Why does it always feel as if every time you're thinking you're doing allright, something strikes you down, sweeps your feet away, alters everything. Every time! A couple of days ago one of my best friends told me that I've become different than before, that I don't laugh as much, I aint crazy the way I used to be. That I've gone grey somehow. And the worst part is I kinda have to agree with her. I don't wanna live like this, like some ant in the stack working its ass off to please everyone else, to secure the survival of their kind.
It's my family we're talking about, they are my kind in blood and bonds, even though in other ways we are very different. I do all that I can for my family. Dad's still not well, so he don't have the energy to work full time, and Mum, she can't work at all any more. Caroline's fired and they can't afford to hire Mikael full time, only 75 percent. Before I knew this, I asked Mum for, let's see, four days off, so that I could recover slightly from the teaching job and spend some time with Nikki before he leaves. Apparently, that makes me a lazy, irresponsible imbecil, according to my sister, who suddenly has to come down from Stockholm to relieve my parents from work. How does that add up? No one even asked me to come to work before they called my sister. Course I would have done it, what else would I do? But obviously, my parents thought it best for me to rest, since I'm the lazy, irresponsible, egoistic daughter, and ask my sister to travel half across the country to fix things up. It just feels like I aint worth shit. No, let's ask Anchi instead, she probably needs a break from the big city life and the hard day's work of not doing shit. Come on, how many times haven't I been there, how many times didn't I do anything that you asked me?
Mum and Dad, you know I love you, but you've got to let me hate you for a while.
poet IN THE jar
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For Dust And Memories