Got It Settled

Right, fellas! So this is it! In less than three hours, this year's writing frenzy begins.
Goal is, to write a novel of 50,000 words in 30 days. And I'm not alone. Nanowrimo estimates this year's number of participants to be about 90,000 worldwide. Pretty cool, huh? Well, I figured it was. This I'm doing to heave my writer's block when it comes to prose and longer stories. Hopefully, within a month, I'll have written my first pure-form novel, and if I don't make it, well, then I'm hell of a lot closer to doing so, then I am right now.
I got the opening line buzzing in my head, just waiting for the clock to tick over to midnight so that I can print it out. See, rules are, no pre-writing. So in my head, I got my plot, got my main character, got my beginning and got my ending. I even know exactly how to sound the very last two lines. And beyond that - I even know what's gonna happen in the sequel!
All of a sudden, I feel it's fun to make things up again, to uncover stories, to create. I'm looking forward to this writing event like none other. It's gonna be very, very tricky to manage on time, no doubt, but deadlines 'ave always spurred me. I think it's gonna be great. Somehow, I think this story is better than any I've ever thought about before. It's gonna rock, ha, ha.
Now I'd like to ask you folks to do me a favour. Just in case you had the energy to finish reading this post. If within the month, I should ever consider quitting this thing, or feel that there's no time, or whatever, stop me. I don't wanna bail out the easy way. Not this time.
See you later, folks! And if you don't see too much of me during November, you'll know why.

In My Vocabulary

Thought I'd drop by today, dunno how long it's been since I did an old-fashioned, straight-from-the-heart-kinda-post here, everything that pours outta me lately seems to be songs... As some of you might have noticed already, I've been messing around with the look of this site more than I've actually spent on its content, well, that aint really true I know, but that's what it feels like. Anyway. My head feels so empty, I don't even know what to write. I even dream about grammar exams. Earlier today when I was for once playing AO with my Ruby, I was supposed to say 'I left it in my inventory' but made a Freudian slip and out came, 'I left it in my vocabulary'. Pretty much proves the point of how much time I've spent studying these last couple weeks. It's been crazy. And it's nowhere near over yet. First exam's on Friday, my linguistics retake next week, and then the linguistics exam for the second subcourse, in the week after that. Meanwhile we got to write an argumentative essay, read two fiction books for the literature course, and perform some kind of pedagogical presentation for ELTA (English: Learning, Teaching and Assessment, I know, it's dead dull). Then I have two wonderful weeks of apprenticeship with my fucked-up mentor to look forward to, wohoo!
Ah well, I don't really feel like I care anymore, anyway. Recently I've had some serious thoughts about leaving the teacher trainee programme. It just... doesn't feel right, doesn't feel like it's what I wanna do. And I'm thinking about at least skipping a term or two to study film science. My dream is to get into this education in Gothenburg for a film director, but it's really hard to get in there... Well, thought it couldn't hurt to study some film courses, at least. And if I don't end up doing this film thing, I'm gonna take two more terms of English, cause that'll earn me a doctorate... that'd be awesome!
Well, I haven't dared bring this up with Mum and Dad yet, so we'll see how it goes. For now, all I know is that next term is free of apprenticeship, and I'm so gonna enjoy it!
See you soon, folks!

Other Side Of Tomorrow

Hush, hush
Don't sleep
Gotta keep our eyes
And ears open (x2)
Open, open

I wanna see the other side of
Tomorrow
I have all these dreams I never got the
Chance to live out
I wanna go further than I ever been before
Oh I never got the chance to work them places out

Hush, hush
Don't sleep
Gotta keep our eyes
And ears open (x2)
Open, open

Would you put me in your pocket
Just for tomorrow?
Then I swear we'll have the time to get our feelings
Figured out
Would you take me further than I ever been before?
We'd survive and surviving's all it's ever been about

Hush, hush
Don't sleep
Gotta keep our eyes
And ears open (x2)
Open, open
____________________________

Wrote this song the other night when I couldn't sleep, thinking all sorts of irrational thoughts and picturing the most surreal things in my mind. Sometimes it just feels as if it would be easier if we never slept. We'd never miss out on anything, we'd never have to worry about being caught off-guard. We'd never have to have nightmares, or have those wonderous moments when we've fallen asleep during the day and wake up, not knowing the time or the day. It'd all be so easy. This song is about keeping quiet, never sleeping... all simply in order to survive the day. Or, pardon me, survive the night...

Only Fair

If it's okay for you to dream,
and you've learnt your way in life
Why couldn't I?
Why shouldn't I?

If you know what freedom means,
and you live with it in mind
Why couldn't I?
Why shouldn't I?

It's only fair that I get my share
And align with my ideals
And if I never make it there,
I'm sure it's still better than here

If you can guide yourself to truth,
so lies won't come around at you
Why couldn't I?
Why shouldn't I?

If you can choose,
then why can't I?

It's only fair that I get my share
And align with my ideals
And if I never make it there,
I'm sure it's still better than here

Should I ever make it there
I might finally know who I am
And if I ever get even half my share
I'll split it with you if I can

It's only fair that I get my share
And align with my ideals
And should I never make it there
I'm sure it's still better than here
_______________________

I wrote this just now, result of the usual, mad creativity rush that always strikes me at midnight...

Better Taste

Don't reach out
Don't take my hand
Don't reach out
Cause you won't get it back

It takes one to know one
And I know you as a fool
Still in secret I may dream of you

Know better than accept my care
I love you to deceive
The hate in my love tastes better than
Any other love you'll see

Don't reach out
Don't take my hand
Don't reach out
Cause you won't get it back

A penny for my thoughts and dreams
Don't it have a better use?
Still in secret I'll be free, with you

Know better than accept my care
I love you to deceive
The hate in my love has a better taste
Than any love you'll see
Than anything you believe

Don't reach out
Don't take my hand
Don't reach out
Cause you won't get it back
______________________________

I wrote this on the train home earlier tonight, inspired by a movie I'd just been to. It's very rare for me to write a ballad, so this is an unusual means of expression to me. The message of these lyrics is what lifts 'em though, rather than the form it may take.
I'm too exhausted out of all my studying to write any more than this, but I thought you might enjoy it. I'll keep posting often as I can now that we enter examination weeks. Catch you later, fellas.

Wiping Your Willow

The sound of your Voice
is my Lullaby
The Warmth of your Skin
my Pillow
Holding your Hand is how
I Sleep at night
Wiping the Tears
from your Willow

It's almost ungraspable knowing how much we have to do this week in school. My sleep has been all crazy too, so by the time I get home, I go straight to bed, or as in the case of today, straight to the couch. And I sleep. Wake up out of hunger after a couple of hours. Fix something to eat... or eat something that my Ruby's fixed to eat... and then go study. I've been studying since around eight o'clock tonight and I still have ten pages left to read that I just seem to be able to stare at, without comprehending what it says. Hopefully I'll be able to catch some of the rest on the bus down tomorrow or maybe by lunchtime. I'm feeling really creative and I started this drawing today that I really want to finish... aint that some irony? The times you got the most stuff to do, is when you feel the strongest urge to do other things. Well, that's what I find.
See you around, people.

Mary Christmas

Right, figured it out, this C level thing. I think... I signed up for two courses, hope I did it right. Otherwise it'll be hell breaking loose when Christmas holidays are over.
About Christmas! Me sis's coming down round December 19th, plan is, we both abandon our respective fellas and spend Christmas at Grandma and Grandpa's place. It'll be great. We used to go there every other year when we were kids and usually, all the relatives on me Mum's side'd be there and all. I like it when a lot of people gather round to celebrate together.
Been at work all day, just got home. I'm exhausted, but okay. Somehow I'm pretty happy about things. I'll just stay tuned while the guys keep watching the football game, after that I'm gonna go social and watch a movie with the folks.
Stay busy!
Says, Well You Know Bloody Who By Now I Hope.

Soon In Level With The C Level

I'm sitting here in front of the screen, trying to figure out whether I should register for the C-level literary essay or the C-level linguistic essay or, possibly, if I'm going to have to sign up for them both. Hope not, hope I can choose... but I aint sure. Better try and get hold of someone in the class who knows so I can register in time, sometime before Monday.
That's about all, I'm gonna go finish the last chapter of Gulliver's Travels so I can happily join in on the seminar next Tuesday.
Cheers, mate!

Happily Daydreaming

I'm drop dead tired, my eyes are drooping and I'm practically falling asleep over my keyboard... but... listen to this! I've finally finished the third temple in Zelda: Twilight Princess! Oh well... actually it was mostly Nikki, haha, but I did manage to kill the boss all by myself. Aah, I could die a happy woman right now, haha. No really. I got class tomorrow and I really ought to bed myself. Ha, ha... Good nightie.
Says, Poet In The Jar, Currently Happily Daydreaming.

The Lord Is My Shepherd

I fade into darkness
So full and complete
I leave you alone with your grief
Embraced by tomorrow
Embraced by defeat
I leave you alone
And so hollow
No matter our past
or where I will sleep
You will still stand alone with your sorrow
No matter the promise
You swore you would keep
I have gone to where no one can follow
Cause the time I was given
I just got to borrow
I've gone to the rest of the sheep
The Lord is my shepherd,
But your secret's safe with me.

Don't You Know?

Don't you see?
I thought maybe you knew
I have duties to'rds my
Loved ones too
You need someone strong
To cover your back
It's just that strength
I apparently lack
We're impossible in many ways
I just don't feel like that... nowadays
It breaks me to tear you apart
And make you go
But it's all I can give you
Don't you know?
______________________

Found this in an old poetry book the other day, fixed it up a bit. I know it's pretty old, but what the heck, enjoy it anyways.
Me and Bad Seed are working on something, I'll come back about the details later on. It's gonna be cool, I think.
Fear not! We shall meet again,
says the little Poet in the Jar.

Competence

I thought that I was on to something,
That I was going the right track,
but now you've robbed me of my self-esteem,
and I've been trying to get it back,
You wanted me to struggle, you wanted it rough,
You made me think I wanna take my life,
But I guess I'm not competent enough!
_____________________________

Wrote this in my head during class yesterday, the tutor I got seems to believe I'm completely incompetent of anything that goes beyond handing out stencils. Also, today was the eleventh time he called me by the wrong name, even though I've been his apprentice for nearly one month altogether. If anything's to be done around there I have to do it myself, he doesn't tutor me at all but use me to go fetch things, and the worst part is I can't stand up to him cause he's the one who'll be determining my grade later on. I'm starting to make things happen best as I can. Monday morning I'm responsible for going through a new grammar chapter and I'm gonna do it incredibly well, just as to show him how it could be done by a teacher who's not as fucking narrow-minded as he is, pardon the curse. I found out last Monday that there's another apprentice coming next week, and I thought, yeay, here's someone who'll support me, we can watch eachother's lessons and learn stuff from one another, cause we're students, right? We aint supposed to walse in on some school and perform the most perfect lesson, partly because there aint no such thing as a perfect lesson, but mainly because we're there to learn, not to show off. We're there to try and learn the profession in reality, instead of reading about it in some book at the university. And what do I get? She drops by to pick up a schedule for next week, turns to me and says, "Oh, and by the way, you do realize I'm going to make you leave the room whenever I got my lessons, right?" She doesn't even know me! I didn't believe what I was hearing, but the tutor looked at me and went, "Yeah, I think that's a good idea too." Hard to believe I don't feel very welcome at that place, isn't it? Besides, if she makes me leave the bloody room so she can bloody perform her "magic" lessons, those are hours I can't count in as such I've been helping out with, meaning I might not get full attendance despite the fact that I been present all the time.
I don't understand why they are so against me. I know I am a highly competent teacher trainee. I taught English to kids this summer that arrived with a hatred of the subject and left after two weeks with a "Pass" and will to try. At my last VFU school I got to lead loads of lessons. And now I'm stuck with a guy who recommends the newbie teacher by the next desk to "just stick with the book and you'll do".
I'm surprised they didn't tell us about this at the university. Sucks.

Patching Up Sleep

Lay here with me
Pray here with me
You may stay
Here with me
Just don't lie
Don't do lies
Around me

You may never have been very far from me
But there are times I can't find you
And thus I find you to be
Just be my stitches should I ever bleed
And watch my sleep if there's ever a need

Lay here with me
Pray here with me
You may stay
Here with me
Just don't lie
Don't do lies
Around me

Darling, there's been rough times I know
But I think we could make it
If we had a go
I'll be your stitches should you ever bleed
And be in your dreams if there's ever a need

We'll never need those lies

Lay here with me
Pray here with me
You may stay
Here with me
Just don't lie
Don't do lies
Don't do lies
Next to me

Tap Water And Savings

Just one more post, and I'll go to bed.
Know what I did today? Made up plans for me budget. And it don't look good. Is it s'posed to be like this, you got so many bills that when you've paid for 'em all you got 200 SEK, dunno what that is in dollars but like, 20 bucks or something, left. And you're s'posed to live on that for the rest of the month? Food alone usually lands at like 1000 SEK, guess I'll just have to skip eating, or well, I could live pretty long on the food I've got stuffed in the freezer, and to that I could always have tap water. Milk, who needs milk? Oh, for the cereal... no worries, we'll just have bread for breakfast long as that lasts, and then... then we'll have tap water. Again... Ok, sure, so what if I got 200 SEK left after the bills been paid, I thought, if I take a solid one thousand off my savings account, I'll manage this month, and put it back next month... but then I realized, I'd forgotten to bring my bus card into calculations, and that's another 900 SEK that I aint got. Savings account, again. I could ask me folks to sponsor me if it weren't for the fact that they already gonna sponsor me insane bill for the electricity - 1,800 SEK. What am I gonna do? That money I'd saved were s'posed to go to buy stuff for my new apartment, now I gotta use it to survive the month out. Hate it!
Worst part is, all these bills, are only the most necessary stuff - the rent, electricity, phone bill, Internet, course books... TV license, even.
Does it still come as a surprise to you, Ruby, that I don't wanna hear you got 16,000 SEK salary for last month's work?
Hate pondering over money.
Yours,
Poet in the Economically Insubstantial but too Proud to Accept Help Kind Of Jar.