There's something wrong with me, I feel so angry. I don't wanna see all the shit that's happening around the world, all the shit that's happening to my friends and to everyone. I just wanna raise my hand and give a little wink and see how, voila! It's all solved, everything's suddenly fixed. I'm so sick and tired of this hopelessness, I'm stuck behind this glass and got to see it all, and I can't do nothing. Nothing! I just wish I could either gather all my anger and crush whatever is feeding from our hope and faith, destroy it, or else just lay down and fade away, slip away, so I won't have to bother anymore.
I'm sick of caring and wish I could just straighten up and face whatever's coming at me without feeling a thing.
Someone, make me stop caring, cause it's killing me.
Sunday, September 30
Friday, September 28
Stools
Don't know what to write, my head is all messy, only good thing at the moment is that I've got this amazing idea for a short story in my head. Spinning, spinning... but I should wait a second with putting it down, can't concentrate when I look around me and it's a mess like this. Better fix it up first. I'll put on some Poets' songs and time'll fly.Helped my sis with her new site yesterday, for those of you who know Swedish and are interested in having a look, I'll put the link up once it's been properly gone through and a bit extended, we gotta work on the administrative details, for one.
Last but definitely not least, least not for my budget, look what I ordered yesterday! Four of these extraordinary cool bar stools. I'm gonna have 'em in my new flat by December. Meanwhile, it's a good 1400 SEK right off my furniture account... but what the heck. I wanna decorate with stuff I like that is really mine and none other than my own. Ahh... everything'll be great once I move.
Dreamt about skiing tonight, now I'm really longing to go to the mountains, strap the skiis on and just head down the slopes. I miss that so bad, we went there once a year when I was a kid, family tradition, and now I don't know how long it's been since, but it was definitely a while.
I miss being small so much. It was so troubleless and all you did was play and have fun. I miss not having to be the responsible grown-up type of person. Sigh... better go do the dishes soon...
Tuesday, September 25
Bittersweet
You were never scared to fly,
But then you drew near the sun
It froze my heart while you were stunned
I wish I'd 'ave seized your careless wings
Then maybe you'd 'ave stayed
My lips still taste so bittersweet,
since you eclipsed away.
____________________________
I'm just gonna leave it like this for now, as a poem, although it was originally meant to make up some nice lyrics. I'll edit when the verses are done, meanwhile, enjoy it in its poetic form...
But then you drew near the sun
It froze my heart while you were stunned
I wish I'd 'ave seized your careless wings
Then maybe you'd 'ave stayed
My lips still taste so bittersweet,
since you eclipsed away.
____________________________
I'm just gonna leave it like this for now, as a poem, although it was originally meant to make up some nice lyrics. I'll edit when the verses are done, meanwhile, enjoy it in its poetic form...
Go Mental
Damn me, this is just so typical me. Guess who's managed to catch the flu, or whatever sort of infection this is, with just half a week left to VFU? Great, just ... great. My whole body's aching and my head feels as if it weighed a hundred pounds. Throbbed so heavily during the night I was sure I was gonna throw up, but I made a narrow escape outta that one, staggered out to the medicine locker and went scavenging for the last one of my aspirin so I could go back to sleep. I think I got fever, not easy to be sure, but I'm just so warm, feels like I'm boiling. Didn't 'ave the energy to stand up in the shower so I had to take a bath instead. Just moving meself from the couch to the bathroom makes my heart go all wild and crazy, and all of a sudden I'm exhausted, having done absolutely nothing. Gotta get meself to school in the morning, we've got this group assignment to do, if I don't show up they're gonna go mental on me, and I've already missed out on so much, can't afford to be at home. Damnit, why does this always seem to happen to me?
I'm gonna zip this hot chocolate right up from the bottom of the cup, and then see if I can deal with the rest of Hedge. Long as it's on the level of simply reading, I'll manage me studies. But then there's this essay type thingy I gotta hand in by Thursday... I'll just have to deal with that tomorrow... or something... I dunno, I'm just confused, confused about, well most things right now, can hardly think. Gonna go down do me laundry at seven PM. That's me main goal for the day. Cheers... Happy Hot Chocolate.
I'm gonna zip this hot chocolate right up from the bottom of the cup, and then see if I can deal with the rest of Hedge. Long as it's on the level of simply reading, I'll manage me studies. But then there's this essay type thingy I gotta hand in by Thursday... I'll just have to deal with that tomorrow... or something... I dunno, I'm just confused, confused about, well most things right now, can hardly think. Gonna go down do me laundry at seven PM. That's me main goal for the day. Cheers... Happy Hot Chocolate.
Monday, September 24
Signed, Sealed, Delivered
Home, and dead tired. Made a total mess of the exam, I've studied loads, but suddenly, I go all blank, can't remember a thing. But I knew I wouldn't pass on me first try, it's too damn difficult and yeah, I knew, so I'm not too disappointed. I had a pretty good day after all this Monday.
Signed the contract for the flat when I got to town, and then I had to swing by the school where I took driver's lessons, and show off my one-week-old license, haha! At the landlord's, I asked if I could have the flat earlier after all - can you believe it, Mum and Dad offered to pay the rent of that month if I did - and was told to make a deal with this bloke that lives here. As I wrote after the go-see, he seemed very nice, and I know he wanted to get rid of the apartment soon as possible, so I don't think it's gonna be a problem. I'm still waiting for him to call me up, we'll see how things turn out, I'll keep you guys posted.
Anyway. I had this song ringing in my ears the other day, but now it's completely flown out of my head, I'm exhausted. I'm gonna grab a blanket and fall asleep on the couch. I'd say I deserve to do that...
PS, don't forget, check out Artist In The Jar, put another pic up today that I'd like you folks to comment on. DS.
Signed the contract for the flat when I got to town, and then I had to swing by the school where I took driver's lessons, and show off my one-week-old license, haha! At the landlord's, I asked if I could have the flat earlier after all - can you believe it, Mum and Dad offered to pay the rent of that month if I did - and was told to make a deal with this bloke that lives here. As I wrote after the go-see, he seemed very nice, and I know he wanted to get rid of the apartment soon as possible, so I don't think it's gonna be a problem. I'm still waiting for him to call me up, we'll see how things turn out, I'll keep you guys posted.
Anyway. I had this song ringing in my ears the other day, but now it's completely flown out of my head, I'm exhausted. I'm gonna grab a blanket and fall asleep on the couch. I'd say I deserve to do that...
PS, don't forget, check out Artist In The Jar, put another pic up today that I'd like you folks to comment on. DS.
Friday, September 21
Expiry
I lifted the contract of this flat today, it's gonna expire December 31st, and by January 1st, I'll be in my new apartment. Geez, I can't wait, really can't! Already decided what furniture I'm gonna have, like. Haha!
Gotta go study for the linguistics exam now... but I'll be checking in tomorrow, I got a poem in my head that's just begging to come out. See ya!
PS: Guess when I got up today... a quarter to three PM. It's embarrassing. I think I'm starting to get sick or something. DS.
Gotta go study for the linguistics exam now... but I'll be checking in tomorrow, I got a poem in my head that's just begging to come out. See ya!
PS: Guess when I got up today... a quarter to three PM. It's embarrassing. I think I'm starting to get sick or something. DS.
Wednesday, September 19
Gains, Losses, Dental Flosses
I don't believe this. You gotta hear me out, allright? Things'ave been pretty rough lately, with me and my Ruby. I'm so confused; all my thoughts and feelings are just swirling about in my head and heart; I thought it'd be good for me to clear it all out, rid me of everything, every nuance of what I feel and what's going on in my mind... cause if I got it out of me, somehow cleared my system, I could become rational, I could become myself, I'd know what to do.
But I don't, I still don't know what to do.
I don't feel as if a rush of fresh air's gone through my mind, I feel as though I'm caught in the wildest blizzard, snow blinding me wherever I look. This isn't right, being torn in these different directions all the time, your gut dragging you one way, your brains another. Or worse, not even a distinction between guts and brains; all of it's your guts, dragging you in different ways at the same time. I don't know myself, I thought I knew what I wanted and needed to do, but I'm so helpless, so weak... maybe it's like alev said to me, that as time goes by you grow and as you grow you will learn what to do. That rushing decisions is not the way to do things. Somewhere, in the back of my mind, I figured there had to be a change, there had to be a change now, but it's not the right kind nor in the right time. I wanted us to move apart, to have the benefits of personal space, but I didn't want us to live this far apart. And I didn't want it to happen like this... I don't want us to grow apart, Ruby... I don't want this to happen... Everywhere I turn my eyes I see you, every step I take I miss you, I feel like I'm doomed, that my life will be forever unhappy if I go through with this, I'll forever be craving you. Fine, maybe in the long run it could be good, maybe in the long run it could be better, even, but what will I have achieved with it? Will it make me happy to trade the enchanted present for a clouded, uncertain future?
I try to be strong but all I can think of are the moments, the moments when everything was beautiful, when everything was allright, when I felt safe.
Tell me, what will I gain losing this? I don't know, I do not know.
And then earlier tonight, I was talking to Ruby on msn cause I was feeling so sad about everything; and guess what happened? I got a call from his sister...! I'm not gonna go into any details other than that it made me feel ten times worse than before and wish I hadn't spoken to him even on msn, then at least I wouldn't 'ave had to take this stupid phone call. And yeah, I know the word 'stupid' is very mediocre and everything, especially coming from a Poet, but that's all I can describe it as, so stupid in all its profound stupidness that it's not even worth me thinking of better ways to write about it. I don't know what I did to deserve it, but see what happens, see what happens when you try to say you're sorry about something, you wanna try to fix things. You get this.
Why get yourself a scarecrow when you can just make perfect use of your sisters and brothers. Geez. I'm going to bed.
But I don't, I still don't know what to do.
I don't feel as if a rush of fresh air's gone through my mind, I feel as though I'm caught in the wildest blizzard, snow blinding me wherever I look. This isn't right, being torn in these different directions all the time, your gut dragging you one way, your brains another. Or worse, not even a distinction between guts and brains; all of it's your guts, dragging you in different ways at the same time. I don't know myself, I thought I knew what I wanted and needed to do, but I'm so helpless, so weak... maybe it's like alev said to me, that as time goes by you grow and as you grow you will learn what to do. That rushing decisions is not the way to do things. Somewhere, in the back of my mind, I figured there had to be a change, there had to be a change now, but it's not the right kind nor in the right time. I wanted us to move apart, to have the benefits of personal space, but I didn't want us to live this far apart. And I didn't want it to happen like this... I don't want us to grow apart, Ruby... I don't want this to happen... Everywhere I turn my eyes I see you, every step I take I miss you, I feel like I'm doomed, that my life will be forever unhappy if I go through with this, I'll forever be craving you. Fine, maybe in the long run it could be good, maybe in the long run it could be better, even, but what will I have achieved with it? Will it make me happy to trade the enchanted present for a clouded, uncertain future?
I try to be strong but all I can think of are the moments, the moments when everything was beautiful, when everything was allright, when I felt safe.
Tell me, what will I gain losing this? I don't know, I do not know.
And then earlier tonight, I was talking to Ruby on msn cause I was feeling so sad about everything; and guess what happened? I got a call from his sister...! I'm not gonna go into any details other than that it made me feel ten times worse than before and wish I hadn't spoken to him even on msn, then at least I wouldn't 'ave had to take this stupid phone call. And yeah, I know the word 'stupid' is very mediocre and everything, especially coming from a Poet, but that's all I can describe it as, so stupid in all its profound stupidness that it's not even worth me thinking of better ways to write about it. I don't know what I did to deserve it, but see what happens, see what happens when you try to say you're sorry about something, you wanna try to fix things. You get this.
Why get yourself a scarecrow when you can just make perfect use of your sisters and brothers. Geez. I'm going to bed.
Stagger
I look around me
And you're everywhere
No way I can shield myself
From you
Automatically
Search the room for you
But you're so close to me
That you're not there
My mind's playing tricks with me
With these shadows on the walls
Cast by your absence, they're making me fall
Staggered out of darkness once,
I can do it once more
What doesn't kill me'll keep me alive
And then I won't stagger no more
Don't look around me
Don't breathe the air
Some way it's like I lay myself
With you
Automatically
Fingers search for you
But you're so close to me
That you're not there
My mind's playing tricks with me
With these shadows on the walls
Cast by your absence, they're making me fall
Staggered out of darkness once,
I can do it once more
What doesn't kill me'll keep me alive
And then I won't stagger no more
Give me the strongest poison there is,
Stab me with daggers and my soul will soar,
Tear me in pieces, I'll endure all of this,
Cause soon as I'm hardened I stagger no more
My mind's playing tricks with me
With these shadows on the walls
Cast by your absence, they're making me fall
Staggered out of darkness once,
I can do it once more
What doesn't kill me'll keep me alive
And then I won't stagger no more
And you're everywhere
No way I can shield myself
From you
Automatically
Search the room for you
But you're so close to me
That you're not there
My mind's playing tricks with me
With these shadows on the walls
Cast by your absence, they're making me fall
Staggered out of darkness once,
I can do it once more
What doesn't kill me'll keep me alive
And then I won't stagger no more
Don't look around me
Don't breathe the air
Some way it's like I lay myself
With you
Automatically
Fingers search for you
But you're so close to me
That you're not there
My mind's playing tricks with me
With these shadows on the walls
Cast by your absence, they're making me fall
Staggered out of darkness once,
I can do it once more
What doesn't kill me'll keep me alive
And then I won't stagger no more
Give me the strongest poison there is,
Stab me with daggers and my soul will soar,
Tear me in pieces, I'll endure all of this,
Cause soon as I'm hardened I stagger no more
My mind's playing tricks with me
With these shadows on the walls
Cast by your absence, they're making me fall
Staggered out of darkness once,
I can do it once more
What doesn't kill me'll keep me alive
And then I won't stagger no more
Tuesday, September 18
The Plate Of Pie
I gotta say it like that, cause that's how it is! Guess what happened to me today? I called the landlord about the flat, and after a lot of calling back and forth setting things up, guess what - I GOT THE FLAT! Nisse said I better buy myself a lottery ticket now that I'm being so lucky, haha. Honestly, this is insane, I dunno when was the last time I ever felt so thrilled with things. Anyway, this was all I was supposed to allow myself typing down before I get on with that essay. So byebye for now... Celebrate for me, cause I will!
PS, one more thing. I met with Nikki today and talked things over, I couldn't stop myself from crying, I was sobbing all over the plate with pie, despite all the good news I've received these last two days. I was like a bloody fountain in a manner of speaking. I'm not gonna bring up the details here, it aint far to either one of us, but simply what we decided, which is this: we aint gonna be in touch 'til Friday, plenty of time to think things over. And we'll take it from there. DS.
From The Poet in the Jar.
PS, one more thing. I met with Nikki today and talked things over, I couldn't stop myself from crying, I was sobbing all over the plate with pie, despite all the good news I've received these last two days. I was like a bloody fountain in a manner of speaking. I'm not gonna bring up the details here, it aint far to either one of us, but simply what we decided, which is this: we aint gonna be in touch 'til Friday, plenty of time to think things over. And we'll take it from there. DS.
From The Poet in the Jar.
Put The Shift In Overdrive
...step on the gas and zoom! Fly away. Well, not literally, but close enough. I managed my driver's license today! Awesome, huh? It only took me, let's see, about two years to get it. Haha! My family's gonna remember me for this. No seriously, it's like a stone just fell off my shoulders, now I don't have to worry about it any more, not ever. And on Saturday, I can just drive off to work. And then drive back home. And then drive downtown, and then drive uptown. Take the car to go swimming, take the car back from swimming. You get my point. Halleluja, praise the city of Borås, where I'll always remember by the day that I got my license! And freedom and loads of opportunities to further pollute the atmosphere and poison the world's inhabitants with dangerous halts of carbon dioxide. But let's not talk about that.
I'm dead tired and I gotta go to school dead early in the morning, I'm gonna call this a night. I'll drop by tomorrow when I'm stuck in that damn argumentative essay and wanna do something more interesting, like developing this idea for a poem that's singing on the inside of my head. Wii, see ya then.
From The Poet Or Whoever's Stuck In That Damn Jar That Keeps Being Mentioned.
I'm dead tired and I gotta go to school dead early in the morning, I'm gonna call this a night. I'll drop by tomorrow when I'm stuck in that damn argumentative essay and wanna do something more interesting, like developing this idea for a poem that's singing on the inside of my head. Wii, see ya then.
From The Poet Or Whoever's Stuck In That Damn Jar That Keeps Being Mentioned.
Sunday, September 16
Through The Mist
Why
Did you make my feelings
Incomplete
Unwhole and confusing
Why
Did you make my thoughts
So weak
Why
Did you make me lose my mind
Did you make me reconcile
With wrongs
In my life
How am I gonna find m'way through the mist?
There's gotta be something I have missed
Or else I would be done with this
Waved my goodbyes
To this
Why
Will you leave me now it's said and done
Now you've seen what I've become
The blood on my hands
Aren't from anyone
I'm telling you,
I'm not that anyone
How am I gonna find m'way through the mist?
There's gotta be something I have missed
Or else I would be done with this
Waved my goodbyes
To this
Did you make my feelings
Incomplete
Unwhole and confusing
Why
Did you make my thoughts
So weak
Why
Did you make me lose my mind
Did you make me reconcile
With wrongs
In my life
How am I gonna find m'way through the mist?
There's gotta be something I have missed
Or else I would be done with this
Waved my goodbyes
To this
Why
Will you leave me now it's said and done
Now you've seen what I've become
The blood on my hands
Aren't from anyone
I'm telling you,
I'm not that anyone
How am I gonna find m'way through the mist?
There's gotta be something I have missed
Or else I would be done with this
Waved my goodbyes
To this
Question & Criticize
Every text they shove under our noses in school is all the same; subjective, assumptive, stating 'truths' we're supposed to happily accept. Exam question one, describe this issue... according to the authors. Exam question two, what is the author's view of this and that. Exam question three, how does the author feel about, yeah, well you get the picture. I thought school was all here to teach us something, that we'd be taught the freedom of thought, that we'd get to explore, use our curiosity, question; criticize; and make our own conclusions about stuff. What is this that we get? Why do we spend hours and hours cramming into our heads what other people think about everything?
What does it give us, as future teachers, to keep quoting and assembling other people's thoughts? I hate it that school seems to wanna rid our minds of independence, of our own thinking.
So much for the higher education.
I could learn all this better if I did it myself, and then at least I'd be allowed to think whatever I want about it. Darn.
From the Teaching Poet In The Independent Jar.
What does it give us, as future teachers, to keep quoting and assembling other people's thoughts? I hate it that school seems to wanna rid our minds of independence, of our own thinking.
So much for the higher education.
I could learn all this better if I did it myself, and then at least I'd be allowed to think whatever I want about it. Darn.
From the Teaching Poet In The Independent Jar.
Voicing My Wishes
Sure our life's a bless that's been given us
But I doubt who blessed us would'ave forgiven us
If it'd been known what we state,
what we say with our words,
meaning we know all there is of this world,
Who gave you the right to claim what's the truth?
Why do you stuff this in the heads of the youth?
You've decided what's gonna be the fate for us,
all a while all you've done is that you've hated us
Heap over the faults and the blame on us,
I can't see I'm guilty in wanting to be free a little,
Wanting to believe a little
All the wishes in the world won't bring my mind back,
but at least they've brought me down the right track.
But I doubt who blessed us would'ave forgiven us
If it'd been known what we state,
what we say with our words,
meaning we know all there is of this world,
Who gave you the right to claim what's the truth?
Why do you stuff this in the heads of the youth?
You've decided what's gonna be the fate for us,
all a while all you've done is that you've hated us
Heap over the faults and the blame on us,
I can't see I'm guilty in wanting to be free a little,
Wanting to believe a little
All the wishes in the world won't bring my mind back,
but at least they've brought me down the right track.
Saturday, September 15
Artist In The Jar Project
Sorry, folks, no news about the flat yet, I'll have to wait 'til Monday 'til I can call in and see what's been happening. I'm very tense about it, the more time that passes by, the more sceptical I become. A shame. Anyways! I thought I'd promote my new project a little, while I'm at it with this posting business. I got this idea today on my way home from school, like, what happens to all those drawings you do in your notebooks in class when you're bored? You never have the time to finish them, and most of the time they end up in the trash without no one ever seeing it, and you probably think it's best that way, that they weren't finished anyhow. But sometimes, you can catch like, something really good in those pages, it's like glimpses of art, somehow. And what says this art should be minor compared to that you spend hours to perfect?
So, I took this idea and made something concrete outta it, a spinoff site of this one: the Artist in the Jar Project. There you can check out all the stuff I've scribbled down on pages, instead of me throwing it in the bin. Well, that's the aim, anyhows, check out this dawning site by using the link either here or any of the other various places I've snuck it in, ha, ha.
Can't believe it, I've been home for hours and hours, and I aint done nothing! I've got a mountain of homework to catch up with and stuff I gotta read and an essay to write, and I don't even wanna start studying when this place looks like such a mess... but what the heck, I'm still too tired to care and I gotta go... Nightie.
POET in the JAR ALWAYS DELIVERS.
So, I took this idea and made something concrete outta it, a spinoff site of this one: the Artist in the Jar Project. There you can check out all the stuff I've scribbled down on pages, instead of me throwing it in the bin. Well, that's the aim, anyhows, check out this dawning site by using the link either here or any of the other various places I've snuck it in, ha, ha.
Can't believe it, I've been home for hours and hours, and I aint done nothing! I've got a mountain of homework to catch up with and stuff I gotta read and an essay to write, and I don't even wanna start studying when this place looks like such a mess... but what the heck, I'm still too tired to care and I gotta go... Nightie.
POET in the JAR ALWAYS DELIVERS.
Friday, September 14
I'm No Hero
How could I have known
where all this would take us?
How am I supposed
to be the hero, to bless us?
I'm not the one to save us
I'm no hero
And you wonder
If a second or two would'ave made the difference
And you ask yourself
Could I have made it in time to help
But it varies
You never know where to find the answer
Would you see it?
And if you did would you seize it?
How could I have known
where all this would take us?
How am I supposed
to be the hero, to bless us?
I'm not the one to save us
I'm no hero
Now the time's here
Time to teach myself what I treasure
And forget the things
That add to my aches
Aint been taught to fly
A wingless bird like me will drop
If ever I got the chance to try
How could I have known
where all this would take us?
How am I supposed
to be the hero, to bless us?
I'm not the one to save us
I'm no hero, can't free us,
I'm not the one to salvate us,
No hero, look away from me,
You won't find a halo above of me,
I'm no hero, what you expect of me
Is unreasonably
Too high a hope
where all this would take us?
How am I supposed
to be the hero, to bless us?
I'm not the one to save us
I'm no hero
And you wonder
If a second or two would'ave made the difference
And you ask yourself
Could I have made it in time to help
But it varies
You never know where to find the answer
Would you see it?
And if you did would you seize it?
How could I have known
where all this would take us?
How am I supposed
to be the hero, to bless us?
I'm not the one to save us
I'm no hero
Now the time's here
Time to teach myself what I treasure
And forget the things
That add to my aches
Aint been taught to fly
A wingless bird like me will drop
If ever I got the chance to try
How could I have known
where all this would take us?
How am I supposed
to be the hero, to bless us?
I'm not the one to save us
I'm no hero, can't free us,
I'm not the one to salvate us,
No hero, look away from me,
You won't find a halo above of me,
I'm no hero, what you expect of me
Is unreasonably
Too high a hope
Tuesday, September 11
Guardian Gardener
This is for a friend of mine.
Laughing lilly,
Leave your dew tears
Remember that I,
your gardener, am here
I'll keep an eye on you when you bloom,
Even more when you wither,
When your petals make way
To the autumndressed doom
Then when spring resurrects you,
I'll have gone nowhere far
I'll be the gardener and your smiling friend
The one to save you from how flowers end
And in your eyes then I would be
What you already been to me.
Laughing lilly,
Leave your dew tears
Remember that I,
your gardener, am here
I'll keep an eye on you when you bloom,
Even more when you wither,
When your petals make way
To the autumndressed doom
Then when spring resurrects you,
I'll have gone nowhere far
I'll be the gardener and your smiling friend
The one to save you from how flowers end
And in your eyes then I would be
What you already been to me.
Fall Flat
Greetings! I have news to tell.
Went to see this wonderful, marvellous apartment yesterday. You know, the one I was all enthusiastic about last Friday? Well, that's the one. And it was beautiful, everything was all new and modern and the walls were colourful, not white like they are here. It would be perfect for me, perfect amount of space, and definitely perfect, oh, what do you call it, place? It's like, if I look out of the window I can see when the train's coming. Couldn't be much better, really.
I know I shouldn't expect to get it, but I'll be so disappointed if I don't. It was like, the apartment I've been wanting all along, it's the one I've been looking for, like, this is it, you know. Anyway, can't help but get my hopes up. This business reminds me of last time I wasn't supposed to get excited about something but I did. That didn't end well either. Guess that's why it's been a while since I've felt this excited! Yeah, yeah. I'm not gonna let it go to my head. But I'm gonna let myself be happy about this. Gonna let myself hope.
This bloke that showed us the apartment - yeah... I dragged my Dad with me - said there'd only been one more person who'd come to see the apartment, and she'd said she was number five in line. That makes me go thinking the following: who accepts an apartment without seeing it first? I certainly wouldn't. That would mean that the number one and two in line have not called in for a go-see. Today is the last day to do that, and hadn't they done it yesterday if they were eager? Or even Friday? If they had, the landlord would'ave put them through to this bloke to schedule a go-see, but as late as last night, only two people had called, me and this girl who is actually after me in line. Now. All I'm hoping for is that these two people ahead of me in line either, you know, forget about calling in, or have found something else, so they won't get in touch. I am keeping my hopes up that none of them calls today either. If they don't the flat is guaranteed to be mine.
Hmm... how did I make it sound so beneficial?
Anyway, I'm happy about stuff either way. Just found the charger for my Ipod, it's been driving me crazy that I couldn't get hold of it. And as a bonus, I've managed to fix that bug with Itunes, as well. I'm gonna shovel up some food now and hop in the shower, I'm supposed to meet with Elle in like, half an hour. Just had to drop by here first, ha, ha. See ya.
Went to see this wonderful, marvellous apartment yesterday. You know, the one I was all enthusiastic about last Friday? Well, that's the one. And it was beautiful, everything was all new and modern and the walls were colourful, not white like they are here. It would be perfect for me, perfect amount of space, and definitely perfect, oh, what do you call it, place? It's like, if I look out of the window I can see when the train's coming. Couldn't be much better, really.
I know I shouldn't expect to get it, but I'll be so disappointed if I don't. It was like, the apartment I've been wanting all along, it's the one I've been looking for, like, this is it, you know. Anyway, can't help but get my hopes up. This business reminds me of last time I wasn't supposed to get excited about something but I did. That didn't end well either. Guess that's why it's been a while since I've felt this excited! Yeah, yeah. I'm not gonna let it go to my head. But I'm gonna let myself be happy about this. Gonna let myself hope.
This bloke that showed us the apartment - yeah... I dragged my Dad with me - said there'd only been one more person who'd come to see the apartment, and she'd said she was number five in line. That makes me go thinking the following: who accepts an apartment without seeing it first? I certainly wouldn't. That would mean that the number one and two in line have not called in for a go-see. Today is the last day to do that, and hadn't they done it yesterday if they were eager? Or even Friday? If they had, the landlord would'ave put them through to this bloke to schedule a go-see, but as late as last night, only two people had called, me and this girl who is actually after me in line. Now. All I'm hoping for is that these two people ahead of me in line either, you know, forget about calling in, or have found something else, so they won't get in touch. I am keeping my hopes up that none of them calls today either. If they don't the flat is guaranteed to be mine.
Hmm... how did I make it sound so beneficial?
Anyway, I'm happy about stuff either way. Just found the charger for my Ipod, it's been driving me crazy that I couldn't get hold of it. And as a bonus, I've managed to fix that bug with Itunes, as well. I'm gonna shovel up some food now and hop in the shower, I'm supposed to meet with Elle in like, half an hour. Just had to drop by here first, ha, ha. See ya.
Sunday, September 9
Headaches & Lollipops
I want to know who I am.
So this thing I read somewhere kinda inspired me to do an interview with myself.
Here goes:
What do I stand for?
I stand for myself and what makes me what I am.
It is not in my nature to change my fundamental self for someone else's sake.
What makes me happy?
I am happy when I'm around good people, or when good things in general happen around me. Positive reactions to what I write and create always fills my heart with warmth and inspiration. When I am the most inspired is not necessarily when I am the most happy, but I am happiest when inspiration clutches me... if I get my drift there.
What makes me frightened?
The thought of death among my loved ones.
What is my favourite word?
Freedom.
What is my least favourite word?
Shallowness.
Who would I save, an unknown child or my own sister?
I would sacrifice myself in the attempt to save both. I'm not saying that to try and sound real heroic, but I'd rather go for both and have us all lost, then save one and live the rest of my life with the consequences of my choice. Wait... that sounds more selfish than heroic actually...
What do I regret most about my life so far?
I think there are always things you regret, that you would like to take back or have undone. But if you never done those things, you never would'ave learnt from it, meaning you would be more ignorant as a person. One thing I can say right away that I regret though, is not taking chances that are now long gone by, and sometimes taking too long time making important decisions.
What am I most content with about my life so far?
That I'm not afraid to listen to myself and my needs. That pressure from other people don't affect me.
What is my current headache?
I feel really out of place along my classmates, everyone's so neat and blonde and, like, are wearing little trendy dresses and glasses. Then I come along with my piercings, Jack Sparrow boots, black T-shirts, black hair, and constant pondering of death. It's like, where do I fit in here?
What is my current... lollipop?
Might be moving out soon... Yes!
Who do I value most in life?
This is such a hard question, because there are so many out there that I really treasure. My friends, and family, and everyone, and I love you all. But if I could pick just one person I have to say my mother. I might be mad at her like wild at times, but no one knows me as well as her, and I don't even have to open my mouth to tell. I don't know at all what I would do without her.
Finally: Make a wish.
This is where I close my eyes and don't take me with me. Else it won't come true, right...?
So this thing I read somewhere kinda inspired me to do an interview with myself.
Here goes:
What do I stand for?
I stand for myself and what makes me what I am.
It is not in my nature to change my fundamental self for someone else's sake.
What makes me happy?
I am happy when I'm around good people, or when good things in general happen around me. Positive reactions to what I write and create always fills my heart with warmth and inspiration. When I am the most inspired is not necessarily when I am the most happy, but I am happiest when inspiration clutches me... if I get my drift there.
What makes me frightened?
The thought of death among my loved ones.
What is my favourite word?
Freedom.
What is my least favourite word?
Shallowness.
Who would I save, an unknown child or my own sister?
I would sacrifice myself in the attempt to save both. I'm not saying that to try and sound real heroic, but I'd rather go for both and have us all lost, then save one and live the rest of my life with the consequences of my choice. Wait... that sounds more selfish than heroic actually...
What do I regret most about my life so far?
I think there are always things you regret, that you would like to take back or have undone. But if you never done those things, you never would'ave learnt from it, meaning you would be more ignorant as a person. One thing I can say right away that I regret though, is not taking chances that are now long gone by, and sometimes taking too long time making important decisions.
What am I most content with about my life so far?
That I'm not afraid to listen to myself and my needs. That pressure from other people don't affect me.
What is my current headache?
I feel really out of place along my classmates, everyone's so neat and blonde and, like, are wearing little trendy dresses and glasses. Then I come along with my piercings, Jack Sparrow boots, black T-shirts, black hair, and constant pondering of death. It's like, where do I fit in here?
What is my current... lollipop?
Might be moving out soon... Yes!
Who do I value most in life?
This is such a hard question, because there are so many out there that I really treasure. My friends, and family, and everyone, and I love you all. But if I could pick just one person I have to say my mother. I might be mad at her like wild at times, but no one knows me as well as her, and I don't even have to open my mouth to tell. I don't know at all what I would do without her.
Finally: Make a wish.
This is where I close my eyes and don't take me with me. Else it won't come true, right...?
Bottles
I'm emptier now,
since you've poured me out.
Poured my hope
down along your throat.
You come to me
to put out your thirst.
Never consider what I might be worth.
My neck doesn't bleed
Just for you to feed,
I don't fix my hair
just for your eyes to stare,
I have others in my life
That will not drink me,
Won't consume me.
I'm too good a wine
to go to waste.
But when you come to me,
you aint in it for the taste.
So enjoy me while I last,
enjoy me with haste.
since you've poured me out.
Poured my hope
down along your throat.
You come to me
to put out your thirst.
Never consider what I might be worth.
My neck doesn't bleed
Just for you to feed,
I don't fix my hair
just for your eyes to stare,
I have others in my life
That will not drink me,
Won't consume me.
I'm too good a wine
to go to waste.
But when you come to me,
you aint in it for the taste.
So enjoy me while I last,
enjoy me with haste.
Friday, September 7
Incoming!
This is amazing!
I know I'm all sick and supposed to be in bed and everything, but guess what just dropped into my mailbox? It's an offer to come see an apartment! Oh, it would be so wonderful if I could get this one, really, really wonderful. It's in the house right next to the train station, meaning, I'll have like one minute to walk to the train instead of twenty minutes on bus plus waiting time. It's like, I walk down the stairs, and tadaa! I'm there. It's a one-roomer, 45 square metres, on the third floor, and the rent is 3.100 SEK, that's actually cheaper than what I'm paying now. Everything's included except electricity, just like it is now. If this works out, I might be moving as soon as January!
Yeay!
Allright. You're thinking all this sounds awesome, so what's the downside, you ask yourself. Well, there is basically one catch. I'm number three in line. Meaning, if any of the first two decide to take this flat, I'm screwed. But not even that can bring my mood down. This is the furthest I've got so far in this whole moving out business, and I'm thrilled about it. Even if I don't get it, well what happens then? One of the first two in line gets it instead, and there is one person less in front of me for the next flat that comes up. And if I got to be number three on an apartment this good, well, then it won't take too long before another one comes up. Equally good!
Finally, it pays off that I called around to the different landlords rather than putting my trust solely in the municipality's offerings. I'm just so happy! Even my cold seems to just fly away with this happy news.
Now all I've gotta do is remember to call this landlord first thing on Monday to make an appointment for the go-see. If I don't call in before Tuesday, I'll be completely removed from their register, and that we do not want.
Ahh... now I got that out of me, I'm gonna do what sick people mostly do, which is lie down on the couch and play Zelda: The Wind Waker. Oh my, I love that game. See ya!
Poet In The Jar
EDIT: By the way, I found these goodies on POTF site that hopefully will be landing in my mailbox too someday!
Awww... so pretty.
I know I'm all sick and supposed to be in bed and everything, but guess what just dropped into my mailbox? It's an offer to come see an apartment! Oh, it would be so wonderful if I could get this one, really, really wonderful. It's in the house right next to the train station, meaning, I'll have like one minute to walk to the train instead of twenty minutes on bus plus waiting time. It's like, I walk down the stairs, and tadaa! I'm there. It's a one-roomer, 45 square metres, on the third floor, and the rent is 3.100 SEK, that's actually cheaper than what I'm paying now. Everything's included except electricity, just like it is now. If this works out, I might be moving as soon as January!
Yeay!
Allright. You're thinking all this sounds awesome, so what's the downside, you ask yourself. Well, there is basically one catch. I'm number three in line. Meaning, if any of the first two decide to take this flat, I'm screwed. But not even that can bring my mood down. This is the furthest I've got so far in this whole moving out business, and I'm thrilled about it. Even if I don't get it, well what happens then? One of the first two in line gets it instead, and there is one person less in front of me for the next flat that comes up. And if I got to be number three on an apartment this good, well, then it won't take too long before another one comes up. Equally good!
Finally, it pays off that I called around to the different landlords rather than putting my trust solely in the municipality's offerings. I'm just so happy! Even my cold seems to just fly away with this happy news.
Now all I've gotta do is remember to call this landlord first thing on Monday to make an appointment for the go-see. If I don't call in before Tuesday, I'll be completely removed from their register, and that we do not want.
Ahh... now I got that out of me, I'm gonna do what sick people mostly do, which is lie down on the couch and play Zelda: The Wind Waker. Oh my, I love that game. See ya!
Poet In The Jar
EDIT: By the way, I found these goodies on POTF site that hopefully will be landing in my mailbox too someday!
Awww... so pretty.
Thursday, September 6
Walk The Plank
I don't know why I still listen to you.
Why your words just pierce me through.
Can't help it, I just do.
As if I was frozen.
You've hurt me more than I could ever say.
And you never really took my breath away.
I know you're my love allright.
But we never agreed on the sacrifice.
I can sail these waters if I really try,
and the cliffs might not be very high,
but what is the point, I ask myself why.
Why should I steer on with torn apart sails,
when the troubleless life is just that plank away.
Why your words just pierce me through.
Can't help it, I just do.
As if I was frozen.
You've hurt me more than I could ever say.
And you never really took my breath away.
I know you're my love allright.
But we never agreed on the sacrifice.
I can sail these waters if I really try,
and the cliffs might not be very high,
but what is the point, I ask myself why.
Why should I steer on with torn apart sails,
when the troubleless life is just that plank away.
That's When
It's when you see rainbows in the splashing water of the fountain.
When the sun goes down and colours all the sky with a thousand colours of pink and orange and gold.
When you look across the room and meet a pair of friendly eyes that try to tell you something... something other than the usual small talk.
That's when you're happy about living in this country.
I love it.
Please, take my mind off things like this more often.
Signed,
POET in the JAR
When the sun goes down and colours all the sky with a thousand colours of pink and orange and gold.
When you look across the room and meet a pair of friendly eyes that try to tell you something... something other than the usual small talk.
That's when you're happy about living in this country.
I love it.
Please, take my mind off things like this more often.
Signed,
POET in the JAR
Wednesday, September 5
Prisoner Of Mind
For you I'd wait 'til kingdom come
Until my days, my days are done
And say you'll come and set me free
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.
Coldplay / Til Kingdom Come
________________________________
I've got all these thoughts buzzing in my head, wheeling about in there, confusing me, at the same time as they make things easier. I don't understand how people bare to have this carousel inside them all the time. And if I think this is tough, then consider how many people live in this country, on this continent, in all of this world. Every single one is having just as complicated series of thoughts, it might even be in this very moment. Aint that a hell of a workload for, say, someone who could hear all these arguments tripping over themselves, encouragements, down-feelings, every thought! Guess the only one who could would be God, but since I don't really believe there's someone up there, least not now he's seen what free will does to people - well, the conclusion I draw is that if there exists someone who could read all these minds, well, then I'd have to admit it would be some kind of supernatural being. Not denying or confirming anything. Anyway, maybe this is the reason why I tend to feel uncomfortable when there's a lot of people moving around, all of their thoughts and feelings, the idea that all of them are wrestling with such feelings and thoughts that I do, or similar at least, it's just overwhelming, I can't get it into my head. Well, pondering about it, actually, I can't get this idea out of my head.
How do people gather the strength to keep going in life? Don't they ever just realize that there's no point, it don't take us anywhere. But no, folks are too busy worrying about themselves and how they're gonna live up to their dreams and how to redecorate their homes, anything to keep outta mind what's all gonna happen to us in the end, that when they're gone they aint gonna matter anymore, it's just one person more or less. I think most people have thoughts like these when they're like me, young and critical and stuff, but after a while they get sick of trying so hard for nothing, and as they grow older, all they care about is to make themselves happy enough as not to regret how they lived their lives when they die. I'm not saying it's wrong, it just strikes me as a bit unfair. Look, we got this one life in this world. (For you who might believe in reincarnation, we've got this one life at a time in this world.) And this one chance to do something, to make a difference, to matter to people. We shouldn't be fighting over the silliest stuff, or waging war, there shouldn't be a need for anyone to be hostile against eachother. I don't understand why people just can't let eachother be. People! You don't have to hold hands, but couldn't you just accept the fact that people think and live differently, and leave eachother alone?
Why is it that this is so hard? I think if you asked the people of this world what they truly desired, and they were given the chance to speak absolutely freely, the majority of the answers you'd get would not be the words 'go to war'. Too many of us out there are brainwashed by those who hold the power. Yeah, you gotta do this for the sake of your country, you gotta do this to keep us free, but the moment you let them words sink in, free is the exact opposite of what you are. You are a prisoner of your own mind and of the impressions that are stuffed into your head about who you should act like, what you should think and what you should be.
I'm gonna illustrate this with the refrain of POTF song Illusion and Dream.
It's whatever makes you see (Others decide what you should see)
makes you believe (And you believe in what you are shown)
And forget about the premonition you need to conceive (And forget that you have a mind of your own)
That the images they sell are illusion & dream (You don't understand that you are being fooled)
In other words dishonesty (That it's all a game they play with you)
Signed,
THE POET IN THE JAR
Until my days, my days are done
And say you'll come and set me free
Just say you'll wait, you'll wait for me.
Coldplay / Til Kingdom Come
________________________________
I've got all these thoughts buzzing in my head, wheeling about in there, confusing me, at the same time as they make things easier. I don't understand how people bare to have this carousel inside them all the time. And if I think this is tough, then consider how many people live in this country, on this continent, in all of this world. Every single one is having just as complicated series of thoughts, it might even be in this very moment. Aint that a hell of a workload for, say, someone who could hear all these arguments tripping over themselves, encouragements, down-feelings, every thought! Guess the only one who could would be God, but since I don't really believe there's someone up there, least not now he's seen what free will does to people - well, the conclusion I draw is that if there exists someone who could read all these minds, well, then I'd have to admit it would be some kind of supernatural being. Not denying or confirming anything. Anyway, maybe this is the reason why I tend to feel uncomfortable when there's a lot of people moving around, all of their thoughts and feelings, the idea that all of them are wrestling with such feelings and thoughts that I do, or similar at least, it's just overwhelming, I can't get it into my head. Well, pondering about it, actually, I can't get this idea out of my head.
How do people gather the strength to keep going in life? Don't they ever just realize that there's no point, it don't take us anywhere. But no, folks are too busy worrying about themselves and how they're gonna live up to their dreams and how to redecorate their homes, anything to keep outta mind what's all gonna happen to us in the end, that when they're gone they aint gonna matter anymore, it's just one person more or less. I think most people have thoughts like these when they're like me, young and critical and stuff, but after a while they get sick of trying so hard for nothing, and as they grow older, all they care about is to make themselves happy enough as not to regret how they lived their lives when they die. I'm not saying it's wrong, it just strikes me as a bit unfair. Look, we got this one life in this world. (For you who might believe in reincarnation, we've got this one life at a time in this world.) And this one chance to do something, to make a difference, to matter to people. We shouldn't be fighting over the silliest stuff, or waging war, there shouldn't be a need for anyone to be hostile against eachother. I don't understand why people just can't let eachother be. People! You don't have to hold hands, but couldn't you just accept the fact that people think and live differently, and leave eachother alone?
Why is it that this is so hard? I think if you asked the people of this world what they truly desired, and they were given the chance to speak absolutely freely, the majority of the answers you'd get would not be the words 'go to war'. Too many of us out there are brainwashed by those who hold the power. Yeah, you gotta do this for the sake of your country, you gotta do this to keep us free, but the moment you let them words sink in, free is the exact opposite of what you are. You are a prisoner of your own mind and of the impressions that are stuffed into your head about who you should act like, what you should think and what you should be.
I'm gonna illustrate this with the refrain of POTF song Illusion and Dream.
It's whatever makes you see (Others decide what you should see)
makes you believe (And you believe in what you are shown)
And forget about the premonition you need to conceive (And forget that you have a mind of your own)
That the images they sell are illusion & dream (You don't understand that you are being fooled)
In other words dishonesty (That it's all a game they play with you)
Signed,
THE POET IN THE JAR
Monday, September 3
Feverish, Dizzy, On Fire
I feel feverish, like I'm burning. My head is dizzy. I know perfectly clear where I am but still I feel confused about it. The heat in this apartment is unbelievable. I was hungry before I got here, but the warmth just takes all your hunger away. All I wanna do is lie down and sleep, but I'm afraid to do so, afraid I won't wake up, that's what it feels like. It would be just my luck if I got sick now, just when term's started and all. Just when I've bought all these books which I really, really hope my folks at home'll sponsor me with.
Nikki just got here, we're gonna stuff ourselves full of something eatable and see what happens. Don't count me out 'til I got one foot in the grave, ha, ha.
Nikki just got here, we're gonna stuff ourselves full of something eatable and see what happens. Don't count me out 'til I got one foot in the grave, ha, ha.
Saturday, September 1
Love Artistically
1.
It was not until the moment the brush touched the surface that he knew what the painting would look like. It was an artistic quality that helped him preserve the freedom of creation in his hobby. Therefore, one of the worst things he knew was painting on command. If you first got a pointer, your thoughts were locked down, and the result would never be half as good as it could have been.
He followed the strokes of the brush with his eyes as he conducted them, watching them while they slowly began taking shape. Now he knew exactly how it was to be done. Oh yes, it would encapsulate his memories, become a tribute to the past. His throat felt thick thinking about it, but he bit his lip and continued his work. The painting would be finished, and it would be exquisite.
It would depict her.
It was not until the moment the brush touched the surface that he knew what the painting would look like. It was an artistic quality that helped him preserve the freedom of creation in his hobby. Therefore, one of the worst things he knew was painting on command. If you first got a pointer, your thoughts were locked down, and the result would never be half as good as it could have been.
He followed the strokes of the brush with his eyes as he conducted them, watching them while they slowly began taking shape. Now he knew exactly how it was to be done. Oh yes, it would encapsulate his memories, become a tribute to the past. His throat felt thick thinking about it, but he bit his lip and continued his work. The painting would be finished, and it would be exquisite.
It would depict her.
2.
She had been the love of his life, and he would never forget her. He always had an image of her inside his mind. She lay there, floating teasingly in the outskirts of his conscious, only showing herself when it suited her. At times he woke up at night in despair, not being able to picture her face, but she would always come back to him later on, striking him with twice the power. It was not rare that she made him break down, partially out of relief, and partially out of the unbearable longing for her. He had not reached the step of sorrow where he could think about her without feeling sad, and he was unsure if he would ever get there. Meanwhile, he was cast away without her.
The taste of salt water on his tongue was driving him mad.
3.
Of course, both of them had known how fragile their relationship was. She lived on her clairvoyance and he was telepathic. It did not take long for her to see what lay before them. The thought of the future scared them both, but none of them was willing to stride off the path they had chosen. Whatever it meant, they would at least be together. If not else, for the shortest of times.
She never could stand leaving him in the mornings. She used to drag her feet behind her, staying as long as she possibly could. She would stand there in her white dressing gown, just looking at him, taking in every ounce of their existence with eachother; and he would dress and half-heartedly argue with her, telling her to hurry up. She knew he did it to cover his own fear. Because before they parted every day they met in a tense embrace that neither of them wanted to pull themselves out of.
Every day of their life together could be their last.
4.
Afterwards, he wondered if they should have done things differently. They had had the possibility to change everything, to affect things. They had had, what should it be called, better circumstances than others. But they were naïve then, thought she could be wrong, or that they could be invincible and resist their fate. Sometimes, when the anxiety grew especially strong, she would suggest they take another path in life to form their fate themselves. The times she mentioned this she never said out loud that she wanted to part from him, but he saw it in her thoughts. It had occurred to him as well, but his love for her was too strong for him to consider it for real. He asked her if she loved him. She said she did. Then he asked her if she was afraid of the future. She said she was. And when he asked her how she wanted to face her fate, she would burst into tears and come so close to him as she could, and he would rock her from side to side telling her he would never leave her, because he loved her so much.
I love you so much.
5.
He had left the house as soon as he could. When she was no longer there, he did not want to be there either. The last day he spent there, he walked around, looking. The rooms were empty and robbed of furniture and decorations, but her presence was everywhere, and he tried to take it all in with his breath, all the things that he sensed around him, while the feeling of loneliness grew overwhelming. He made it as far as to the bathroom, where he could still smell her perfume, before the violent tears came blurring his sight, and he sank onto the floor and rocked himself into an empty, dreamless sleep.
6.
There was a little decorative animal on the windowsill. It was a swan. It hadn’t really been hers, but he had given it to her and she had loved it. She used to say everyone had a little swan in them, and he had answered that not one was as beautiful as hers. She would look at him with a smile and put it up on her shelf. She had her own shelf for things she cared a lot about, and it warmed him up to know that his gift had been placed there once. Sometimes, he wished he had a shelf like that of his own, cause then he could have put her there, and she would still be around.
7.
He had been told to move on. Maybe he would when the time came. Maybe a ship would come by and pick him up from his isolated island, or a bottle would come with the water, notifying him that aid was on its way. It would be hopeless to build a raft, because no matter how hard he thought about it, he couldn’t imagine where he would find the wood for it.
At least he knew she would be waiting for him when he got out of there.
8.
He remembered one night when they had gone out. They didn’t do that too often, usually they would spend all their time together in the house. But that one night, they didn’t. She was delicate and beautiful as always, this evening she was wearing a skin coloured dress that reached almost all the way down to her knees, and was covered with glitter. He thought she looked like an angel, and he was proud to have her beside him as they walked down the street.
They ate at a small restaurant, and afterwards, they went ice skating in the park, and she was glowing in a particularly enjoyable way. Her cheeks were all red, her eyes glistening, and she told him what a wonderful time she was having. He pulled her close, the way he often did, and held her as close as he could, and he smiled into her hair as he thanked God fot letting him be so happy.
No one wanted to ruin the evening by talking about time.
9.
Time was an unpleasant expression. It contained the future. He started hoping that the days would get longer and longer, and maybe then time would not disappear so quickly. He was scared when he realized how many days they had already been given… it could mean that things were drawing to an end.
She always claimed she had not seen when it would happen, and he had believed her. But something told him she had a feeling.
10.
They used to meet eachother after work, by the birches a kilometer or so from the house. Then they would walk home together in silence. He liked that walk, and he missed strolling there with her when she was gone, looking at her enjoying the fresh air and the wind that stroked her cheeks.
A bad feeling was plaguing him throughout the day. He did not want to listen to it, but he came five minutes late to the birches that afternoon and by then she was not there. That in itself felt wrong. She was always there first. It did not feel good, not good at all. He sat down on a bench, stood up, wandered around, sat down, stood up again… He waited for two hours and she did not come. He did not know what to do. He felt up-side-down. He bent over and threw up in the grass. On his way home he did not dare breathing. She might have gone home early… forgotten to call him… and was in the house, waiting for him.
He searched the house and she was not there either.
He sat down by the phone, guarding it. He did not dare do anything else; he just sat there, on his guard. He hoped it would be her calling. He hoped something had just kept her. He hoped that she would come through the door anytime, hug him and say that everything was going to be just fine.
When the phone finally rang and he saw the number to her parents, he started feeling really sick. He stretched out a shivering hand and picked up the phone. He expected to hear the worst imagineable news.
11.
He closed his eyes and tried to remember the details of her face. The painting was almost finished, and he did not even feel sad when he looked at it. She looked so happy that he had to smile himself. He imagined her looking up at her shelf, getting that special glimmer in her eyes. He switched the brush for a smaller one, blended a white and yellowish colour and used it with care to make her eyes shine, like they had been doing that night when they had gone out. He did not want the painting to show her when she was worried and anxious.
He let the contours of her stay vague and fade into the background, a soft depiction of faint leaves swirling down a grey street in the autumn wind. There she stood smiling, on her last walk home. She could not be painted to clearly, he had to leave something for himself, something that was only his. Something he would never cease loving.
12.
He had hung up the phone, not knowing what to do next. He walked out into the bathroom and threw up again. Then he went outside, raking the grass. He felt strangely absent from the world, and nothing that he did seemed to matter anymore.
He fetched the mail and sorted it into piles before he started defrosting the freezer. But when he caught sight of her favourite ice cream lying there, neatly in its box, it suddenly and seemingly out of no reason appeared to him what it meant that she was gone. His throat went thick and he started to cry.
13.
He saw her death in his dreams. They tormented him all the night through, and she was no longer as beautiful as he remembered her. Her face was bruised and her clothes bloodstained when she met his eyes, gasping for air. He shouted her name and desperately tried to wake her up, when the light in her eyes faded away. He grasped her wrists as hard as he dared while letting go of all his sorrows in a scream, he rocked her back and forth, patting her thin body, but she never woke up.
She never woke up but he did. He woke up with a wet face and sore throat. For a second or so he wanted to go back to the dream so he could see her again, but the following second the idea sickened him so that he did not sleep for the rest of the night.
He had never seen her die in real life. But he thought that he had in a way, since he had known about it, and done nothing. All because he was selfish… because he wanted her to stay with him.
Maybe they should have parted earlier, saved them both all the suffering. Maybe it would have been better if they had chosen other fates.
He thought of what she used to say about fate as he laid the very last hand on the painting, signing it in the lower left corner. It was one of his most stunning works so far, and soon he knew that he would love it. But it was important that it was love for the work itself. The love for her would sometime fade along with him, but the love he place in that painting would last for as long as someone kept it on this Earth.
He assembled his brushes, colours and palettes and washed his hands. The painting was still up on its easel, and he let it be. He smiled at it, and the woman on the painting glanced playfully at him while her lips slid apart smiling too. That was how he wanted to remember her.
The proper way to remember her.
___________________________________
This is a translation of an old short story I wrote. I got some good feedback on it at the POTF forum lately and figured, what the heck, let's put it up in the Jar. I kinda miss the short story writing, it's an exciting genre of writing. It was interesting to see how the story kinda changed a bit with the translation from Swedish. Anyway, here goes. If this works out nicely I might be barging back into the mine digging of short stories again.
See ya.
This Privacy Shit
Listen.
I aint in this for the fame or for whoever might be reading this shit. If I didn't spit stuff out here it'd still come outta me, in a diary, in my lyrics or poems or whatever. So I'm gonna ditch all this privacy shit and get to business. What I do I do for me. And I'm gonna do honesty from now on. No hinting or implying or coverups, just the plain and simple truth. The way I view it, anyways.
My Mum was totally at me yesterday and I thought for no good reason. But later on it turned out that she was freaking out on me cause of something my sis had said that had come out pretty much on the wrong end, if I may say so. I was accused of a variety of things, one of which was that my Mum sometimes thought I "was the guy in your relationship". If you knew my Mum you'd know this is almost the worst kind of insult you could get if you were a girl like me. And I can't help but thinking, whatever she says or however she'll try to apologise, you know, it's like anything that comes out of my sis' mouth matters more than what I say. Why else would it be that whatever she claims is accepted as the hard facts? Well, don't bother checking with anyone who is really concerned about the matter and might know better, like.
Change of topic. Back to the introductory topic. Complete honesty. So let's cut the crap.
A couple of us guys headed to Gothenburg today, to this famous amusement park, like. It's kinda tradition for me to head down there at least once a year but it's been quite a while since. As nothing in comparison to Nikki though, cause he aint been there for the last couple years. It was good to have some innocent laughs together. Now, except for the raining and the queues, there were really only one thing that brought down my mood. And that was my row with Nikki.
It feels as though I can never do things right, never right enough, anyway. Anytime we do something like this that's supposed to be fun there's always something I do wrong that messes things up, always something I say or don't say or don't do. There is always a flaw, and it always has to be brought up, and it always drags me down in the darkness.
And that's all I have to say about that for now.
My Oh My! It's The Poet In The Jar Signature Again.
I aint in this for the fame or for whoever might be reading this shit. If I didn't spit stuff out here it'd still come outta me, in a diary, in my lyrics or poems or whatever. So I'm gonna ditch all this privacy shit and get to business. What I do I do for me. And I'm gonna do honesty from now on. No hinting or implying or coverups, just the plain and simple truth. The way I view it, anyways.
My Mum was totally at me yesterday and I thought for no good reason. But later on it turned out that she was freaking out on me cause of something my sis had said that had come out pretty much on the wrong end, if I may say so. I was accused of a variety of things, one of which was that my Mum sometimes thought I "was the guy in your relationship". If you knew my Mum you'd know this is almost the worst kind of insult you could get if you were a girl like me. And I can't help but thinking, whatever she says or however she'll try to apologise, you know, it's like anything that comes out of my sis' mouth matters more than what I say. Why else would it be that whatever she claims is accepted as the hard facts? Well, don't bother checking with anyone who is really concerned about the matter and might know better, like.
Change of topic. Back to the introductory topic. Complete honesty. So let's cut the crap.
A couple of us guys headed to Gothenburg today, to this famous amusement park, like. It's kinda tradition for me to head down there at least once a year but it's been quite a while since. As nothing in comparison to Nikki though, cause he aint been there for the last couple years. It was good to have some innocent laughs together. Now, except for the raining and the queues, there were really only one thing that brought down my mood. And that was my row with Nikki.
It feels as though I can never do things right, never right enough, anyway. Anytime we do something like this that's supposed to be fun there's always something I do wrong that messes things up, always something I say or don't say or don't do. There is always a flaw, and it always has to be brought up, and it always drags me down in the darkness.
And that's all I have to say about that for now.
My Oh My! It's The Poet In The Jar Signature Again.
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