Vacuum

My thighs are freezing. Why? Because I stayed out too late at the pier, and had too little clothes. I went there to find a quiet corner, watch the lights on the bridge ahead and listen to the ocean. It soothed me for a little while. Before I found myself half over the railing, shoe laces dangling over the water, thinking: I wonder how cold it'll be.
I was starting to get Rose Dewitt Bukater vibes and got my feet back onto the catwalk. And firstly then I panicked. I couldn't breathe.
You don't know it yet, but life isn't supposed to be like this. It's not supposed to be this hard.
She has some wise things to say sometimes, that Meredith Grey.

You said you were worried I'd do something bad. I was worried you would. I guess our history is like that, although we never really saw into the darkest places. We let those places be, just touched on the subject.
I never told you the nightmares I used to have.
Before you.
I never took that extra step. I was never really driven to. I played around with broken glass without trying to cut; I sank below the surface in the bathtub for as long as I could without trying to drown. I put needles in my skin, but only with ink. I thought about it many times... just never... did it.
I didn't do it today either. But I fucking scared myself. And that was enough.
It seems like a mockery just to keep existing. What here is worth my while now? How do I find the energy to do anything? To cope?
You used to make it go away, magically. When I slept and you held me, there was nothing else, not a worry in the world. I felt safe with you. There was just the moment.
How could you make me feel so safe?
How could you look me in the eyes and smile with me?
How could you come so close to me and then just fall away?
What are you afraid of?
What went wrong?

Why can't I understand?

My thighs are freezing. My lungs are worn out and my eyes are swollen. I should go on with my daily life, but how? How do I live in this vacuum, where there's no longer anyone to talk to when it gets dark outside, when our memories have been reduced to my things in a red plastic bag, when nothing holds any meaning?

How can something that felt so right be wrong?

You have tried to explain, you gave all the answers you could give, but my head is buzzing with questions, they won't give me any rest. You said these things are never easy, like you were talking about anyone; someone you didn't know. You made it sound like you'd known me for two weeks. Not like seven months. Was it somewhere there we would have landed? I don't know. Am I supposed to remember? Am I supposed to forget?

It's too early to be angry at you. I wish I was. I want to speed up the process and want to toss your everything out the window, I want to break everything we had so that I can forget about it and move on. I want to be angry with you, I want to hit you, I want to hurt you; I'm just so fucking tired... I want nothing but to sleep, but I can't; I just stare into the ceiling, my eyes are just swelling again; I'm taking 1AM walks along the beach cause I can't sleep...

I want to be angry, cause I just can't stand being this way, I can't be this helpless, it's just not me. I can't walk around with this weight on my heart, I don't know how to do it, I don't know how to carry it, how to tear it. I can't cry anymore, I can't pretend I want to learn how to crochet, I can't get short of breath when I'm reminded of you; I can't want to drop by your place just to get my keys just so that I can see you one more time, just to know you're still there, you're still living and breathing and that maybe I could touch you and maybe you could hug me and just maybe... everything would go away like it always would.

How do I forget?

You said I shouldn't let this get to me too badly, I should think of other things, how do I do that? Could you tell?

How can we still be there for eachother?

How can I still call you when I'm falling apart, when losing you is what got me here? How will you comfort me when I will break by just hearing your voice? In what perfect universe does that work? And why do I still want it to?

Hur kan allting bara vara... ingenting?