Fuck My Luck

Argh, if things just for once were as simple as that, I would be happy. Called about the flats today, and apparently I can't put myself in line for them if I haven't made an apply for a new flat, and the only way to do that is via the net. But since I already live with this landlord, the password will come by regular mail and not my e-mail. Meaning, these two flats will be removed from the site before I have any chance of applying for them.
It just aint fair. I know it would be hard to get one of them anyhow, considering how many must be in line already, but it's not as much that as that I had built some really high expectations that are just falling apart. It don't lead anywhere. Not away from here, not anywhere. And I feel like I just wanna throw up when I see these walls around me.
And no one understands me.
You wanna know what Mum said when I called her? I was pretty upset, cause it's been two tough weeks in lots of ways, and this was just too much for me to take. And Mum tells me to get a grip, don't go crying like your sister does. And all the customers at work seem to be more important than me. Work in all seems to be most important. Like when I asked Mum if I could be free any longer than the five days I'll get next week. And she's like, course you can't, that's when Caroline's on vacation. And I just wanna know when it's time for my vacation. I've been free like a total of four days this summer, combining both my jobs, and next week is all I'll get. 'Bout a month ago Mum said we would make sure that me and Nikki got our vacation at the same time. That seems to have flown out of her head somehow.
And what really bugs me is, I want to be mad with her, be angry with her and yell at her, but I know she's worse off than me, and I don't have the right to complain, really. Today they stuck her throat full of needles. Turns out she doesn't have one lump. It's more like eight of them, and probably it's worse than they'd thought, or else they wouldn't call her back in so soon. On Tuesday we'll know for sure whether it's cancer. I hate it, all I wanted her to do was listen to me, I ask nothing more. All I get for it is, get a grip, don't go crying like your sister does. Yeah, and hang on, I got a customer, talk to you later.
In fact I'm just so worried that I'm angry, aint got the energy to feel sad. I've already done a perfectly timed imitation of the Niagara falls as it is tonight. If I could decide, I would just want to go back to when we were kids, when things were fine. When it was okay to cry and your mama had the time to dress your wounds.
Tomorrow morning I have nothing at all planned. I'm gonna sleep. To wear off my weariness.
FROM A JAR FULL OF WATER, THE POET SAYS NIGHT.