I have therapy tomorrow and I'm freaking out, just like I do before every session. I drag myself there highly unwillingly, and then one hour just flies by insanely fast and I'm standing there wondering what it was that just happened. And then my heart opens up as if someone turned a tap open and everything simply pours out. I sense already it's gonna make me a mess just going there but I can't afford not to go. I need it. And I can't skip those sessions, not anymore.
Soon it's January 26th, and I'll be trying out my new geeky glasses (picked a 1960's style, huge black framed ones), and what's more than that I'll be paying the girl who is making my dreads. So in just over two weeks you'll see me in dreads and geeky glasses. Maybe then I'd look on the outside the way I feel like, on the inside. I wanna make sure I've got them inserted when it's time to start the uni again later this year. It'd be a nice first impression to make, haha.
I broke down yesterday. Entirely. Spent some four hours doing nothing but crying and feeling like a mess. It was something unexpected, some memory that just soared by I think. It made me just stop and think and wonder what the hell is going on, what the hell I'm doing. I can meet how many people I want, go on tons of dates, my heart still isn't ready. When I go to bed I see his face. It cracks me open, keeps me from falling asleep. He feels real, like he was just close enough to touch. Sometimes, when I'm at the very bottom, I calm myself down with a daydream. Tell myself it will be alright soon. That if only I fall asleep he'll sneak down under the covers and hold me and make all the bad go away. I miss sleeping in his arms.
And simply talking.
I look myself in the mirror, realizing why everyone I write about can't stand their own reflection. My red swollen eyes staring back at me, my dirty hair standing out in all directions, stained glasses in the way of the tears. I understand that he stopped loving me, that perhaps he never did. Perhaps he never knew how to love.
But who would love this wreck of a being anyway?
And again I break down, and again I cry, and it feels like only yesterday that he left.
POET IN THE WATERY JAR
You deserve better than him is a fact. Love deserves love back or the person isn´t worthy. Its what ive taken from my pain. If Love isn´t given both ways it withers and dies painfully tearing one apart. Ive read this page and seen that your a incredably talented and intresting women who any man whould want. And you will find somone worth of your love when you recover from your greif and you feel you can rebuild your heart that seems so great.
ReplyDeleteThank you, I'm just questioning whether when that opportunity comes, will I be able to love in that way again? Will I be able to as honest and unconditional? I feel like the most cynical person in the world. Normally I give so much of myself that it wears me out, but I've become weary after he left. I did the mistake to trust him with my life, and now it feels like I can't trust anyone again, even if that isn't true. ^^ One evidence of that is that I trust my friends with my life and that they haven't given up on me. Now just to get it into my head that I won't be alone forever... that's another thing :)
ReplyDeletedear Bex. If I just had any words to say I would say them. If I just had a way to hug you I would do it. but I´m poor little girl and all I can say is that you´ll make it. :)
ReplyDelete=) <3
ReplyDelete