Not Breathing

I woke up this morning and I couldn't breathe.
I need to vent. I need to do something. I need to do anything. Things come crashing down on me more than they've ever done before, and it feels like I've hit the limit. Like this is rock bottom.
Everyone keep telling me it'll all be better... everyone except my Mum. She says that I'm depressed and that I can't fix it by myself, that I need help to do it. She agreed to follow me to see a doctor or a psychologist or anyone really, soon. I'm really glad that I have her but there's this problem along with it.
I feel like I've taken her away from my sis.
My sis never gets any encouraging words. She is like the black sheep in my mother's eyes and always gets to hear mean things. My Mum doesn't understand her. I have such a bad conscious for this since she understands me more than anyone and I can't understand why she can't do it for my sister as well. My sis is the kind of person to talk a lot but she doesn't really talk to my Mum about things because she doesn't think she'll understand anyway. I tell my Mum maybe too much sometimes. I just feel that it's good that someone close to you knows everything you go through. I don't wanna feel like I felt awful for a long time and no one saw me. My Mum sees me and keeps helping me out and saying things that make it all feel easier. Like today she said she wouldn't make it if it weren't for me. That made it bit easier. Cause so many times I just wanna sink right through this floor and disappear, and it's always good to actually hear it spelled out in words that someone would miss you if you did.
I feel really bad about me and my sis right now. We were fine just weeks ago and now it's like we're both different people. We don't really talk anymore. The times that we do talk we just get mad at eachother and say mean things. I don't wanna say stuff like that to her because I don't really mean them. It's just in the heat of the moment and lacking to talk for real that makes me say it. I know I made my sis so sad today and I feel horrible for it. I know that maybe right now she really needs someone to be supportive for her but it's like... I can't do it right now you know? I can barely look after myself and even though she doesn't need looking after it's like... I wish I at least had some more energy to spare on her. That I had something more to give.
As it is now I'm just tired, all the time, and frustrated. Frustration really kills me, day by day. There are so many other things that I can't stop worrying about and I think maybe that's why I take it out on her, even if I don't mean to.
And I feel like I spend so much time thinking about this while I can't imagine that she does even if she did, you know (if that made any sense).
It's like... I'm looking at myself from the outside and I don't recognize who I'm seeing. That person isn't me. I'm not usually like this. I can look at myself and just know that all my problems start inside of me, that they're all in my head, and I'm blowing them up to huge proportions. It feels like, if I'm able to know this, if I know it's all my own making, I should be able to fix it, but I can't. It really makes me feel worthless that I can't fix this for once. Fix it, fix me, like I used to be able to do.
Mum says this is a dead certain sign of depression and that it's why I need some help. I think that I could use some too, but in one way I go completely anti her. She suggested to me that I take some pills that like, add to your diet with vitamins and stuff, and I really don't want to. I think that might be because I remember what it was like last time I went on any kind of pill. I remember it made me even more different, and even more depressed. It made everything, literally, hell. Even if this is just some nutritient maybe my mind just subconsciously pushes the thought away, pushes the idea away.
I love living here but right now it feels like I might as well sleep on the sidewalk. This is an empty house these days. An empty home. I can have friends over much as I want but it's so empty here without my sis. I can't explain it. I can't say why I'm mad at her all the time. It's like... she's trying to make me understand but I can't soak it up.
I can't just accept it or even try.
It makes me feel like I'm cut in half... like I'm just in the way. I'm no good sister.
I can't help it. I know that I'm being selfish. I keep thinking that my sis is the selfish one if she is so busy creating another life out of here all of a sudden, creating some kind of life where I'm not included. Maybe I'm the selfish one, for even having the thought that she should be here with me instead, to see how I'm feeling, to cheer me up. To do anything.
I just feel so lonely, so fucking lonely, and everything about my situation and about some things that I should keep away from here is just getting to me and I really fucking hate it, I really, really hate it...
I'm just so invisible and no one sees me...
Yes, She Is Aware That She's Being Pathetic,
And She Knows All You Guys Thinks She Isn't Invisible,
Or A Good-For-Nothing,
But What Do You Do When You Can't Shake The Thought?
THE POET in THE JAR