What do you say of a memory that you just can't be rid of? What do you do with it, when you've treated it in all sorts of ways and still it stays? Isn't it tiring that we can never entirely forget what's really better left forgotten? There is a belief some people have, that without your own particular path in life, without your own particular memories, you wouldn't be where you are today; and you would perhaps not appreciate the good if you never knew of the bad. But I'm not asking for redemption or complete bliss. I'm only asking that I could leave a part of my life that didn't go that well behind me, and let it be. I don't want sudden flashes, images, voices, sounds, that particular, special joke; those particular, special eyes; to attack me when I least expect. I simply wonder - would it be too much to ask to lock these memories up, store them somewhere safe; and only bring them out on rainy, sentimental days, when you conjure them by conscious effort. In my experience the answer's yes, that would be too much to ask. Seems that we humans are meant to be tormented by our past lives, regardless how well we live in the present. Or, which seems more likely perhaps, this is only the case for those like me, who tend to get too emotional over small things and who can't simply slap evil in the face and get on with their lives. And still I wouldn't change myself. Mostly because I spent too much trying to change, way back, in order to deal with these things; and it didn't work that time, and I doubt it would work now. I've come to the conclusion that over-emotional, over-thinking, over-sentimental people such as myself are deemed to be artists and that is that, story is over.
Any writer with self-respect has self-doubt. There's lots of that going around at the moment.
POET IN THE JAR
I know what you're talking about. My life has been pretty decent though, I shouldn't really complain. But I've still done things, seen things, experienced things I'd rather forget completely. Those things still keep me somewhat broken and bring me to tears, even if they're just small matters to other people. So I know what you mean. And I'm sorry I can't say anything else. But still, you're doing extremely well.
ReplyDeleteand yes, there's a lot of that going around.
I'm glad that you as an outside viewer think I am doing extremely well xD That sounds good, I'll adopt the thought.
ReplyDeleteWell, there's really no use in comparing your problems or old griefs with other people's. You can still only ever know what you know and feel how you feel. And a problem is always a problem, no matter how other people might view the same problem or as you put it, small thing.
Yes, for both of us. Why? I want to be rid of it so I can write my stories proper.
you're right, there's really not. but sometimes it helps you to see that small matters are still small even if they've grown huge in your own mind.
ReplyDeleteTrue, sometimes comparison is much needed, if nothing else as an eye-opener.
ReplyDelete