It's 4 AM and I feel the spontaneous need to write down some of my thoughts. I came here looking to write some poetry, but while I'm waiting for that, I might as well go on... about other things. My current dilemma is that intellectually, I've never felt this at ease, never felt this challenged and stimulated. But emotionally, I've been living on a rollercoaster for the past few weeks, hell, even months, I haven't kept count. So much has happened for me in my private life. I've had a few revelations, at the least; and while risking sounding like an old and wise lady, I thought I'd just write them off my mind, to start off what I suspect might become a long (and partially coffee-fuelled) post.
I need to look at people when I talk to them. I look people in the eyes when I'm listening to what they're saying. I tend to look away and flicker with my eyes when they're not talking about anything interesting, and when I'm telling my own anecdotes. I've been told that if I look people in the eyes more when I talk, what I say will keep people's interest better.
I don't have to share my every little idea. My mind is constantly racing and I'm always coming up with and discarding new thoughts and ideas. Out of every ten ideas, maybe I'll follow up on one of them. It's not relevant for everyone to hear about the other nine.
I have gained some new-found respect. I've given a lot of thought lately to how I've been shaped and become who I am. I've re-established my respect for people around me, especially people in my family, who are the only ones who have been with me through all this time. I rediscovered the love I have for them, no matter what their flaws are. I have flaws too.
Bad people aren't necessarily bad people. I've lifted the lid off the jar to many things, people and events from my past recently. I've forced myself to remove the blindfold made of pain that I've kept on for so many years, and look to see what's behind it. With this new perspective, I can judge people in a new way. I think that people who have done bad or unfair things to me, aren't necessarily bad people. I think they were also shaped by the people around them, and perhaps bad and unfair things were made to them first. I don't mean to forgive more easily. Only to try and understand, that we're all people, after all, and we're all molded by who surrounds us.
I need to visit the outside world sometimes. This is an advice that is a little specifically for me (and others like me). I spend so much time inside my own head, thinking things over, or just drifting among memories, among thoughts. I'm rarely fully present in the present, so to speak; I'm always operating on another level of my mind at the same time. What I've found is that when I step outside of that world and consciously try to live in the present, to appreciate what surrounds me this very minute and to be fully aware of what's going on, I feel more alive. I feel relieved to come outside, where I can react to things that are actually happening, instead of what's going on inside my head. Being outside my mind is a bit straining because it requires conscious effort from my part, but it's also rewarding, and I'm trying to do it a bit more often. I'm not looking for enormous change. I'm just looking for small changes. Slowly improving my own existence in this world, and how to deal with myself.
I can't keep running from the voices. Before you label this as crazy, I'm of the notion that everyone has their inner voices; how they work might vary from person to person. But my inner voices (there's two of them) are always bickering. If they aren't bickering, they are usually completely absent. One of them spews out negative statements and comments, and the other tries to make the first one shut up. If I tried to listen to what these voices are really saying, I might be able to deal with them. I have to try and read between the lines.
These are all of the revelations that I've deemed important enough for me to spend further thought on. I'm doing a lot of thinking at the moment.
I'd like to talk about the intellectual aspect now, for a while.
I've been asked to take part of a few projects and running a few personal ones at the same time. One of these projects is being a student ambassadeur for the university during visitor's day. I did this last year as well, but this year I was asked to assist in the Motion Capture studio instead of showing visitors around; and it was really educational and fun to get a first insight into the workings of motion capture. I'm also part of a recently started project at the University which aims to recruit more women to the game industry (and to the education as such). We're hosting a couple of events over the next weeks that aim to draw interest to the programs and to games as such, among others a game night which I'll be responsible for. It feels good to be this involved in university business - it's fun, a good merit and a chance to do some networking, all at once.
As for the writing group I'm in, things are going alright. I've picked a book and a chapter for inspiration, and now I only need to write the text itself. I have a pretty clear image in my head of what it'll be, but if I know myself well enough I'll be writing it on the day before submission; not that it's really a problem. I work well under pressure.
Speaking of pressure, the second game project is coming up, starting on Tuesday. I'm really excited to work on a full 3D game for a span of ten weeks and really hope we'll be able to create an impressive and good-looking result. I'm hoping my ambition and level of hard work will be enough for me to make an imprint on the people I'll be working with, and to contribute to the final product.
And at last, we have our side project as I like to call it, the platform sidescroller I'm working on with a selected few. Things have been standing a little still, we're trying to learn some new software and haven't really developed the game further from there; but I'm in no rush. Tomorrow I'll be working on a rig and refreshing my rigging skills, hopefully that will inspire me to do some work on the platformer as well.
It's 04.48 now, and I think I'm gonna try and close my eyes now and get some sleep so I'm relatively rested tomorrow when I'm going to rig. I just wanted to get all of this out of my head and of my heart for the time being.
Long time no see,
POET ON THE SHIP IN THE JAR (NO, NOT A BOTTLE)
