Just went out for a breakfast downtown that I don't actually afford (but I'm sure I'll work things out eventually). Back in my small space, that's at least my very own space, I'm listening to some Kina Grannis songs and thinking about things.
I had an appointment at the therapist's today, and I didn't go. I didn't even call in to cancel, I just turned around and went back to sleep. Now my bad conscious is haunting me, although I don't need any lectures that I should and would need to go there; and I can't let go of it. I just called in and left a message on her answering machine to call me back, I hope we can work something out. Every time we talk we work something out and we agree that I should come down on a certain day and a certain time, and then when that day comes I still prefer to turn over and keep sleeping rather than stumbling out of bed and going down there to spill my guts out. Thing is, the more times I don't go there, the harder it feels like it will be once I actually do. I'd really need to talk there I think, since everything around me right now is just so... fucked up, or rather inside my own head... and still I can't fucking manage to get down there. Well, at least I've called her now, and that's a start, I guess.
I'm so tired these days. I'm tired because of everything going on, because of working this much, because of mine and Happy's daily workouts. I fall asleep like someone had hit me in the head with a club and constantly tend to miss my alarm clock. I cherish sleeping like nothing else, as if the lack of sleep I've had for the past months has finally caught up with me and made me totally exhausted. We've been doing the workouts for a rough month and a half by now and the results are starting to show, and I'm starting to feel them as well. I still wish I hadn't been woken up this morning though, because I'd love to feel as rested in mind and body as I did when I woke up yesterday on my own accord.
I'm freaking out slightly about moving. I know that it'll most certainly be better than here, I know that there are many things I'll be better off without. But it's all intimidating too, and there are things I have here that I'm just not ready to lose.
I'll just try to forget about that stuff and focus on what's going to improve.
Now if you forgive me I'll take an endeveour into novel land before getting ready for work. Sigh...
POET in the JAR
hon, you SHOULD go there. and you know it too, I don´t have to say it. I think it would help you. at least it would be a sign of better times...
ReplyDeleteI shoudln´t be complaining about my imagined "problems" with my friends. first, most of it is in my head and in my head only. second, it´s nothing. anyway it´s only 3 months with them and then it´s over.
you are the one who should come over and talk about things. maybe not with me, since we are still... "just" fellow poets mostly. but if you feel like it: I´m here everyday, love.
Awww you're more to me than a fellow poet <3
ReplyDeleteThank you:) Well we all have our issues yknow, you can always talk to me if something's bugging you. No problems are too small for me, after all, half of my issues are in my own head. ^^
And yeah. The therapist called me up and we booked a time on next Friday afternoon. At least I won't oversleep by then. :)
thanx, love <333 (I just didn´t dare to call you a friend yknow.)
ReplyDeleteyou´d better go there, seriosly. don´t even try finding an excuse not to go there. just... go there.
Ååh! you are still doing the crazy workout thing. Congrats! ;) I thought you'd already given up by now, you are stronger than I thought..
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I've an idea you are probably not going to like; Show this blog to your therapist, since you express yourself best writing? And then you won't need to have such bad conscious..