Eye Condition

Do you remember what it was like
When you were younger and less apathic
Before everything gradually lost color
Before things seemed so fleeting
And meaningless

Do you remember that you were stained
By age and by the same repeating days
That you slowly forgot how to breathe

Do you remember that you put up with things
And that you weren't always like this
That you'd do everything you hated
Lacking any other choice
While waiting for another life
That existed in your dreams

Do you remember how anxious you were
At the end of every dull day
You never claimed to be a genious
But nothing new would ever happen
And you grew tired of when things repeated themselves
When the tired old faces never changed

Do you remember how a few simple things made you last
Like scribbling words and listening to the saddest songs
Do you remember that opening your eyes took the greatest effort
And that once you'd opened them you wouldn't close them again
Afraid you might die while sleeping and unaware
Afraid that you'd die before loving to live

Do you remember how you fleed to pain
That the sensation made you alive again
It's true that it was temporary
But it was better than the angst
And it led your thoughts away

Did you forget what it was like
At the darkest and furthest edge of the world
Not necessarily real other than in your mind
But your thoughts was all you knew as truth
And you were tired of lying
Tired of the world's charades

Do you remember what it was like
When you had to put a mask on to the world
And did you notice that there's still flecks of it on your skin
To cover half your face and one of your eyes

Do you remember that no one seemed to understand
And that you wouldn't let anyone close enough to try
It was easier that way, or so it seemed
So it seemed to the voices in your mind

And now it's invisible for anyone who glances at you
At first sight you seem to be undamaged
Some might even say you were at ease with life
Some might even say you seem to love life

You've tried to wash the remaining flecks from your face
And you've tried to see clearly with only one eye
Imagining everyone else was blind
You might improve your current condition
And some might even say you were close to perfection

But those few flecks will always stay
And some old things will never change
You just sort them from the newer ones
With the sense of priority you recently acquired
Label them as unimportant to the present
And try to learn how to love life again

Just trying to be alive again

Solutions

How can you be sure you're the one who's mad
Just because you happen to see things differently
When everything's shrouded in clouds of white light
Woven in silk strings and stained golden doorknobs
And the voices from your home whisper to you
From the chimney and the windows and the doors
That all you need to do is run away
Run away to the final solution

Did you see any visions before you knew they were there
Before you were told you weren't allowed to dream
And you weren't allowed to weave yourself a world
Where everything still existed the way it was
You weren't allowed to imagine things differently

How can you be sure you're the one who's mad
Only because your life was shattered once
And the pieces became your safe place,
the place you lived in inside your mind
And every now and then you pick out a shard
And return to it in your heart
Where everything replays like old footage
Except you always know what'll happen

Did you mourn death or did you long for it
As the claws struck down on you
And you were enclosed in the jar
Were you aware of yourself when you were hit
And your sanity left the back door ajar

How can you be sure you're the one who's mad
When you weren't the one to label your mind
And you'll never be able to fully compare
The only thoughts and emotions you'll know
Will always be your own

How can you be sure you're the one who's mad?

POET IN THE JAR
A piece inspired by Chasing Ella, my current novelling project

Alteration

Every word feels like it's already been spoken
And every time I redecorate it looks the same
I'm so keen to try and keep up with alteration
That some things never seem to change
Is this a paradox?
Perhaps

Perhaps it is

I feel like I've been to every place there is
And I know what you'll say before you do
I know we'll soon fall into old routines
How passionately I'll fight with you
Is this a paradox?
Perhaps

Perhaps it is

I'm independent, dependent on you
And I forgot how to fall asleep alone
I'm in a trance, while dancing with you
The confusion is exclusively my own
My own

Are there really little things worthwhile
Does it really matter how I spend my time?
I chose all the meaningful, over the trivial
Still something is missing from my life
Is this a paradox?
Perhaps
Perhaps it is

I'm independent, dependent on you
And I forgot how to fall asleep alone
I'm in a trance, while dancing with you
The confusion is exclusively my own
My own

Do you think of things the way I do?
Which one of us thinks the most?
Will I ever be able to really read you?
Or will I never really know?

I'm independent, dependent on you
The way I always wanted things to be
So why this confusion, entirely my own
Did you also forget how to sleep alone?

I'm not saying anything is perfect
And I'm not saying I'm ready to let go
Or to be dependent
But maybe this time it'll be different
Maybe it'll all be different

And I could take a couple of steps
In the somewhat right direction

Maybe

The Game

I can foresee how you will twist your lies
And show up when you think you're the least expected
Sorry to disappoint you but I had already predicted it
And you've ceased to be as dark and intriguing
As you wanted everyone else to believe

Still every now and then you manage to stab me
With a lucky shot, that you aim at me in spite
Can't say why, when you were the one to deny
Everything that felt even the slightest right
Everything that had to do with me

It's as if you're the one who can't let go of things
When you never lifted a finger to stop it
And as if you just had to kick me one more time
While I was lying down from the force of your punches
I had a feeling you would, I had a couple of hunches

But seriously, isn't it time to give it up and let me heal
Haven't you dealt me enough bruises already
Did you know that last time gave me a concussion
Isn't it time to aim that anger of yours elsewhere to
You were worse to me than I ever was to you

Why is it so hard for you to tell when the game has gone overboard
When you're the only one still enjoying to play
And who said you could decide the game's every fucking rule
That the world would just abide by your every need
Excuse me if I don't pay you that heed

You should have taken me if you wanted me
Instead of standing idly by
And only yourself to blame
When I decided I was out of the game


So you're on your own now, just thought I'd tell
You can sit up late at night with your book of rules
And lose another friend by every morning when you wake
At this rate you'll have lost them all
Before you realize it's too late

Fireflies

You'd think that I'd learn at some point
And that I wouldn't pace back in my tracks
That I wouldn't turn down the same roads
You'd think I learned that,
At some point

What would I have told myself years ago
If I could send a message back through time
And would I care to listen, care to mind
Would it make me change anything
Or would I find myself tiring
And ignore my own advice

I always push it to the limit
I can never turn back in time
I have to chase the fireflies
Although they burn me with their light
I crave the bittersweet desire
To remind me that I'm still alive
I can't resist the heavenly fire
So burn me, burn me, til I die
My smoking, burning firefly

You'd think that I'd know at some point
Enough to not repeat my old mistakes
And not fall into the same traps and graves
You'd think I'd know that,
At some point

What excuses will I lay out to the future me
Will I say that I didn't see the signs
Though they were displayed in bolded lines
What words will I believe, to cover up for things
Mythomania, ensuring
I won't see through my lies


I always push it to the limit
I can never turn back in time
I have to chase the fireflies
Although they burn me with their light
I crave the bittersweet desire
To remind me that I'm still alive
I can't resist the heavenly fire
So burn me, burn me, til I die
My smoking, burning firefly

So maybe I was taught to be indifferent
And survive by aiding selfish needs
Never hope for the dawn
In case disappointment would come
So?

So maybe I was taught to live and pretend
And never be the one to be abandoned
It's better to attack than to defend
In case disappointment would come
So?


I always push it to the limit
I can never turn back in time
I have to chase the fireflies
Although they burn me with their light
I crave the bittersweet desire
To remind me that I'm still alive
I can't resist the heavenly fire
So burn me, burn me, til I die
My smoking, burning firefly

So maybe I wasn't taught like this, but differently
So?
Maybe I don't care how I was taught
Maybe I want to forget what made me
And maybe I want to chase the fireflies again
Just to see what'll happen in the end

I always push it to the limit
I can never turn back in time
I have to chase the fireflies
Although they burn me with their light
I crave the bittersweet desire
To remind me that I'm still alive
I can't resist the heavenly fire
So burn me, burn me, til I die
My smoking, burning firefly

POET IN THE JAR

Sculptures

Did you believe I was a written page
Ready to be read, laid out for your understanding
That you'd grasp everything right away
As if I was mathematics, as if I was formulas
That could be calculated
With all the rights and wrongs
That I possess

Did you believe I was entirely blank
And that anyone was free to sculpt me
From the block of marble
That I looked out through shiny eyes
That just had been made
I'm neither, I'm none
I'm half-created,
I'm half-done
And I can't predict myself
And I can't take care of myself
And I prefer myself when I'm decadent

And I prefer myself when I don't care

I can't go back and unwrite myself
Or unsculpt what was sculpted by others
When I didn't control my own world
And I can't predict what'll happen with the brush
With the typewriter and the ink
I can't predict what I'm going to feel or think

And you can't undo all your thoughts
All your words, all that you felt
That they cut your fingers while you knelt
So you should be exactly like me
And your story is as untouched
Most of it's a story to be

But you never begin on an empty page
And you never calculate it like mathematics
It's unpredictable, and unstable
And steered by many hands
At the rodder

And it's a flying ship in turbulence we crew
And it can sail through air and on the sea
Sometimes with, sometimes without you
Sometimes with, sometimes without me
And this rickety ship is life

And the serpent in the ocean is almost death
But only almost, with all the pretty gems it swallowed
Only almost, as it allows for our touch
Only almost, as we saw it die

Did you believe everything was mathematics
Did you believe that you were free from dreams
When I have seen you sleep
And you have the nightmares too
Even if you don't remember them
When you awake

POET IN THE JAR

Frozen Flower

I'm a little bit like a frozen flower
Requiring time and warmth to defrost
Waiting to open for the sun
Like a frozen flower
In the parking lot

I'm a little bit like a frozen flower
I'd rather you didn't pick me
With my roots intact
And plant me in a pot
On your window sill

I'm a little bit like a frozen flower
That always wanted to be a bird
I'd rather you tore me off at the stem
And let me drop from your balcony
And I'd pretend to fly
And be free

Exceptions

And when the frost ceases to be
It won't know what became of us
And the footprints we left in the grass
It won't remember you, or your dreams
And the things you've seen
What you and I have been

When the frost ceases to be
And turns into dew drops
It'll bleed under our feet, in the grass
And we'll see our faces in the dew
But it won't recognize me, or you

When the frost ceases to be
And the glittering pearls are silent
There is no sound when you walk
Across the grass
When the frost ceases to be
To make way for something new
It seems to forget me
But trust me

It doesn't make exceptions for you

Rorschach Test

These numbers on my hands
Do they say anything to you?
Or are they just markers
Reminders, like that little red string
Tied around your finger

And these letters, on my wrist
Is there a message somewhere
Hidden, that I failed to see
That used to mean something else to me
Are they still just letters?
Like written images in the wind

I really don't want to remember
Why did you have to remind me
And write these figures on my skin
I don't remember anything
Anything

What do these eyes tell you
They look different to me
In the glass of the mirror
And are these wings really wings
Or broken dreams
For decoration only

What did you want to symbolize
When you drew these lines
Can I paint them over
Will they bleach with time
For decoration, only

I really don't want to remember
Why did you have to remind me
And write these figures on my skin
I don't remember anything
Anything

What's that taste again
Taste of a falling heart
Falling in the darkness
But the darkness is just figures in ink
So many that they're sprayed together
Into one single rorschach test
What does it tell you
These numbers
These letters

Are they still just figures?

I now remember everything
Why did you have to remind me
And write these figures on my skin
Soaking me in my every sin
I remember everything
Everything

Sheesha

Doesn't all of it disappear
When the smoke parts from your lips
And forms circles in the air
With your fingers
Doesn't all of it go away?

When you become your own
More of a person you'd want to be
Nothing will trouble you
And you find yourself thinking deep thoughts
About life and yourself and everything

Although you can't put it in words to say
You know you found the answers
You were looking for
When the smoke parts from your lips
And the illusion is completed
The illusion that is the truth

Is it strange to long for another round
To pass the sheesha, from hand to hand
When it gives you a few hours of freedom
A few hours of liberation
To be carefree

Doesn't all of it go away?

And aren't you relieved?
So don't judge me
Until you've been me

Emotion In The Tea

What if I was exhausted and wanted to sleep
But my entire life would spin before my eyes
Keeping me awake, and turned into a lie
All the details that kept me alive

What if the pain sort of healed me
And the darkness lit my way
Would you understand me
Or would you step down again
And regret me, regret us

What if I used to have so much to give
So much love and so much heart
So beautifully painful, it tore me apart
And now I'm cut open for anyone's share

What happened to what was exclusively yours
When I needed you, and there was only emptiness
And there was a new kind of pain, that didn't heal
And a kind of darkness that I'd never felt

Smuggle emotion into my tea
The only way you'll get to me
I'm cut open and given away
But it'll never be the same
It'll never be the same

Drunken Conversation

What were you doing in my drunken conversation
Stirring me to tears that seemed completely irrelevant
To everyone else
I thought I told you I had shunned you out
And that you weren't welcome, inside my head
I thought I told you it would pass with time
And you wouldn't make these appearances
In my mind

What were you doing, interrupting my life
The one I always said I dreamed of
Maybe in my dreams it wasn't this decadent
But what is the difference

Except that you were a part of this dream once
And now you're only part of nightmares
And you made me lose faith in everything
And you made me suspicious towards everyone
And I can let them close but I can't let them catch me

What were you doing, with the drunken me
In my drunken conversation
I never asked for you to come.

Rain & Snow

It's like when the rain washes the snow away
And forgets when it used to sparkle in the night
And how it fell against the artificial light
There'll be no falling flakes anymore
When the rain comes,
When the rain comes

And I cherish the rain
And everything it takes away
Every bitter drop of pain
And I understand you
For embracing the gain
For standing still in the rain
I don't blame you

When you've rusted, will you remember me
That I never left my marks on you
Instead I unfroze and sugarcoated you
There'll be no one to have your back anymore
When the rain's done,
When the rain's done

And I cherish the rain
And everything it takes away
Every bitter drop of pain
And I understand you
For embracing the gain
For standing still in the rain
I don't blame you

But when you look out through your window pane
And let your fingers trickle with the rain
When you've seen the sun hit the drops and then
Create a rainbow
Remember that once, it used to snow
We used to snow

Purple Sky

When did lightning strike
Down from the purple sky
When was I electrified
When did all my honest words
Become bubbles and secrets
When was I driven to hide

Away from the world
And shielded and safe
Detached from things
Cradled to sleep
Cradled by the void
 

When did I hear thunder
And when did the storms stir
When did I cross these plains
To no man's land
Building castles,
Castles of sand

Away from the world
And shielded and safe
Detached from things
Cradled to sleep
Cradled by the void

I held a mirror to the world
To face my own reflection
What insights were there
That was me
What mirage was there
That was you
That was you

And then lightning struck
Down from the purple sky
And I was electrified
And I became a secret
That no one would ever know
Wastelands, wastelands
Where the wind will always blow

Away from the world
And away from the mirror
Away from the words
And I became a secret
And I drove myself to hide
Down, down, down
From the purple sky

Insomnia Child

We're supposed to be young
Breathtaking and immortal
So swift that we'd dissolve
Under touch
Angelic, flawless
Perfected
Blooming

The sun goes down, down
And colors the sky
Right before the stars appear
With all the questions about life
Every how and why
Every lie

Only you were the goddess
And my fingers trembled
Over your skin, your hair
What must you think of me
I'm not that young
I'm only mortal
As you can see

The sun goes down, down
And colors the sky
Right before the stars appear
With all the questions about life
Every how and why
Every lie

Don't you know that we're all sinners
We're all free and decadent minds
What good is insomnia
Except it bought me time
And still I'm sleepless again
And I've put you on the piedestal
Just like back then
I've made you divine, my friend

The sun goes down, down
And colors the sky
Right before the stars appear
With all the questions about life
Every how and why
Every lie

Am I still young if I'm aged in mind
Am I still fearless when your fear is mine
When my trembling fingers no longer reach you
When you dissolve, under touch
So you were angelic, then
At least I know that much

The sun goes down, down
And colors the sky
Right before the stars appear
With all the questions about life
Every how and why
Every lie

The sun goes down, down
Insomnia child
Right with all the remaining fear
With all the questions about life
You will always be wild
You will always be a lie
And after all the truth is just a teaser

Midnight Walks

And taking midnight walks calms down the thoughts in your head, stirring and screaming as always; calms them down if only for a while. It smells of fallen leaves, smells of long days outdoors, smells of an innocence that went lost a long time ago. And you aim your old sneaker shoe at the piles of leaves and for a moment you remember what it was like, remember when the little things used to mean everything.
When the little things used to mean the world.
Nowadays it's dark when you are out, and you wander your routes to distract yourself from the feeling that the walls are closing in on you, that you will suffocate if you stay but a minute longer in this room. Nowadays you look up at the stars and you don't imagine space travel or different worlds with different life than here, you look up at the stars and you feel that you are meaningless. How everything is meaningless. Where in the picture does the little things come in? How can little things be meaningful? You gave meaning to all the details so you wouldn't have to look at the whole picture, where nothing mattered and where your entire life was molded by chance. How does that feel? Can you feel that knife of cold stabbing through your heart?
It smells like childhood, it smells like October, it's not yet full moon but you can see the brightest star of the sky and maybe, if you really tried, you could imagine it with orbits of planets surrounding it, planets and places and worlds where things were different from here, where maybe there were people who didn't fuck everything up, where maybe things were pretty much like here but at the same time pretty much fucking different. Even so, what would it matter when we'd never know of that world, never know of those places, and even if they existed they would mainly be a creation of your own mind, in order to tell yourself there are other worlds than these. Better worlds than these.
Maybe then you wouldn't find yourself where you don't want to be, maybe then you wouldn't get hurt, maybe then you wouldn't let yourself be used, maybe then you wouldn't be so decadent, maybe if there was a hope for something else, someplace else, someone else, then maybe.
Then maybe what?
There'll always be another maybe, another what-if, another if-only; and you'll keep backtracking your life without ever moving forward and you'll be scared of dying though you're aware you can't affect it. And every night you'll be sleepless, and every other night you'll go for another one of those walks, and every now and then you'll feel like the little things actually matter while other times it'll all be meaningless. And you will change like the seasons of the year, and still you'll always stay the same; cause everything you could never predict will make changes that never seem apparent to you while all the changes you wanted to make will be left alone and you'll swirl further down the spiral of decay, the spiral of decadence, the spiral of youth. One time things won't matter, two time things won't matter, you'll tell yourself you're only in it for the sex while all you wanted was to fall asleep in someone's arms without any demands. You'll tell yourself you only drink because you want to socialize and then you'll be looking at the stars alone over an emptied bottle of wine and you'll wonder why there's salt on your cheeks and why someone wiped the smile off your face. You'll quit smoking a thousand times and then still light one more up when you're standing on the balcony and trying to see if anyone else is awake, if anyone else is up at this hour, just so you could see a sign of life, just so you could feel you weren't the only one who couldn't sleep because you were fucking paranoid.
Does it still smell like childhood?
Does it still smell like long days outdoors building tree houses and drinking warm cocoa when you came back in?
Does it still smell like when you used to play in the woods and for once you could be who you wanted to be, you could forget about the bullies in school and that they teased you because you happened to like books; you could make yourself a makebelieve world and you could be anyone at all, anyone you wanted?
The thoughts in your head are calmed down if only for a while, and then they stir again; and then they scream to you louder than they ever did and speak to you in voices from your past. And you wonder if there was ever any innocence, even as you were young, even as you remember that time you fell down from the cliff in the forest and you fell down onto the sharp rocks below and the fall felt eternal and when you lay there you lost your breath and you saw stars, not the kind of stars you'd see in the sky but red and green stars dancing before your eyes, and everything seems to become darker even though it's in the bright of day, and you have no thoughts or feelings, just a numbness spreading through your body before it hits you that you were lucky, I'll be damned, you were lucky. And you're not bleeding, although tomorrow you will find bruises all over your body and feel like you had been pulled back from something close to death, something close to dying; words you'd never use to describe it then but that suddenly seem real and fucking true now that you think about it.
And you take midnight walks to shake it off, every bad decision you ever made, everyone who fucked with your head and everyone who broke through to you; everytime you took pills, everytime you took out the needle, everytime you ripped the skin off your lips until they bled, everytime you imagined you were happy while you knew you weren't, every time, every time, every time.
You take midnight walks and at least now it's in another place and at least this time there's someone to walk with you and at least this time you don't feel quite as lonely.
At least until the walls close in on you again.
POET IN THE JAR

In The End

It's all easy when you're thinking it over
And you talk it over, logically, sensibly
With the voices in your head
It's all easy, when it's in theory
Easy as can possibly be

Is it still true, the logic in your mind
When it's given you up,
Time after time
What is there to care about
What is there to find
It won't make a difference
Not in the end

In the long run, you think you've done yourself a favor
That you've analyzed things to break your fall
That knowing what'll happen will ease the pain
And by knowing what's been
It won't happen again
Will it matter in the end
When you never listened

Is it still true, the logic in your mind
When it's given you up,
Time after time
What is there to care about
What is there to find
It won't make a difference
Not in the end

It's not as easy as you made it out to be
Not everything can be broken down
And looked at, piece by piece
It's all fucking complicated
The way things are with me
And it has to shine through
Can't you see?
You've got it too

You can't tell yourself what's more true
Or tell yourself what you should want or need
When it comes down to it you'll still have forgotten
And you'll go against yourself again
Mistakes on repeat
Mistakes with me

If mistake is the word
If decadence doesn't cut it
If my mind can't win me over

The Kite Flyer

I keep them butterflies in a jar
In a glass jar with a solid lid
In a glass jar in a cupboard
In a cupboard that I lock
I pity them, in shock
They're parts of me
Them butterflies

Every now and then I let them stretch their wings
Let them flutter and discover things
Until they reach the end of the string
That's when I stop them
And reel them back in
I'm their kite flyer

I feed them butterflies from a vial
A glass vial with a glass cork
A glass vial on a velvet pillow
A pillow in a chest
Beating, at best
They're shards of me
Them butterflies

Every now and then they pull at their strings
Wanting to let go of things
Wanting to fly on fragile wings
That's when I stop them
And reel them back in
I'm their kite flyer

But occasionally it happens I'm not in control
I become the butterflies, become the tow
And disappear among the crows
Black, black wings
I'm the kite
Not the kite flyer
The kite flyer was a lie

What happens is I'm flown by you
And you're the one to pull my strings
Steer me away from everything
Everything I ever wanted to see
When I struggle the most to be free
That's when you reel me in
And put an end to me

I'm kept in your glass jar
In your cupboard
With the glass vial
On the velvet pillow
That's my drug
Vaporize me
I'll never fly
Pin me here already
I'll make it worth your while
I'm not the kite flyer
The kite flyer was a lie

Skeletons

What drives me to do this
To constantly change
Drift around sleepless
Wander about restless
To be uncertain about everything
To doubt why I laugh
To doubt why I cry
Who am I
Who am I

Surely you couldn't have done this
Surely it couldn't have gone that deep
What happened to me happens to them all
And would have disturbed anyone's sleep
It couldn't have been you
It should have been done to you

Why do I tell myself I left you behind
That everything's buried deep and forgotten
I've been told I'm not supposed to remember
I dug you down with the skeletons in my closet
Dug you down where the treasure was not
Now there's only bones
Where X marks the spot
I buried you inside my head
And grieved it all
Before you were dead

I'm not expected to believe in your ghost
Not supposed to let you haunt me, still
Most days go on without you
Until there's a shadow
On the window sill

Suddenly, you're there again
In every voice, every letter
Every scribbled word
Suddenly, you're there again
In my eyes and in my tears
In every song unsung
Unheard

What pushes me to drift like this
Surely it couldn't have been you
Surely you didn't cut me that deep
Surely they all told the truth
And my restlessness can't be blamed on you

In fact I never buried you
Although I grieved you many times
And not remembering would be a lie
But I no longer cherish you
Or see you as divine
It wasn't fate what you saw in me
It was chance that happened down the line
And I'll get better sooner or later
If not live then I'll at least survive
And we've got an appointment now
The world and I
So haunt me later
In a couple of years
When I can afford nostalgia
And a couple of tears
Who am I
Who am I
I'm restless
I'm sleepless

And you drove me to this

Damaged Goods

I can't say I'm sorry I hurt you first
When in the end, you hurt me worst
And now I'm damaged goods
This side up, it's labelled
Fragile, it says, on the box

I never wanted to be dependent on you
I'm a free bird, I wanted the world
Now I'm part of the cargo on a derailing train
That will crash in due time
Smashed against the rocks

Did my sins matter
When they were that small
They must have mattered enough for you
To condemn me
But no one's perfect
You were sinful yourself
Makebelieve angelic
Makebelieve free


I can't say that I'm sorry
Or wish we'd never met
That I didn't finish you
Is my one regret
I should have seen it coming
And defended myself with my life
Instead I let you torture me
And now I'm damaged goods

Smashed against the rocks
Damaged goods, in a fragile box