Clarity Disabled

I've put myself in a hopeless situation

Willingly marched towards my own destruction

Knowingly fallen deep into addiction

Licking every last crumb off my fingers

Clutching my head, clutching my hands

Clutching my head

I can't stop perceiving these visions

Can't protect my mind from the intrusion

I'm only addicted, addicted to the infusion

Alarmed whenever my head clears

Whenever it's unclouded

Clarity is enabled

You didn't always fear clarity, did you

You weren't always consent with ignorance

Wasn't there a time you fought for innocence

When did you exchange it for vengeance

When did you exchange it for

Indulgence

I don't even think I'm equipped for defense

Even with the right tools I'll be unmotivated

There's no reason for me anymore to resist

Why not simply give in to permanent decadence

Whenever your head's unclouded

Clarity is enabled

You didn't always fear clarity, did you

You weren't always consent with ignorance

Wasn't there a time you fought for innocence

When did you exchange it for vengeance

When did you exchange it for

Indulgence

You told me I had betrayed my past self and inner child

That while my mind grew dull, my heart grew wild

Am I now supposed to adjust these regulations

Force myself back into ancient patterns

So I could fit with your intentions

Without any compensation

Is that part of your current implication

I'm divided within my own moral framework

Undecided between the young and the old

Undecided between what was only thought

And what was really told

All I can guarantee is that the two halves

Together, seem to make a whole

Complementing eachother

Compensating one another

Until I'm clutching my head

Clarity disabled

Lovely Bones

I don't know how to describe my current state of mind if not dull, blunt, encapsuled in a bubble where I feel enclosed from the world, isolated, alone. It's like I've forgotten everything I used to care for, forgotten what used to be delicate, what used to be valuable, how the smallest things could triumph over the daily and trivial. I can probably blame this mood on stress, big deadline coming up this week and everything; but it does trouble me. Not bother me, I'm too closed off from everything to feel like it's bothering me... but the thought of it is slightly discouraging. It's hard to describe, but for someone whose belief is that emotion is key, feeling robbed of your emotions is like giving away one of your arms... I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels like this. It's strange though. I used to believe that what you did in the daytime didn't matter as long as the rest was deep, was meaningful, being with your friends, listening to that music, going to this and that place, travelling... and now it seems my whole life revolves around school, I don't even have time to do laundry or clean my apartment, everything is so frantic and I feel like I've been walking around like a useless zombie ever since I came back from England. Something happened to my level of ambition while away; I can't seem to get back into the right focus and I hate myself a little for that; I'm sure I could have been more efficient than I have been since I got back here... But I think it'll work out... and hopefully, eventually, I'll feel that I can feel again, so that I'm not this deadened poet walking the streets and randomly sleeping at off hours as I was some fucking cat. I even feel bad because my Mom called me earlier and I had absolutely no idea what she was talking about because I was still so tired, and she said she just called me to say she and Dad loves me and I felt horrible for not paying them the proper attention back. But I'm just so monotonous and my post-three-hours-on-sofa mood was pretty intense and like Glenda said, confusi-fying.


To just please change the topic, I'm currently reading Alice Sebold's "The Lovely Bones" and it's so, so saddening. You'd think this clashes with my previously described lack of emotion but in my world it definitely and easily coincides. It's saddening in itself that a piece of fiction can be more touching and real to me than everything I see and feel around me. I guess I'm a little tired of reality, simply...


That's really all I have to say now... see you in some other, less exhausted stage.
POET IN THE JAR