Should I be joyous about this? Really? Is this where we were all headed?
I'm looking around in my new place, another apartment to go to waste. Another room to feel at home in, while my mind strays elsewhere. Always dreaming of another place, another job, another shadow to chase. Isn't that always it? Never settled... never happy. I know this place won't be my home in a year from now. And it's almost as if I'm backing out of there again. I don't want another breakup from another place where I've rooted. I don't want to move again. Yet I'll never be happy where I am. Never be fully at ease.
And if I ever am... something will tear it up again.
Something will always... tear me up.
Strange, really.
I yearn for every new place I can get to see. I love the moving in and unpacking and "nesting". And equally much I hate the breaking up the roots, the stuffing everything into boxes again, stowing it away. I hate the going away. The last goodbyes. Knowing that everything will turn into dust and memories, and everything that happened to you here, everything that you were, will fade away.
Disappear.
I'm starting to sound like Woven, aint I...?
POET in the JAR
PS. Got the keys today, dropped a few things by. Tomorrow and Wednesday starts the real moving in business. Perhaps I'll throw some welcome thing when the weekend comes.
Anyway... looking forward to the first night there.
In every darkness there's gotta be some spit of light.
I have to be joyous.
Because if I stop to think, I'll be too scared to go on. And then I'll definitely be stuck here forever...
oh Bex :( We all have our down times, we all feel trapped and hopeless sometimes. But just think of how far you've come, how much you've accomplished! Try to concentrate on the good, not the bad. Maybe your just the kind of person that feels as if something is missing, and will never be happy until you find that something?
ReplyDelete(taking over from above)... And for most of us, that something is illusive. Maybe at times there aren't any missing pieces. They're just a way of our grappling with the truth, our survival technique, telling ourselves it will get better someday, and dwelling in that thought only to see it not happening.
ReplyDeleteNew beginnings call for new endings. Thats how it always works... And you gotta find all the possible plus-points of where you're headed at now. It might just help in remaining sane.
*passes a bar of candy* helps de-stress :P
you will be happy, you´ll see :)
ReplyDeleteThanks guys, you're the best. Everything has its time, I'm sure. We'll just see. Either way it can't get worse than living at home, so. :D
ReplyDelete