Blanket Of Denial

Every time you resurfaced I shunned you away

And pretended you weren't there, you didn't exist

I've been too scared to even look you in the eyes

To acknowledge our brewing connection

I covered you up in thousands of lies

Wrapped you in a convenient blanket of denial

Every time you reached for me I turned away

I didn't have the strength to deal with this condition

I don't have the lengthened arms to fully embrace it

There's my old bravery that I've been trying to hide

Like I've forgotten how to control my darkest moments

How to face them directly and steer them towards the light

Instead I've been isolating myself from you

I've run at every given occasion

Like you were a contamination

In my system of classification

Don't remind me again that you're dormant in my mind

Always sleeping in the outskirts of my conscious thoughts

Don't show yourself again, now you've been successfully fought

Your return will only get you burned and caught

You don't know who I am anymore

I've become dangerous

You don't know me but I've learned every aspect of you

I know every clouded corner of you, every scar

I know how to patch you up and how to resist you

You've made that absolute, you've set it in stone

You've written it in the largest readable letters

Your greatest fear that I might miss it

That I might, for a moment,

forget that you're still alive

And I can tell there's something behind your idolized ideas

As it's seemingly impossible to treat you with denial

Every time you resurfaced I shunned you away

and pretended you weren't there

You reminded me again

And wrote those large letters

And every letter hurt

I was hurt by every word

Still, I can't seem to remember how to face you

How to look you directly in the eyes

I can't remember how to deal with you

Or how to reconquer my control of you

Still, the only thing I seem to be capable of is decadence

The only thing I can achieve under your influence

And I'll run at every given occasion

I'll run, run away

from depression

Deep Inside Insomnia

We bought some time now, didn't we

before the world as we know it will end

Just extending this temporary haven

for a few more precious moments

this temporary solution

Did I willingly drink this delicious poison

And buy into this familiar phenomenon

I convinced myself I would cherish it, relish it

That this time the taste wouldn't be bitter, but sweet

It wouldn't eventually lead to my defeat

I knew what I was buying into, didn't I, didn't you

I knew there was a chance the world might come tumbling down

Shattering everything, every hard-earned feeling

Paid for in blood, in tears, in agony, in memory

It was part of the mechanical calculations

Carried out inside my tired mind

Deep inside insomnia

We don't live forever, do we

There isn't really time for calculations, is there

Better to follow your intuition, deeply buried

Buried beneath pride and social constructions

Rather than any actual restrictions

We don't live forever, do we

But we bought some time

Didn't we

The Nest Of Fear

Well if I haven't fallen back into the same dark dream again

Fallen back into the same dark abyss, sprawled on my back

Pain spreading through my core and attack through my fingers

Slowly mingled with an insight of mortality that lingers

And only gradually is worn out

So that every time I've fought it down

It's strong enough to heal itself,

strong enough to return

Knocking me off my feet

This eternal circle,

isn't it familiar, doesn't it burn

Oh if I'm not dreaming again

This tight knot of worry that I'm quite failing to repress

That entangled little knot of unspeakable threat

With the ability to endanger our entire situation

With the ability to render it extinct

Is that what you think, that I've lost all instinct

That I've lost all comprehension of what links

us all together in a series of metal rings

In a neverending chain,

isn't it familiar, isn't it pain

Oh, if I'm not dreaming again

Could I pinpoint the source of this inexplicable outburst

Could I circle with my fingertips my anger at my own thirst

Could I extinguish just that little flame that you awoke

Only that I thought I was dead inside,

thought I had taught myself the blunt, the dull

How to become a wall

Oh, haven't you learned how to tear those down with fire

Haven't you learned how to tear those down with catapults

Haven't you learned, haven't you learned

That nest of fear that's lived in my chest for years

That dark little monster that fed from abandonment

It's that shipwreck of mine that's now resurfaced

Complete with sails that were never tried at sea

Complete with the salt water pouring right through me

Like waterfalls, like vertical ponds of sorrow

This nest of weakness,

oh, isn't it familiar

Isn't it

Haven't I gone and fallen back into

the same dark dream again