Deities

I wonder if there's really such a thing as Karma. Seems at the moment as if life is extremely unfair. I wonder if we weren't done already, paying for our sins? What else is there that we need to suffer for? Building false hopes and then snatching them away is more than bad karma, it's cruel.
Maybe Karma is something we make up in the lack of believing in God. For me who is an agnostic, Karma becomes a close second when we're talking about possible deities. As God, Karma can be brutal, rewarding some for their wrongs, punishing others for doing everything right. As God, Karma is unpredictable, and we can never tell before-hand what Karma had in mind when handing us another card in life.
Difference is, I guess, that there is no Karma bible.
I wonder if I should just resign myself to the idea that nothing happens for a reason. That all of us are simply in this world by pure chance. That there is no meaning in anything. Humans meet humans, and inevitably you have trouble; because there were never such a thing as human perfection. Not even close. And with the greatest experience you can have in your life - love - comes the greatest pain, always walking side by side, with no exception.
I'm so tired. I'm tired from knowing there's no use in trying. I'm tired from things being so different. From not being able to fall asleep because the one person I ever loved isn't here to wag me to sleep anymore. I'm tired from knowing that person leads a better life without me. As if I was a burden. I'm tired from nothing working out. I'm tired from crying in the bathroom out of no apparent reason. Tired from seeing myself in the mirror and knowing why no one would love me. Tired from working where I don't belong. Tired from knowing there's a whole year before I'll be able to get out of this fucking town. Tired from cooking for myself in the kitchen and not having someone tell me how it tastes. Tired from taking pills just to make the simplest things work, and yet they don't. Tired from the darkness. From knowing there will be months and months of darkness ahead before spring is here again. Tired from not having anything to look forward to. Tired from pretending I'm angry and bitter. Tired from talking. Tired from seeing people. Tired from being alone. Tired from seeking my refuge in pain and writing.
I want to smash things! I want to drop things off my balcony and see them slash against the asphalt beneath. I want to throw everything that's old and not working out the goddamn window. I want the windows to break, I want the walls to tear down, I want all my things to be goddamn broken, maybe then they'd show what I really feel.
That I'm a broken soul. We're all broken souls. There is no comfort. There is no grand solution. And I have no idea why we keep trying to cope when the option of giving up is so fucking tempting.
POET in the ANGRY and SAD JAR