So. I'm up. As usual... trying to make some sense of the jumbled pieces of dreams and thoughts that as usually is swarming my mind. I don't know about life right now. I feel like I'm cut in pieces. Some of these pieces are just you know, better than ever, living their life, trying to reach out for some of those dreams... some of those goals I always wanted to reach. Others are just... well, let's just say that there are pieces of me who likes to go under the name of Killjoy. (Reference intended.) But heck. Why care? It'll all take care of itself eventually, I mean, hrm, I will...
I just wish I could step out of my dreaming and go where I always wanted to go, make that world for me that I always wanted to have. Damn the more I really try to stay on the surface the more I just falter and fall through, the more I just fall, the more I joke it away the more I'm starting to see all the obstacles, all the impossibilites, all the downs... it cuts deep wounds in my heart, and I have no other way to describe it, or why it would mean so much to me. But I just can't be happy with just living on the way others have decided that I should be doing, I just can't settle with doing what was "good enough" for people that are so different from me. I have to believe that I can chase my dreams. I have to believe I can jump to the stars and that somewhere there's just the dream place for me. Because if I can't have this faith I will fall for sure. I'll drown...
I've fought my battles and waged my wars, I've really worked hard to stay being this naive sort of person, the kind of person who doesn't give up on things, who takes things lightly, who jokes off the sinister things because they are outshone by the light... and all it seems to be doing is backfiring at me. I've gone through things but I've bounced back up. I've refused to admit that it's like my mother says, that life will only be a disappointment on you, so it's better not hoping...
Let me live on my hope. Let it be that bright spark that gets me through the day. It really is all about what we do to help us stay alive...
And you know what? All of this only causes me to fight harder. I'm gonna resist. I'm gonna be Sunny.
I'm working on my only ticket out as never before.
AS SAID BY,
THE POET iN THE JAR
What would life be without hope? O.o I really can't imagine it for myself. :D But what's wrong with wanting more for ourselves, wanting to be in a better position in life? It's the way to stay motivated and reach out to what we want, right? You be Sunny honey, then no killjoy can take your light away.
ReplyDeleteI will :P
ReplyDeleteWhy when saying Sunny I can't help but to think of the Baudelaire children? That character's specialty is to bite things... hahaha not much to do with hope! xD
"Because if I can't have this faith I will fall for sure. I'll drown..."
ReplyDeleteBex dont ever let your faith fall away, i found that out recently. You just might drown if you dont have it. In fact my faith in "gifts of terror" has been growing exponentially since last thursday, my faith in masks of gray has strengthened considerably and the idea of every poetic word is now what is keeping me glued together. Use your faith, use your words and use the strength i KNOW you have and keep going, riding on the wings of hope... its the best way to be
Thanks rayn. It's so good that you guys understand me in this, I've always been brought up not to trust in hope and I've worked so hard to keep it. So what, if a silly thought or just a daydream is what gets me through the day? Or if I put too much trust in hope? For one thing if we didn't keep our hopes up and really tried me and sis would never have gotten that wonderful apartment...
ReplyDeleteI guess it's true that I should stick to hope, but it feels like it's getting harder by the day, that it's sort of suffocating me trying to keep it up even though it's just what keeps me alive. I can't explain it! :S