A Word Or A Feeling

Let's pretend I've grown out of disappointment
Let's pretend I'm too old to be naive
That I embrace the rational
Let's pretend that's me

Is disappointment a word or a feeling
Does it have meaning
Is it nothing but the bitter taste in your mouth
The taste of sour on your lips and on your tongue
Is it just the air going down your lungs
Every time you breathe
Just a little less air

Can you say your heart was painted by the feeling
From the inside and out, drowning in paint
Can you say you understand me
When I try to describe how I feel
Or are you just a portrait on the wall
Without thought or feeling at all

Did you smell those chrysant flowers
Did you smell the ocean waves
Did you ever expect more than the world
currently had on display for you
And did you see them,
when they tore it all away
Under your feet

Or did you read about disappointment in a dictionary
Was it explained to you in descriptive words
Did they show you pictures, and play you interviews
With everyone who had ever had the feeling
And do you remember what they said to you

Aren't they just whispers when they whisper from the dark
Aren't they just drifting sound that you interpret
Aren't they just screaming voices in your mind
When you try to silence them, every time
They resurface

I can't embrace what reason and rhyme tells me to believe
I only believe what I see and what I feel as real
When my heart burns and aches with pain,
born and raised in the disappointment game
My mind can tell it to quiet down and to control itself
My mind can even convince my heart that the mind is right
But I can't change what is felt in the heart
When logic and chaos crash together,
and fall apart

Let's pretend I've grown out of disappointment
It's a fun game, isn't it, built on lies
One of the games that every adult plays
A game that doesn't improve with time
Let's pretend I've embraced the rational
But I can't agree

That sense alone is enough
to silence me

The Death Of Dread

I don't remember my heart ever being this full of dread
Filled to the brim with plausible and impossible scenarios
I don't remember when I last felt this heavy
Like every step I took weighed me down
Like every streetlight I passed by
Provoked a chain reaction
And made me feel
every possible emotion

I don't remember when I felt relieved
Except for the times I escaped into my heart
and rearranged it to suit my temporary wishes
Rearranged it so I could pretend it was different
That everything was different

I don't remember when I last felt so small
Like all the buildings towered up around me
Making me insignificant, making me insufficient
I'm so small, in comparison to the sky
To the world
To everyone

I try so hard to convince myself nothing comes easy
And to live the the life you've always dreamed
Requires sacrifice
I try so hard
I'm good at giving advice to myself
Advice I never follow
Things are too comfortable
Too easy and simple
To change

What if things really were different
What would it matter to the world
It's far too busy to stop, and see me
And in the long run, what would I prefer
Fulfilling guidelines of the universe
that I never understood
Or following my heart
Even though it breaks me

Even though it breaks me
It won't break the world
I'll still live
I'll still be
Even when no one else
Can see me

They Always Fall Down

I can feel them burning, burning like fire in my eyes
I can't let them out, can't let them escape
I can't unleash the waterfall
and the waterfall always starts
with just one drop

If I succumb to them what happens to my anger
To my conviction that this was only to be expected
I'll only fall again, and become the sacrifice needed
To avoid confrontations and ill words
To feed my feeling of being safe
And cradled

but some things aren't worth what they cost to achieve

No, I can't let them fall, I can't
If only there was another way to channel them
If only I could send them back and pretend
they never burned in my eyes like fire
Pretend they never blurred my sight
But in the end they always fall
And there's only one way to fall
Down

They always fall down

Mindtricks

Have you ever tried to embrace the cause of your sadness
Holding it to your heart in a treacherous caress
The last time you can read eachother
The last time you'll live in bliss
In one last embrace
In one last kiss
Have you ever experienced this

You spun lies out of spoken words
And almost fell for your own deceit
Learning to mask yourself so skillfully
That everyone was fooled
Including me

I'll keep my own mindtricks at an arm's length away
Hoping I'll protect myself that way
I told myself I was making the right decisions
Keeping my own impulses at bay
Now I can't tell if I did it out of convenience
Or out of self-preservation
And cutting the bonds with desperation
Requires motivation


You spun lies out of spoken words
And almost fell for your own deceit
Learning to mask yourself so skillfully
That everyone was fooled
Including me

Could you teach me, please
How to look beyond the shortest moments
While keeping remembrance of myself
Of who I always wanted to be
Can you teach me, please
You seem to know

You spun lies out of spoken words
And almost fell for your own deceit
Learning to mask yourself so skillfully
That everyone was fooled
Including me

Why couldn't you hold up a mirror shard to me
Forcing me to face what stared back at me
Why couldn't you confront me with my monsters
Maybe that would have scared me back on track
Or at least raised my defenses, spurred me to attack

I spun lies out of spoken words
And almost fell for my own deceit
Learning to mask myself so skillfully
That everyone was fooled
Including me