Cast Away

Childhood, you were my mainland,
and now I'm cast away.
Death was the waves that rode me here,
Illness what tore my sails.
Safe waters are no more to me.
Wild waters grieve and roar with me.
Innocence was my mainland,
and now I'm cast away.
_______________________________

Right, so it's out.
Out of my life, out of my mind, out of the tears we can't deny...
I feel so relieved having gotten it out of me. We spent a long time talking yesterday, Nikki and me. I wanna, but shouldn't, write about the details, so I won't. What matters is that we've agreed to see how things work if we move apart from eachother, and take it from there. Nikki says it's better that I told the truth than I go crying, without explaining why. Well, I've explained now. And at least I got it out of me. At least now we both know. We'll see. I dunno what's gonna happen now.
Friday night didn't end too well. I feel sorry for Jessi, cause I kinda think my gloomy mood was dragging her down a bit, I couldn't help it. I spoke to Elle in the bar. Yeah I know, it's kind of a cliché, haha. Anyway, after that I burst out of the place and Nikki came after me and I ruined my makeup and had to wipe it off on the inside of his shirt. I think it was one of his best shirts, too. Sorry 'bout that. That's what got me started. I thought if I don't tell him this now, I never will. I waited til yesterday. And Nikki's so good to me, he always listens to me, even when it's hard for me to say something. I'm so very fond of him.
You know, I couldn't really tell why, but it feels as if it's almost impossible to become myself again, long as I'm with someone. Not just Nikki, but anyone. It would be easier to find myself again if I had to do it on my own. Do it from scratch. But I dunno, let's see how this works out, maybe an apartment of my own is exactly what it would take for me to do it, find me, find myself. I dunno. Really dunno. I feel pretty happy about things now, though.
Haven't told Mum about all this. She's got too much to worry about as it is, and besides, she's already going mental on me for moving out, she thinks I'll break up with Nikki soon as I'm out, so with her it don't matter what I say. I just don't have the energy to face her with this kind of stuff, cause I know she'll start to fix things up and make plans for me and do stuff, and mostly she does more damage than she does good, even though she means well.
Oh God, I'm worried sick about my Mum. And there's nothing I can do. Why does it always have to be like this, why do people have to get sick? Why can't they just be, fine? And why doesn't time stop when they do...? Everything, things, just keep happening, keep going on, as if nothing's changed. But they have changed. I've changed, everyone's changed. I wanna go back to my past, when we were kids, when all you had to worry about was who to play with the next day. When illness was just something vague we still remembered from Carolina. And when death was still unreal, something absent, unknown.
Childhood, you were my mainland, and now I'm cast away.