I'm tired, a tad hungover, and paranoid, all seeming to be my normal state of mind. State of heart. Twice, maybe three times this morning I was again close to driving off the road alternatively hitting cars in the meeting traffic. Seemed like alarmingly often I happened to cross over to the wrong lane. Had to mentally slap myself and get back to focus on the road. I seriously believe my license should be taken from me; there is a danger in letting unfocused daydreamers drive around in high traffic, where you need all the focus you can get. My blurred head seems to get to me wherever I am, whatever I'm doing. I drift off, the world disappears, I'm in my dream world again.
I thought the other day, it's so much easier that way. Living in a universe you create for yourself, where you see what you want to see, where you can be what you want to be. There you can ignore the job you go to every day and that you hate, the exams you're avoiding, the heart breaks, the memories. And you choose what memories to reside in, what to dwell in. Some good ones, to love and embrace. But most of them are bad.
And why do you do it? Keep dwelling in a fantasy world where the memories you've selected for yourself aren't even fuel to keep you going in real life? I don't know, maybe I'm just too much of a dreamer, maybe too much of an artist. I know I think too much, and that it's half of my problem, half of what keeps me in this weirded out mood. Sis wanted me to go on antidepressants. I'm dead scared it'll leave me feeling nothing, without emotion, being just an empty shell. It's maybe an irrational fear but I just don't see how my solution lies in pills. In the end all medication does is ease the symptoms of the problem, not removing the cause of it.
Mum told me to misbehave instead. I'm doing a wonderful job. People should hire me for doing it really. Hell, wish I could make my living doing all those things that I already do, writing, creating, anything. Cause I'm already doing it, pay or no pay.
But I guess that's a dream and a fantasy too.
I'm tired of seeing things that aren't there. I imagine there are monsters on the road. I see them there. They're all dead, and shouldn't really be intimidating since they're just bodies, but every time they appear, they disappear again in the next second. Half the reason why I can't stay focused with my eyes on the bloody road is that I'm looking at the bloody, fucking monsters. What else can I call them? They're monsters of my mind, of my head, they aren't real, they aren't there.
I remember when watching Donnie Darko, the shrink says about him that he experiences day time hallucinations, and that it's common for people with schizophrenia. Hah. Maybe that would explain half the bit? Or maybe I'm just plain fucked up, cause I'm a writer.
I said to someone the other day they shouldn't want to stray near me. I'm an alcoholic wreck, who loves to misbehave in life, who see stuff that aren't there, I'm a mess. I constantly make bad decisions, make bad judgments, believe in the wrong people, fall for the wrong words. I'm glad that I seemingly have lost a few of my biggest sins, but there are still enough of them hovering around to weigh guiltily on my shoulders. I drink. I don't really want to, but I do. There's always a good excuse to have a beer, or a shot, or a cocktail. It's weekend, it's someone's birthday, there's a good show on TV, there's a long night of studying ahead... Anything is good enough a reason. Drinking keeps me away from the bad mood, temporarily, that is until paranoia and anxiety strikes, in the middle of the night, and I can't sleep. I'm insomniac.
I have more sins. I'm nowhere near a flawless person. I eat sugar. I feed on sugar. Without my daily dose of chocolate I don't function. I don't eat properly. I order takeout, maybe cook once a week. I sleep with my contacts still in my eyes. I stay up to 3 AM in the night time, just because it's more calming to be awake then than in the day. I sleep away every free day I should study on. I skip exams. I rather see friends than do anything even near household chores. I'm lazy. I dose myself with zombie movies and silly killing games. I skip breakfast. I pretend to smile, pretend to care. I complain about my money situation, try to save some, end up buying new hair dye instead. I talk too much when I'm nervous. I got tics in my left eye when I'm tired, and I constantly am tired, since I never sleep the way I should. I have voices in my head. I'm constantly depressed, except for when I'm in the sun, doing nothing. I got a busted knee after my dad that aches whenever I stand up for more than 2 minutes. I'm always late, everywhere I go, cause I just need to hear that song one more time... I take long meaningless drives without a purpose when I get restless, and I'm always restless. Restless but lazy! I listen to people that I shouldn't trust. Probably my biggest sin of all is when I insist to give people second chances, insist they can change, that bad things won't happen again.
My naivete is my biggest sin, and my biggest treasure.
ALL FOR NOW, says
The POET in the JAR
Wow bex.. This is quite the list. Sounds like you did some serious hating on yourself :/ It's not fair , you know.. To lie to yourself like that. Your a wonderful person! Inside and out.
ReplyDeletenobody likes doing chores, we would all rather hang out with friends instead. In truth, we are all a little lazy.. just that some people hide it. Regards to hating your job, well, I'm not a huge fan of mine either. My theory about that is that we will never actually find a job that we like until we stop lying to ourselves. If you like writing, Don't tell yourself that It's too hard to be a writer for a career, try and see what happens. If you want to be a professional public speaker, don't tell yourself that they aren't needed much, try and see what happens. Becuase you will never be truly happy with a job until you are doing what you love. And yeah, maybe doing what you love is hard and doesn't make a whole lot of money at first, but after you get past that first bit, things should be fine if you really commit yourself.
"maybe I'm just too much of a dreamer, maybe too much of an artist." You can never be too much of an artist! Being an artist is a great thing, you open your imagination and see things differently than the rest of the world. That's whats wrong with society today.. If someone is the least bit different we say they are mental or need some serious help. Everyone needs to be normal. Which is stupid, because honestly, how can you define 'normal'? And being too much of a dreamer can be a tricky thing. It's also good to a point, but recognizing where fantasy ends and reality starts is an important but difficult task.
And last but not least, you always know that I'm hear if you ever need to talk. Hell, I don't even care if you call me. I'm half way across the world, and it will be costly, but if it means I can help a friend.. then it's definitly worth it. I could never put a price on true friendship. Also, even though I think what you said is highly unfair to yourself, I will never tell you that your stupid to think so and that you shouldn't feel this way. I would think something was wrong if you didn't feel this way.. because we ALL have our down days. Days when we feel the world is out to get us and that nothing we do is right. That all your past memories are making a come back, to get revenge on all those times you ignored them. That's okay.. there's really nothing we can do to stop those bad days, they will happen anyways. But it's when those days turn into weeks and months that we worry. In which case you need to do as your mom said.. misbehave a little. When I say that I don't mean go out and sell all your stuff so you can travel around the world and get knocked up by some random guy that you can't even understand. I mean to just have fun, but within reason.. don't get yourself in over your head..
Thanks honey =) I was actually gonna ask you about that cause I never saved down the number when you gave it to me, I have to re-add it ;)
ReplyDeleteIt aint really like it's a hating list. It's just I guess a distorted sort of image of myself. Maybe it is the right one? I wouldn't know. Was just how I saw myself when I started pondering. I just know that I can name so many reasons why people shouldn't want me ;) I don't see in myself what I'm able to see in others, but then again... that's probably half the point now isn't it. We don't view ourselves like others do.
I'm really glad you aren't telling me not to feel this or that way. It helps a lot just that you read and react to what I write in your own ways without being judging. That was always one of the best things with you, you never judged me in any way. <3
And about the dream, yes of course pursuing it with all my power. Hadn't I been trying my hardest to end up doing what I love for a living I would never have gotten so far. I'm just waiting to earn millions on my books, he hee. I can always dream and anyways all I want is to see my books in print, some day. And I have a feeling it's gonna happen. :)
And I'm convinced you're not too happy with job either, then imagine to have worked there for nearly 4 years. That's how fed up I am with it :P And even if I know it's good that I might be able to work there this fall if I don't get into school it's just not... I would have expected to be somewhere else by now you know.
Yes we all have our bad days, I'll go misbehave some more now :P And no, I'm not misbehaving in that extreme way... uhh... yet xD