The Radio That Rocked

I'm not your average perfect citizen. I don't live up to people's expectations, not even my own. I do my job carelessly, I fight my tears while I do and sometimes I lose. Lately more often than before. I can't maintain a professional aura, I can't leave that chocolate bar be, I'm cleptomaniac, I collect things that aren't mine and every time I borrow something I'm unable to return it until months later. I can't maintain a perfect life, cooking, cleaning; I skip meals and have chocolates instead, I fall asleep while driving, but lie awake at night. I'm a worked out junkie and a drunkie too, I can't cope, I can't do the everyday life. Like Rockstar told me yesterday. While he's always so... neat. Always does things on time. His home is always clean and he washes clothes and dishes and goes to work and does his errands... I don't know how he does it. How is it possible to keep that up so consistently? Why can't I? Why can't I do good for more than a few weeks, a few months, before inevitably I crash again and start to misbehave?
I've always been the happiest when the everyday life isn't the everyday life. When I'm someplace else, doing other things. Or when Nanowrimo turns my life upside-down because of a silly hunt for word count every November. Will I never sort this out? Will I never be able to be happy where I am, see the small things in life?
Anyway, there'd be no point in it, would it. We can read a thousand self-help guides to make ourselves feel better, to "bring out the best" in you or come to terms with our lives, but what does it really do for us? It doesn't make anything better. But it makes you forget that you're just one of billions of people in the world who are just like you, with thoughts, and feelings, and entire lives, just like you; and you get dizzy just by thinking. We aren't really unique. We are all just cogs in the system, and the system isn't meant for people like you and me. We serve the greater purpose. We are slaves. We will live our entire lives working for other people, trying to fit into a context that we didn't decide ourselves, unable to live the way we want because we're always, in the end, restricted. By money, by laws, by society. Freedom? Are we really free? Only because we are in a different place than many countries?
We are not free. We can say what we want and write what we want, because the people who are in charge of things realized that makes us think we are. It makes us happier to be let to dream, even if we are never allowed to live those dreams out.
One of Mum's favorite slogans is that "It doesn't get any better than this". Just accept our lot in life and live with it, and everyone who can't (like me) are weak. I am the black sheep of my family, in that respect. But surprisingly many share her view - why? Have they given up on ever getting close to something they desire and strive for? Have they decided there'll always be those who are worse off than they are? Maybe they know how hopeless their dreams are, and let them be because of that, because they would only get disappointed in the end anyway.
What kind of attitude is that? What we never fight for, we'll never get; but if we never try we sure as hell aint gonna get anywhere. And we'll have ourselves to blame for giving up, even if it's so much more convenient to blame it on everyone else, on everything else.
I don't want things to be impossible. I want to get into my bubble world, where everything is different from here. Some place I imagine inside my head that I fell in love with when I was young and naive. A place that when hardened by life and by bad experiences only seemed more intriguing, and more worth the fight.
We live in an undefined era. Our generation can't brag with having The Beatles, Woodstock, the first cars or the moon landing. We have the internet. We have ignorance. We have an entire people more interested in scandal, sex, and violence than they are in politics or humanitarian work. We have a built-in laziness unlike the generation before us, working 50 years in the same place before retiring and then living on a lousy ass pension. We all want to be special, but prefer the comfy couch at home watching mindless entertainment on TV waiting for the big opportunities to change our lives to come jumping into our laps.
I try to make my own era. What these years mean to me. And right now what saves me in doing that is rock radio station Bandit Rock 105.7. I imagine it's like The Boat That Rocked, where the music changes everything, where it means everything. Today the stations drown out eachother, and no one is broadcasting from sinking ships; but all in all, isn't it the same? That station saves my day, reading my mind to see what song to play next. They play the classic songs and the new songs. They play everything that's rock and everything that touches on the genre. They're genuine. They feel real. And moreover, they have a slogan that goes "We play what we want", which is the only slogan that ever felt real and meaningful to me on all the different channels. Sure, they have a lot of the same songs going over and over. They are probably bribed by the greedy music companies as all other stations are, and sure, they have just as many commercial breaks. But I don't give a shit. This station plays my music. This station has done a lot for me. And even if I'll always be one of their anonymous listeners, I'd come saving them on a rescue boat in the Northern Sea any day now.
POET in the GLASS JAR
With her usual angry style while awkwardly fragile
Beat it if you can't take it