It's been a very long and odd day, I'm happy that it's drawing to an end. Usually 10PM on a Friday would be nowhere near the end of the day, but I'm feeling incredibly tired. This is the fifth working day (before that I had one day off, and then before that another three work days) and I can't really relax since I know I still have all weekend, and Monday, left to drag myself out of bed and go to work. Then maybe I can let go, for a while...
I try not to think of it, but the thought hits me over and over again that I'm a failure. That I can't even keep a relationship, that I dropped out of uni, that I've done nothing at all, achieved nothing. I know it is not so, when I'm thinking rationally, but when these thoughts strike me there is no logic. There is only dark and logic. Had I been at home this time I would have gone to take my pills, but I was still in the store, and I remember thinking "not here, not now". I had to stop for a while to control my breathing before I could go on and leave the store, and by then I had forgotten half of what I was supposed to buy. Sigh. I don't know what it is that's bugging me, and that's the worst part of all.
It seems to me, when I look at my life, that I don't have very much to complain about, not when I compare myself to others. I can't understand why it should be so difficult just to live, I never wanted it to be this tricky. I saw myself as someone who loved life and what it had to give. Now most of the time it tires me. There are flashes of light, like when the sun comes out after two weeks of darkness and it makes the white world glisten in every corner; or when you read a really good book or really love a song, or whatever it might be. But soon as they appear they are clouded again, and I'm drifting away.
Anyway... there are a few things to look forward to... and I got some very welcome money today so I'm overall satisfied.
POET in the JAR
it should be easy to live, shouldn´t it? you just... study for few years, then go to work, meet a girl/guy, marry him/her, make kids. divorce, marry again, make more children and then you retiere and then you die. it shoudln´t be too difficult to do.
ReplyDeleteBUT. it´s so fucking scary! live your life like that, like a robot or something. yuck. so why don´t we die know, when we haven´t lost everything we´ve got? there´s too much nothing in between birth and death.
BUT. as it seems, I won´t kill myself and either will you, I hope indeed!
I won't, there is too much in life that I appreciate to do that, and besides, I'm too coward ;) But it has been close on occasions, when the flashes of light just don't seem enough to light up the night, if you know what I mean.
ReplyDeleteI don't want that life for me. Just study, work, meet someone, have kids. I want to have a life that matters more, that is more, I want to see and do as much as I can! I want to do grand things. I hope one day I will be able to <3
silly typos I make... anyways.
ReplyDeleteI know you will be able to. :)