Don't I longingly speak of you
Glorifying you after you died
I make you swirl with butterflies
And place you in the sunlight
Where you never actually were
Don't I somehow miss having you
Although you chained me down
You opened my veins and let me out
You became my channel for despair
The only way to create the great art
Is there something hollow in my words now
Now that you're no longer my driving force
Don't I admit that it's different now
Doesn't that make any difference
I tried in every way to kill you
While simultaneously clinging on to your presence
Every ounce of you, of your darkness
While I fought you, I would have died
I would have been burned by all the false lights
The lights they turned on me in mutual understanding
Didn't I live, even with my burned skin and my scars
Didn't I prove them wrong, didn't I try
Wasn't for once the solution to grasp desperation
I never asked for anyone to cure me
To lure me in, make me adjust to their standards
Provide me with their only answer, to conform
Do what was expected of me, forget the ghosts
They didn't see that they were killing me
Don't I longingly speak of you
Sometimes, when everything seems hollow
And I almost tip over, almost summon you to life
Just to make my whispers live again
I was only driven towards my fading dreams because of you
You were the only thing that kept me from drowning
Even though I was in your stranglehold
You were the only thing that made me struggle through
I wish I'll never find myself in need of you, again
But I'll be the first one to admit it's empty without you
And some of that fire that burned me, that drove me on
Is now gone
Don't I longingly speak of you
Glorifying you after you died
As so often happens
I owe my life and creation to you
And so I'll always hate you, but love you, too
Just because my whispers are emptier now
And the old desperation is forced by my own hand
Instead of forged by you and planted in my head
Maybe it's the same
Some would say it was
But it doesn't feel the same
It doesn't feel the same
you know what this is? I'll tell you, it's a masterpiece.
ReplyDelete"Is there something hollow in my words now
Now that you're no longer my driving force"
"Don't I longingly speak of you
Sometimes, when everything seems hollow
And I almost tip over, almost summon you to life
Just to make my whispers live again"
"You were the only thing that made me struggle through
I wish I'll never find myself in need of you, again
But I'll be the first one to admit it's empty without you"
and many, many others. I love this one. beautiful. this is exactly why I keep following your blog. this is exactly why I look up to you. this is exactly why I write.
Wow, that comment sure makes me feel a whole lot more confident. It's supposed to somehow depict that I don't feel any power in my words anymore, not like I used to when I was driven on by depression, but apparently there is still some force to them. Hell. I'm practically blushing from what you just wrote.
ReplyDeleteyeah I understood that but you know, I can't tell any difference between the ones that are written in depression and the ones that are not. your poems are always sad and tragic but also powerful, meaningful. the world will someday learn your name and when that day comes, I'll be proud for being one of the first ones to see your work.
ReplyDeleteThat's such a compliment, you've no idea how much it means to have your support!
ReplyDeletehaha, I'm just saying what I'm thinking, is all. ^^
ReplyDelete