Isn't that the ultimate truth for me right now, with all these thoughts whirling about in my head. What's new, you say, what's new about having a buzzing head, isn't that what the Poet in the Jar's all about? Well, you have a valid point there. But I'm thinking differently about things now, more heavily, trying to rationally argue with the voices inside. Trying to make rationality beat tradition, beat instinct. Not logic thinking... rational thinking, thinking that makes sense. Taking a problem and weighing its pros versus its cons, looking at it from afar instead of from right in the middle of it. Trying to think objectively. Maybe it doesn't sound as hard as I find it, hell, maybe to some people it isn't hard at all. But it's a slow and sometimes painstaking process, for me, and Poets of the Fall's words just... fit. Dollhouse world, a world of perfection, the truth I thought I could deduct by observing the world - thrown into disarray, into disassembly, into disorder; turning every conclusion upside-down, even the ones I had made about myself and about my past.
It's a strange feeling to wake up one day and decide to start looking at things differently... if that's even what happened. I can't really describe what happened. At one point I just looked at my past in a different light, and at everyone who had surrounded me up until that point. Things started to click into place. I wouldn't say questions were answered, it was more like questions were added. But now I could tell which questions mattered and which were less important. Which to try and answer and which to let be. And that can make a hell of a difference, to a pondering poet.
The past few days I've been thinking of a few things, trying to "solve" them in my head. The first major issue has been what should qualify as love, is it measureable, what happens when love falls out of society's norms, and does love really need to be physical? The other major issue has been whether you should trust your head more than your heart when they want two separate things, and how to balance your own life with the lives of others. How can you be a pioneer and an individual if doing so constantly pushes you out of the social context? Would you still go for the higher cause, or would you sooner or later long to be part of the herd? Tricky philosophical questions indeed.
Other than all my heavy mental workload, there isn't too much on my table right now. I'm staying at my cousin's house for the majority of the upcoming three weeks, my aunt got me a nice job at a home for the elderly. It's going alright, learning as I go, doing my best. I don't think they can expect miracles from a summer worker who's only staying three weeks. If they like me enough and I do a decent job, they might ask me to come back, though. I haven't really decided how I feel about that, that's for a later decision.
Oh, I don't know, I just want time to be frozen... frozen like a bubble in a moment from the past of my choosing, possibly December 2nd 2011... frozen there and forever. Untroubled. Safe. Complete.
And I wish friends didn't have to move so far away and that it didn't have to be so goddamn hard just missing them. I really feel like having a second family in your friends is the way to go, and if you've got a setup like that, count yourself lucky. And treasure every moment you get to spend with them, young and carefree.
I wish time didn't go by so fast. I swear time goes by faster for each year that passes. Soon I'll be a hundred years old, still having a go at the typewriter.
With that I bid you goodnight,
THE HUNDRED YEARS OLD
POET IN THE JAR
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For Dust And Memories