Tracing Faith, Tracing Fate

It's Sunday, stuff is all over and done with, tomorrow is a new week with new stuff to do, see and hear. New opportunities. Or something. If I can just keep my buzzing mind busy with anything else rather than what is desperately trying to pierce into my head, I'll be just fine. It's me and the cat, living our bachelor life here, watching the lawn grow beyond recognition into an exciting forest site. A place to play, right, Zorro? No bothering the perfectionist neighbour to the right, who, judging by the look on her face when she glances over the fence, is likely to report me for my sloppiness in the garden any day now. Well, I'll have plenty of time to set that right tomorrow, after the hairdresser's, which makes me go KIPPIE YEAY! By the way.
On to something else! Nikki came home early this Friday, luckily enough for the both of us. Since I went out Friday night and then spent Saturday at work, it wouldn't 'ave been much of a get-together otherwise. Well, to be honest... it hasn't been, either. Not that it hasn't been good or anything. It just makes me very sad to know that we won't get it back, the fire, the closeness, you know? The thing with us sharing everything in our daily lives, we won't ever have that again, now it's like, yeah, see you this weekend, or by the way, I can't cause I've got this test... Sure, I like being alone, and yeah sure, I can enjoy it. And I can think to myself how great it is to feel a little more free, and how much more fun it is to see eachother when it aint every day and all. But I wouldn't 'ave wanted it to be quite like this. I would want us to live, you know, in the same city, so that we could be apart when we felt like it, and if we wanted to be together, we could just head over to eachother's places, right? And it wouldn't 'ave to be big stuff, if he had to study I could just hang around and watch TV or something. I don't want it to be the way where we live in two different cities, an hour and a half apart, and he lives with his sister, who I don't wanna come barging in on disturbing her in her studies. I don't wanna have it this way where if Nikki's got a test on Saturday, he aint coming home for the weekend cause it's too much a waste of money and too much a waste of time, and woops, it'll have gone by two weeks before we see eachother. What will happen to us, to what we share, if we got this distance between us? I really hope it'll only make us stronger. No more than a week has passed by so far, but already, I am stronger in myself, I am stronger in the company of myself. One wise man once said that if there's one person you really have to learn to live with it's yourself, cause yourself is the only one you're guaranteed to spend the rest of your life with. It's something like that, I guess. Though this wise statement says nothing about what happens to you in the company of others. I might be a bit stronger in myself, I might be regaining bits and pieces of myself, but when I'm with Nikki, it's as if all that just goes away and even though I know I'll manage once he's gone, it hurts me so much every time he leaves, I get weak, I beg him to stay, even though I think it might be better for me to have it this way.
I just don't think I got what I bargained for, with all this. I wanted us to live apart but close to eachother. Now it's like I'm reliving my sister's relationship with her boyfriend, living on two opposite sides of this country, and see what happened. They couldn't take being from eachother and even though she complains sometimes, she's still there with him now. I saw what it did to my sis when they lived so far apart. And although this situation might not be comparable, it is all the same to me.
I think sometimes I spend too much time thinking. Lucky for me there are those get-away-moments. Get-drunk-and-get-away-moments, maybe they should be called. Like this Friday. I had an awesome time, we played Mario Kart at home before we left, the obligatory warmup, ha, ha. And then we moved on to our favourite club, which has finally opened up for the autumn/winter/typo thing coming after the crappy Swedish summer. I dunno what I'd do without these times, without my friends, without everyone and everything that make my living worthwhile. You know, I feel like I'm cut in half, and one half of me thinks things are a zillion times better than they usually are, that's probably the part of me that enjoys coming back to school; and the other half is just so depressed, so down. Right now, I'm feeling down. It just feels as though whatever we do it won't matter, it won't make any difference, people are still gonna die from the wrong reasons and people will still use eachother and there will still be war, and you still can't trust people... you can't be that naive anymore, and the only way to live through it is to become a cynical, like. Why do we bother when things can end so suddenly? What will happen to us when we're gone? No one will remember us in a couple of years, what we love, what we hate, it won't matter, cause as long as we're not famous or something no one will listen. We have no power, we are just one of millions and millions of people that are all more important than we are.
I don't even know why we keep at it, it has to be because we're simply to afraid to give it all up, we're all too afraid to die. And at the same time I'm thinking all this, you affect me. All of your fates, they go deep down my soul, etch themselves there, leaving permanent marks. All of you... your fates... your desires, your fears. You people that I read about, that I watch films about, you people that I know, that I love.
My Mum always says there are only two things that are certain in this life, death and taxes. If I could change that hearsay it'd be more like, there are three things that are certain in life. Birth, death... and maybe, if you have loved, you'll leave traces in this world... Traces of hope, that the rest of us can hold on to when we're trying to trace our own fates. Now please someone, tell me that will be enough. Enough to keep me going for a while.
From the POET in the JAR.