Misbehavior,Theatres & Hunches

Mum adviced me to misbehave myself. To listen to that mental wall that seems to have placed itself in my head, and take the hint. Ignore everything, get drunk with friends, be in the sun, stay up late, do whatever. Misbehave. I think that's not only the best advice anyone ever gave me, especially coming from my Mum; I also think I am more good at it than I would ever want to consciously admit.

I'm thinking a lot these days. Merely half the ponders come out of my head, dressed in rhymes and rhythm in songs and poems, dressed in ink when I draw. The rest is still in here, stirring, whirling around. And I came to realize something. For every time we ourselves have been deeply wounded by someone, we ourselves, in our turn, have deeply wounded someone else, accidentally or non-accidentally. Ain't that it? It's all not much but a circle, going round, round; and in the end... life is just a big theatre, love is a play set there, and during all the different acts, we play every different role of the cast.

Call it that we grow. Call it that we evolve. Maybe that we make some bad decisions, maybe that some decisions seem to be made for us, without us being able to affect it. Sometimes when we can't help it. Like someone close to me recently said, "Believe me, I don't want to feel this way". Do we ever? Aren't we always trying to win over our emotions by being rational, by trying to block things out, by trying to prove we don't care... even if we do get wounded. Even if we do hurt.

Sis said she'd teach me how to be ice cold. But if I was ice cold, it wouldn't be me. I can't help it that I'm an artist's soul. That even if there never was a promise, I still react when the bubble bursts, the bubble that I built myself in my head. Because I imagine. I take things out in advance, and imagine I know what's going to happen. And I don't. Not when I'm picturing it consciously. Only my hunches are right, and hell knows I should have learnt to listen to my hunches a long time ago.

Why is it so difficult? Just... if you have a hunch you shouldn't go somewhere, then don't? But I go anyway, convincing myself it's just a mental ghost trying to haunt me, trying to make things weirded out. The voices in my head. But almost always, when I get there, something happens, and I see the reason I had that hunch, I see the reason why I should have stayed away. And not let myself be hurt, not let myself be torn.

I've got a hunch this once as well, and I'm following it. I'm gonna start following what my guts tell me to. And even if it's one of my best friends. I just can't face that. Cause... it's a subconscious hunch. It's not a scenario that I wanted to happen, that I wanted to come true. I know what will happen if I go, because it flashed me by, and there's no use putting myself out there when I already glanced it by, already recognize it.

Dear Jess, we'll be making most of our weekend anyway in protest.
SWEETED POET in the JAR
Ps. Off to avoid an exam. Ds.