Grey is the essence
of my absent belief
Grey are the nuances
of all my grief
Everything in grey colours
is how it used to be
But then the grey
grew stronger
somehow
And it's all been turned
to black
by now
I know how much I hated it
and still I want it back
Grey is at least endurable
compared to the intensity
of black
I see it all in black now
I see it all in black
And a hundred shades
of different greys
still beats the one tone
of black
____________________________
I felt I wanted to comment on these lyrics. Been a while since I did that. This song is a bit different from what I usually write, there's basically just one part that's the verse part and then we have the ending, which would count as it's refrain. After this the song simply repeats from the beginning. The text took form before the melody on this one. I was writing a poem while pondering over the emotions of one of my characters and it just struck me how it sound if it was sung. And that's how it was turned into lyrics instead. It's not exactly a masterpiece, but it captures a certain feeling very well, and spot on. The feeling of grief. You may have thought your life felt insignificant before, that it was all grey, and you never knew you could feel anything stronger. And then when grief hits you, it's as if all those grey things are like, multiplied by ten in power, and it takes form of the darkest darkness, the blackest of black, imaginable to the human mind.
A voice of grief. That is the origin of this piece.
Thank you for reading it through.
Monday, January 28
Patience, The Poet, Patience
Got the contract back today, countersigned by the contract administrator at the agency. Along with it were even more instructions on how to proceed from here... I think that if I read any more of it I'm gonna go goggle-eyed. But yeah, I got the gist of things thanks to all the long emails, so I'm not gonna complain. I sent my account info to the critique firm and still they haven't withdrew the modest amount from my bank account, but since there's just been a weekend I suppose I gotta give them a break. The letter with payment instructions said it might take up to four business days before you'll hear from them, and counting since Thursday it's only been three. Patience, the Poet, patience. If I aint heard nothing by tomorrow I'll resend the email.
We'll see what happens.
They say that you gotta be in it for the long run, since going via a normal publicist takes time, and I understand that. I've signed the contract running for a year, and I'm pretty confident I'll sign for another year once this one's done out, in case nothing has happened. No doubt, this agency has more benefits than any other I've been looking in to, and I'm not gonna let them down now that they have embraced me and my piece. Besides, if I was into my writing for the sake of having it published as soon as possible instead of for the story's sake, I wouldn't last long in the industry anyway. (Can't help but to imagine some happy scenarios in my head though, I admit.)
Wrote a few rows on the novel yesterday, but it went really slow. I guess I'm still too worked up about it (is that possible? I should have digested it by now) to really be able to throw myself into the novel again. Although that hasn't stopped me from thinking about it. I'm thinking about it all the time. Of what's gonna happen next, about how I'm gonna write it, about the characters, about the ending... it's constantly buzzing in my head. So why is it that none of that comes out when I'm sitting in front of the screen?
Dammit.
Tonight's the first lesson of my evening class, that'll be interesting. Feels weird to go all day doing nothing knowing you're going to school in the evening, haha.
Don't know what else to tell you, except that a little piece of lyrics are coming up after this post. Keep your eyes open.
Huggies for y'all.
We'll see what happens.
They say that you gotta be in it for the long run, since going via a normal publicist takes time, and I understand that. I've signed the contract running for a year, and I'm pretty confident I'll sign for another year once this one's done out, in case nothing has happened. No doubt, this agency has more benefits than any other I've been looking in to, and I'm not gonna let them down now that they have embraced me and my piece. Besides, if I was into my writing for the sake of having it published as soon as possible instead of for the story's sake, I wouldn't last long in the industry anyway. (Can't help but to imagine some happy scenarios in my head though, I admit.)
Wrote a few rows on the novel yesterday, but it went really slow. I guess I'm still too worked up about it (is that possible? I should have digested it by now) to really be able to throw myself into the novel again. Although that hasn't stopped me from thinking about it. I'm thinking about it all the time. Of what's gonna happen next, about how I'm gonna write it, about the characters, about the ending... it's constantly buzzing in my head. So why is it that none of that comes out when I'm sitting in front of the screen?
Dammit.
Tonight's the first lesson of my evening class, that'll be interesting. Feels weird to go all day doing nothing knowing you're going to school in the evening, haha.
Don't know what else to tell you, except that a little piece of lyrics are coming up after this post. Keep your eyes open.
Huggies for y'all.
Thursday, January 24
No Loopholes
Right, I thought I'd keep y'all updated with a quickie post before breakfast (don't judge me. I have the day off). Today I received the contract from the agency right into my inbox. I've had it signed electronically and returned it to sender, so now I'm waiting for a confirmation email. The contract looked really good, no loopholes, just logical. They get paid only if I get paid and so on. I also have the right to cancel the contract within 74 hours after I've sent it, or within 90 days if nothing has happened. (Yeah, likely that I will, now I finally got this far, but what the heck. Nice to know it's doable.) I also sent an email to a certain adress as instructed in the contract email, to get a referee for a formal critique. I've heard it been said that it won't take any more than a week to go through the critique once it's paid for, I hope that's true, cause I'm really curious what someone outside the project will have to say about it. A little anxious that it'll be totally dissected... but hey, they took me in, so there's gotta be some quality over it. I believe what I'll get back is foremost remarks on mechanics, like how to use quotation marks or stuff like that, and that should be easy to fix. Well, since they haven't got the ending included in the manuscript, maybe a remark on the somehow incomplete plot will also be made, ha, ha. Well, the agency says it doesn't really matter if the story's finished before you perform the critique, the tips and hints you get there will just help you to finish it. I hope they are right.
Standing by to see what happens next.
Right now I gotta get me something to eat!
Standing by to see what happens next.
Right now I gotta get me something to eat!
Tuesday, January 22
Sleeping Fortress
Well. This whole thing kinda reminds me of when I got the offer to come see this apartment. It was all the same circus, with me pondering what would happen if I should get it, what would happen if I shouldn't... and just the same way as now, I had a good feeling, I let myself hope for it, because I just sensed it was gonna work out. Even though the odds were very small.
All this, it's the same old thing, you know?
I sent it in... I told myself I wouldn't be accepted... and I was.
I really still can't believe that I got an agent!
Wow, this is gonna keep me happy for like ever.
I couldn't even sleep last night, I was way too worked up, I couldn't stop imagining how things are all gonna turn out... I can't believe they took me on, I can't believe they liked my story!
I was wondering yesterday whether this would make it easier or harder to finish the story, and I'm thinking it's gonna be easier. Nanowrimo made me really work hard, because I knew there was a goal with it, there was a purpose with it, you know? And since then, I've only written a few chapters, cause it kinda felt like it was already accomplished in a way, already done. But now, I have another goal to strive for, and I think it's gonna fuel me in my writing even more.
On to something else. We took a walk yesterday, and just happened to take a stroll up a hill nearby, and guess what happened? We found this wonderful, gorgeous place, the ruins of an old fortress that used to stand on that hill that has now been turned into a park. You can still see the wall at places and where the towers used to be, even though it's pretty much overgrown. They've made such a beautiful place up there it's hard for me to even describe it... it's terrific. I had no idea there was such a place in the middle of the city! Isn't that strange? I've lived here for almost, let's see... a year and a half? And I never even knew this place existed.
It was so beautiful... there were these great climbing trees all over the place, and a pond, and benches everywhere, and wherever you stood you could look out over the city all around... and just explore the paths leading in and out of the trees, explore the remains of the walls and the bunkers. So exciting! I'm gonna ask Grandma and Grandpa if they know what that place used to be, they've lived here much longer than I have and are like experts on local history. I'm really curious... I think I'm gonna go back there today.
We've had sunlight and a blue sky now two days in a row, and it's incredible what that does to your mood. I don't think we've had that much sun all winter. Or at least that's what it's felt like. It's almost as if spring is coming already. If it is, I will surely welcome it...
Well, gotta run down to the basement and do some laundry.
I still got my feet on solid ground, ha, ha.
I might drop in again when I'm done, cause I got a song in my head that needs to be published.
BLOWKISS to you all from POET in the JAR
All this, it's the same old thing, you know?
I sent it in... I told myself I wouldn't be accepted... and I was.
I really still can't believe that I got an agent!
Wow, this is gonna keep me happy for like ever.
I couldn't even sleep last night, I was way too worked up, I couldn't stop imagining how things are all gonna turn out... I can't believe they took me on, I can't believe they liked my story!
I was wondering yesterday whether this would make it easier or harder to finish the story, and I'm thinking it's gonna be easier. Nanowrimo made me really work hard, because I knew there was a goal with it, there was a purpose with it, you know? And since then, I've only written a few chapters, cause it kinda felt like it was already accomplished in a way, already done. But now, I have another goal to strive for, and I think it's gonna fuel me in my writing even more.
On to something else. We took a walk yesterday, and just happened to take a stroll up a hill nearby, and guess what happened? We found this wonderful, gorgeous place, the ruins of an old fortress that used to stand on that hill that has now been turned into a park. You can still see the wall at places and where the towers used to be, even though it's pretty much overgrown. They've made such a beautiful place up there it's hard for me to even describe it... it's terrific. I had no idea there was such a place in the middle of the city! Isn't that strange? I've lived here for almost, let's see... a year and a half? And I never even knew this place existed.
It was so beautiful... there were these great climbing trees all over the place, and a pond, and benches everywhere, and wherever you stood you could look out over the city all around... and just explore the paths leading in and out of the trees, explore the remains of the walls and the bunkers. So exciting! I'm gonna ask Grandma and Grandpa if they know what that place used to be, they've lived here much longer than I have and are like experts on local history. I'm really curious... I think I'm gonna go back there today.
We've had sunlight and a blue sky now two days in a row, and it's incredible what that does to your mood. I don't think we've had that much sun all winter. Or at least that's what it's felt like. It's almost as if spring is coming already. If it is, I will surely welcome it...
Well, gotta run down to the basement and do some laundry.
I still got my feet on solid ground, ha, ha.
I might drop in again when I'm done, cause I got a song in my head that needs to be published.
BLOWKISS to you all from POET in the JAR
Monday, January 21
Another Step!
I'm sitting here, in front of the screen, staring at an eagerly awaited email with the following opening words:
You realize what this is? Cause I've read this email surely twenty times today and I'm still struggling to understand it. Struggling to grasp what I've managed to pull off and how incredibly, bloody lucky I am to come this far with the very first agency I've been in contact with.
Oh my God, I'm jumping up and down right now!
I think I'm gonna walk around with a smile on my face for the rest of the week!
No, wait, for the rest of the month. All the way into summer!
You know, I never actually thought they would accept it, I mean I hoped they would, I just didn't believe it. I kinda braced myself for a no so that I wouldn't be disappointed if they didn't want to take it on... and still... I had a good feeling all along. I really believe in this story, and I can't even attempt to put in words how much it means to me that someone else believes in it too. That someone believes in it enough as to take it on and represent me, help me out. Can you imagine?
I pulled off Nanowrimo barely two months ago, already I am being embraced by an agency, if I'm lucky I will be published during the year. Can you believe that? That I might get published?
It's insane, I can hardly believe it!
It finally feels as if everything I've ever done with my writing is starting to pay off, that all the crap I've written before has all lead up to this. It's amazing, the feeling is just... undescribable.
Well, don't get too excited yet, there's still a long way to go. The agency's job is to find me a publisher that wants to buy my story, so being taken on by an agency is merely the first step. But come on! Still! It's so, I'm, I'm just so happy about it, all the blood, sweat and tears is finally taking me somewhere, and an agency, that is a very, very good start.
Next step is to reply to the agency that I'm willing to proceed. They will then send me the contract that I'm going to sign with them (only obligation is to stay with them for a year, they don't get any copyright or anything, merely getting to be my representatives), along with recommendations for good critics. Performing a critique of my novel is recommended so that the formalia and everything can meet or even exceed the set standards. I mean, for one thing, I'm not a native English speaker, so I always go along with the Swedish sort of punctuation and stuff like that. So, next step is, sign the contract with the agency, then send my manuscript to one of their critics for a review. When that critique comes back to me, I rewrite/finish the script, and resubmit it to the agency. When all that is finally done, they can start looking for a publisher that might be interested in the novel.
Phew, all that formal stuff aside, I'm still nervous and jumpy, the same weird way I usually become nervous after I found out about something or after something is over. Then I get nervous, instead of before. Strange behaviour? I don't know, maybe it is, maybe I'm just having a hard time grasping.
My wild imagination races ahead of me, picturing how the finished book will look in print, imagining my name on a published book, imagining that I might actually become an official writer. Imagining that I might actually become able to make some money out of it too. I can't help but admit it would be very welcome, ha, ha. No, seriously, it would take me one step closer to what my dream is - being able to become a full time writer and make a living out of it.
Isn't it amazing?
Oh, my, God. One step closer. Only a few more to go!
POP OPEN THE CHAMPAGNE, FELLAS, CAUSE THE POET'S GONNA CELEBRATE!
Thanks all you guys who stick in there for me!
"Thank you for everything that we have received from you thus far. Our review team believes that your work has commercial potential and we would like to proceed by offering to represent you.
We feel that your concept and writing thus far has potential and that if it is polished and presented properly, we can sell it."
We feel that your concept and writing thus far has potential and that if it is polished and presented properly, we can sell it."
You realize what this is? Cause I've read this email surely twenty times today and I'm still struggling to understand it. Struggling to grasp what I've managed to pull off and how incredibly, bloody lucky I am to come this far with the very first agency I've been in contact with.
Oh my God, I'm jumping up and down right now!
I think I'm gonna walk around with a smile on my face for the rest of the week!
No, wait, for the rest of the month. All the way into summer!
You know, I never actually thought they would accept it, I mean I hoped they would, I just didn't believe it. I kinda braced myself for a no so that I wouldn't be disappointed if they didn't want to take it on... and still... I had a good feeling all along. I really believe in this story, and I can't even attempt to put in words how much it means to me that someone else believes in it too. That someone believes in it enough as to take it on and represent me, help me out. Can you imagine?
I pulled off Nanowrimo barely two months ago, already I am being embraced by an agency, if I'm lucky I will be published during the year. Can you believe that? That I might get published?
It's insane, I can hardly believe it!
It finally feels as if everything I've ever done with my writing is starting to pay off, that all the crap I've written before has all lead up to this. It's amazing, the feeling is just... undescribable.
Well, don't get too excited yet, there's still a long way to go. The agency's job is to find me a publisher that wants to buy my story, so being taken on by an agency is merely the first step. But come on! Still! It's so, I'm, I'm just so happy about it, all the blood, sweat and tears is finally taking me somewhere, and an agency, that is a very, very good start.
Next step is to reply to the agency that I'm willing to proceed. They will then send me the contract that I'm going to sign with them (only obligation is to stay with them for a year, they don't get any copyright or anything, merely getting to be my representatives), along with recommendations for good critics. Performing a critique of my novel is recommended so that the formalia and everything can meet or even exceed the set standards. I mean, for one thing, I'm not a native English speaker, so I always go along with the Swedish sort of punctuation and stuff like that. So, next step is, sign the contract with the agency, then send my manuscript to one of their critics for a review. When that critique comes back to me, I rewrite/finish the script, and resubmit it to the agency. When all that is finally done, they can start looking for a publisher that might be interested in the novel.
Phew, all that formal stuff aside, I'm still nervous and jumpy, the same weird way I usually become nervous after I found out about something or after something is over. Then I get nervous, instead of before. Strange behaviour? I don't know, maybe it is, maybe I'm just having a hard time grasping.
My wild imagination races ahead of me, picturing how the finished book will look in print, imagining my name on a published book, imagining that I might actually become an official writer. Imagining that I might actually become able to make some money out of it too. I can't help but admit it would be very welcome, ha, ha. No, seriously, it would take me one step closer to what my dream is - being able to become a full time writer and make a living out of it.
Isn't it amazing?
Oh, my, God. One step closer. Only a few more to go!
POP OPEN THE CHAMPAGNE, FELLAS, CAUSE THE POET'S GONNA CELEBRATE!
Thanks all you guys who stick in there for me!
Saturday, January 19
The Question
Why do we have to grow up?
Why do we have to become these responsible, adult, dreamless, boring people?
Why can't we just stay like we used to be, that way, innocent, never worrying, just playing, just enjoying the moment, enjoying the day. Enjoying life.
For the last few days I've really felt like a child again. Felt like everything's just good, just enjoyable, it's life, and it's good, you know?
The pessimist little voice in me tries to tell me I'm not gonna stay like this forever.
And I know that.
But that's not what it's about.
It's the question as to why can't we be like this all the time?
Why do we have to fix things?
Why do we have to take care of everything? Of everyone?
Sometimes I just feel as if the only thing I ever do is taking care of people. And I just want some time for my own. Take care of myself, you know?
Have my own stuff, have my own mess, have my own life, I don't want to share it all, I just wanna be me.
I'm sorry, but that's just me...
Why do we have to become these responsible, adult, dreamless, boring people?
Why can't we just stay like we used to be, that way, innocent, never worrying, just playing, just enjoying the moment, enjoying the day. Enjoying life.
For the last few days I've really felt like a child again. Felt like everything's just good, just enjoyable, it's life, and it's good, you know?
The pessimist little voice in me tries to tell me I'm not gonna stay like this forever.
And I know that.
But that's not what it's about.
It's the question as to why can't we be like this all the time?
Why do we have to fix things?
Why do we have to take care of everything? Of everyone?
Sometimes I just feel as if the only thing I ever do is taking care of people. And I just want some time for my own. Take care of myself, you know?
Have my own stuff, have my own mess, have my own life, I don't want to share it all, I just wanna be me.
I'm sorry, but that's just me...
Friday, January 18
Globetrotter?
Got off the phone with my sis for a couple of hours ago, with a fresh and nice idea in mind. So far, well, as far as my studies are concerned, I was planning to take this term within my programme and then do something completely else during the fall, maybe take a course in Creative Writing or something, something that was just fun, you know? Something that wasn't just for the sake of my "future" or for my "own good", just picking a course for fun and nothing else, I think I could afford doing that. So, anyway, what my sister proposed was kinda tempting. Well, she'd come up with the idea while I'd been struggling along with getting into the spring term courses. Which I now have been accepted to, by the way! As of today. They registered me despite my bad luck with retake timings and everything, and said it was perfectly allright to do the retakes during the spring. Phew! They really had me worried there for a while! I guess, even though I hardly believed so myself, that some of the staff at the school actually know me - us - by now, and that they know if we'll be able to make it out of pure instinct. I checked the spring schedules out, they're amazing! I don't think there was a single week where I studied more than two days and some weeks we don't even have lessons at all! Wohoo! Gee, with that slow pace and with so little to do in school other than just reading, I think this spring might even give me the opportunity to finish my book properly alongside with my studies. Cool, huh?
(trying not to think of the script)
Where were we? Oh well, my sis, yeah. She'd figured that if I didn't get into the spring's courses I could sign up for one of those free spots left in the courses at Stockholm University and study there for a term, or a couple of weeks. My sis just got the contract of her new place signed, so whenever I go to visit her up there, I'll be able to live with her. I think that would just be awesome. Well, since I did get in to the courses, and I really want to take them to keep my English going and everything, that's the plan for this spring. But when fall comes, I'll probably be spending a course or two at the Stockholm University.
I feel like a globetrotter already.
I mean, how good won't it look like on my resumé if it says I've spent a term studying in this country's capital? Besides, one step towards the capital (which, mind you, is like a five or six hours drive from here) is one step towards going abroad.
One step closer to heading out and away, to chase my dreams...
I think I'm gonna go really economical, you know, be cheap as hell and save in on everything, so that maybe in a year or so I'll be able to do that. Go abroad! Live abroad! Well, that last one might be a bit optimistic, but it's definitely what I'd like to do.
I haven't really discussed this idea with anyone yet, and nothing is really decided formally, but I can't help but like the idea. Sure. It's gonna be tough being away from everyone down here that I love so much... but it might just be me having the time of my life, too.
And have you thought about it this way? If I spend a few months in Stockholm I get a completely other insight into what it is like living in a big city than a few days would ever be able to give me. My sis could take me to all the best places and I could meet all her friends for once and it could all be so much fun. At least I'd be able to decide whether or not I'd like living in a place like that, haha.
I want to see the world... I want to do things for fun and for my own sake. After all, it's me that I'm going to spend the rest of my life with, that's what I always say, haha.
CHEERS!
PS By the way I gotta slip this into your notion, I've managed to get my hands on a copy of POTF's The Ultimate Fling and it just totally blew my mind away. Happy happy!
PS, Number Two It feels as though things are fixing themselves up as we go along. Both for my sis and for me. I'm happy that my life's so good right now!
Have the best of evenings ever!
(trying not to think of the script)
Where were we? Oh well, my sis, yeah. She'd figured that if I didn't get into the spring's courses I could sign up for one of those free spots left in the courses at Stockholm University and study there for a term, or a couple of weeks. My sis just got the contract of her new place signed, so whenever I go to visit her up there, I'll be able to live with her. I think that would just be awesome. Well, since I did get in to the courses, and I really want to take them to keep my English going and everything, that's the plan for this spring. But when fall comes, I'll probably be spending a course or two at the Stockholm University.
I feel like a globetrotter already.
I mean, how good won't it look like on my resumé if it says I've spent a term studying in this country's capital? Besides, one step towards the capital (which, mind you, is like a five or six hours drive from here) is one step towards going abroad.
One step closer to heading out and away, to chase my dreams...
I think I'm gonna go really economical, you know, be cheap as hell and save in on everything, so that maybe in a year or so I'll be able to do that. Go abroad! Live abroad! Well, that last one might be a bit optimistic, but it's definitely what I'd like to do.
I haven't really discussed this idea with anyone yet, and nothing is really decided formally, but I can't help but like the idea. Sure. It's gonna be tough being away from everyone down here that I love so much... but it might just be me having the time of my life, too.
And have you thought about it this way? If I spend a few months in Stockholm I get a completely other insight into what it is like living in a big city than a few days would ever be able to give me. My sis could take me to all the best places and I could meet all her friends for once and it could all be so much fun. At least I'd be able to decide whether or not I'd like living in a place like that, haha.
I want to see the world... I want to do things for fun and for my own sake. After all, it's me that I'm going to spend the rest of my life with, that's what I always say, haha.
CHEERS!
PS By the way I gotta slip this into your notion, I've managed to get my hands on a copy of POTF's The Ultimate Fling and it just totally blew my mind away. Happy happy!
PS, Number Two It feels as though things are fixing themselves up as we go along. Both for my sis and for me. I'm happy that my life's so good right now!
Have the best of evenings ever!
Thursday, January 17
Meaning Of Sweet
Sweet as your heart, sweet as your soul
Sweet as your life and all of your goals
Sweet as yourself, sweet as your hell
Meaning that sweet isn't tender at all
Taste on my tongue,
nowhere to run
Set me on fire,
the game has begun
Watching the flames
come and take me away
The salter the taste,
the quicker the pace
Sweet as your heart, sweet as your soul
Sweet as your life and all of your goals
Sweet as yourself, sweet as your hell
Meaning that sweet isn't tender at all
Taste on my lips,
bitter but sweet
As your fingertips
put their curse on me
Watching the rain
come drowning the flames
and taking my dreams
along down the drain
Sweet as your heart, sweet as your soul
Sweet as your life and all of your goals
Sweet as yourself, sweet as your hell
Meaning that sweet isn't tender at all
Taste of a life
that might have been ours
Only that teaser's
within our power
Only to taste
but never to eat
Going to haste,
we're going to waste
Sweet as your heart, sweet as your soul
Sweet as your life and all of your goals
Sweet as yourself, sweet as your hell
Meaning that sweet isn't tender at all
Sweet as your life and all of your goals
Sweet as yourself, sweet as your hell
Meaning that sweet isn't tender at all
Taste on my tongue,
nowhere to run
Set me on fire,
the game has begun
Watching the flames
come and take me away
The salter the taste,
the quicker the pace
Sweet as your heart, sweet as your soul
Sweet as your life and all of your goals
Sweet as yourself, sweet as your hell
Meaning that sweet isn't tender at all
Taste on my lips,
bitter but sweet
As your fingertips
put their curse on me
Watching the rain
come drowning the flames
and taking my dreams
along down the drain
Sweet as your heart, sweet as your soul
Sweet as your life and all of your goals
Sweet as yourself, sweet as your hell
Meaning that sweet isn't tender at all
Taste of a life
that might have been ours
Only that teaser's
within our power
Only to taste
but never to eat
Going to haste,
we're going to waste
Sweet as your heart, sweet as your soul
Sweet as your life and all of your goals
Sweet as yourself, sweet as your hell
Meaning that sweet isn't tender at all
Wednesday, January 16
In Exhange For A Dream
I cry.
So what?
Just cause all you other fellas have overdeveloped into emotionless, apathic vegetables that don't care about nothing. You don't care cause it's easier that way. Easier to tell yourself what you just saw on TV isn't real, it's fake, just horror stories, all for entertainment.
But I watch TV, and see some kid being heartbroken cause someone failed a promise to him, a promise to take him out of his situation, taking him out of being a child soldier.
And you know what? That someone, that what's-his-name, goes home, flies all the way back to America, and does what?
He drinks.
Drowns all his pain in booze.
I'm watching all this and I cry. Can't help it, the tears just come, they're just flowing down my cheeks like the river Kwai. And it's not because of that someone. Not because he was too busy obeying orders and drowning his poor judgeless self in liqour.
It's because of that kid.
I don't even like kids.
What is it then? What is it that is getting to me, getting to the Poet, too emotional, too caring for her own good? Too goddamn emo?
Well. It's the way his eyes fade and die. The way that tiny little flare of hope just flickers, and goes out, and that dawning comprehension sweeps in over his face. That he was just being used for better purposes. That most people don't know what a promise is. Don't know what a promise is worth.
He was, just... all he wanted, was to get out. Far out. That's all he wanted. That was his dream.
And they don't even tell him.
They throw him a couple of dollar bills for payment.
Dollars.
In exchange for a dream.
It's absurd.
The flare goes out in his eyes, and is replaced by another flare. Flare of hatred. Flare of heartbreaking disappointment. The image of that kid, just going wild, sobbing and screaming with his little broken and undignified voice, it just burnt into the inside of my eyelids, and I can't see anything but it.
I can't sleep.
He doesn't ask if that someone had lied.
He simply states it.
Sobbing... and screaming. Even though his voice is more like a whisper:
"You lied! You promised! You lied to me! You lied! Why did you lie? I hate you! I hate you, I hate you!"
And I cry.
That's what's the world like. All the time.
Grown-up people take away the young people's dreams.
When I was little, everyone loved what I wrote. Everyone thought I was a gifted child, wanted to see what I had written that day, everyone was curious, they encouraged me.
And when it was about time to start and become a little responsible in life, they took it away from me.
They took away my dream.
I don't wanna be like that little kid.
I don't wanna be deserted.
Left alone.
Without hopes, without faith, only tears, and anger, and hate.
Most of all I can't stop thinking about that kid.
That someone has nurtured his hatred for another solid decade.
And he's still there. Still out there. Left in the world, no one to care, no one to take him away.
I cry.
So what?
Just cause all you other fellas don't dare to.
So what?
Just cause all you other fellas have overdeveloped into emotionless, apathic vegetables that don't care about nothing. You don't care cause it's easier that way. Easier to tell yourself what you just saw on TV isn't real, it's fake, just horror stories, all for entertainment.
But I watch TV, and see some kid being heartbroken cause someone failed a promise to him, a promise to take him out of his situation, taking him out of being a child soldier.
And you know what? That someone, that what's-his-name, goes home, flies all the way back to America, and does what?
He drinks.
Drowns all his pain in booze.
I'm watching all this and I cry. Can't help it, the tears just come, they're just flowing down my cheeks like the river Kwai. And it's not because of that someone. Not because he was too busy obeying orders and drowning his poor judgeless self in liqour.
It's because of that kid.
I don't even like kids.
What is it then? What is it that is getting to me, getting to the Poet, too emotional, too caring for her own good? Too goddamn emo?
Well. It's the way his eyes fade and die. The way that tiny little flare of hope just flickers, and goes out, and that dawning comprehension sweeps in over his face. That he was just being used for better purposes. That most people don't know what a promise is. Don't know what a promise is worth.
He was, just... all he wanted, was to get out. Far out. That's all he wanted. That was his dream.
And they don't even tell him.
They throw him a couple of dollar bills for payment.
Dollars.
In exchange for a dream.
It's absurd.
The flare goes out in his eyes, and is replaced by another flare. Flare of hatred. Flare of heartbreaking disappointment. The image of that kid, just going wild, sobbing and screaming with his little broken and undignified voice, it just burnt into the inside of my eyelids, and I can't see anything but it.
I can't sleep.
He doesn't ask if that someone had lied.
He simply states it.
Sobbing... and screaming. Even though his voice is more like a whisper:
"You lied! You promised! You lied to me! You lied! Why did you lie? I hate you! I hate you, I hate you!"
And I cry.
That's what's the world like. All the time.
Grown-up people take away the young people's dreams.
When I was little, everyone loved what I wrote. Everyone thought I was a gifted child, wanted to see what I had written that day, everyone was curious, they encouraged me.
And when it was about time to start and become a little responsible in life, they took it away from me.
They took away my dream.
I don't wanna be like that little kid.
I don't wanna be deserted.
Left alone.
Without hopes, without faith, only tears, and anger, and hate.
Most of all I can't stop thinking about that kid.
That someone has nurtured his hatred for another solid decade.
And he's still there. Still out there. Left in the world, no one to care, no one to take him away.
I cry.
So what?
Just cause all you other fellas don't dare to.
Tuesday, January 15
Unheart Me
Scar me
Oh will you scar me
Take that knife and disarm me
That heart's gonna
Scar me
Unheart me
I wouldn't doubt
if the thought
of thinking too hard
would have knocked me out
I wouldn't pray
when my prayers are wasted
anyhow
Well, I'm standing before you now
Will you take me out?
Would you rid me of my heart,
I can do without
without it, without it...
Scar me
Oh will you scar me
Take that knife and disarm me
That heart's gonna
Scar me
Unheart me
I would have died
I would die
from my pains
if you hadn't come around
Better to live
feeling nothing
than die from explosions
in my mind
So take my emotions,
take them all and carve them out
without it, without it...
Scar me
Oh will you scar me
Take that knife and disarm me
That heart's gonna
Scar me
Unheart me
Please leave all your marks on me
Clear for everyone to see
Let them know my state of mind
Everyone crosses the same old line
Leave me battered, chop my feet
Unable to feel empathy
Let them know what wise men say
Go too close,
and you've gone away
Scar me
Oh will you scar me
Take that knife and disarm me
That heart's gonna
Scar me
Unheart me
Oh will you scar me
Take that knife and disarm me
That heart's gonna
Scar me
Unheart me
I wouldn't doubt
if the thought
of thinking too hard
would have knocked me out
I wouldn't pray
when my prayers are wasted
anyhow
Well, I'm standing before you now
Will you take me out?
Would you rid me of my heart,
I can do without
without it, without it...
Scar me
Oh will you scar me
Take that knife and disarm me
That heart's gonna
Scar me
Unheart me
I would have died
I would die
from my pains
if you hadn't come around
Better to live
feeling nothing
than die from explosions
in my mind
So take my emotions,
take them all and carve them out
without it, without it...
Scar me
Oh will you scar me
Take that knife and disarm me
That heart's gonna
Scar me
Unheart me
Please leave all your marks on me
Clear for everyone to see
Let them know my state of mind
Everyone crosses the same old line
Leave me battered, chop my feet
Unable to feel empathy
Let them know what wise men say
Go too close,
and you've gone away
Scar me
Oh will you scar me
Take that knife and disarm me
That heart's gonna
Scar me
Unheart me
Monday, January 14
Ten Days Time
I'm only poppin in to tell ya that I just sent the manuscript.
In ten days time, we'll know for sure what they think of it.
Oh my.
POET in the WRITER'S JAR
In ten days time, we'll know for sure what they think of it.
Oh my.
POET in the WRITER'S JAR
Sunday, January 13
Chasing Dreams
Hey peeps.
I just got out of bed and I got like a million things to do today. I gotta clean this place up - you know, believing a new nice place would make me clean better must have been a mistake by me. How is that? I really thought it would work out, ha, ha. Well, guess it's got a few reasons, I need more shelfs and places to put stuff and all, I got a few boxes that still are unpacked and you know. I'll just blame on that in combination with a lot of schoolwork and just an itsy bitsy little bit of laziness... ha, ha.
But that'll work out during the day/week/month/year... ha, ha... man I'm too tired for this...
Anyway! Well, second thing on the list, or should I say the first, since it's kinda prioritized pretty much higher over cleaning, is finishing my VFU assignment (schoolwork... write a thousand words on the topic of "what characterizes good assessment in teaching" - come on!). And then, when I've done all that, I just might sit down and look over my book.
By the end of the day, fellas, I'm sending my unfinished manuscript over to WL Writer's Agency for reviewing.
Oh my. Even though I know it's gonna take them maybe as much as up to ten days to go through it, it's like... oh my God, I'm so nervous about it. I haven't been able to sleep properly for like, days, just cause I'm all worked up about it. It doesn't matter if they're going to send it back to me with a "sorry, this aint commercially viable" tag attached to it or if they say it sucks like hell, this is still the furthest I've ever gotten in my pursue of writing that book, which has always been my dream...
And is it really that strange that chasing dreams makes you nervous?
Even though you have no idea how it's going to unfold?
Of course not.
Howdy, says POET in the JAR.
I just got out of bed and I got like a million things to do today. I gotta clean this place up - you know, believing a new nice place would make me clean better must have been a mistake by me. How is that? I really thought it would work out, ha, ha. Well, guess it's got a few reasons, I need more shelfs and places to put stuff and all, I got a few boxes that still are unpacked and you know. I'll just blame on that in combination with a lot of schoolwork and just an itsy bitsy little bit of laziness... ha, ha.
But that'll work out during the day/week/month/year... ha, ha... man I'm too tired for this...
Anyway! Well, second thing on the list, or should I say the first, since it's kinda prioritized pretty much higher over cleaning, is finishing my VFU assignment (schoolwork... write a thousand words on the topic of "what characterizes good assessment in teaching" - come on!). And then, when I've done all that, I just might sit down and look over my book.
By the end of the day, fellas, I'm sending my unfinished manuscript over to WL Writer's Agency for reviewing.
Oh my. Even though I know it's gonna take them maybe as much as up to ten days to go through it, it's like... oh my God, I'm so nervous about it. I haven't been able to sleep properly for like, days, just cause I'm all worked up about it. It doesn't matter if they're going to send it back to me with a "sorry, this aint commercially viable" tag attached to it or if they say it sucks like hell, this is still the furthest I've ever gotten in my pursue of writing that book, which has always been my dream...
And is it really that strange that chasing dreams makes you nervous?
Even though you have no idea how it's going to unfold?
Of course not.
Howdy, says POET in the JAR.
Friday, January 11
Little Reminder
Also!
Did you notice the New Year's Special?
Scroll down the page and let the Poet know which pieces were the best of 2007.
This time you're all allowed to vote for multiple alternatives.
The Poet just wants to know which ones stuck in your minds!
There are two categories, lyrics-wise and poem-wise, thought the competition might become a bit more, well, even that way.
The polls will not be closed until February, so take your time to look through all that really old stuff and see what you might have had the time to forget!
See you around!
Did you notice the New Year's Special?
Scroll down the page and let the Poet know which pieces were the best of 2007.
This time you're all allowed to vote for multiple alternatives.
The Poet just wants to know which ones stuck in your minds!
There are two categories, lyrics-wise and poem-wise, thought the competition might become a bit more, well, even that way.
The polls will not be closed until February, so take your time to look through all that really old stuff and see what you might have had the time to forget!
See you around!
One Small Step At A Time
Oh my God, I’m so excited I don’t know what to do with myself, and can you believe it? My internet just freaked out, so I’m writing this in Word, feels, weird, haha. I know maybe I shouldn’t get myself all worked up about it but I can’t help myself. If this goes all the way, if this thing works out, I’m gonna be the happiest person on Earth, I swear to God, or maybe I should swear to something I actually believe in… I’ll swear it on my own life!
I’ll be the happiest, most beaming, most thrilled and excited person in the whole wide world!
So, wanna guess what it’s all about? I think you can guess. I think you can make some really qualified guesses, too. I just don’t think you’re ever going to guess the exact thing.
Okay, I got it, I’m gonna calm down for a second, let you know what I’m all up to and everything.
Well, first of all, I wasn’t going to tell until I knew more, but I just can’t keep it a secret anymore, so I gotta let it out, even though nothing is sure yet, absolutely not. I shouldn’t say that anything is settled, I mean, they haven’t even looked at it yet; for Christ’s sake (ahum, my own life’s sake), I haven’t even finished it yet. But they said half-done, and they’d be willing to take a look at it, I mean, come on! That totally rocks!
Nothing at all is sure yet, but hell, I’m an optimist. Lemme tell you what I’m going all crazy about, and all you fellas out there who are all into writing will understand why I’m being so excited.
Allright. There’s this company in the US that deals with finding publicists for writers, even those who are previously unpublished – I mean real publicists, the traditional kind, the ones that take a look at your work and if they wanna publish it, they pay you! Not the self-publishing kind of thing, where you pay for it all by yourself and do fees and stuff and all that just to watch nobody buy your books and you end up having to buy them all yourself for an insane price. Not that kind. The old-fashioned kind. If successful, they get paid, and they get like ten percent of what you sell for.
Allright. (I’m saying it again and I’m aware of it. Gotta tie my clauses together, right?) Allright. So, I took the form on their site, writing a bit about myself and about my book, you know, the Nanowrimo one? Yeah. And I just got an e-mail back from them that they’d like to see my material for a review. If they like it and think it’s going to sell, they’ll help me finish and edit my writing, then find me a suitable publicist. Who knows how long it’s gonna take if it ever even goes that far, but still, it’s hell lot more than I can do on my own. Besides, I want my book published the way I wrote it, in English, you know?
Well, if they don’t think it’s good enough or that it’s not of any commercial value, they’ll let me know, and delete everything I ever sent to them so that I can seek my fortune someplace else.
You might be thinking all this sounds totally tallulah, but I’ve checked this company out thoroughly, and they seem to be very serious and have a nice reputation. They’ve been very professional to me this far, I really hope I’m not going to be scammed or anything, but hell, then at least I’d be taking my chances.
I can’t believe they’re interested in my work!
I never even thought I’d make it through the first, you know, filter or whatever. And here I am, staring at this email, and it just feels insane. In a good way, you know?
WARNING! THE POET IS ABOUT TO LET HERSELF DREAM FOR A WHILE!
Yeah, cause this is like, one of the top things that has happened to me lately. Let me just dream for a second, okay? Let me just dream, drift off into that imaginary cloud and picture how it would all be like, if I managed my way into the writer’s business. And this soon…! I’m just bloody 20 years old!
What if I actually got to publish my book…? And what’s even better, what if I actually got paid for publishing my book?
The idea is so wild and so great that I just wanna toss it down on the ground and stomp on it; that’s how much I already hate it, how badly I don’t wanna be let down.
Okay. So I think I know what they’re going to say. Or what I’m hoping they’ll say. That what I’ve written isn’t finished (of course) and that it needs to be extrapolished (of course! Haven’t even attempted to edit it yet!). But hopefully – hopefully – and there’s a little flare of hope and anticipation burning in there, in my chest somewhere – hopefully, they’ll say I’ve got potential. That would mean the world. That would mean everything in the whole world.
Even the fact that they’re going to read through my entire works, or at least a couple of chapters of it (but I think I’ll benefit out of sending all of it), and give me some sort of response for it, that’s great! That someone professional are willing to do that, I mean someone unpartial, someone from the outside, whose job it is to assess how good a piece of writing is.
Hahaha, I can’t help but laughing, but if – and just if – I mean, I know that I gotta be realistic about it – if this goes all the way, oh my God, then I know exactly what I’m gonna do.
I’m gonna head straight to my teacher’s office and rub it in his face that a student he failed on the English writing exam, apparently writes well enough to get herself published in the US.
Please, please be excited along with me…!
You’re the only one I’ve told this far except for my Ruby, who was very sceptical I think, so please, please be happy for me!
I’ve been through the first step, right? I filled out that form. And now I’m past that step. That’s one little step. Not much, right? And now all I gotta do is take the next step, right? All I gotta do is send them a copy of my writing, protecting my copyright of course… and answer two more questions they had in store for me… and then wait. Then there’s nothing more I can do before they get back in touch with me, which they said would take between 7-10 days after they receive it. Pretty quick huh?
And then, when they get back to me, we’ll just have to see what they say. But if I get past that step too, oh my God, then all I have to do is to write the last chapters of the book still unwritten, look over the whole thing and edit it like hell, and then that step too is taken care of. What if I ever get this far?
Wouldn’t it be amazing?
Please, please, will you all be happy for me?
I love you guys and thank you all for pushing me through Nanowrimo. Without you this would never have happened! YOU ROCK!!
Like, 1 764 646 976 484 843 hugs and kisses to ALL OF YOU from the POET
TRULY YOURS!!
Monday, January 7
Keeping Secrets
The things I tell you now
You'll keep to yourself
Won't you?
The secrets you know now
You'll put on that shelf
Won't you?
I trust you enough to confide in you,
To take all my feelings and hide in you,
The things I tell you now
You won't tell
Would you?
I may have a bad record
When it comes to keeping secrets
And still you trust me
Now don't you?
The things you tell me now
I'll keep to myself
Won't I?
The secrets I know now
I'll keep to myself
Won't I?
So please would you stay within my reach,
Stay where those ugly lies won't breach,
Where we'll keep secrets
To ourselves
Won't we?
You'll keep to yourself
Won't you?
The secrets you know now
You'll put on that shelf
Won't you?
I trust you enough to confide in you,
To take all my feelings and hide in you,
The things I tell you now
You won't tell
Would you?
I may have a bad record
When it comes to keeping secrets
And still you trust me
Now don't you?
The things you tell me now
I'll keep to myself
Won't I?
The secrets I know now
I'll keep to myself
Won't I?
So please would you stay within my reach,
Stay where those ugly lies won't breach,
Where we'll keep secrets
To ourselves
Won't we?
Promo Pic -08
Hey fellas!
Here's the promo pic for 2008, enjoy it and spread it to everyone you know!
LOVE, the POET
Snow And Nano
Here I am, talking to my sis on the phone while I'm dripping of water since I just got out of the bath, and what do I see? There's snow! Snow everywhere! Snow on my car, snow on the trees...! And do you have any idea what splendid view I have from my kitchen windows? It's so beautiful... this is really it, the reason why I can't help but love Sweden in the winter. Covered by that frosty snow... Wow. It's so beautiful, I can't even describe it. Although already I can see the rain clouds gathering, isn't that typical?
We get a little bit of snow that just melts away right after it's settled down, trying to redecorate the landscape. Guess God doesn't like the redecoration, ha, ha. Maybe he's not the white-walls-kind of guy?
Anyway, right now I'm being really excited about a prose project, concerning this year's Nano. Yeah I know I'm all hung up on it...! But this time it's not just me. Me and terrific prose writer The Raven decided the other day we were going to co-write this year's Nano together, and I think it's gonna turn out really awesome.
First I better finish 2007's... Well... I'm getting there.
Let me make a list as to how the day is going to look, and hopefully I'll get some time left over to do writing. Right?
Okay, so first of all I'm going to get dressed and have a bite to eat.
Secondly, do my hair.
Thirdly, do the dishes.
After that, my regular 15-minute apartment clean up, including throwing garbage out and making the bed and picking up laundry from the floor and so on.
And then, finally, finishing my 1,000 word report for school. I think it'll be easy. Like my motto nowadays is, write 1,666 words a day for one month and when you get an assignment to write a thousand words report? Feels like Jiggery-Pokery's coming out.
Allright!
Get all that done and I'm gonna disappear into my world of angels for a while.
THE POET iN THE jAR
We get a little bit of snow that just melts away right after it's settled down, trying to redecorate the landscape. Guess God doesn't like the redecoration, ha, ha. Maybe he's not the white-walls-kind of guy?
Anyway, right now I'm being really excited about a prose project, concerning this year's Nano. Yeah I know I'm all hung up on it...! But this time it's not just me. Me and terrific prose writer The Raven decided the other day we were going to co-write this year's Nano together, and I think it's gonna turn out really awesome.
First I better finish 2007's... Well... I'm getting there.
Let me make a list as to how the day is going to look, and hopefully I'll get some time left over to do writing. Right?
Okay, so first of all I'm going to get dressed and have a bite to eat.
Secondly, do my hair.
Thirdly, do the dishes.
After that, my regular 15-minute apartment clean up, including throwing garbage out and making the bed and picking up laundry from the floor and so on.
And then, finally, finishing my 1,000 word report for school. I think it'll be easy. Like my motto nowadays is, write 1,666 words a day for one month and when you get an assignment to write a thousand words report? Feels like Jiggery-Pokery's coming out.
Allright!
Get all that done and I'm gonna disappear into my world of angels for a while.
THE POET iN THE jAR
Saturday, January 5
That's How It Works
Don't you just love it when there're no right answers?
When you can just, like, think about stuff and consider all possible solutions or ways of looking at something, knowing there is no answer more correct than any other?
I mean, honestly, what do we really know about everything? We always act as if we were the wisest people, knowing everything about everything. There're shows on Discovery called stuff like "That's how it works" and there's a gigantic, economically thriving industry in making entertainment out of the correct. Like quiz shows. Jeopardy! and the like. What's with all that? Why do we imagine that we're so clever?
Just look at all kind of destruction mankind is responsible for.
Geez.
I'm gonna switch TV channels now.
When you can just, like, think about stuff and consider all possible solutions or ways of looking at something, knowing there is no answer more correct than any other?
I mean, honestly, what do we really know about everything? We always act as if we were the wisest people, knowing everything about everything. There're shows on Discovery called stuff like "That's how it works" and there's a gigantic, economically thriving industry in making entertainment out of the correct. Like quiz shows. Jeopardy! and the like. What's with all that? Why do we imagine that we're so clever?
Just look at all kind of destruction mankind is responsible for.
Geez.
I'm gonna switch TV channels now.
Wednesday, January 2
Firefly
Give me fireworks
and I won't enjoy them
Give me the stars
and I won't stay in their light
Give me everything
that shimmers in the sky
and I won't be as naive as to
swallow their shine
C'mon, give me fireworks
They'll do wonders to my soul
Just maybe they will work
just enough to make me whole
Give me your fireworks
I won't enjoy them
Give me your stars
I won't stay in their light
Always as fleeting
as a firefly
Always fleeting
Don't know why
and I won't enjoy them
Give me the stars
and I won't stay in their light
Give me everything
that shimmers in the sky
and I won't be as naive as to
swallow their shine
C'mon, give me fireworks
They'll do wonders to my soul
Just maybe they will work
just enough to make me whole
Give me your fireworks
I won't enjoy them
Give me your stars
I won't stay in their light
Always as fleeting
as a firefly
Always fleeting
Don't know why
Nails And Claws
Shit. Shit, shit, shit. I just got off the phone with Nisse. And you know what? Turns out we don't have any guarantee to get in to the C course, that we're planning to take this spring. And guess what? There are 50 appliants and only 32 open spots. And what do they go after first? If you've passed all the parts of the A and B course.
I still have two retakes to do. Both after the final application date. How the hell am I gonna round up those points in order to pass? It doesn't matter if I pass since the retakes are after the set application date.
This sucks. I'm placed as reserve number 10 on one of the subcourses and number 15 on the other one. There's no chance in hell they're gonna take me in.
And you know what bothers me the most?
Apart from the fact that no one whatsoever at the university has told us about all this and that it might be a good idea to have a backup plan?
It's just that I know I can do it. I know that I'm better than most of the students in my class. But since I assumed we were guaranteed a spot like the last two terms, I didn't study enough for one test.
It's so unfair!
I'm so dependent of my student's allowance! If I don't get in, I don't get student's allowance, meaning I'm not gonna be able to pay my bills and I'll be evicted from this dream apartment right after I've moved in.
How can they do this to us?
How could we possibly know that for the C course, there were different rules, than for the A and B course, if not a soul bothered to inform us?
I just feel like curling up in a corner and cry. I don't know what the hell to do. Even I am helpless in this situation.
I'll tell you something. I am so not going to give up my space for someone else. I deserve that space, I've worked so hard to get there, no way I'm gonna sit silently by and watch as they ruin my life.
I'm gonna fight for this with nails and claws.
I still have two retakes to do. Both after the final application date. How the hell am I gonna round up those points in order to pass? It doesn't matter if I pass since the retakes are after the set application date.
This sucks. I'm placed as reserve number 10 on one of the subcourses and number 15 on the other one. There's no chance in hell they're gonna take me in.
And you know what bothers me the most?
Apart from the fact that no one whatsoever at the university has told us about all this and that it might be a good idea to have a backup plan?
It's just that I know I can do it. I know that I'm better than most of the students in my class. But since I assumed we were guaranteed a spot like the last two terms, I didn't study enough for one test.
It's so unfair!
I'm so dependent of my student's allowance! If I don't get in, I don't get student's allowance, meaning I'm not gonna be able to pay my bills and I'll be evicted from this dream apartment right after I've moved in.
How can they do this to us?
How could we possibly know that for the C course, there were different rules, than for the A and B course, if not a soul bothered to inform us?
I just feel like curling up in a corner and cry. I don't know what the hell to do. Even I am helpless in this situation.
I'll tell you something. I am so not going to give up my space for someone else. I deserve that space, I've worked so hard to get there, no way I'm gonna sit silently by and watch as they ruin my life.
I'm gonna fight for this with nails and claws.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)