Pseudo World

I have to get my emotional fix
Drench myself in the depths of the sound
Blasting my personal cures to the world
I'm not fully healed,
sometimes it even breaks me down
but the fundamental stays
The fundamental state of mind
And sometimes it's the only way
to drown out the sorrow

I'm sorry if I didn't hear you or even listen
I was in the pseudo world where I belong
The state where I can make and create
Where everything builds up to the greater art
Where everything is about passion, emotion
Where you can feed off air and forgotten love
And you're covered in silver mist and door knobs

I have to get my self-medication
Type in a trance until I drown
Shut out the market of the world
And only feel
Sometimes thought is overrated,
and underrated at the same time
You're not supposed to think
but you're not supposed to feel either

I'm sorry if I didn't hear you or even listen

I was in the pseudo world where I belong

The state where I can make and create

Where everything builds up to the greater art

Where everything is about passion, emotion

Where you can feed off air and forgotten love

And you're covered in silver mist and door knobs

I'm sorry, I know I'm supposed to give of myself

Portion after portion of unconditional love

But I'm a poet, lost in mind, lost in time

Half my heart has to stay mine

Or I might run out of words

And become a copycat, a mime

Or am I lying?

I have no control of my heart

It's a wild creature, intended to fly

But I've let everyone chain it down

And instead I'm stuck with a pretense integrity

Saying I did it on purpose, when I didn't

It was the world that happened to me

and it wasn't self-inflicted

But would you believe me?

Don't you all create your own darkness,

you say, don't you all do it to yourselves

And feel sorry for yourselves as you do

Expecting someone else to repair the damage

We don't

I don't

I can't control the damage

Crucifix

You tell me to be strong but I defend my right to cry
Why should I go through this short life in pretense
Without giving in to my immediate reactions
Do you really know what's behind the tears
Have you tried to live life with my eyes
Have you ever tried to be me
Or see me

I can't control my stormy emotions
I never could steer them my way
They're part of my muse and what makes me
Part of my inspiration, my desperation
And depression
I won't be altered
Just so I can say I was strong
Just so I can say I died inside

I think you're as prone to weakness as me
You are just too stubborn to ever admit defeat
And to keep away the depths of the dark
You shield yourself with a layer of laughter
Reduce everything to silliness and games
I know, because I used to be like you
I used to act the same way

My crucifix was episodes of comedy
Or songs that ridiculed life and the world
It was to keep the biters away, the fangs
And I kept the flickering screen on through the night
As if it was the defense that would do the trick
Against the old demons
In case they returned

I can't control my stormy emotions

I never could steer them my way

They're part of my muse and what makes me

Part of my inspiration, my desperation

And depression

I won't be altered

Just so I can say I was strong

Just so I can say I died inside

I guess in the end neither of our methods work
And neither of us is near perfection
Everyone has their own way to deal with their situations
And it's not in my interest to make you any different
Just don't change me either in the end
And I'll defend my right to cry
Even when you're right
And I won't question you
If you don't question me

I can't control my stormy devotion
I never could steer it that way
It's part of my muse and what makes me
Part of my inspiration, my desperation
And isolation

Park Ranger

This is the last time I'll pity you for falling into your own traps
You were always good at poaching, setting it all up in advance
Then walking into them on purpose, as if you wanted to
As if the only thing that kept you breathing was the pain

Could you buy yourself some time if you walked away
Maybe that would keep the demons at bay
If you listened to that voice that told you,
This time you don't need to walk into the trap
This time don't let the jaws slam down on you
And immobilize you

I used to uphold your comfort zone
Where you could curl up and tend to your wounds
Where you told me this time you would heal
I could only see it was a lie on the bandages you threw out
And left like a trail behind you
Stained with blood and sweet deceit

If everything's really that dark why do you stay around
Why do you let yourself be hit and raped
Why do you stand the jealousy and the abuse
Why don't you just take your car and drive
And go far, far from where you are

There's nothing that roots you to the spot or commands you
Nothing but that old shiny bear trap that you made yourself
And you walk into it time after time after time
How can you even believe things will be different this time
Or that you'll be treated like you should because there's a ring
On your finger that you didn't have to pay

I used to say you were the most wonderful girl in the world
The most wonderful girl who just made the most foolish decisions
But you've surpassed all that as you don't even answer anymore
And you probably blame me for not calling although you never pick up
Blame me for living the life I wanted for myself and forgetting about you

How can you think things like that, with what we had together
In the comfort zone where there was just you and me
Against the world and against everyone that hated us
I could never forget you, hell, even with these words I'm writing
I'm worrying about you
Even though the connection is old by now I can still feel it sometimes
And instinctively know when something's wrong
And something is wrong here
Even more than it usually is
Maybe you walked into your final trap
And this is the first one you couldn't get out of again
This is the first time you wouldn't heal up again properly
Inbetween your self-inflicted wounds

How should I know what's happened
The link is old and doesn't tell me things
Like it used to
How could I resurrect the zone of comfort
When it was a long time since I last pitied you
For your own mistakes
Maybe I'm selfish
Maybe I'm inhuman
But I can't feel for you anymore
Not when you set this up yourself
Don't you know how much it hurts to watch
I can't be your park ranger
You're outside the park now by far
And other rules are valid there
Rules I can't control

You were always good at poaching
I can only hope you had enough sense
To not set them all off yourself
To leave one, only one
For who's chasing you

Gatekeeper

Maybe the downfall is just what I need

The downfall into thoughts and doubt

Maybe it can help me break the blocks

Of rock that pile up ahead

And make everything seem impossible

Maybe I could harvest that power

And turn it into something useful

For unforeseen situations

Maybe I decided on the wrong color

For the paint that breaks into dry flakes

On my walls and become like chains

Telling me who to be, how to react

Why would I need a makeover

To fit into your every twisting need

To transform myself, and dance along to your music

Dressed in the colors you chose for me

Why should I tone myself down

Lower my voice so my whispers won't disturb you

When I just wanted to speak my mind,

Regardless if anyone was listening

I prefer not to conform to what you might want

And not to respond to your every wish

There are greater things than the trivial and daily

I want to be there, for when it happens

Pack my every brown paper bag

And drag them on the train

Maybe I'll go when the sun's out

Maybe I'll go when it rains

I tire of you and your grasp on me

I defeated you once, and more

Isn't that enough for you

Aren't there others you can possess

So your voice can be driven out of my mind

I want to welcome the light, the underwater dream

But you always come back to block me, to stop me

Maybe all you want is to be taken down again

Is there a thrill in the downfall

A thrill in the fall

Maybe I could harvest that power of yours

And turn it into something useful

For unforeseen situations

Maybe I could manage to imprison you

Instead of always trying to kill the immortal

Would it be impossible for a prisoner to turn the table

And switch places with the one who put me here

Maybe if I did that I would stand a chance

And maybe it would be your turn to tire, of me

I can't even say that I fully hate you

Without your hold on me I wouldn't write these words

I wouldn't be able to create other worlds

Is that why you are still around

To work in the silence

To enable the gates to stay open

To make me the gatekeeper

To visualize the keys

Jewels

I've felt strangely wary for a few days, since around Wednesday, a wariness that won't seem to let go of me. I'm aching to create, to write, to paint, to do anything, and still it's like I can't settle down and focus on it, as if my mind is somewhere else. I think I can easily pinpoint my writer's block - a combination of lack of time, and lack of ideas. Also, I have this big idea that everything I write have to come out awesome right away, or it's crap writing, an idea I have to work with getting rid of. It hasn't helped any of my novels to think in these ways and I'm aware of that. So how come it's so hard to get rid of the thoughts now?


To get back in prose I tried a few different things. One was opening my oldest novel for editing, which it needs anyway, but after spending some hours on it I suddenly felt it wasn't worth my time. I then started to look again at Ophelia, which I feel is the best novel I've written, and stumbled upon the draft of its sequel in the folder. It was pretty good. Even though I always felt Ophelia doesn't need a sequel, and never was meant to have one, it might work well to get me back into writing. Ella waits patiently. She is my little jewel. She'll wait until I'm ready for her.


As long as I'm not writing prose, I might as well be writing something. I got a poem written down earlier that's been in my head for a few days and that's at least something.


I'll be off now to check what food I can manage to find in my kitchen and also to possibly check back in on Jake and Madden.
POET IN THE JAR

Shining Letters

There's an overwhelming sadness in me
That not even your laughter can drive away
It came from the depths where I had deported it
Returned from where I had banned it
That sadness and that pain

It spreads through my heart and my eyes
And forces me to see the world
In a different way
It tells me this is the naked truth
I must trust and follow
It tells me all my smiles are worthless
What do they mean, at the end of the day
When the shadows appear out of nowhere

Can you hunt down your demons with light
And turn them into defenseless things
Can you chase away the sadness
And all the tow it brings
Is that why you always leave the light on

When I wake from a faceless dream
And the contours of the room aren't still
What good will it do me with light
What will be changed
If the room
Is kept bright

I was always told to forget about things that have been
To shun away what I've seen in my dreams
How do I explain that I dream in the day
And that the past just isn't willing to go away

Can you hunt down your demons with light

And turn them into defenseless things

Can you chase away the sadness

And all the tow it brings

Is that why you always leave the light on

Can the smoke in this room become the air that I breathe

Can everything be tiring, everything I see

Maybe the words were right, the words that stood out

In shining letters

Maybe this is really how dark things are

And you can never get rid of the undertone

You can never really reach for bliss

Not even when ignorant, like this

So take your comfort in your muse

And cling to it in the darkness

Use it to channel the subconscious

Into images and words

Isn't that how it was always done

Isn't that how it will always be done

Can you deny that once it's gone

When it's gone and you realize you miss it

You miss the demons

Without the demons you aren't alive

And they were right when they said

You lost the meaning of your smiles

Head First

How did I manage to drown my own optimism
Drown my waterfall, that I carefully built
Out of dreamscapes and more fragile hopes
Than was allowed to exist
How did I manage
How did I achieve

When did I chain myself to the ground
And sink myself into the river
With cement blocks on my feet
I couldn't even move
I couldn't even breathe

Your words all made sense
It couldn't be the things you said
And your thoughts were rational
Parts of my own suppressed ones
So why suddenly did I take a turn for the worse
And dive into the darkness, head first

Was it the only thing I had to cling on to
The only remnant I had of a muse
When all my other canals had dried up

Although by now I am chained to the ground
I haven't given up on the dreams that I found
And I know there could be more sinister things
I just need to save up for stronger wings

Drown yourself in self pity and desertion
Maybe that way you could run away
And all the problems that surrounded you
Will magically disappear, with the snap of your fingers
But didn't anyone tell you
It doesn't work that way

As long as you won't face what's ahead
And as long as you don't brace yourself
Against the truth
You won't last
And I won't last,
with you