Gains, Losses, Dental Flosses

I don't believe this. You gotta hear me out, allright? Things'ave been pretty rough lately, with me and my Ruby. I'm so confused; all my thoughts and feelings are just swirling about in my head and heart; I thought it'd be good for me to clear it all out, rid me of everything, every nuance of what I feel and what's going on in my mind... cause if I got it out of me, somehow cleared my system, I could become rational, I could become myself, I'd know what to do.
But I don't, I still don't know what to do.
I don't feel as if a rush of fresh air's gone through my mind, I feel as though I'm caught in the wildest blizzard, snow blinding me wherever I look. This isn't right, being torn in these different directions all the time, your gut dragging you one way, your brains another. Or worse, not even a distinction between guts and brains; all of it's your guts, dragging you in different ways at the same time. I don't know myself, I thought I knew what I wanted and needed to do, but I'm so helpless, so weak... maybe it's like alev said to me, that as time goes by you grow and as you grow you will learn what to do. That rushing decisions is not the way to do things. Somewhere, in the back of my mind, I figured there had to be a change, there had to be a change now, but it's not the right kind nor in the right time. I wanted us to move apart, to have the benefits of personal space, but I didn't want us to live this far apart. And I didn't want it to happen like this... I don't want us to grow apart, Ruby... I don't want this to happen... Everywhere I turn my eyes I see you, every step I take I miss you, I feel like I'm doomed, that my life will be forever unhappy if I go through with this, I'll forever be craving you. Fine, maybe in the long run it could be good, maybe in the long run it could be better, even, but what will I have achieved with it? Will it make me happy to trade the enchanted present for a clouded, uncertain future?
I try to be strong but all I can think of are the moments, the moments when everything was beautiful, when everything was allright, when I felt safe.
Tell me, what will I gain losing this? I don't know, I do not know.
And then earlier tonight, I was talking to Ruby on msn cause I was feeling so sad about everything; and guess what happened? I got a call from his sister...! I'm not gonna go into any details other than that it made me feel ten times worse than before and wish I hadn't spoken to him even on msn, then at least I wouldn't 'ave had to take this stupid phone call. And yeah, I know the word 'stupid' is very mediocre and everything, especially coming from a Poet, but that's all I can describe it as, so stupid in all its profound stupidness that it's not even worth me thinking of better ways to write about it. I don't know what I did to deserve it, but see what happens, see what happens when you try to say you're sorry about something, you wanna try to fix things. You get this.
Why get yourself a scarecrow when you can just make perfect use of your sisters and brothers. Geez. I'm going to bed.