The first night'll be the worst night.
Then it settles and I'll be fine, like.
When the meteorite crosses the sky'n'strikes,
an empty crater's all you'll see behind.
You won't know what hit you
'til it's gone away and died.
And if you wanna see it flare again,
well I'll be glad to see you try.
Smash the craters to fill your holes,
and go bargaining over the price of your soul,
shoot your demons in the chest so you'll get
the chance to grow, though you know.
Whatever you do it won't make us flare,
if you stare at the sky the stars won't be there.
A passionate sky doesn't get revived,
there just aint no forcing of a meteorite.
________________________________
Wednesday, August 22
Monday, August 20
My Ruby Gone Missing
Right. So this is it. He's gone.
And I dunno what to say. I feel really sad, of course. But at the same time... there's like, a glimmer of hope in me. Like, it's gonna be tons more fun to see him on Thursday.
Yeah I know... I'm being ridiculous, making such a fuzz over him being gone, when I'll see him in another two and a half days, or whatever it is. But this is just the start. After this, who knows how much my Ruby'll be gone? I just hope we don't slide apart with all this.
Anyway, like I told him, it'll be fun, we could go dating again, be more like a dating couple. I've always wanted to date him proper. Before it's just been us livin together, not that much of hanging out on Fridays and stuff. I think I'd kinda like that.
Well, let's just do this and see where it takes us.
Dunno what else to say.
And I dunno what to say. I feel really sad, of course. But at the same time... there's like, a glimmer of hope in me. Like, it's gonna be tons more fun to see him on Thursday.
Yeah I know... I'm being ridiculous, making such a fuzz over him being gone, when I'll see him in another two and a half days, or whatever it is. But this is just the start. After this, who knows how much my Ruby'll be gone? I just hope we don't slide apart with all this.
Anyway, like I told him, it'll be fun, we could go dating again, be more like a dating couple. I've always wanted to date him proper. Before it's just been us livin together, not that much of hanging out on Fridays and stuff. I think I'd kinda like that.
Well, let's just do this and see where it takes us.
Dunno what else to say.
Sunday, August 19
Train Of Thoughts
Turns out, Nikki aint out until Monday, after all. He'll take the bus down to Gothenburg, or the train, or just walk, or something. And I spoke to Mum and it seems I'm going home to Mum and Dad's for a while. Couple days, nothing special. Probably do some laundry and stuff, while complaining about the lack of reception and non-existant Internet. But it'll be nice, though. Just stay at home for a while. Yeah, I like the thought of it.
Gee, Monday. That's tomorrow. And I'll be with Nikki again this weekend, most probably.
You know, there's a part of me that thinks this is all for the better and everything. If we move apart like this, spend the weekends together and stuff, I can start finding myself again, I can be stronger, like, all that stuff I've been going on about for ages. All that stuff that makes me want a place of my own, you know. But then there's this Doom's Day kinda part of me that's thinking, what are we doing, this'll just take us further apart, damnit, I'm so used to having Nikki around that it's gonna be like an empty space in me when he's gone. Maybe in the long run it might be better, yeah. And this is exactly what I'm trying to tell Nikki, that I think this might be best in the long run, but that doesn't make it any less tough at this very moment. He's gonna start a new life now, and stuff. And I'm just carrying on with my old life, like.
I want things to change, but I'm scared of it.
I'll just get accustomed to things. See how it works out, right? And then I'll change.
Then, I'll change things. See if maybe I can be happy somehow.
This is what's been said, this is what you hear.
This is The Poet in the Jar Diaries.
Gee, Monday. That's tomorrow. And I'll be with Nikki again this weekend, most probably.
You know, there's a part of me that thinks this is all for the better and everything. If we move apart like this, spend the weekends together and stuff, I can start finding myself again, I can be stronger, like, all that stuff I've been going on about for ages. All that stuff that makes me want a place of my own, you know. But then there's this Doom's Day kinda part of me that's thinking, what are we doing, this'll just take us further apart, damnit, I'm so used to having Nikki around that it's gonna be like an empty space in me when he's gone. Maybe in the long run it might be better, yeah. And this is exactly what I'm trying to tell Nikki, that I think this might be best in the long run, but that doesn't make it any less tough at this very moment. He's gonna start a new life now, and stuff. And I'm just carrying on with my old life, like.
I want things to change, but I'm scared of it.
I'll just get accustomed to things. See how it works out, right? And then I'll change.
Then, I'll change things. See if maybe I can be happy somehow.
This is what's been said, this is what you hear.
This is The Poet in the Jar Diaries.
Saturday, August 18
Thoughts From The Trampoline
Here's me at Trägår'n yesterday. That newly purchased hat of mine, that I'm wearing in this pic, well, I think that was the most popular of the evening, judging by the way it was passed from hand to hand, or should I say, head to head, ha, ha. Too bad the pic doesn't show my shoes. I really love those shoes. Anyway, for those of you who weren't there, I can tell that the smile I'm having here is a slight drunken one. Or, allright, that's a bit of an understatement. It's a very drunken smile, and it got worse. There are bits and pieces of last night that I don't even remember. Like, Nikki says I fell asleep on the sofa when we got home. But when I woke up this morning, we were both sleeping in the bed. Other than that, I've heard that there were stuff said about me and done to me that I don't remember, and I don't know if I should believe it or not. Who's objective enough to tell me the truth? Gee, I kinda wish I'd had a little mini-cam buzzing over my right shoulder, taping everything, and then I could just look it through and see for myself, and just get rid of it. Yeah, that would'ave been freakin' awesome.Overall though, guess I gotta admit it was quite a good party, not counting the possible misdemeanours. Well, a pretty damn good party, actually. It'll make me happy for a while to know that we brought these people together and that it worked out so well. After all.
One thing is it that's making me feel a little sad right now. Pretty sad. It's that Nikki's probably leaving as soon as tomorrow, while we both thought he would stay until Monday. His school starts Tuesday, so... I would'ave thought he'd at least stay til Monday. Well, well. Maybe it's for the better. I can go home and stay with my folks for a couple of days, I would really love that. I really miss staying at home. It'd be nice to just lie on the trampoline, read some Harry Potter, get some sun... It'll be like enjoying an actual summer's holiday. I think I'll do that. I can check with Grandma if she can drop by here and feed the cat like, once a day.
I'm gonna call Mum right away and check if it's allright. Then we'll see if we'll drop by that gig tonight. Hugs and kisses folks, and thanks for a nice night out yesterday!
August 19th edit: Got some more pics from Friday, wanna see?
These three were all shot by our beloved photographer Danny.
Jessi and Myself.
Apparently something is very funny?
Ha, ha.
Me, in a very doubtful shot. Not too fond of seeing my profile like this. Anyway, I wonder more why Nisse is so curious about my cider? Could it be that he wants to steal it?
Aaawww, what a pretty trio:
Danny, Sofia and Jessi.
I wonder where I was when this was taken? Mohaha.
Thursday, August 16
The Banana Fly Colony
Darkness sinks itself upon Coppercoin Street 30. Time ticks slowly past the number 12 on the kitchen clock. Both arms, pointing straight up. That means it's night. Late.
And in apartment 90, the Poet is still up. Still standing strong. Fixing things. Mending them. Taking care of stuff that should'ave been fixed ages ago. Might as well do them now as any other time. And why not? She's awake, isn't she? So what if the Ruby's gone to sleep? He aint supposed to help her out anyhow. It's her turn to fix. Fix and mend. So she does.
Weirdly enough, things almost shine around the apartment. Rise and shine. Cause all of a sudden, the Poet's been struck by some kind of cleaning mania. Clean one room no longer means, pick up the dirty clothes on the floor. It means: pick up everything that is lying around. Sort and throw out with the trash. Move the remaining things to the next room. Spray, wipe, hoover, mop the floors. Wait til it's dry. Move the stuff back in, carpet on, and tadaa! Look how nice it looks. Well, with the existing conditions in consideration, snapping a shot of this home could almost earn you a place in the upcoming IKEA catalogue.
Wonder how long that'll last.
The most challenging thing so far has been trying to find out where all the banana flies come from. Seems they've built themselves some kind of colony somewhere. Most likely in the kitchen. It's had a funny smell lately, but the Poet's just figured it's the trash. Should take it out. But when she's done that, the smell is still present. So it's just down to tracking your old hunting instincts up, putting the rubber gloves on, and dig in.
The kitchen has now been transformed into a jungle. There are dangers everywhere, and possibly booby traps. Gotta be careful where you put your foot around here, and where you stop to rest. The Poet smells and sniffs. Looks around for a sign of the fly colony. Hmm... there's one. A banana fly. Tiny one, but still. If it's just been hatched, it should be staying pretty close to home, as not to get lost. The Poet pulls her ears back and starts sneaking. Slowly... don't want to wake anything. She lifts a leaf or two, looking under them. No success. This part of the jungle is still to clean to holster anything that would make them flies hatch like that. Moving on.
The Poet takes a deep breath. Never has she been so far away from home, and never has the jungle been so intimidating. Cause she's closing in now. She prepares herself with her secret weapon. Steps closer. Holding her breath. Another banana fly half-heartedly soars by. Dozing... means it's just had its meal. Should be very, very close by now...
And suddenly...
There...
There it is.
The Poet hurriedly covers her eyes for protection from the horror ahead. The nest is huge! Greenish, greyish, sort of spots all over it, and in and out of it, the banana flies are zooming, feeding from the long lost life of what has provided them a home, the long lost life of...
Spaghetti. Is that really what it is?
The Poet awkwardly steps closer to inspect, and seconds later, she confirms. This has once been a spaghetti bowl, ages and ages ago. Unrecognizable now, of course. Hostile, to anyone but the weather-beaten (oh yes. The Poet looked the word up. It is, believe it or not, how it is actually said.) rejects of society - the banana flies. It is a dangerous place to stick around at for too long, even for someone as experienced in kitchen fighting as the Poet. Something needs to be done, and quickly. The flies must be diverted... so that an attack can be directed strictly at the heart of their nest. That should finish them and keep them away, at least for the most immediate of future.
Dramatically gesturing, The Poet rushes towards the nest, shouting an own-composed war jingle while she does it, and the surprise element of her attack actually scares off most of the flies. But she is very well aware, that they won't be gone for long. They will see through her diversion, and the next step of her plan, and return with backup. Bigger... nastier... banana flies. She must act quickly, very quickly, in order to save herself from this cruel fate.
The Poet raises her secret weapon, flings herself forwards to the nauseating nest in her attempt to neutralize this disturbing threat, her weapon is raised to the very maximum height possible, she must act now, act now, save us, save us all from the flies...!
The Poet squeezes the trigger...
The former spaghetti bowl is slowly being covered in washing-up liquid. The foam is rising to the edges of the bowl. Then the Poet flips over the bowl, most of the nest goes down the drain. The rest she scoops up and throws in the trash can. Empties the trash can, takes out the trash, heads back inside.
In the jungle, things are quite still again. And not a banana fly to be seen.
All thanks to the heroic efforts of THE POET IN THE JAR. Thank you for reading this far...
And in apartment 90, the Poet is still up. Still standing strong. Fixing things. Mending them. Taking care of stuff that should'ave been fixed ages ago. Might as well do them now as any other time. And why not? She's awake, isn't she? So what if the Ruby's gone to sleep? He aint supposed to help her out anyhow. It's her turn to fix. Fix and mend. So she does.
Weirdly enough, things almost shine around the apartment. Rise and shine. Cause all of a sudden, the Poet's been struck by some kind of cleaning mania. Clean one room no longer means, pick up the dirty clothes on the floor. It means: pick up everything that is lying around. Sort and throw out with the trash. Move the remaining things to the next room. Spray, wipe, hoover, mop the floors. Wait til it's dry. Move the stuff back in, carpet on, and tadaa! Look how nice it looks. Well, with the existing conditions in consideration, snapping a shot of this home could almost earn you a place in the upcoming IKEA catalogue.
Wonder how long that'll last.
The most challenging thing so far has been trying to find out where all the banana flies come from. Seems they've built themselves some kind of colony somewhere. Most likely in the kitchen. It's had a funny smell lately, but the Poet's just figured it's the trash. Should take it out. But when she's done that, the smell is still present. So it's just down to tracking your old hunting instincts up, putting the rubber gloves on, and dig in.
The kitchen has now been transformed into a jungle. There are dangers everywhere, and possibly booby traps. Gotta be careful where you put your foot around here, and where you stop to rest. The Poet smells and sniffs. Looks around for a sign of the fly colony. Hmm... there's one. A banana fly. Tiny one, but still. If it's just been hatched, it should be staying pretty close to home, as not to get lost. The Poet pulls her ears back and starts sneaking. Slowly... don't want to wake anything. She lifts a leaf or two, looking under them. No success. This part of the jungle is still to clean to holster anything that would make them flies hatch like that. Moving on.
The Poet takes a deep breath. Never has she been so far away from home, and never has the jungle been so intimidating. Cause she's closing in now. She prepares herself with her secret weapon. Steps closer. Holding her breath. Another banana fly half-heartedly soars by. Dozing... means it's just had its meal. Should be very, very close by now...
And suddenly...
There...
There it is.
The Poet hurriedly covers her eyes for protection from the horror ahead. The nest is huge! Greenish, greyish, sort of spots all over it, and in and out of it, the banana flies are zooming, feeding from the long lost life of what has provided them a home, the long lost life of...
Spaghetti. Is that really what it is?
The Poet awkwardly steps closer to inspect, and seconds later, she confirms. This has once been a spaghetti bowl, ages and ages ago. Unrecognizable now, of course. Hostile, to anyone but the weather-beaten (oh yes. The Poet looked the word up. It is, believe it or not, how it is actually said.) rejects of society - the banana flies. It is a dangerous place to stick around at for too long, even for someone as experienced in kitchen fighting as the Poet. Something needs to be done, and quickly. The flies must be diverted... so that an attack can be directed strictly at the heart of their nest. That should finish them and keep them away, at least for the most immediate of future.
Dramatically gesturing, The Poet rushes towards the nest, shouting an own-composed war jingle while she does it, and the surprise element of her attack actually scares off most of the flies. But she is very well aware, that they won't be gone for long. They will see through her diversion, and the next step of her plan, and return with backup. Bigger... nastier... banana flies. She must act quickly, very quickly, in order to save herself from this cruel fate.
The Poet raises her secret weapon, flings herself forwards to the nauseating nest in her attempt to neutralize this disturbing threat, her weapon is raised to the very maximum height possible, she must act now, act now, save us, save us all from the flies...!
The Poet squeezes the trigger...
The former spaghetti bowl is slowly being covered in washing-up liquid. The foam is rising to the edges of the bowl. Then the Poet flips over the bowl, most of the nest goes down the drain. The rest she scoops up and throws in the trash can. Empties the trash can, takes out the trash, heads back inside.
In the jungle, things are quite still again. And not a banana fly to be seen.
All thanks to the heroic efforts of THE POET IN THE JAR. Thank you for reading this far...
Wednesday, August 15
Transparent, Like
Wii, seems there'll be quite a few people dropping by here on Friday. It's been a while since we had a big-size party at our place, so it'll be nice to do one real properly before Nikki leaves. Nikki said he wanted to have a good-bye-party, but I said NO to that. It'll just be an ordinary party, I don't want any official goodbyes, it's tough enough as it is already. I just think we don't have to make a big fuzz of it, that's all.
Things are starting to look up by some reason. I met with an old friend from upper secondary school today, and I kinda thought it would feel weird or something. Just because of the whole thing, you know? But it was really nice, I wanna see her again soon, actually. Guess we've all changed a lot since then, you can't expect everyone to be like they were, in some cases that's good and in others it aint. Some people stay the same all a while, and you can just see straight through them, they're transparent, like. Cause you know how they were then and they act just the same now. That lot of people, I don't wanna hang with now. I gotta be with people that matter to me, that I choose. You know, when you went to school you found your pals after like two weeks, and then you spent three years hanging out with the same old people. Maybe it's because it's hard to just jump out of a group and try another one when you're established in the first, maybe it's because it feels safe to stay with them people. You don't know what would happen if you hung with someone else, or rather, you don't know how to start being with other people. You know, "change is bad", and all that stuff. But when you think about it, a lot of the changes that's been in my life have been for the better. When we left upper secondary school I thought I was doomed, I had my sister's words "It'll never be this good again! You will never have this many friends again! So don't waste your time!" still ringing in my ears, even on the happy day of graduation. And it turns out, a lot of the people I've met after that, are better friends to me than any of the old pack ever were. I don't mean to discredit all you guys. A lot of you are awesome. It aint nothing to do with you, it's just that I'm trying to say I never took the chance to get to know you lot properly, and therefore, naturally, I find it better the way it is now. Logical, innit? Well, that's what I figure.
It'll be nice to see you faces dropping by on Friday folks, so don't turn down. I'll put you on the guest list so you can pass the guards, ha, ha.
EXCITING! RAVISHING! EXTRAORDINARY! says the Poet in the Jar.
(Adds in whisper: Well, only scrubbing the bathtub left before doing the dishes...)
Things are starting to look up by some reason. I met with an old friend from upper secondary school today, and I kinda thought it would feel weird or something. Just because of the whole thing, you know? But it was really nice, I wanna see her again soon, actually. Guess we've all changed a lot since then, you can't expect everyone to be like they were, in some cases that's good and in others it aint. Some people stay the same all a while, and you can just see straight through them, they're transparent, like. Cause you know how they were then and they act just the same now. That lot of people, I don't wanna hang with now. I gotta be with people that matter to me, that I choose. You know, when you went to school you found your pals after like two weeks, and then you spent three years hanging out with the same old people. Maybe it's because it's hard to just jump out of a group and try another one when you're established in the first, maybe it's because it feels safe to stay with them people. You don't know what would happen if you hung with someone else, or rather, you don't know how to start being with other people. You know, "change is bad", and all that stuff. But when you think about it, a lot of the changes that's been in my life have been for the better. When we left upper secondary school I thought I was doomed, I had my sister's words "It'll never be this good again! You will never have this many friends again! So don't waste your time!" still ringing in my ears, even on the happy day of graduation. And it turns out, a lot of the people I've met after that, are better friends to me than any of the old pack ever were. I don't mean to discredit all you guys. A lot of you are awesome. It aint nothing to do with you, it's just that I'm trying to say I never took the chance to get to know you lot properly, and therefore, naturally, I find it better the way it is now. Logical, innit? Well, that's what I figure.
It'll be nice to see you faces dropping by on Friday folks, so don't turn down. I'll put you on the guest list so you can pass the guards, ha, ha.
EXCITING! RAVISHING! EXTRAORDINARY! says the Poet in the Jar.
(Adds in whisper: Well, only scrubbing the bathtub left before doing the dishes...)
Tuesday, August 14
Three Cheers For My Emerging Living Room
I'm tidying this place up, and slowly the outline of an actual living room is starting to emerge under all the mess. I'll finish stuff up tomorrow. Woke up so late that it aint hardly any use to fix it cause we're heading off for the movies soon enough as it is. Well, anyway, that's the best excuse I can think of, ha, ha. I even volunteered to give Nikki a massage (well, a lot more joy than trouble, as much as I love cuddling with him).
Hope this weather stays put, I'd love to go on that boat trip someday soon. If it rains, yeah, and I'm done with the cleaning, I'll head for the museum and check out some art. Been a while since I been there, and you know, you gotta keep your cultural aspiration in trim.
See you around. Maybe at the museum? Cheers.
THREE CHEERS, says the POET in the JAR.
Hope this weather stays put, I'd love to go on that boat trip someday soon. If it rains, yeah, and I'm done with the cleaning, I'll head for the museum and check out some art. Been a while since I been there, and you know, you gotta keep your cultural aspiration in trim.
See you around. Maybe at the museum? Cheers.
THREE CHEERS, says the POET in the JAR.
Monday, August 13
Shadow Of My Own
Darkness, I'll carry you.
You weigh more than you used to,
you must have grown.
I thought I could use you to chase away good,
but I misunderstood.
I should have known.
Illoyal darkness won't block the light
that lines the shadow
of my own.
_____________________________
And there it is. So sudden. Like a bolt of lightning striking from a clear blue sky... well, that oughta make me the meteorologist. Course I saw it coming, we've talked about it like a thousand times, and we agreed... we agreed it was best. And most likely, it still is.
So why this? Why these feelings, why these tears?
Why this sense of upcoming doom?
Counting from tomorrow, Nikki's officially no longer my roomie. He's picking up the key for his sister's apartment and by next week... he'll be gone.
I know this aint the end of the world, it's not like we're never gonna see eachother no more. He'll be at his sister's, I'll be staying here 'til I find a smaller apartment. If I wanna see him, I can go to him whenever I want. Some days he'll come to sleep here and we'll head for school together next day. I dunno, maybe it'd be better if he wasn't going to live with his sis, you know? It's not as if I can just come crash at their place if I feel like it, as would be the case if he was moving somewhere of his own. But yeah, I get the problem. I've tried to find some place to live in Gothenburg, but if you're looking for a first-hand contract like me, the queue is like 45 months. Yeay, see you there, like. Guess I know now why I've chosen to stick around this place, least while I keep looking. Sure, I'd love to find something in Gothenburg, anywhere would be better than this place, and damnit, I thought I would be one of the first to get my ass outta here, and I'm still hanging around, still dangling my feet over the same crippled water... I took this flat cause I was desperate for a place to stay, and I was just gonna stay here til I found something better. But I've lived here for over a year now, and still I aint found nothing else. Maybe I aint been looking that much til now, or maybe I just haven't thought about it as much as now... but everyone's leaving.
And I bet I'll still be stuck here when I'm done with school. In three and a half years. Kippie yeay...
I'm really holding my thumbs to have Jessi move in to town, that would make things a hundred times better. The way it is now, Elle's leaving for Australia, Nikki's leaving for Gothenburg, Johnny's off for Linköping, my sister's in Stockholm... all these places, they might be no better or worse than this place. But still. It would be nice if you could spend some more time actually studying without worrying about getting home and how tired you'll be when you do.
How the hell am I gonna manage another year of this? Another year of exhaustion and anxiety and sleeping on buses and staying awake til 3 in the morning to send in essays in time...
Well. Guess I'm just gonna enjoy my, what is it again, total of 10 days off before hell starts over again on the 23rd.
NIGHTIE from the POET in the JAR
PS. Got a really nice compliment for something I've written today. Made me blush all the way out to the fingertips, ha, ha. DS.
You weigh more than you used to,
you must have grown.
I thought I could use you to chase away good,
but I misunderstood.
I should have known.
Illoyal darkness won't block the light
that lines the shadow
of my own.
_____________________________
And there it is. So sudden. Like a bolt of lightning striking from a clear blue sky... well, that oughta make me the meteorologist. Course I saw it coming, we've talked about it like a thousand times, and we agreed... we agreed it was best. And most likely, it still is.
So why this? Why these feelings, why these tears?
Why this sense of upcoming doom?
Counting from tomorrow, Nikki's officially no longer my roomie. He's picking up the key for his sister's apartment and by next week... he'll be gone.
I know this aint the end of the world, it's not like we're never gonna see eachother no more. He'll be at his sister's, I'll be staying here 'til I find a smaller apartment. If I wanna see him, I can go to him whenever I want. Some days he'll come to sleep here and we'll head for school together next day. I dunno, maybe it'd be better if he wasn't going to live with his sis, you know? It's not as if I can just come crash at their place if I feel like it, as would be the case if he was moving somewhere of his own. But yeah, I get the problem. I've tried to find some place to live in Gothenburg, but if you're looking for a first-hand contract like me, the queue is like 45 months. Yeay, see you there, like. Guess I know now why I've chosen to stick around this place, least while I keep looking. Sure, I'd love to find something in Gothenburg, anywhere would be better than this place, and damnit, I thought I would be one of the first to get my ass outta here, and I'm still hanging around, still dangling my feet over the same crippled water... I took this flat cause I was desperate for a place to stay, and I was just gonna stay here til I found something better. But I've lived here for over a year now, and still I aint found nothing else. Maybe I aint been looking that much til now, or maybe I just haven't thought about it as much as now... but everyone's leaving.
And I bet I'll still be stuck here when I'm done with school. In three and a half years. Kippie yeay...
I'm really holding my thumbs to have Jessi move in to town, that would make things a hundred times better. The way it is now, Elle's leaving for Australia, Nikki's leaving for Gothenburg, Johnny's off for Linköping, my sister's in Stockholm... all these places, they might be no better or worse than this place. But still. It would be nice if you could spend some more time actually studying without worrying about getting home and how tired you'll be when you do.
How the hell am I gonna manage another year of this? Another year of exhaustion and anxiety and sleeping on buses and staying awake til 3 in the morning to send in essays in time...
Well. Guess I'm just gonna enjoy my, what is it again, total of 10 days off before hell starts over again on the 23rd.
NIGHTIE from the POET in the JAR
PS. Got a really nice compliment for something I've written today. Made me blush all the way out to the fingertips, ha, ha. DS.
Companions
How is it that you suddenly hear from all those people you'd almost forgotten about and who you thought had forgotten all about you? Well, I sure as hell aint complaining, but still. Plain curiosity. Why do folks do this? The cynical and kind of suspicious little part of me immediately goes thinking, what is it that they want this time? Cause of course, it wouldn't be because of such trivial reasons as, "it's been a while", "we should catch up with things", or even, "I miss you" - but because of more commonly distributed reasons as "I'm calling you because everyone else was busy". It might just be me. It might just be my head, but if, say, a cat you once loved that got lost chasing squirrels one day, would suddenly reappear - I think you'd be entitled to ask yourself the question why it's come back. Or at least where it's been and what it's been doing while it's been anywhere but where you've been. And if that little cat, now all grown-up of course, came back and asked you to love it again - would you? Would it be easy to just fall into your old self and embrace the creature without questioning... or would you remind yourself of how happy you been since you realized life's much more free and un-homebound without the responsibility you had to take to care for that pet? Well, once you've gotten over the mourning of losing it, that is. I mean, think about it. You don't have to go home to feed it. You don't have to spend time with it and cuddle with it and take care of all its problems when you always wish you could be doing something else. I guess it's simply the way that some pets are good, and some aint. Some will comfort you and support you all your life, and be your companions more than they are your pets. Other pets will be craving, demanding, sucking all the energy out of you, and soon they've turned you into their pet rather than the other way around.
So go on, little cat! Run away, chase the squirrels, try out what it's like to be free for a while! But when you realize there's no gold at the end of the rainbow, please, don't come crawling to me again. Cause I've got new ones. Pets, not really. More like companions.
More like actual friends.
So go on, little cat! Run away, chase the squirrels, try out what it's like to be free for a while! But when you realize there's no gold at the end of the rainbow, please, don't come crawling to me again. Cause I've got new ones. Pets, not really. More like companions.
More like actual friends.
Sunday, August 12
The Poet's Set Free
The Poet's been set free, wii!
From today and on, except a few Friday mornings before school starts again, I am completely relieved from working! This autumn, all I'll be working is two Saturdays a month. And basically, that schedule is from now on, so until September, I can enjoy some well-earned vacation. So far this summer, I haven't had more than two days in a row off, I've been working two different jobs, starting right after school ended in spring, so it really feels as if I deserve this. Well, if I let myself have a qualified guess, I'll be climbing the walls within the week, ha ha.
Since today was the first day of my so-called vacation, I figured it would be nice to head out for a little shopping spree, and this is what it resulted in: an awesome black vest, two pairs of shoes (one pair of Converse copies, like, and one pair of ballerina shoes, black and white), a grey top, a black gangster hat, four movies (two for my sis)... yeah... that's about it, I think. I think Jessi found almost as many goodies, too. (When you read this, thanks for an ass-kicking shopping day!)
Think I'm gonna show all that stuff to Nikki now, I'll probably drop by tomorrow and say hi.
Behave, fella's, says the POET in the JAR.
From today and on, except a few Friday mornings before school starts again, I am completely relieved from working! This autumn, all I'll be working is two Saturdays a month. And basically, that schedule is from now on, so until September, I can enjoy some well-earned vacation. So far this summer, I haven't had more than two days in a row off, I've been working two different jobs, starting right after school ended in spring, so it really feels as if I deserve this. Well, if I let myself have a qualified guess, I'll be climbing the walls within the week, ha ha.
Since today was the first day of my so-called vacation, I figured it would be nice to head out for a little shopping spree, and this is what it resulted in: an awesome black vest, two pairs of shoes (one pair of Converse copies, like, and one pair of ballerina shoes, black and white), a grey top, a black gangster hat, four movies (two for my sis)... yeah... that's about it, I think. I think Jessi found almost as many goodies, too. (When you read this, thanks for an ass-kicking shopping day!)
Think I'm gonna show all that stuff to Nikki now, I'll probably drop by tomorrow and say hi.
Behave, fella's, says the POET in the JAR.
Thursday, August 9
You're A Puff Of Air (Why Don't You Fly Me By?)
You're a puff of air,
why don't you fly me by?
Why do you linger in a lock of my hair?
I'm sure you'd find more pleasure in puffing
your puffs in the kite over there?
You can't fly me like you fly them toys,
or make me as happy as you make them boys,
so go chasing the clouds where ever you see,
and be happy and live,
cause I've rid you
of me.
why don't you fly me by?
Why do you linger in a lock of my hair?
I'm sure you'd find more pleasure in puffing
your puffs in the kite over there?
You can't fly me like you fly them toys,
or make me as happy as you make them boys,
so go chasing the clouds where ever you see,
and be happy and live,
cause I've rid you
of me.
Wednesday, August 8
Hold Me Away
Paint me an image
of whatever you see
and sing me a symphony
so only I can hear.
Make me a feeling
that is just about me.
Make me a feeling
that is just about me.
Whisper your symphony
so it reaches my ears.
And just hold me.
You may.
Just hold me
away.
___________________________
Feels as though I got a thousand things to say, but when I open my mouth to tell it, or spread my fingers to type it, out comes nothing. Probably cause I'm tired. Please do with this poem while I rest my senses, folks. Night.
of whatever you see
and sing me a symphony
so only I can hear.
Make me a feeling
that is just about me.
Make me a feeling
that is just about me.
Whisper your symphony
so it reaches my ears.
And just hold me.
You may.
Just hold me
away.
___________________________
Feels as though I got a thousand things to say, but when I open my mouth to tell it, or spread my fingers to type it, out comes nothing. Probably cause I'm tired. Please do with this poem while I rest my senses, folks. Night.
Tuesday, August 7
Tales From The Crystal Orb
I've learnt to live on fragments,
Shattered pieces of my dreams
I know how to get by
Lost in thoughts is how you get by
All the crystal orb will tell you
Is a shattered image of your life
I could have helped you get by
Beats me you made up your mind
And I don't know
Just why I do
But I might be loving your memory
More than I ever loved you
Thoughts of yesterday won't feed me
Of that I'm sure to agree but still
How's it that they make me hungry?
Lure me with water leave me thirsty
All the crystal orb will tell me
Is a shattered image of my life
You could have helped me get by
You were the darkest red but I
been colour blind...
And I don't know
Just why I do
But I might be loving your memory
More than I ever loved you
_________________________________
The warmest of greetings from the Poet in the Jar
Who asked me to post this lyric for her
Shattered pieces of my dreams
I know how to get by
Lost in thoughts is how you get by
All the crystal orb will tell you
Is a shattered image of your life
I could have helped you get by
Beats me you made up your mind
And I don't know
Just why I do
But I might be loving your memory
More than I ever loved you
Thoughts of yesterday won't feed me
Of that I'm sure to agree but still
How's it that they make me hungry?
Lure me with water leave me thirsty
All the crystal orb will tell me
Is a shattered image of my life
You could have helped me get by
You were the darkest red but I
been colour blind...
And I don't know
Just why I do
But I might be loving your memory
More than I ever loved you
_________________________________
The warmest of greetings from the Poet in the Jar
Who asked me to post this lyric for her
Monday, August 6
The Very Last Butterfly
Here it is! Finally! The painting of the angel with doll and her replica, in completed form. They gather around the silhouette of a butterfly. The fluttering little creature looks so lonely, surrounded by its purple, vague glow, but still, it gives me the feeling of hope, cause it's stubborn, keeps flying on. I imagine that's why the angels came to see it.The very last butterfly.
Sunday, August 5
The Safe
And here's Captain, signing in again, as to not disappoint you guys with seldom posting. Now, let me defend myself and say that the hours I didn't spend at work this week, I've spent doing very much Jiggery-Pokery stuff, like at least one activity a day. Outdoors, even! All without alcohol, yeay! Well, if you don't count yesterday, I guess... but that was an exception. Besides, that was like the perfect level of drunkness, happy and a little oozy, but not feeling sick. My head's aching a little bit today, though, and in a strange way, I'm having an unexplainable desire to eat yoghurt. Someone tell me how that is? Ha, ha. All in all, I figure it was an unusually nice evening out, met a lot of folks I like and had a lot of fun with 'em. People - I love you!
I told Nikki about the safe I got inside my head the other day. You know, you got this place inside you, and whenever you feel like you're going to be sad, you just put all your sad thoughts and feelings in there and turn the key. And then, when you know you got them in a safe place, you can think of other things and be happy about it, cause you know you aint losing anything, you're just replacing them, for a better time. Well, he didn't react the way I woulda wanted him to, like. I think he thinks I'm manipulating my own mind, or something. But for me it aint nothing else but a way to channelize my thoughts, a way to deal with them, so that I'm more consistently the funnier-to-be part of me.
I wrote this little piece of something the other day and thought it sounded good when I sang it, but when I was gonna write it down, it was like it just faded away from me and I forgot what I wanted to say with it as well as how it was that I wanted to say it. But, here goes, before I forget completely. Feel free to make suggestions.
I hate how you are perfect when I got all these flaws
You would never step aside but for me
it happens from time to time
It happens that I slip while you know everything
about me, but still you are the one I see
when I dream
I'm sorry I can't be perfect but I miss you
Don't it matter? Don't it matter?
I'm sorry I can't be perfect but I love you
Don't it matter? Don't it matter?
I told Nikki about the safe I got inside my head the other day. You know, you got this place inside you, and whenever you feel like you're going to be sad, you just put all your sad thoughts and feelings in there and turn the key. And then, when you know you got them in a safe place, you can think of other things and be happy about it, cause you know you aint losing anything, you're just replacing them, for a better time. Well, he didn't react the way I woulda wanted him to, like. I think he thinks I'm manipulating my own mind, or something. But for me it aint nothing else but a way to channelize my thoughts, a way to deal with them, so that I'm more consistently the funnier-to-be part of me.
I wrote this little piece of something the other day and thought it sounded good when I sang it, but when I was gonna write it down, it was like it just faded away from me and I forgot what I wanted to say with it as well as how it was that I wanted to say it. But, here goes, before I forget completely. Feel free to make suggestions.
I hate how you are perfect when I got all these flaws
You would never step aside but for me
it happens from time to time
It happens that I slip while you know everything
about me, but still you are the one I see
when I dream
I'm sorry I can't be perfect but I miss you
Don't it matter? Don't it matter?
I'm sorry I can't be perfect but I love you
Don't it matter? Don't it matter?
Tuesday, July 31
Misinterpretation
No wonder she never comes out. Jiggery-Pokery, I mean. Every time she tries there's always someone disapproving, someone minding, just cause they can't stand someone living stuff out, just cause they're too bitter to take some silly jokes coming. Why do people have to, like, mind all the time? Why can't we just laugh together and have a go at eachother, on an all friendly-like level, without thinking too much 'bout what we're saying or what we're doing? Seems impossible to find folks like that, folks that are okay with stuff, like. Now everyone's so posh, you can't have a good laugh, cause people just misinterpret you all the time, think you're being serious about things. Some folks don't understand her, but I love her, and people keeps dragging her down, keep weighing on her, so she loses so much of herself along the way. It's a shame, really.
I've finished the painting with the angels! Finally! I thought I'd bring it to work tomorrow so I can scan it and post. Don't have the blessing of a scanner in the house, which is a shame, cause it sure comes in handy. I'm gonna try and get my hands on one cheap, cause I'd really need a printer for when I get back to school, and the scanner part of it, well, that would just be for fun.
Nebula, it aches in me when I think of how soon it is that you'll be gone. I know that's your spirit, your whole being, that a soul like yours can't be trapped in a place like this... this forgotten and cold place at the far end of the world. And I know you won't be coming back, not here, even if you would come back to this country. This place is too small for you. And honestly, I wish I was like you. I'm always talking about how I wanna be free, how I'm going to fly, and be something. But when you do something to change what we're in, it scares me, and selfish as I am, I think more of what I am losing in this than of what you are gaining. Please give me a call someday, I really wish we could talk in private some time before you leave here. Talk like we always do.
People, you are all too good to me, but my mind flees. See you next when I've done a Rowling and I'm ridiculously wealthy and famous cause of my writing.
I've finished the painting with the angels! Finally! I thought I'd bring it to work tomorrow so I can scan it and post. Don't have the blessing of a scanner in the house, which is a shame, cause it sure comes in handy. I'm gonna try and get my hands on one cheap, cause I'd really need a printer for when I get back to school, and the scanner part of it, well, that would just be for fun.
Nebula, it aches in me when I think of how soon it is that you'll be gone. I know that's your spirit, your whole being, that a soul like yours can't be trapped in a place like this... this forgotten and cold place at the far end of the world. And I know you won't be coming back, not here, even if you would come back to this country. This place is too small for you. And honestly, I wish I was like you. I'm always talking about how I wanna be free, how I'm going to fly, and be something. But when you do something to change what we're in, it scares me, and selfish as I am, I think more of what I am losing in this than of what you are gaining. Please give me a call someday, I really wish we could talk in private some time before you leave here. Talk like we always do.
People, you are all too good to me, but my mind flees. See you next when I've done a Rowling and I'm ridiculously wealthy and famous cause of my writing.
Monday, July 30
Multiple Personas
Why do you sometimes feel as though a hundred years of life have been crammed fit into your seemingly only nineteen-year old body? Anyone had this problem? Well, that's the best way I could describe it. Or honestly, it's like I'm going multiple personalities here. One minute I'm that hundred years old, wise like, bitter and sad this-is-all-good-for-nothing-anyway kind of person, let's call her the Battered Old Lady. Next minute I'm jumping up and down in excitement, laughing and joking, like some kid, let's call that one Jiggery-Pokery. Minute after that, I might drift away from things, distance myself, dream and illusionize, paint stuff, write stuff, create stuff; and I call her the Solitary Artist. And occasionally, I slip and fall back into my so called irresponsible, judgeless youth, where all that really matters are drinks and dances and the most primitive kind of passion - that would be the Careless Teen. Guess there are more to it as well, like the Teacher Trainee, embracing troubled kids, or the Famous Local, loving her job at the gas station, and the Poor University Student Constantly Complaining About How Poor She Is; but they are all minor, compared to the first four.
Battered Old Lady likes nothing. She dislikes nothing, either. She does nothing but cry, or possibly stare dully at some point on the wall. This is all because she thinks everything she does is useless, and won't matter to a soul, especially not to the world on the whole, which is the only thing she considers matters. Got it? Battered Old Lady will do nothing, because to the world, she is merely a drop of sea water in the Atlantic if even that, maybe slightly more considering her contributions of tears. Instead, she will be sad about the condition everything's in and how hopeless it is for it ever to change. The state of the world saddens her, but she is so blinded and overwhelmed by the sadness that she does not attempt to change it.
Battered Old Lady can appear at any time. Sometimes when simply hearing the news. Sometimes in the middle of Jiggery-Pokery's laughter, because honest laughter makes Battered Old Lady choke and force herself to come forth, preventing anything becoming too happy, too satisfied, too enjoyable. If the world is so troubled, Battered Old Lady considers, she has no right to be any less troubled than the rest, just because she is materialistically better off. And being troubled all the time inflates her conscience with the twisted idea that being chronically depressed is sort of her compensation for never actively struggling for what she sees.
Jiggery-Pokery is a blast. She doesn't see consequences, she doesn't think of practical things. She plays around, and finds pleasure in the smallest of things, smiles at the littlest of thoughts. Jiggery-Pokery thinks it's still not too late to get that craved letter from Hogwarts, and loves the way it sounds when she kicks a piece of gravel against hot asfalt. The furthest away from home she's ever been and ever heard about is simply as far as to the sea, where you can play in the waves and build castles in the sand and play with sticks and stones in, and where Mum and Dad brings lemonade and sandwiches for when you get hungry, and dry towels for when you get wet. The sea, from where you don't ever have to go home, where the family is always together, always laughing. Jiggery-Pokery loves the sea, and will never leave it.
Solitary Artist is a loner. She enjoys the company of herself, and logically, why shouldn't she? She is, after all, the only person she can be absolutely certain that she'll spend the rest of her life with. Solitary Artist draws, writes, sings, simply creates, anything that comes to mind. She is very emotional, but mostly expresses her feelings through her creations. When she is making something, she disappears from the world, distances herself, drifts off... dreams herself away, unintentionally. When she's done, she might show her work to someone, thought most of the time she stuffs it somewhere, unseen, where she can keep it safe for other times. Solitary Artist makes time fly. Hours can pass without her noticing. Solitary Artist is mostly left to herself by the others, but unfortunately, appears more and more seldom as years come.
Careless Teen is different from Solitary Artist. She doesn't bare the company of herself, she's only happy when she's surrounded by people. If she finds herself alone, she makes herself busy with something, anything at hand, so as not having to think about things. Sometimes she is interrupted in this by Battered Old Lady, almost as if that is who she becomes when she does that dangerous thing thinking. Careless Teen thinks a weekend without alcohol is a waste of time, that a day without hearing from any of her friends is like a plague. Careless Teen does loads of things to occupy herself, and to keep her schedule crammed, so that she can feel wanted, needed, confirmed, by the people around her. And so she does anything to be accepted by them. Foolish things, at times. Other times she does things that only benefit herself, hurts people, not willingly, but because she is swept away by the moment far too often. Careless Teen hates work and thinks her folks are ungrateful to her for what she does for them, unlike Jiggery-Pokery, who would beam at work, and love every ounce of it. Careless Teen sometimes wishes to hurt herself so that someone might see her, so that someone might reach out and touch her. Careless Teen is blind to who is good for her and who cares about her, and sometimes sees nothing when there is so much there, or sees so much where there is nothing to be seen. Careless Teen would never stop to think, because her way of living would break down her conscience if she did.
Do you see how all these fit into one person? How they all are parts of one person, parts of me? When I look at what I've written, it seems absurd that they should all be sides of one person, but they are.
They are all just parts of me.
Battered Old Lady likes nothing. She dislikes nothing, either. She does nothing but cry, or possibly stare dully at some point on the wall. This is all because she thinks everything she does is useless, and won't matter to a soul, especially not to the world on the whole, which is the only thing she considers matters. Got it? Battered Old Lady will do nothing, because to the world, she is merely a drop of sea water in the Atlantic if even that, maybe slightly more considering her contributions of tears. Instead, she will be sad about the condition everything's in and how hopeless it is for it ever to change. The state of the world saddens her, but she is so blinded and overwhelmed by the sadness that she does not attempt to change it.
Battered Old Lady can appear at any time. Sometimes when simply hearing the news. Sometimes in the middle of Jiggery-Pokery's laughter, because honest laughter makes Battered Old Lady choke and force herself to come forth, preventing anything becoming too happy, too satisfied, too enjoyable. If the world is so troubled, Battered Old Lady considers, she has no right to be any less troubled than the rest, just because she is materialistically better off. And being troubled all the time inflates her conscience with the twisted idea that being chronically depressed is sort of her compensation for never actively struggling for what she sees.
Jiggery-Pokery is a blast. She doesn't see consequences, she doesn't think of practical things. She plays around, and finds pleasure in the smallest of things, smiles at the littlest of thoughts. Jiggery-Pokery thinks it's still not too late to get that craved letter from Hogwarts, and loves the way it sounds when she kicks a piece of gravel against hot asfalt. The furthest away from home she's ever been and ever heard about is simply as far as to the sea, where you can play in the waves and build castles in the sand and play with sticks and stones in, and where Mum and Dad brings lemonade and sandwiches for when you get hungry, and dry towels for when you get wet. The sea, from where you don't ever have to go home, where the family is always together, always laughing. Jiggery-Pokery loves the sea, and will never leave it.
Solitary Artist is a loner. She enjoys the company of herself, and logically, why shouldn't she? She is, after all, the only person she can be absolutely certain that she'll spend the rest of her life with. Solitary Artist draws, writes, sings, simply creates, anything that comes to mind. She is very emotional, but mostly expresses her feelings through her creations. When she is making something, she disappears from the world, distances herself, drifts off... dreams herself away, unintentionally. When she's done, she might show her work to someone, thought most of the time she stuffs it somewhere, unseen, where she can keep it safe for other times. Solitary Artist makes time fly. Hours can pass without her noticing. Solitary Artist is mostly left to herself by the others, but unfortunately, appears more and more seldom as years come.
Careless Teen is different from Solitary Artist. She doesn't bare the company of herself, she's only happy when she's surrounded by people. If she finds herself alone, she makes herself busy with something, anything at hand, so as not having to think about things. Sometimes she is interrupted in this by Battered Old Lady, almost as if that is who she becomes when she does that dangerous thing thinking. Careless Teen thinks a weekend without alcohol is a waste of time, that a day without hearing from any of her friends is like a plague. Careless Teen does loads of things to occupy herself, and to keep her schedule crammed, so that she can feel wanted, needed, confirmed, by the people around her. And so she does anything to be accepted by them. Foolish things, at times. Other times she does things that only benefit herself, hurts people, not willingly, but because she is swept away by the moment far too often. Careless Teen hates work and thinks her folks are ungrateful to her for what she does for them, unlike Jiggery-Pokery, who would beam at work, and love every ounce of it. Careless Teen sometimes wishes to hurt herself so that someone might see her, so that someone might reach out and touch her. Careless Teen is blind to who is good for her and who cares about her, and sometimes sees nothing when there is so much there, or sees so much where there is nothing to be seen. Careless Teen would never stop to think, because her way of living would break down her conscience if she did.
Do you see how all these fit into one person? How they all are parts of one person, parts of me? When I look at what I've written, it seems absurd that they should all be sides of one person, but they are.
They are all just parts of me.
Friday, July 27
Follow The Moment, Follow The Dream
I'm empty inside me
It's like a hole that grows in size
I'm guilty so do blame me
For all you saw with blinded eyes
With blinded eyes
Follow the moment, follow the dream
Catch the glimmer you see in a sparkling thought
Follow the moment, follow the dream
If things are what they seem, well then
Don't wait up for me
Come darkness, embrace me
Come fill the hole I got in me
And goodness, desert me
So that my record's clear of lies
Clear of lies
Come turn your misery on me
Take out your anger on me please
And while you look the other way
The rest can get away
I saved them
I saved them
With my sacrifice
Follow the moment, follow the dream
Catch the glimmer you see in a sparkling thought
Follow the moment, follow the dream
If things are what they seem, well then
Don't wait up for me
____________________________________
The inspiration for this song actually came from The Deathly Hallows, but I think it has a lot of other depth as well. What do you say? Enjoy, people!
It's like a hole that grows in size
I'm guilty so do blame me
For all you saw with blinded eyes
With blinded eyes
Follow the moment, follow the dream
Catch the glimmer you see in a sparkling thought
Follow the moment, follow the dream
If things are what they seem, well then
Don't wait up for me
Come darkness, embrace me
Come fill the hole I got in me
And goodness, desert me
So that my record's clear of lies
Clear of lies
Come turn your misery on me
Take out your anger on me please
And while you look the other way
The rest can get away
I saved them
I saved them
With my sacrifice
Follow the moment, follow the dream
Catch the glimmer you see in a sparkling thought
Follow the moment, follow the dream
If things are what they seem, well then
Don't wait up for me
____________________________________
The inspiration for this song actually came from The Deathly Hallows, but I think it has a lot of other depth as well. What do you say? Enjoy, people!
Tuesday, July 24
Angel With Doll
Here's a little something I drew the other day at work when I was bored. Now I'm working on, like, a copy of it, the angel and her replica is standing face to face, each holding their doll, watching the silhouette of a butterfly glowing between them. I'm gonna add that picture soon as it's done, meanwhile, I thought this little sweetheart was too pretty to stay in the notepad. Enjoy.
Sunday, July 22
Downtown
Here I am, in the middle of a drawing, and it's been ages since I been so enthusiastic about my painting, and what happens? My cell rings, and all of a sudden, I'm on my way downtown to grab some drinks with Nikki and Terese. I dunno how the hell that happened, but nevertheless - can't complain about the evening. Didn't know a soul, that didn't really matter. Didn't know the music either, but hey, a pub that's dragged someone's Playstation 2 into the DJ booth and chooses music after what's next on Guitar Hero, well, they gotta get their fair amount of credit, right?
Anyway, Mum'll show up soon with the rest of our laundry, and then we're headed for pizza. Over & Out. I know I'm boring... but I'm hungover. Don't complain...
Anyway, Mum'll show up soon with the rest of our laundry, and then we're headed for pizza. Over & Out. I know I'm boring... but I'm hungover. Don't complain...
Saturday, July 21
Road
I don't even know what I wanna put up here.
Feels like no one knows me. No one's got the time for me.
Everyone's getting the hell out of here... and I don't have a clue what to do when they're gone. What am I supposed to do? Dammit... I'm gonna spend eternity in this shit hole before I can get out. Before I'll wanna get out. You know, I thought if I just stayed here things would kinda stay the way they've been, they wouldn't change. Like, in the back of my mind, I was thinking I could keep being my old self around here. But that's changed. Nothing's what it used to be, hell, I aint what I used to be.
Where am I headed? Can someone please tell? Should I stick to following this road, or try to have another go? Well I don't know...
Feels like no one knows me. No one's got the time for me.
Everyone's getting the hell out of here... and I don't have a clue what to do when they're gone. What am I supposed to do? Dammit... I'm gonna spend eternity in this shit hole before I can get out. Before I'll wanna get out. You know, I thought if I just stayed here things would kinda stay the way they've been, they wouldn't change. Like, in the back of my mind, I was thinking I could keep being my old self around here. But that's changed. Nothing's what it used to be, hell, I aint what I used to be.
Where am I headed? Can someone please tell? Should I stick to following this road, or try to have another go? Well I don't know...
Thursday, July 19
Daydreams
This choice is hard for anyone to make
To tell authentic from what's fake
I slant my head to catch the voices
Voices that wake me
From my daydreams
Wish that I could sleep some more
Not wonder what I came here for
Close my eyes to chase my dreams
Dreams that take me
From reality
___________________________________
Why, that plan worked out trumendously, now didn't it? Argh, it's like I've got it all worked out in my head, got the path set out straight for me, and when it's time to follow it - go down the path I'm supposed to go - I grow so weary I'll surrender... I wonder when it's time for me... When it's my turn to rise and shine. When I'll actually be able to deal with this... my life... and the inevitable end of it as I know it...
I know what's best for me and I know what the voices tell me. Don't get it, why this feels so hard... so wrong. Can I really allow myself to be happy about it? It goes against everything. Most things... That I've worked for. That... that I am.
I don't know, I might be hell wrong here, but I'm pretty confused about things still. And I want me to gimme some answers now, this very minute. Not just wait it out. I'm sick of not knowing what I want to do, or who I want to be - or, more precisely, I'm sick of it being so important to me to know that. I wish I could just have fun with life and enjoy it as it is... No prejudices allowed.
To tell authentic from what's fake
I slant my head to catch the voices
Voices that wake me
From my daydreams
Wish that I could sleep some more
Not wonder what I came here for
Close my eyes to chase my dreams
Dreams that take me
From reality
___________________________________
Why, that plan worked out trumendously, now didn't it? Argh, it's like I've got it all worked out in my head, got the path set out straight for me, and when it's time to follow it - go down the path I'm supposed to go - I grow so weary I'll surrender... I wonder when it's time for me... When it's my turn to rise and shine. When I'll actually be able to deal with this... my life... and the inevitable end of it as I know it...
I know what's best for me and I know what the voices tell me. Don't get it, why this feels so hard... so wrong. Can I really allow myself to be happy about it? It goes against everything. Most things... That I've worked for. That... that I am.
I don't know, I might be hell wrong here, but I'm pretty confused about things still. And I want me to gimme some answers now, this very minute. Not just wait it out. I'm sick of not knowing what I want to do, or who I want to be - or, more precisely, I'm sick of it being so important to me to know that. I wish I could just have fun with life and enjoy it as it is... No prejudices allowed.
Wednesday, July 18
Scream, Live, And Tuck My Life Out The Window With The Trash
There comes a time for speechmaking,
it simply isn't now.
_________________________________
I don't even know where to start, feels like my own way of living my life is striking back on me. Can't complain, can't do anything, cause that would mean I was contradictory, complaining 'bout other folks when they do things... you know, when other people do it it bugs you, but when you do it it bugs you that it bugs other folks that you do it... As in "Bugs" episode of the Diaries.
I just wanna break free!
I can't help but admire people who are stronger than me, who do whatever they want to do, who don't let other stuff stand in the way. Like, I wanna head off to Australia too, just 'cause, hey, I feel like it. I wanna go party like crazy with my pals without worrying shit about when I get home or if I don't!
I wanna do my own dishes, wanna fold my own clothes, want to sort my movies, have a place to go - a hideout, only for me...
Wanna stand on top of this bloody house and SCREAM!
I wanna be someone! I wanna see places, meet people, LIVE!
I wanna grab hold of my life and tuck it out the window along with the trash!
I'm gonna be someone and I'm gonna show you... I'm gonna show you that I can do with all this alone...
it simply isn't now.
_________________________________
I don't even know where to start, feels like my own way of living my life is striking back on me. Can't complain, can't do anything, cause that would mean I was contradictory, complaining 'bout other folks when they do things... you know, when other people do it it bugs you, but when you do it it bugs you that it bugs other folks that you do it... As in "Bugs" episode of the Diaries.
I just wanna break free!
I can't help but admire people who are stronger than me, who do whatever they want to do, who don't let other stuff stand in the way. Like, I wanna head off to Australia too, just 'cause, hey, I feel like it. I wanna go party like crazy with my pals without worrying shit about when I get home or if I don't!
I wanna do my own dishes, wanna fold my own clothes, want to sort my movies, have a place to go - a hideout, only for me...
Wanna stand on top of this bloody house and SCREAM!
I wanna be someone! I wanna see places, meet people, LIVE!
I wanna grab hold of my life and tuck it out the window along with the trash!
I'm gonna be someone and I'm gonna show you... I'm gonna show you that I can do with all this alone...
Sunday, July 15
Seize The Day
I'm gonna be amazing but I'm still growing,
I'm gonna be a torch but for now I'm only glowing.
Whatever happens I'm okay,
Whatever happens I'll seize the day.
I'm gonna be something good but I'm still learning,
I'm gonna light up lives but can't control my burning.
Whatever happens I'm okay,
Whatever happens I'll seize the day.
You knew I was a bird when you saw me about,
I've learnt to live in cages but I'll always want out.
I'll be ready for you when all this is done,
I'll be ready when hunger no longer will come.
Whatever happens, we'll be okay,
Whatever happens we can seize the day.
Whenever I'm sane and not deranged,
Whatever happens... I'll seize the day.
I'm gonna be a torch but for now I'm only glowing.
Whatever happens I'm okay,
Whatever happens I'll seize the day.
I'm gonna be something good but I'm still learning,
I'm gonna light up lives but can't control my burning.
Whatever happens I'm okay,
Whatever happens I'll seize the day.
You knew I was a bird when you saw me about,
I've learnt to live in cages but I'll always want out.
I'll be ready for you when all this is done,
I'll be ready when hunger no longer will come.
Whatever happens, we'll be okay,
Whatever happens we can seize the day.
Whenever I'm sane and not deranged,
Whatever happens... I'll seize the day.
Summer's Got Started
Right, so this is it, I'm writing you from the grave as promised. Haha, not really, I aint even hungover yet; bet that'll kick in when I'm at work tomorrow.
Anyway, I thought our night out in Grebbestad would be cancelled considering how much it was raining, I mean, it was like a vertical lake right outside my window. But somehow we didn't let ourselves be scared off by that, which was lucky - we didn't get a drop of rain all night once we were there. It was a really nice evening in all, we went in on this place called Terrassen (flirted my way in past the guards - well it must have been something like that, or I don't know how they let me in) and spent like the rest of the evening dancing like freaks. It was cool. Wish I had some photos of us, didn't even think of shooting some. Maybe that's good, you know, that you had so much fun you don't even have time to take pictures. It feels kinda nice come to think of it, like the summer just started. This is like, how fun the rest of the summer will be. And finally - finally - it feels like I can enjoy myself. Like I told Nikki, even though I missed him a lot while he was gone this week, every day I had to cope with was a day I grew stronger, and happier about myself, more independent. That's why I'm thinking I'm really making the right decision about moving out.
I'm wrestling my head with a tough decision right now, don't know if I should tell about what.
Now there's no more rain, folks - let's seize the day.
From The Poet In The Jar: It's spontaneous thoughts, everyone.
Anyway, I thought our night out in Grebbestad would be cancelled considering how much it was raining, I mean, it was like a vertical lake right outside my window. But somehow we didn't let ourselves be scared off by that, which was lucky - we didn't get a drop of rain all night once we were there. It was a really nice evening in all, we went in on this place called Terrassen (flirted my way in past the guards - well it must have been something like that, or I don't know how they let me in) and spent like the rest of the evening dancing like freaks. It was cool. Wish I had some photos of us, didn't even think of shooting some. Maybe that's good, you know, that you had so much fun you don't even have time to take pictures. It feels kinda nice come to think of it, like the summer just started. This is like, how fun the rest of the summer will be. And finally - finally - it feels like I can enjoy myself. Like I told Nikki, even though I missed him a lot while he was gone this week, every day I had to cope with was a day I grew stronger, and happier about myself, more independent. That's why I'm thinking I'm really making the right decision about moving out.
I'm wrestling my head with a tough decision right now, don't know if I should tell about what.
Now there's no more rain, folks - let's seize the day.
From The Poet In The Jar: It's spontaneous thoughts, everyone.
Saturday, July 14
Halfway Through, Halfdead Already
Right, so I'm only half-dead, but then I'm only halfway through my weekend plans. I've just had a banana for breakfast and I'm starving. Gotta go see if I got something else in the fridge, or my stomach will jump up my throat and suffocate me out of pure frustration.
The movie yesterday was freakin' A-W-E-S-O-M-E. Best one this far! Exactly what I thought about the book when that premiered, though we've agreed they aint really comparable, the books and the films. You can simply not squeeze the depths of the books into a watchable, reasonable length movie. But I'm happy with it, it was a fairly adapted film version, for sure. I'm thinking whoever did the casting did an amazing job (except for the kind of weird-looking Tonks), couldn't help but love Loony Lovegood, and want to jump on Umbridge. Guess that's exactly the desired effect, but still. Yeah, I think it was good. My sis sneaked a bottle of Bacardi Breezer into the salon which she drank from with a straw. It looked a little desperate, ha, ha.
Afterwards we went out, my sis, her friend and me. Wasn't sure if I felt comfortable with them - like that friend of my sis, who couldn't stop complaining that she couldn't dance to "this kind of music", or pointing out every single guy in the place she'd ever made out with. It was like, yeah. I'll just stand here dancing, then. And on the way back this guy kinda jumped on me, like so-where-are-you-from, where-are-you-going-now, how-come-I've-never-seen-you-before and, last but not least, would-you-like-a-piece-of-my-hamburger and can-I-at-least-give-you-a-hug. It would'ave been more fun to get compliments like my sis, this was definitely desperate, just like every other guy at the place whose only form of compliment was like, ass-grabbing. No fun. Whaddaya think guys, that if you grab my ass I'm comin' home with ya? What makes you even think it would be even the slightest bit appreciated? Come back when you've learned that what a girl wants is free drinks, smiles, eye contact and some honest attention. Don't forget, non-drunk. Now get outta here! I hope you're all laying in some ditch somewhere, hungover as hell. I bet my hangover won't pop up until tonight, but then I'll already be getting myself a new one, so it won't matter. Hopefully... Dear God, please don't let this have any effect on my brain cells. I kinda need them later when I'm supposed to go back to school.
Regular work hours begin on Monday, which sucks. Sucks sucks sucks. Well, I aint gonna dwell about it. Just go there, do the time, get out. And look! You're free. Do what ya like.
The movie yesterday was freakin' A-W-E-S-O-M-E. Best one this far! Exactly what I thought about the book when that premiered, though we've agreed they aint really comparable, the books and the films. You can simply not squeeze the depths of the books into a watchable, reasonable length movie. But I'm happy with it, it was a fairly adapted film version, for sure. I'm thinking whoever did the casting did an amazing job (except for the kind of weird-looking Tonks), couldn't help but love Loony Lovegood, and want to jump on Umbridge. Guess that's exactly the desired effect, but still. Yeah, I think it was good. My sis sneaked a bottle of Bacardi Breezer into the salon which she drank from with a straw. It looked a little desperate, ha, ha.
Afterwards we went out, my sis, her friend and me. Wasn't sure if I felt comfortable with them - like that friend of my sis, who couldn't stop complaining that she couldn't dance to "this kind of music", or pointing out every single guy in the place she'd ever made out with. It was like, yeah. I'll just stand here dancing, then. And on the way back this guy kinda jumped on me, like so-where-are-you-from, where-are-you-going-now, how-come-I've-never-seen-you-before and, last but not least, would-you-like-a-piece-of-my-hamburger and can-I-at-least-give-you-a-hug. It would'ave been more fun to get compliments like my sis, this was definitely desperate, just like every other guy at the place whose only form of compliment was like, ass-grabbing. No fun. Whaddaya think guys, that if you grab my ass I'm comin' home with ya? What makes you even think it would be even the slightest bit appreciated? Come back when you've learned that what a girl wants is free drinks, smiles, eye contact and some honest attention. Don't forget, non-drunk. Now get outta here! I hope you're all laying in some ditch somewhere, hungover as hell. I bet my hangover won't pop up until tonight, but then I'll already be getting myself a new one, so it won't matter. Hopefully... Dear God, please don't let this have any effect on my brain cells. I kinda need them later when I'm supposed to go back to school.
Regular work hours begin on Monday, which sucks. Sucks sucks sucks. Well, I aint gonna dwell about it. Just go there, do the time, get out. And look! You're free. Do what ya like.
Friday, July 13
Bugs
I'm waiting for my sis to come over and get some party started. She was only supposed to be here an hour ago. Ha, ha. Well, I guess I better not complain about folks being late, seeing that I'm always late for everything myself. How does that happen? When other people do it it bugs you, but when you do it it bugs you that it bugs other folks that you do it. Did you get that? Better write it down somewhere.
Plan for tonight is The Order of the Phoenix, I laid my hands on tickets for the premiere - barely, considering there were only five ones left when I bought 'em. After that, we go out, have some fun, dance a little, drink a little, hang out a little. Plan for tomorrow is, hitch ourselves a ride to the coast somehow, have fun, dance a lot, drink a lot, hang out a lot. Plan for Sunday is, I'm dead. Write you from the grave boys and girls.
Plan for tonight is The Order of the Phoenix, I laid my hands on tickets for the premiere - barely, considering there were only five ones left when I bought 'em. After that, we go out, have some fun, dance a little, drink a little, hang out a little. Plan for tomorrow is, hitch ourselves a ride to the coast somehow, have fun, dance a lot, drink a lot, hang out a lot. Plan for Sunday is, I'm dead. Write you from the grave boys and girls.
Thursday, July 12
Redecoration
I'm redecorating my head by redecorating my living room. Right now it looks as if there's been some kind of very violent struggle in here, spreading stuff to all possible and impossible places making itself impossible to find when I need it, just to show up again and request a storage place when there are none left. Hey, I guess this room has more in common with my head than I'd thought!
I haven't seen Nikki since yesterday morning, and I kinda miss him. I'm doing fine daytime, but it gets freakishly lonely when you're going to bed. No more, I'll-go-to-bed-when-you-do-darling, for a couple days. You know, I was thinking if I got a few days away from Nikki I'd just relax and not do much, just hang out with myself, like. But instead it feels as though I've scheduled something for every hour we're apart.
I'd better fix things up in here, although I woulda wanted to catch Danny on msn before I do so. Would be nice if maybe we could get a lift if there's any of them driving on Saturday.
Gotta set this place up... nightie!
PS. This pic is without the big painting on top, I'll put it up tomorrow if I'm bored, haha. DS. FROM THE POET
I haven't seen Nikki since yesterday morning, and I kinda miss him. I'm doing fine daytime, but it gets freakishly lonely when you're going to bed. No more, I'll-go-to-bed-when-you-do-darling, for a couple days. You know, I was thinking if I got a few days away from Nikki I'd just relax and not do much, just hang out with myself, like. But instead it feels as though I've scheduled something for every hour we're apart.
I'd better fix things up in here, although I woulda wanted to catch Danny on msn before I do so. Would be nice if maybe we could get a lift if there's any of them driving on Saturday.
Gotta set this place up... nightie!
PS. This pic is without the big painting on top, I'll put it up tomorrow if I'm bored, haha. DS. FROM THE POET
Tuesday, July 10
Hippocracy Present
Everything is so full of crap. Like this:
"EXTRA! EXTRA! 16-year old girl died from gas-leaking fridge"
What? How is this extra? It's as if they thought we suck in news for fun. And Extra news are Extra fun. Oh wow, look, it's the special edition of the gas-leaking fridge tragedy - I gotta have me one of those! Or what?
On the tobacco cabinet: "Prince Highland Taste. Smooth and fresh with aromas straight from the highlands"
On the tobacco package: "Smoking kills"
Guess we can't blame smokers' bad habit on the disability to read anymore. I was apparently wrong. They can read big letters as in cigarette commercial signs. Just not the small ones on the package. I'm so sorry, my bad.
Yeah, what the hell.
You know what I mean.
"EXTRA! EXTRA! 16-year old girl died from gas-leaking fridge"
What? How is this extra? It's as if they thought we suck in news for fun. And Extra news are Extra fun. Oh wow, look, it's the special edition of the gas-leaking fridge tragedy - I gotta have me one of those! Or what?
On the tobacco cabinet: "Prince Highland Taste. Smooth and fresh with aromas straight from the highlands"
On the tobacco package: "Smoking kills"
Guess we can't blame smokers' bad habit on the disability to read anymore. I was apparently wrong. They can read big letters as in cigarette commercial signs. Just not the small ones on the package. I'm so sorry, my bad.
Yeah, what the hell.
You know what I mean.
Monday, July 9
War-Wager
I drew before. Made a drawing of a girl with big, black eyes and hair that's blue and purple. It's been a while since I last drew something. I take it as a sign. Things getting better and all. If that's what you call it.
Having to switch back to my old job at the gas station which I loath, from the amazing job I just been at in summer school, man, that takes most my energy straight off just by the thought of it. The Health Care Authoritities are coming to inspect us at work, which means two weeks of hard sanitation and cleaning work for me. I'm simply thrilled. Golly, gimme a broom and I could sweep the world clean of trouble while I'm at it, yeay! That would kinda be the same amount of effort. God knows what we'll find at that place, Mum and Dad never got the time to fix it, and while I'm there, grabbing hold of the cleaning in one end - it always fills up in the other. But it's kinda good though, I guess, time will fly by; before I know it I'll be back home again.
And who knows? It just might inspire a poem or two. Ha, ha.
Like David, one of the other teachers at summer school said: when you do body work, like tearing down houses all day, you can work for fifteen hours and still you aint tired, cause you know you can be somewhere else in your head. But doing something like teaching, you do eight hours of work and you're exhausted. Cause you don't just need your body, you need your head as well. And you got eyes on you. Judging you, every second. Every mistake you make, every ounce of uncertainness that flinches your body, will be turned against you.
And I thought that was fun. Man, what am I complaining about? This cleaning'll be like piece of cake. I'm gonna do like in Harry Potter number five, and wage war on that place. Ha, ha. Wish me luck!
ByEbYe
Having to switch back to my old job at the gas station which I loath, from the amazing job I just been at in summer school, man, that takes most my energy straight off just by the thought of it. The Health Care Authoritities are coming to inspect us at work, which means two weeks of hard sanitation and cleaning work for me. I'm simply thrilled. Golly, gimme a broom and I could sweep the world clean of trouble while I'm at it, yeay! That would kinda be the same amount of effort. God knows what we'll find at that place, Mum and Dad never got the time to fix it, and while I'm there, grabbing hold of the cleaning in one end - it always fills up in the other. But it's kinda good though, I guess, time will fly by; before I know it I'll be back home again.
And who knows? It just might inspire a poem or two. Ha, ha.
Like David, one of the other teachers at summer school said: when you do body work, like tearing down houses all day, you can work for fifteen hours and still you aint tired, cause you know you can be somewhere else in your head. But doing something like teaching, you do eight hours of work and you're exhausted. Cause you don't just need your body, you need your head as well. And you got eyes on you. Judging you, every second. Every mistake you make, every ounce of uncertainness that flinches your body, will be turned against you.
And I thought that was fun. Man, what am I complaining about? This cleaning'll be like piece of cake. I'm gonna do like in Harry Potter number five, and wage war on that place. Ha, ha. Wish me luck!
ByEbYe
Sunday, July 8
Cast Away
Childhood, you were my mainland,
and now I'm cast away.
Death was the waves that rode me here,
Illness what tore my sails.
Safe waters are no more to me.
Wild waters grieve and roar with me.
Innocence was my mainland,
and now I'm cast away.
_______________________________
Right, so it's out.
Out of my life, out of my mind, out of the tears we can't deny...
I feel so relieved having gotten it out of me. We spent a long time talking yesterday, Nikki and me. I wanna, but shouldn't, write about the details, so I won't. What matters is that we've agreed to see how things work if we move apart from eachother, and take it from there. Nikki says it's better that I told the truth than I go crying, without explaining why. Well, I've explained now. And at least I got it out of me. At least now we both know. We'll see. I dunno what's gonna happen now.
Friday night didn't end too well. I feel sorry for Jessi, cause I kinda think my gloomy mood was dragging her down a bit, I couldn't help it. I spoke to Elle in the bar. Yeah I know, it's kind of a cliché, haha. Anyway, after that I burst out of the place and Nikki came after me and I ruined my makeup and had to wipe it off on the inside of his shirt. I think it was one of his best shirts, too. Sorry 'bout that. That's what got me started. I thought if I don't tell him this now, I never will. I waited til yesterday. And Nikki's so good to me, he always listens to me, even when it's hard for me to say something. I'm so very fond of him.
You know, I couldn't really tell why, but it feels as if it's almost impossible to become myself again, long as I'm with someone. Not just Nikki, but anyone. It would be easier to find myself again if I had to do it on my own. Do it from scratch. But I dunno, let's see how this works out, maybe an apartment of my own is exactly what it would take for me to do it, find me, find myself. I dunno. Really dunno. I feel pretty happy about things now, though.
Haven't told Mum about all this. She's got too much to worry about as it is, and besides, she's already going mental on me for moving out, she thinks I'll break up with Nikki soon as I'm out, so with her it don't matter what I say. I just don't have the energy to face her with this kind of stuff, cause I know she'll start to fix things up and make plans for me and do stuff, and mostly she does more damage than she does good, even though she means well.
Oh God, I'm worried sick about my Mum. And there's nothing I can do. Why does it always have to be like this, why do people have to get sick? Why can't they just be, fine? And why doesn't time stop when they do...? Everything, things, just keep happening, keep going on, as if nothing's changed. But they have changed. I've changed, everyone's changed. I wanna go back to my past, when we were kids, when all you had to worry about was who to play with the next day. When illness was just something vague we still remembered from Carolina. And when death was still unreal, something absent, unknown.
Childhood, you were my mainland, and now I'm cast away.
and now I'm cast away.
Death was the waves that rode me here,
Illness what tore my sails.
Safe waters are no more to me.
Wild waters grieve and roar with me.
Innocence was my mainland,
and now I'm cast away.
_______________________________
Right, so it's out.
Out of my life, out of my mind, out of the tears we can't deny...
I feel so relieved having gotten it out of me. We spent a long time talking yesterday, Nikki and me. I wanna, but shouldn't, write about the details, so I won't. What matters is that we've agreed to see how things work if we move apart from eachother, and take it from there. Nikki says it's better that I told the truth than I go crying, without explaining why. Well, I've explained now. And at least I got it out of me. At least now we both know. We'll see. I dunno what's gonna happen now.
Friday night didn't end too well. I feel sorry for Jessi, cause I kinda think my gloomy mood was dragging her down a bit, I couldn't help it. I spoke to Elle in the bar. Yeah I know, it's kind of a cliché, haha. Anyway, after that I burst out of the place and Nikki came after me and I ruined my makeup and had to wipe it off on the inside of his shirt. I think it was one of his best shirts, too. Sorry 'bout that. That's what got me started. I thought if I don't tell him this now, I never will. I waited til yesterday. And Nikki's so good to me, he always listens to me, even when it's hard for me to say something. I'm so very fond of him.
You know, I couldn't really tell why, but it feels as if it's almost impossible to become myself again, long as I'm with someone. Not just Nikki, but anyone. It would be easier to find myself again if I had to do it on my own. Do it from scratch. But I dunno, let's see how this works out, maybe an apartment of my own is exactly what it would take for me to do it, find me, find myself. I dunno. Really dunno. I feel pretty happy about things now, though.
Haven't told Mum about all this. She's got too much to worry about as it is, and besides, she's already going mental on me for moving out, she thinks I'll break up with Nikki soon as I'm out, so with her it don't matter what I say. I just don't have the energy to face her with this kind of stuff, cause I know she'll start to fix things up and make plans for me and do stuff, and mostly she does more damage than she does good, even though she means well.
Oh God, I'm worried sick about my Mum. And there's nothing I can do. Why does it always have to be like this, why do people have to get sick? Why can't they just be, fine? And why doesn't time stop when they do...? Everything, things, just keep happening, keep going on, as if nothing's changed. But they have changed. I've changed, everyone's changed. I wanna go back to my past, when we were kids, when all you had to worry about was who to play with the next day. When illness was just something vague we still remembered from Carolina. And when death was still unreal, something absent, unknown.
Childhood, you were my mainland, and now I'm cast away.
Okay
We've spoken. Done the serious talking.
Things are changing.
Hope we'll be okay.
Good'night.
//Bekki Lee//
Things are changing.
Hope we'll be okay.
Good'night.
//Bekki Lee//
Saturday, July 7
Two Reasonable Halves
One half of me believes:
Things might change.
You'll stay within range.
The other half leaves:
Wants to save me.
Not betray me.
But I don't know
what to say.
Which way to go.
Who to trust,
out of two
reasonable
halves.
______________________________
I feel as though I'm split in half. Yesterday didn't end too well, with me sitting on the stone stairs crying. Trying to tell Nikki that I need time. I need to be by myself for a while. He thinks it'll be better when we move apart, but I'm not sure. Maybe what I really need is a clean break, so that maybe somehow I can build a strong self again. I'm only halfway there as it is, and I think living like this is preventing me from going all the way. I miss being on my own, I used to have fun with things. And when I am alone, nowadays, I'm so happy with it, it feels good not having to take responsibility for someone else, just for a while. But I don't want that for a while, I want to have that all the time. I just don't know how to say it. I just don't know where to start. Hand it over after dinner? Or after the laundry has been done? And it's so silly that I keep prolonging it, if I don't do it today, I won't have done it in two months.
Please help me.
Things might change.
You'll stay within range.
The other half leaves:
Wants to save me.
Not betray me.
But I don't know
what to say.
Which way to go.
Who to trust,
out of two
reasonable
halves.
______________________________
I feel as though I'm split in half. Yesterday didn't end too well, with me sitting on the stone stairs crying. Trying to tell Nikki that I need time. I need to be by myself for a while. He thinks it'll be better when we move apart, but I'm not sure. Maybe what I really need is a clean break, so that maybe somehow I can build a strong self again. I'm only halfway there as it is, and I think living like this is preventing me from going all the way. I miss being on my own, I used to have fun with things. And when I am alone, nowadays, I'm so happy with it, it feels good not having to take responsibility for someone else, just for a while. But I don't want that for a while, I want to have that all the time. I just don't know how to say it. I just don't know where to start. Hand it over after dinner? Or after the laundry has been done? And it's so silly that I keep prolonging it, if I don't do it today, I won't have done it in two months.
Please help me.
Thursday, July 5
Let Me Hate You
Why does it always feel as if every time you're thinking you're doing allright, something strikes you down, sweeps your feet away, alters everything. Every time! A couple of days ago one of my best friends told me that I've become different than before, that I don't laugh as much, I aint crazy the way I used to be. That I've gone grey somehow. And the worst part is I kinda have to agree with her. I don't wanna live like this, like some ant in the stack working its ass off to please everyone else, to secure the survival of their kind.
It's my family we're talking about, they are my kind in blood and bonds, even though in other ways we are very different. I do all that I can for my family. Dad's still not well, so he don't have the energy to work full time, and Mum, she can't work at all any more. Caroline's fired and they can't afford to hire Mikael full time, only 75 percent. Before I knew this, I asked Mum for, let's see, four days off, so that I could recover slightly from the teaching job and spend some time with Nikki before he leaves. Apparently, that makes me a lazy, irresponsible imbecil, according to my sister, who suddenly has to come down from Stockholm to relieve my parents from work. How does that add up? No one even asked me to come to work before they called my sister. Course I would have done it, what else would I do? But obviously, my parents thought it best for me to rest, since I'm the lazy, irresponsible, egoistic daughter, and ask my sister to travel half across the country to fix things up. It just feels like I aint worth shit. No, let's ask Anchi instead, she probably needs a break from the big city life and the hard day's work of not doing shit. Come on, how many times haven't I been there, how many times didn't I do anything that you asked me?
Mum and Dad, you know I love you, but you've got to let me hate you for a while.
poet IN THE jar
It's my family we're talking about, they are my kind in blood and bonds, even though in other ways we are very different. I do all that I can for my family. Dad's still not well, so he don't have the energy to work full time, and Mum, she can't work at all any more. Caroline's fired and they can't afford to hire Mikael full time, only 75 percent. Before I knew this, I asked Mum for, let's see, four days off, so that I could recover slightly from the teaching job and spend some time with Nikki before he leaves. Apparently, that makes me a lazy, irresponsible imbecil, according to my sister, who suddenly has to come down from Stockholm to relieve my parents from work. How does that add up? No one even asked me to come to work before they called my sister. Course I would have done it, what else would I do? But obviously, my parents thought it best for me to rest, since I'm the lazy, irresponsible, egoistic daughter, and ask my sister to travel half across the country to fix things up. It just feels like I aint worth shit. No, let's ask Anchi instead, she probably needs a break from the big city life and the hard day's work of not doing shit. Come on, how many times haven't I been there, how many times didn't I do anything that you asked me?
Mum and Dad, you know I love you, but you've got to let me hate you for a while.
poet IN THE jar
Wednesday, July 4
Promises
One day I'm gonna fly away from here
I'm gonna spread my wings and disappear
No duties, have-to-do's
I'll fly away from here
One day I'm gonna take you out of here
I'm gonna lift you up, we'll disappear
No duties, have-to-do's
We'll fly away from here, yeah
We'll fly away from here
I'm gonna keep my promises
Can't see why that should change
Yeah! I'm gonna keep my promises
Can't see why that would change
Well so long and goodnight now
They tell me there's no use
But I know yeah I know now
That aint no good excuse
One day I'm gonna fly away from here
I'm gonna spread my wings and disappear
No duties, have-to-do's
I'll fly away from here
One day I'm gonna take you out of here
I'm gonna lift you up, we'll disappear
No duties, have-to-do's
We'll fly away from here, yeah
We'll fly away from here
Did you think I would accept this?
Just watch and walk away
No! I aint gonna go accepting this
Grieve briefly, walk away
Well so long and goodbye now
They tell me there's no use
But I know yeah I know now
That aint no good excuse
One day I'm gonna fly away from here
I'm gonna spread my wings and disappear
No duties, have-to-do's
I'll fly away from here
One day I'm gonna take you out of here
I'm gonna lift you up, we'll disappear
No duties, have-to-do's
We'll fly away from here, yeah
We'll fly away from here
Because
If I fall
If I follow you
If, if I fall
If I follow you
If, if I fall
If I follow you
If I should fall
Well I would fall with you
One day I'm gonna fly away from here
I'm gonna spread my wings and disappear
No duties, have-to-do's
I'll fly away from here
One day I'm gonna take you out of here
I'm gonna lift you up, we'll disappear
No duties, have-to-do's
We'll fly away from here, yeah
We'll fly away from here
(If, if I fall...)
One day I'm gonna fly away from here
I'm gonna spread my wings and disappear
No duties, have-to-do's
I'll fly away from here
One day I'm gonna take you out of here
I'm gonna lift you up, we'll disappear
No duties, have-to-do's
We'll fly away from here, yeah
We'll fly away from here
(If, if I fall...)
You fell
I follow
You fell
I follow
You fell
I follow
I keep my promises
_______________________________
This song was kinda inspired by Pier Pressure, and hopefully I'll be able to put up how it sounds here soon. I'm pretty happy with it, I worked a lot on the lyrics and the different melodies that are all featured in here. Wouldn't mind if you let me know what you think of it. =)
I'm gonna spread my wings and disappear
No duties, have-to-do's
I'll fly away from here
One day I'm gonna take you out of here
I'm gonna lift you up, we'll disappear
No duties, have-to-do's
We'll fly away from here, yeah
We'll fly away from here
I'm gonna keep my promises
Can't see why that should change
Yeah! I'm gonna keep my promises
Can't see why that would change
Well so long and goodnight now
They tell me there's no use
But I know yeah I know now
That aint no good excuse
One day I'm gonna fly away from here
I'm gonna spread my wings and disappear
No duties, have-to-do's
I'll fly away from here
One day I'm gonna take you out of here
I'm gonna lift you up, we'll disappear
No duties, have-to-do's
We'll fly away from here, yeah
We'll fly away from here
Did you think I would accept this?
Just watch and walk away
No! I aint gonna go accepting this
Grieve briefly, walk away
Well so long and goodbye now
They tell me there's no use
But I know yeah I know now
That aint no good excuse
One day I'm gonna fly away from here
I'm gonna spread my wings and disappear
No duties, have-to-do's
I'll fly away from here
One day I'm gonna take you out of here
I'm gonna lift you up, we'll disappear
No duties, have-to-do's
We'll fly away from here, yeah
We'll fly away from here
Because
If I fall
If I follow you
If, if I fall
If I follow you
If, if I fall
If I follow you
If I should fall
Well I would fall with you
One day I'm gonna fly away from here
I'm gonna spread my wings and disappear
No duties, have-to-do's
I'll fly away from here
One day I'm gonna take you out of here
I'm gonna lift you up, we'll disappear
No duties, have-to-do's
We'll fly away from here, yeah
We'll fly away from here
(If, if I fall...)
One day I'm gonna fly away from here
I'm gonna spread my wings and disappear
No duties, have-to-do's
I'll fly away from here
One day I'm gonna take you out of here
I'm gonna lift you up, we'll disappear
No duties, have-to-do's
We'll fly away from here, yeah
We'll fly away from here
(If, if I fall...)
You fell
I follow
You fell
I follow
You fell
I follow
I keep my promises
_______________________________
This song was kinda inspired by Pier Pressure, and hopefully I'll be able to put up how it sounds here soon. I'm pretty happy with it, I worked a lot on the lyrics and the different melodies that are all featured in here. Wouldn't mind if you let me know what you think of it. =)
Tuesday, July 3
Midsummer's Eve Photos
Right, cheers guys! I got these pics from Jonas, I thought it'd be easiest to erase the ones that were on here already and just redo it, in a better-looking way. As I wrote in the no longer existing entry from Midsummer's Day, the camera went from hand to hand, and yeah well, here are the results. Scroll down, folks. (Descriptions next to the pics.)
Jonas apparently cheers for Sweden!
Right, I imagine it something like this. Danny: "No seriously. If it was you who let the birds out..."
I dunno how I got that hair...?
Haha, this is one of my favourite pics! This is what happens to normal guys when they cram together with karaoke and beer.
Danny & Johnny wailing away (You can't not love this pic.)
Danny & Johan giving out free kisses! Call now!
Singstar itself!
Johnny, Nikki & The Brainless Bunny. Say no more.
The Bunny now seems to be the Friendless Bunny...
Danny & Me posing
What's going on in Pontus's head?
Johan seems to wanna go swimming...
Nikki & Viktor playing "Singstar", Jonas & me warming up in the background, haha.
Before...
...and after. Can't believe I drank those. They had coffee in them!
Jonas, Johnny & Me. Thumbs up!
Yummy!
Emil and Johan are doing some kind of, I dunno, Trying-to-steal your-haircut kind of pose.
Well, that's about it, those were the best and most flattering ones... not counting blurry or somehow inappropriate ones (like a set of pics of me half asleep, half dressed that I soon realised no one had erased). Now that I've done that, I'm gonna check some sites for a new flat. Cheers...
OhOoooHooOOOhooOOHoooOOO from Me - The Little Author Wannabe
Jonas apparently cheers for Sweden!
Right, I imagine it something like this. Danny: "No seriously. If it was you who let the birds out..."
I dunno how I got that hair...?
Haha, this is one of my favourite pics! This is what happens to normal guys when they cram together with karaoke and beer.
Danny & Johnny wailing away (You can't not love this pic.)
Danny & Johan giving out free kisses! Call now!
Singstar itself!
Johnny, Nikki & The Brainless Bunny. Say no more.
The Bunny now seems to be the Friendless Bunny...
Danny & Me posing
What's going on in Pontus's head?
Johan seems to wanna go swimming...
Nikki & Viktor playing "Singstar", Jonas & me warming up in the background, haha.
Before...
...and after. Can't believe I drank those. They had coffee in them!
Jonas, Johnny & Me. Thumbs up!
Yummy!
Emil and Johan are doing some kind of, I dunno, Trying-to-steal your-haircut kind of pose.
Well, that's about it, those were the best and most flattering ones... not counting blurry or somehow inappropriate ones (like a set of pics of me half asleep, half dressed that I soon realised no one had erased). Now that I've done that, I'm gonna check some sites for a new flat. Cheers...
OhOoooHooOOOhooOOHoooOOO from Me - The Little Author Wannabe
Monday, July 2
PIER PRESSURE!
YEAY! Yesterday PIER PRESSURE finally struck us with awe, and it blew the roof off! Well, not literally, there wasn't really that much of a roof to talk about, but if there had been, it most certainly would have blown the roof off. I thought it was great, I mean, I'd pay 500SEK just to see My Chemical Romance, but now I got to see loads of bands, some of which I never woulda discovered otherwise. Check out the Glass Links to your right, I've updated it by now. Well, sure there were things you might wanna comment on - should the guy in the wardrobe really be smoking while he hands out your jackets? Yuck - but the gig schedule - come on! You gotta admit it aint no pile of shit, right?
I'm pretty messed up today, we've barely slept four hours, my feet are still sore from all the mad jumping up and down and walking the streets, and I've done my last day at summer school. So you aint gonna find any clever thoughts in here tonight, sorry, guys. I just thought I'd post some of the pics I took yesterday. Enjoy, fellas!
JULY 3RD EDIT: The title belonging to the pic is the one directly above the picture. Also, Jessi noted that I'd written Sunrise Avenue on four pictures but two of them were actually Sounds of Violence. My mistake, but I've taken care of that. After all, we're all just human, aren't we?
Less Than Jake
Sunrise Avenue
Sounds Like Violence
Me & Jessi
Nikki, Terese & Johanna
Sofia & Linda
Jessi & Me
and...
MY...
CHEMICAL...
ROMANCE...!
Thx for droppin' by!
I'm pretty messed up today, we've barely slept four hours, my feet are still sore from all the mad jumping up and down and walking the streets, and I've done my last day at summer school. So you aint gonna find any clever thoughts in here tonight, sorry, guys. I just thought I'd post some of the pics I took yesterday. Enjoy, fellas!
JULY 3RD EDIT: The title belonging to the pic is the one directly above the picture. Also, Jessi noted that I'd written Sunrise Avenue on four pictures but two of them were actually Sounds of Violence. My mistake, but I've taken care of that. After all, we're all just human, aren't we?
Less Than Jake
Sunrise Avenue
Sounds Like Violence
Me & Jessi
Nikki, Terese & Johanna
Sofia & Linda
Jessi & Me
and...
MY...
CHEMICAL...
ROMANCE...!
Thx for droppin' by!
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