I'm tired of dreaming, dreaming of you... tired of having to wake. Tired of never being free. And no one really gets me? I am told I'm wasting my time, I am told I spend everything on pleasures, I am told I'm cheap, I am told I'm not trying hard enough, school and work I should manage, what's wrong with me?
Yeah. I don't really wonder what's wrong with me. I know it's not in any way sane trying to head up at 150 percent, constantly, all the time. Pleasures? C'mon, for fuck sake. I'm just trying to cling on to this life, to this existence, where I'm nothing, really, without you. And I don't want to be. I try to be independent, and I try to work, I try to function; try to be that someone, try to find comfort in words, all I fucking do is trying, and it's never enough...
One more day of these and I promise you fellas, I'm gonna fucking crash.
Hitting the wall some time crucially soon,
POET in the JAR
I know I might be the last person in the world whose words you'd need right now but just to say... Last night I felt pretty much exactly the way you just described. I hate to feel that way every now and then, it literally makes me wanna shed my skin... Because it feels, just like you said, that no matter how hard you try it's never gonna be enough. (in my case it often seems to be partly my own fault, or the fault of the structure of my twisted way of thinking).
ReplyDeleteJust... I'm sure you know you're not alone. (my weak attempt to say something nice, tho whenever I've tried it has almost always ended up in the dustbin...)
Words are always welcome, especially from anyone who keeps coming here, who believe that I matter. Your words were definitely needed... thank you. I just don't know what to do, every time I feel like things might be working out there's a setback that crushes everything, something that changes it all and turns it to the worse. I'm always worried that I won't manage and that things won't work out. And always everyone tells me it will work out, no one really understands what's behind this surface, no one really knows how close I am to crashing.
ReplyDeleteAnd being told I don't try hard enough isn't helping... when I'm already doing everything I can. I am not the kind not to try, and I'm not the kind to give up but... there's only so much one can take. you know?
And once I realize it won't matter if I try, I back out, and spend my time doing things that seem to matter to me, write my music, play the guitar, learn songs, anything... but it never means anything to the world, who believe to earn the right to matter you have to pull your straw to the stack.