It's 3.10 AM. Zelda woke me up after managing to tangle some yarn around her neck, after freeing her I can't seem to fall asleep again. I feel anxious. I feel like... I could really use some more therapy sessions. The pills aren't doing much for me. If anything it feels like they've made everything worse. I'm tired. I'm so, so... tired.
I'm getting up at around 8 AM. Why can't I just go back to sleep? Is it because normally I'm awake at this hour? Is it because I'm just so used to not having slept that it's... become a habit? I don't know, I really don't. I just feel like the world is closing in on me. Like big, black walls that stand up around me and form a prison around me. I feel like I can't breathe. I feel alone. I don't know what to do. I just. I don't want to go to work tomorrow... I just cry and feel like shit. What is the point? Why fight? All this effort for... so little. I just want to let go of everything and not do... anything.
I miss to talk to John. He always made me feel so much better. Just seeing him was mostly enough to let go of the worst thoughts. There was kindness in his eyes. There was safety.
There just isn't a single safe place left. There isn't a thing about my life that is safe. I really miss ... that safeport.
I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I wished I'd never have met you. I'm sorry I wasn't happy enough for you... I'm sorry I wasn't what you needed or what you wanted. I'm sorry that I wasn't honest with you, that I pretended that life was okay when it wasn't. That I pretended to live well without you when I never came closer to dying. I'm sorry! I'm sorry that I didn't last... that I couldn't help you. I'm sorry that I closed my soul to you to keep myself from harm. I really miss to talk to you and just hearing your voice. I miss falling asleep with you. I miss listening to your heart, that always beat too fast... I miss how you laugh
I miss that you were here
I just wish you'd give me a call. I would let everything go. I would go to you.
I would always go to you.
"you don´t need locks to make a prison" I wrote once. or something like that. isn´t it stupid to quote my own lines? well anyway.
ReplyDeletesometimes breathing is the most difficutl thing to do.
I know. No it's not stupid, it's very relevant. I remember I liked those lines <3
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