Misery

Geez! I'm just so sick of my Mum right now...!
I love her and all that jazz but when will she ever let me be? I'm grown up enough to make my own mistakes, so I think I should be grown up enough to learn my own lessons from them as well. And the minute I think I got it figured, thinking I'm just gonna let it smoothen out, and live on, y'know, then she goes "But what's your plan? Is it gonna roll on like this forever?" And I go like, "Roll on like how forever?" And she ticks off, going well, should you really be afraid of who to see and who not to see, and isn't it going to be complicated, and shouldn't you do this and that, and shouldn't you talk to this person and that person and say this and that, and what's your plan? Fuck it, I don't have a fucking plan, or anything of the like. I just know that for now, I'm gonna live on, y'know, I'm not gonna worry about responsibility, or love, or a relationship, I'm just gonna, take it as it comes. And if there're any troubles on the way then fuck, I'll face them when they get to me, what's the problem?
Do I have to make a line-up for all possible events and situations that might sooner or later actually happen to me for real? Do I have to have a backup plan for everything? Geez, here we are, and we don't even fucking know if we're still gonna be alive tomorrow, and my Mum ticks off, talking about plans. The essence of plans! The importance of plans!
Why can't she just let me be? I know she just cares about me and wants what's best for me, but that doesn't automatically mean she is the one to decide what's best for me. Or the one to know. It's not like she's ever been in a situation like mine, so fuck it. What could she possibly know?
Mum says, "It's just that I'm worried bout you, one moment you're saying you got no friends left and the next moment you're saying everything's fine."
Uhmm, yeah. That's called life, it goes in waves. Sometimes you're depressed and think no one fucking cares, and sometimes things are fine. And then there are those times when your Mum asks you how things are and you tell her they're fine, cause you know that if you tell her they're not, she'll get worried, and you'd rather have her fine and dandy so that you can worry about your own problems.
I've been thinking bout this like a hundred times, about my upbringing. It's weird, right? I always been taught that you have to think of yourself first, cause you're the only who'll care about yourself, and you're the only one you can know for certain you're gonna be spending the rest of your life with. Fuck all that, I don't care, let me worry about my friends if I want to, c'mon. So maybe I do listen to them a bit too much, so maybe I do care too much if they don't wanna talk to me or hang out with me or nothing. But isn't that cause I fucking care? Because I fucking love them to damn much not to care.
I feel so lonely, lonely as fuck, like I'm in this invisible bubble where I can see everyone moving about outside but can't reach out to them, and no one reaches inside for me either. I know I got my very best friends covering my back, aye. But there's a difference between your friends, and your mates. Some friends stick with you, some don't. Some mates stick with you, some don't. And basically what's happened is that I've kept my friends but lost almost all my mates.
Fuck it, life sucks, and I'm not even being left alone to enjoy my misery.
It's so weird, one moment I wish people'd just leave me alone, you know, and the other moment I just wish they'd reach out to me. It's so bloody obvious that most people won't have anything to do with me and I'm totally cut off from everyone.
Except my friends. You know who you are. I love you so it hurts. <3