Chocolate Muffins

As long as I don't think, it's okay. Think about you, that is. As long as I'm pondering life's eternal questions, taking care of the darkest parts of my life and ignoring the rest, as long as I stay the night at friends' houses and stay up all night talking. As long as I'm numb from booze, worn out by work, by chores. As long as I work on my site promotion, as long as I imagine I'm really Woven, as long as I imagine writing can take away everything.
As long as I pretend, it's okay.
Queen sang "the show must go on". I listened and wondered about Freddie Mercury's life. I remembered the time we were in the car together and talking about the same thing, and you told me things I never knew.
I remember that when I said I loved you - I meant it.
For all my life when I've said that, I've never, ever meant it, not in this way. Because you were special. We were. Or so I thought.
I remember us laughing, I remember where you were ticklish, I remember this song was really yours. I remember how you looked in your battered leather jacket, and your black shoes, like you were a gunslinger walking up that road to the house at Dad's 50th birthday party.
I remember how good you always smelled. How you found me a little weird when I wanted to smell you. I remember everything that was good about you, and your little habits that you had sometimes, like always choosing clothes for ages, trying to decide. I remember how well you took care of your dishes, how you always made my bed if I had to leave early for work. I remember when you left the recipe for chocolate muffins by my teddy bear, and I didn't notice it until you told me, and how we laughed about that... I remember we used to play Lego Batman and you would always play as Batman and I would always play as Robin and we'd laugh at the sound of his metal shoes
I remember when we took a drive in your Pontiac, your darling
I remember how we used to talk about our money problems and we'd always try to sort things out
I remember us hanging out with my sis and with Hef and that it was all so troubleless
I remember that you always noticed what I was wearing and you could say what I had on at almost any occasion
...except for that shirt dress that you hated and that you snuck away so that I wouldn't find it, you thought it looked like a tent and how I loved that very dress
I remember that I wanted to stop and look at the stars while walking home and you wanted to hurry up because you were freezing
I remember that even though you weren't into writing at all you spent hours trying to find me a new publisher when my old one turned out to be a scam
I remember that you made me a CD with your favorite Beatles songs and I loved every one and I remember how we were watching that movie about them and I fell asleep in it and we never finished watching
I remember how when I thought about you it made my stomach jolt a bit every time even when we had known eachother for months
I remember that I had to hold back not to say I loved you every time I saw you, maybe it was what scared you away
I remember that when calling you there always seemed to be animals on the road and it became a thing I associated with you
I remember you, I remember me, I remember us, I remember everything,
and nothing really matters does it
Nothing really matters to you
And as long as I don't think about all this I'm okay
But I can't stop remembering
I can't stop thinking
And I'm not okay at all
POET in the BLUNT JAR