Irreplaceable

For Ayan's sake I'm gonna keep y'all updated what's going on with my life so that you're not wondering. Yep. I'm two days behind in Nanowrimo but I do not despair. I'll write like hell after babysitting tomorrow and on Sunday and hopefully pull it off, by the looks of it the very last second, but it doesn't really matter. I'm gonna keep writing even in December as well.

Kay, other than that, yesterday was a wonderful, wicked concert with Takida that totally rocked and was the most fun night in a while, all my problems disappeared for a couple hours and didn't hit me again until in the car on the way home. It's strange though how calming it is to sleep next to Jessie and to just talk about our lives and remember stuff. I don't know what I'd do without you, hon.

I thought I had a therapy appointment yesterday, but apparently that was next Friday, and to be honest I'm almost looking forward to it. I have something pretty disturbing to discuss with her, at least it feels that way for me, and it has to do with my sis and shit. I discovered that some things that would normally upset me just passes me by and I feel nothing at all; while other things gives me bursts of emotion that I just can't stop.

Like anger.

I feel angry, all the time. When I picture Rockstar in my mind, first it gives me a twinge around my heart, and then I feel the anger bubbling through me. If I saw him right now by accident and without being ready I can't promise I wouldn't walk straight up to him and hit him. I am so angry at him that I don't know what to do or where to go. And the worst thing is that I hate myself for it, because in the end I just fucking miss him, and it makes me feel fucking vulnerable.

When I started writing on this blog on what will soon be three years time backwards in the past, I set out with one promise, I would keep this blog honest. And I stick to that vow today, and I will share with you something that has weighed on me but that doesn't seem to trouble anyone else.

Someone I used to be very good friends with said to me a few days ago that everyone can be replaced. I was saying that I wasn't looking for someone to replace Rockstar with, because no one can do that, ever. Maybe one day there'll be someone new to fill a new and exciting role, but to take his place? Just thinking the thought is insulting. I said this to said friend. I don't think said friend understood. What bothers me is the following - if everyone can be replaced, then no one is special. No one means anything to anyone to begin with. And it's just a fucked up and meaningless mess just as the voices in my head have been telling me since I was born.

That's another thing I should discuss with the therapist. The voices.

Anyway. I have fought this view of the world and of everyone in it since ages in order to believe things can still be okay. That someone can still matter. That people can still love, that there can be epic, magic things around us. I've fought to stay naive. I'm not naive anymore. I've become very cautious and cynic. But it's a world view I don't want to forget. I don't want to believe that a relationship you share with someone can just end and that's it, and no big deal, and you just pick yourself up and move on after.

I can't do it.

It hurts too much. It hurts me, every day. If he is just someone that I can replace - why haven't I already? Why is it still empty? And why won't he fucking leave me alone?

You accept the fact that the world is meaningless, if you want, that no one is irreplaceable. I'll see you in ten years time and see if you changed your mind. Meanwhile you let me deal with my own pain and my own memories in my way.

As though they were special.
As though it meant something.
I have to believe it.
POET IN THE JAR