Gosh, I'm so beyond tired, my eyes... you wouldn't believe how sore. Just came back onto msn just to find that Al had already logged off. Miss you... I'd give so much to have you here with me right now. Just hug. Just be.
We've talked, today. Me and my sis. Wow. We talked everything over. Don't even know when was the last time we both took such time to open up those hearts, open up those taps, and let it pour, let it just pour out, all of it... and we bounced it with eachother, bounced it all on eachother's walls.
Wonderwalls...?
Feels like I'm a bit cleansed somehow, somehow more pure. Hoping it will take a while before the flood comes rushing back in on me again, before I'm struck by the feelings I can't control, that are out of my reach. It feels as though I don't know what the next second will bring, and it frees me in a way that I haven't been free for a long time; but at the same time the next second sometimes comes down on me without mercy, without decency. It just undresses before my eyes, for me to watch and join the ride but I'm not allowed to affect, not allowed to matter.
I'm only here to watch.
And so it is that I can laugh one second and have sore eyes from crying the next, how I can go from bossing in a classroom into shaking in the bathroom because it's all so much, it's so heavy to take. And still I always reply that people are ridiculous, the ones who praise me for my "bravery", that I pull it off. They don't know how far behind I am, or how frozen out I am in my coworker's team. Strange, because all the other teachers from the other teams are just so nice, so friendly, and always help me and answer my questions and they keep on asking me how I'm doing... within my team, there are just (let's face it) older people who simply assume that I am incompetent and who don't take a minute to try and actually teach me something.
I dismiss all this "bravery" that this job is supposed to take, I dismiss what you say of me that I am bold to go through with it and survive, but here's the secret... there's no choice, I have no choice. Either do this job or I'd be halfway to the streets right now.
See the math?
See the logic?
Yeah.
It's not a question of bravery. It's not a question of being strong. I just get up in the morning and go to work and see what the day will bring. Endless days... yet time goes by so quickly.
Woah, deadly tired... I have to go now although my fingers are cramping from not having written the words proper in like, two whole days... but I gotta buy myself some space... (tomorrow I am so skipping the conference, call it planned sickness or whatever you like... it's just not worth it with the team I'm in and the short amount of time I'll be there...)
Woah, goodnight, says
Yours Truly
Poet in the Jar
:/ Damn, I'm sorry you feel that way, hon.. But don't give up, don't let the others, especially the ones that are on your team get to you. It seems to me that they are intimidated by you more than thinking you are imcompetent. I mean, you are a lot younger than them, you can connect better with your students. And as you improve yourself at your job, you'll just start to make them look bad, don't you know that teachers can be as self-seeking as the students are sometimes? xD And even more if you ask me.. :P I know that you have a lot to give to your students and I'm sure that you feel the greatest feeling in the world when you understand that you passed sth onto them. Teaching is like the best. ^^ Of course you'll have your weak moments, but in time I know that you'll get over that too, just try to hang in there. :)
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm happy that you finally got to talk through everything with your sis, it's not healthy piling everything up in you, you know. :S
Also, sorry you missed me yesterday, if I had known you were gonna come back, I'd stick around for a lot longer.. I wish I could be there with you too, I know a hug would make the world's difference.. I love you, hon, try not to worry too much about everything.. <3
Al I think you just broke the record of longest comment. Ever. ^^ :D Aww I know all this... I'm doing my best to hang in there you know? =) Don't worry too much, I'll always manage my way round things somehow. Some time.
ReplyDeleteBut you're warming my heart with everything you took such time and care to write. You're just gorgeous <3
Shine on little star :***
Awwwww! :** I didn't even notice it was that long. xD xD I just hoped to help you feel better in some way. ^^ Älskar dig. <33
ReplyDeleteGood that everything could pour out. Good that you could empty your well of troubles. Hopefully things stay decent, hopefully they get better.
ReplyDeleteAlong with making you feel incompetent, your not, its just that your team mates have been around so long they expect everyone to have their experience, their knowledge. Its wrong and its foolish but thats likely how it is, you'll find your own way soon enough Bex, if you look for help in friendlier folk then you'll just do better and better.
Also, i'm going to my cabin all weekend, i'll be back Monday, missya Bex!!!
(Missya Allie!!!!)
Awwww Raves I'll miss you too! :/
ReplyDeleteDamn, I'm sure things'll all work out in the end, we all have bad days and good days. Today I'll just feel happy that it's one of my good days. The bad days I'll just come here and vent and listen to you guys advicing me and maybe in a way that day will then turn better already.
Thanks fellas. <3