Disorder In The Cosmos

I wish everything didn't have to be about money. There are so many places I still wanna go, there's so many people I haven't met. I don't think people are meant to be unemployed. For every day that passes I feel more recluse and shut myself in my room so I won't have to talk to people. Friends come over and go again but I still feel lonely, lonely, lonely. I have the best partner anyone could ever ask for; so I'm not sure why I'm experiencing this heartbreak. I feel scared and alone and I long to go home. I miss the mountains and the rivers and the forest where I ran around on adventures as a child. I miss it so much sometimes, it feels like my heart is bleeding. I'm going there in a few weeks but it won't be the same. I'll miss my Loved One a little too much for my own liking. A lot of the time I forget that he is younger than me, he's so mature and reasonable, I love him for that. But sometimes I just feel like I'm growing old while he isn't, as if the distance of time between us is an untrespassable gap that will lead to our demise. My thoughts of doom and the ending of the world are increasing lately. I think about dying and what ways would be the worst or the best. I think about what'll happen when the universe collapses, when none of us will still be here. I think that I can't handle thinking of all these things, but if there's one thing I hold on to even while going through a creative stalemate, it's thinking about the mysteries of life. The universe and the cosmos is one of those, right? One of those mysteries that you can conceptually understand, but when actually imagining it happening... that's when your mind really runs free and roams wild, out of your control. Isn't that so?

It feels typical of me to begin thinking about the cosmos with a mention of money. But hey, money makes the world go round. And that's the main part I hate about it.

I really miss having my own place, my own apartment, where I can have everything in my way and where I can be safe and alone, or invite people as I wish and nobody would have any say about it. I miss being an independent spirit. I don't know how much longer I can take living the way we do, we just don't have the privacy needed to lead a serious and adult life. My time with Loved One feels as though it's borrowed, and as if I had stolen it. It can't be allowed to exist in a more permanent form, or I would be struck out of the deal, and all of our time just taken away. It's possible that it's surreal to think this way, but come on. We're all going to die eventually, my problem is just that I can't seem to stop obsessing over when and how. I'm terrified of dying. Probably because I don't believe in being reborn or there being an afterlife. It makes it feel as though I have to really LIVE every moment that I have the chance to and really spend it while I can. But still day after day passes and I've never been more passive. All I want to do is submerge myself in games or films and I don't want to have to be subjected to the real world. I want to work, but I've given up on finding any job. Even if I got something I would be too angsty to enjoy it and I would end up screwing it for myself much as I have done at every job, I've ever had. This is saddening, and I feel like a complete failure. It's not as easy as it used to be to just snap out of it and force myself to do this or that. Nowadays when I'm sad I'm mind-numbing sad. When I'm restless I am so restless I can't sit down or be still for a second. When I'm angry, I throw things and yell. I'm so unbalanced. People think they know me, people think they know what signs to look for in someone depressed. When I let my feelings take over this fully, then know, I'm deep down, and deeply troubled. But no one seems to bother. Since there are no particular outer factors to point out, I must be fine, right? Those people must never have struggled with their inner worlds.

Why can't I just get help? Was I so wrong to ask for it?

POET IN THE JAR