Ups And Downs

Geez, still digesting this weekend... memories for life, to say the least. I get goosebumps just thinking about it! Wow, listening to the songs now afterwards really gives me shivers... suddenly they sound so much more alive and real.

There is a good reason why barely anyone has anything bad to say about this band.

Well, not doing much today, except trying to make time pass, and all the ways in which I try to do that only manage to make me restless. I still can't speak with this god forsaken nonexistant voice of mine, it's like every time the phone rings, I go like, oh no....! Cause it hurts that much to talk, ha, ha. Also got fever and the whole shebang, but who cares.

When I woke up this morning, my eyebrow piercing had bled. Bad sign. Gotta take it out and make a thorough cleanup.

Only 19 days left to tattoo... getting nervous, nervous, nervous.

Damnit, got work the entire next week, have no idea how to get the energy to do it. Been home from school for two days now and it's like I just don't care, you know? I know I got loads of stuff to do and exams coming up but it's like I've just given up. I have no energy for this anymore. I just look at my books and then go to do something entirely else. I don't mind. I'll probably pass my exams anyway, they're not exactly Einstein level, but it still makes me feel like crap. Found myself in a strange state this morning after I'd woken up and decided I was not well enough for school... couldn't sleep, couldn't move, I just lay there like, staring at the ceiling. I must have been like that for around half an hour before I finally dragged my Ipod into bed and tried to get some sleep with help of POTF... but sleep didn't come until much later, I listened through the entire track list of the weekend's gigs before I managed to sleep however lightly.

I'm a bit worried about myself, since entering that dormant catatonic state is normally a sign of upcoming depression for me. I don't wanna talk about it with anyone, like my Mum for example, cause the last few times this happened she was convinced I'd try to kill myself and wanted me to go to some old shrink, and that, I don't want. It's better that she worries about herself with all her medications and surgeries going on and all the energy she's got left after that she should be spending on worrying about last minute preparations for their trip to Greece.

Hehe, fancy that idea, every time Mum and Dad goes anywhere fun or does anything fun, they leave me and sis behind to cover work. Yay... so sick of it. I got my own life, like... so fucking sick of that place I don't want anything what so ever to do with it, like ever again. The moment I enter there I want out again. The only thing making it a bit worthwhile to stick around there is my co-worker Michael who's cynical and funny like fuck... ha, ha. No seriously... it's great to stand slaving at work when you know that the reason you're there is for everyone else to be free and do something fun.

The place in life for students, hehe.

Well, can't do without it either. Without work I'd be on the streets, even with as many student loans as I got... believe me, there's a reason why all students keep complaining about their economy.

Fuck.

Ruby just called, making me even more down. I don't know, but he tends to make me feel so down whenever he calls. It reminds me of everything, all the stuff I did that was crap and all the stuff I didn't do that was even worse. Reminds me of how bad I am as a person, which he isn't slow to tell me to my face, either. I need space. It's just, if he only could understand that the less I saw him, the happier those faces got, those memories we shared, the more sparkling they were. If I saw him every once in a while it'd be so much more fun.

Woke up this morning with tears streaming from my eyes. I don't know why. Maybe it was something I dreamt. Maybe it was just life.

Fuck.