I hold my head high,
after that phrase of yours.
Dance along with silly tunes,
like a silly animal in a silly cartoon.
I hold my head up high and try to fly,
but you rip my guts out,
time after time.
I walk up straight today,
don't normally walk that way.
Find laughter in the smallest flower,
time passes quickly, hour after hour.
I walk up straight and sing and mime,
but you rip my guts out,
time after time.
I cling on to that straw,
use it for breath, and listen in awe.
Chase the loneliness demons off,
with bunches of garlic and a silly cross.
I cling on to that straw inside my mind,
but you rip my guts out,
time after time.
Leave me here, with your whispers, in the sand.
The dust of your dying promise, in my hand.
The echo of that phrase of yours, as music in my ears.
Close my eyes to the storm, and you're almost here.
To you I've already died,
but all awhile, I kept you alive.
I was too late to live off the things you could buy.
I know you have to heal by leaving me behind.
So I let you rip my guts out,
time after time...
I love this poem Becca, its like knowing that something will ruin your mood just before it happens and finally falling down before it in dark acceptance. Thats what I got and I loved it cuz I can relate, maybe not in the same way you meant it but I can still relate to the words and thats what makes the poem so strong.
ReplyDeleteThat's basically it, yes. Although it's not exactly knowing things'll be ruined - it's sort of having a hunch that they will, but ignoring it. You let some phrase or happening lift you up and give you air under your wings, and you let it because you can't bear the thought that it will fade. So you make good use of it down to every second until it comes crashing down on you... and that's when you realize that having enjoyed the ride to the fullest that far only makes the crashing down even worse.
ReplyDeleteYou fool yourself to the point that you start believing your own lies which makes it all so much worse when it strikes at you...
I couldn't have described the feeling half as well as you did *applause*
ReplyDelete*Bows* ^^
ReplyDeleteomg this is not one but the best youve ever wrote i truely love it, it really moved me specially the firt 2 verses, omg beki write more for my sake. i'm not gonnad point out any lines because all the lines are more than top class, but i dont think the line " you rip my guts out" goes with the poem, i dont like the guts, i KNOW you can do better even though i dont think better exists, omg i have to read this one several more times......
ReplyDeleteomg
Seeing you loved it anyway, I'll leave the "guts" part in it, amin ;D
ReplyDeleteIt's there just because it doesn't fit in, it's supposed to state a contrast against the other lines. If I remove it it'll make the poem something completely else.
Thank you though for your constructive critique! Glad you enjoyed it! <3
oh no i didnt say change it, i will never ask you to change your poems, i just gave you advice (from someone less talented ;) ) just from a reader, for futuer poems, like you can say you tour me apart rather then rip my guts out, ripping guts is kinda a bit wild not poetry stile, but then you have your own stile :)
ReplyDeleteThat's exactly what I love about this poem, that the "rip my guts out" part is so unexpected and so brutal compared to the rest, which are all more poetic.
ReplyDeleteIf I was to write poetry the way people expected it to be, I would be no better than the commercial writers only typing their words for fame and wealth.
I write what is close to my heart and in the way I prefer to put it :D
Thank you still, I much love any discussion my stuff brings out! <3
besides, the sentence "tear me apart" has been way too overused in poetry ^^
ReplyDelete