Independence Day

Maybe I'm trying too hard with this whole thing. Just because this is a small place and there's a nagging part of me telling me I can't be honest. Not here, not with these people. But what a relief it would be, not having to tip toe around everything, not having to pretend, not anymore. Most of you who know me online already know this about me, and everyone who has ever asked me knows as well. And still it seems like it would give me some sort of relief to have it stated, to note it down. However slim a difference it would make.

It's tiring to keep my eyes and ears open for any opportunity that might stray me by. It would be so much easier if I could put a stamp saying bisexual on my forehead, preferrably with the additional ...and tired of men phrase following it, and then just sit around and wait for something to happen. I would prefer it to be like just running into someone by chance, meeting their eyes and then just knowing you were meant to be. But I'm probably much too romantic for this world, and much too naive. The friends or aquintances that I wouldn't mind dating I'm too shy to ask, and too afraid I'd lose them in the process.

I ventured onto some online place, stating what I'm looking for. A lovely girl that wouldn't mind falling asleep beside me, someone that wouldn't mind late night talking and a lot of hugs. You'd think that wasn't too difficult to find. Well, like I said, I'm trying too hard and I know it... but I'm tired of being alone and it's the only way I can think of.

It would be a lot easier if my family knew. Sis might know, she might be guessing. Probably just thinks I'm experimental. I don't feel like asking. We don't talk about things like this with our family. I'm sure that once the news panned out and everyone settled, it wouldn't be a big deal, I'd be just as accepted as before. But I'm still not looking forward to stirring a storm, however temporary.

I have come to a refreshing insight as my parents are abroad and the phone has fallen graciously quiet. That I'm not supposed to care. Not this much. A friend of mine told me I'm too dependent on what my parents think, and that's probably true. It didn't keep me from quitting school that wasn't for me, or to decide for arts university; it didn't keep me from doing tattoos and piercings and living in collectives, but then again...? Didn't I do it just to prove that I could? Just to prove how independent I was? Doesn't that make me entirely lose the point of actually being independent?

I'm done with tip-toeing, with even bothering what other people should think. I'm tired of not being truthful, of pretending that I care about guys (apart from my guy friends this heart beats only for one guy, and he's not around anymore). I don't want any new boyfriend, come to take my soul away just like everyone else already did. Al calls this twist of my life as an obsession of girls, she has a point I guess, but there is good reason for it. Just maybe I just want to explore some bit when I'm single anyway, and have nothing to lose. Just maybe I'm tired of living in this delusion, when I could make everything easier for myself.

So, that was that part. Now for everything else, for example my synthetic dreads which are now ordered and paid for (just two weeks away from getting them!). Who cares if my mum doesn't like them? Really? And about art school, who cares if that's not what they would choose, who cares if they don't understand me? Who cares if people I know get married, get children, get houses, grow up, that doesn't mean that I have to.

I feel strangely left behind, like everyone is moving on with their lives and I'm just standing still, it's as though I've lived my entire life already. Nothing changes, nothing major, it's the same thing day after day. Same place I work, same tiny apartment, laundry every Tuesday. Rockstar used to love routines, I hate them, I loathe them. They get me out of balance and depress me. Life should be more than just this, life should be more spontaneous. It should be all, let's do this, let's do that, not care if any friends tag along or not, just do whatever. Just head out for the horizon whenever you feel like it, board an airship, fight some pirates, hunt some treasure (now my novelling mind took over, and a crappy novel it seems to be), do whatever you want, and not care.

I will make it out. I will stall here until summer, until July. Then I'll be out of here, and I won't ever look back. I'm not ever coming back.

POET in the JAR