After The Flames

You're back to open up my scars
The ones that had just sealed since last
And you tear things through
All of it, with all that you do

Are you happy with your happy life?
The one you built for yourself
And you wouldn't let me close
You made sure I'd know
You made sure I couldn't miss it

You're back to make me stare again
Wonder of the meaning in your words
If you made all of it go away, magically
If you succeeded to make it all worthless

Are you satisfied with where you're at?
The universe you built yourself
And you made me a distant star in it
Pretended I was undiscovered
And made sure I couldn't miss it

You're back to leave me unnamed
Blurred and worn, in a broken frame
The ashes remaining after the flames
You succeeded to make it all worthless

I'll just glow in my corner
Until my star explodes on you
I'll make sure you know
I'll make sure you couldn't miss it

Kill My Dragons

I shouldn't worry
I expected nothing of you
I shouldn't be disappointed
You were it
You just were it

I shouldn't trouble myself
Somehow I knew you
I shouldn't be confused now
That's it
That just was it

I shouldn't be afraid
I haven't lost you yet
I shouldn't be lost now
But I am
I simply am

Without the hope I made for myself
Without you to kill my dragons
The way I saw you do
When you thought I didn't see
That flare of hope is gone for me

I should have no regrets
My words weighed easily
But heavily to me
You're silent now
So am I

I should follow no signs
That will mislead me
I'll find another meaningless one
As you have already done
And I'll run

Without the hope I made for myself
Without you to kill my dragons
The way I saw you do
When you thought I didn't see
That flare of hope is gone for me

I'll run

All Awhile

Here I am,
confused again.
I've been meaningless all awhile,
you joined me in my nothing,
we bought ourselves time.
Here I am,
confused again.

There you are,
confused again.
You've been meaningful all awhile,
you joined me in my everything,
we bought ourselves a ride.
There you are,
confused again.

None of us mattered.
None of us were.
In comparison to something new
and exciting
You were quick to abandon our everything
Our everything
that was nothing
all awhile

Ode To January

You've lasted forever.
I've staggered between darkness and light.
With every day that grew brighter,
I fell down, wanting to give in.
I miss you already.
You've kept me in shadows,
in vaguely defined sin.
You seem to never end.
I've dragged myself between mileposts,
none of them seeming to matter.
You've held all that was crucial.
All that I've mourned.
I miss you already.
You encapsuled me.
I belonged here,
In your melancholy.
And now that sadness is ending.
I want to stay in my pretending.

Bullet Time

You don't see me shielding you
Do you?
You think you're the only one
Who would die
For someone else
For me
But for you
I'd take a bullet
Go into bullet time
And I'd shield you
You're all that's left
You're the only hope
In a shattered world
Where the dreams
All broke into glass
You don't feel me, under you
As you walk on the shards
Do you?
You think you're the only one
With blisters on your feet
But honey now we're bleeding
Yes both of us are bleeding
I'll be shielding you
I'll bandage you
You'll heal
I'll be bleeding

~ For Al ~

On The Attic

In my room on the attic,
I can listen to the wind.
I can let every single emotion in.
Everything that haunted me while I was alive,
I store in the attic, where memories thrive.
In my room on the attic,
the colored window's still there.
Still letting the sun play on the floor,
in a million glistening colors.
Everything I was made of while still alive,
I can see in the attic, where I thrive.
In my room on the attic,
it's empty from your voice.
The rocking chair swings, creaking,
but you're not here, speaking.
Everything I missed when I was alive
I miss a double now I've died.
___________________________

This turned out a wee lot darker than I ever thought! Wow. Did I write that? It was anyway not intended to be quite like this, but there you go with my kind of writing. Enjoy, haha.

Sleepwalker

She wants to close her eyes
While the hours pass away
Waiting for morning
Waiting for morning to come faster

But she's a sleepwalker

She wants to dream again
Like back in the days
When glory was there
When glory was just a dream away

But she's a sleepwalker

You were brought to this by pain
Afraid as you were of the world again
And again the darkness catches you
And you sleepwalk

She wants to drift off
Rest her busy mind
Imagining things
Imagining things that are better

But she's a sleepwalker

You were brought to this by pain
Afraid as you were of the world again
And again the darkness catches you
And you sleepwalk

She's walking away from everything she knew
The world had only let her know of pain
The world forgot her all the same

Again the darkness catches her
And she sleepwalks

Worse Things Have Happened To Me

I'll smile my melancholy smile,
that was really hers
I'll keep hovering over my books
I'll take my exams and fix my looks
Worse things have happened to me

I'll keep my promises and my words
There are more definite ways to be hurt
I'll keep staring at my mirror image
Hating her when she stares back
Worse things have happened to me

I'll stay around for you
Dying while you live your life
I'll keep my lookout over you
Hating that you would have been safe here
If you ever saw me
Worse things have happened to me

I'll drink my melancholy drinks,
that was really hers
The girl you thought would survive
I'll look out through the mirror glass
Hating the real person staring back
Who has died by now
Worse things have happened to me

I'll be what you always were for me
What you never noticed that I saw
Wishing to be your beautiful soul
Wishing to be what I view in awe
Worse things have happened to me

Better things have happened to me

Rainy Jack

Yellow coat, that's Rainy Jack,

pulling a smoke from his cigarette pack,
flipping open his lighter in the rain,
anything, to drown the pain.
Walks there, constantly.

Heavy boots, that's Rainy Jack,
clicking on the pavement track,
looking at the sky instead of his trail,
anything, to drown betrayal.
Walks there, dejectedly.




Slanting hat, that's Rainy Jack,
torn by the wind's every attack,
reluctant last glance over his shoulder,
anything, to drown the cold.
Walks there, everly.



One last staggering step for Rainy Jack,
One last siege and vicious attack,
and suddenly no steps stagger no more,
no steps faltering to fall.
Walks there, constantly,
in the rain,
until it all repeats again.

They All Say

They all say she's a fighter
That she kicked and punched to survive
All awhile she was drowning herself
All in a hopeless troublesome lie
She never was a fighter

They all say she's smiling
Even her melancholy smile
All awhile she had muted herself
All to quiet her screaming inside
She never really smiled

They all say she's vivid alive
That she kicked back up from everything
All awhile she let go of herself
All awhile she was falling within
She never was alive

They all say she'll make it
Time will heal self-inflicted scars
All awhile she never knew of time
Only what pieces of moments are

She never really made it

Kedjan Sitter Kvar

Likt halsbandet jag fingrar efter
som jag har tappat
har du glidit ifrån mig
har du försvunnit

Men kedjan sitter kvar

A Freak And A Fool

I'm a freak and a fool, I make things out of nothings, I'm so fucking different from everyone around me. I don't wanna be different no more, I don't wanna be this emotional person, I don't wanna be me, I don't wanna be here. I've had it of my life, of my stupid principles, of my stupid, stupid mind; enough with it, enough with it all, get it out... What good did it ever do me to believe? What good did it ever do me to be naive? To keep clinging on straws of light in the darkest days, to keep clinging on to living, when there's never any use, there's never any point. Nothing I do matters! Nothing I am will ever change things. I'm not meant to leave marks on people's lives, I'm not meant to be seen, I'm not meant to be someone anyone wants to be close to. Everything I see around me is shallow, it has no reasons, it's all unexplainable; and yet all I try to do is to define it with my worn words, and my voice is growing thin, it's faltering. I can write another hundred songs of my pathetic life, try and put in words what happens in my mind, in my heart, in my soul, but in the end nothing of it will be left of interest for anyone, nothing of it will be left.

You won't even glance over these words. Desperate words. Because I never told you all the truth. You never knew what these past few months have been like, for an unimportant soul like me, for someone too strange, for someone too insignificant, for you to even care...

Are you scared?
I am.
I'm scared of other things than what scared me yesterday, the way our fears will always change, the way the two root fears will always grow out different stems. And I can't even be mad at you. You've made that impossible.

Fuck this, why am I even ranting about it, words that you won't read, words that you won't interpret? Even if you did it would scare you away, keep you off the damaged goods, keep you off what might burst into flames and kill you if you come too close...

But I already burnt out, I'm only ashes now, back to the way I'm supposed to be, the way that seems to be destined for me. If ever there was such a foolish thing as destiny. Which I'm starting to doubt

And she pulled you in so easily, just by being, just by existing, I gave you my everything when you didn't know and it was never enough

I'll never be enough for you

Sex Is Death

Sex is death. My old teacher Ron Paul, who taught me most of what I know of literature and most of my appreciation for it as well, was right. In the old days, he'd say, the uptight Brits called orgasms "little death". But it really don't have anything to do with uptight, does it? There is a point in this statement, a statement I always thought sounded silly, just until now, just until I started thinking, as usual late at night.
Why is sex death?
Because nothing else in this world makes you cling on so desperately to living.
Isn't that it? Aren't we all just driven by two fears stronger than all other fears... the fear of dying, and the fear of being alone...? That's the reason you sleep around, looking for a comfort you'll never find in shallowness, in the momentary company. That's the reason you abandon what you know is safe, in order to do something stupid and risky, in order to escape.
In the end you're just afraid of dying.
It's silly, aint it, putting everything down the line to get some fleeting satisfaction, to get some fleeting attention, something that is never worth it, never good enough. You used to find everything you needed within your safe port, but had to abandon it, had to stretch out to see if there was something better somewhere, something different... something you had never known.
You have been doing the same thing all your life and you haven't found it yet. It's still nothing but a mirage on the horizon, still nothing but an illusion, something drifting away from you even as you visualize it before your very eyes.
You're not going to find it.
You're trying too hard to see it if you did.
Am I figuring you out? Am I finally seeing something that could be close to your essence, of your core? If ever I was, it would scare you away, pushing you from me just when I've reconciled with you again...
You don't understand it do you?
That every foolish decision made by those two oldest fears doesn't just affect you, but all of us, all of those around you?
Should I watch you as I see you, as I know your every move before you pan it out, always hoping you'll change your tracks, always knowing you won't...? Should I try and reach out and stop you, before you wreck all of us down, before you tear apart every single thing you managed to build, everything you taught us to accept.
You're abandoning the greater for the worldly. And I never had a hand in matters worldly...
Just think about it. If sex is death, you will go through your life dying a million times, before finally you're no longer walking this earth, and the only mark you'll have left behind are the tombstones, scattered after your trail, giving witness to every time you faded in your days.
I fade away too. I've died a thousand times already. But not in your ways... not the way that you do it. Not the way that you embrace it. I have come a long way to learn that sex, the little death, in the end will be insignificant, will be unimportant. In the end, when you're finally dying the greater death, all that matters will be that you can look back at your life and know w h a t y o u h a v e f e l t...
The only one you can ever know a hundred percent is yourself, it's your own emotions, it's your own feelings, what you yourself defined you by. Nothing else will ever make a difference.
So I'm giving up on little death now, leaving it be for a while. Little deaths are for those still driven by their fears. Fear of dying, fear of loneliness. And even if both of these are still the essence of me, the way they are the essence of everyone; at least I'm aware of it, and I can go to other places, seeking other things...
I'm broke, all my dreams crashed down on me the last few weeks, going from what I had last December to having virtually nothing this January, probably won't all spring; and yet... all I really care for is that I still got my car with a full tank in it... and I'll make the world from there, trying to find those shards of my dreams that scattered out here closely by, before I'll have means to go by other means...
POET iN THE Horoscope-Encouraged JAR
PS. I adress this to my sister. Give up on your foolishness, learn that there are greater things, open your eyes and see the world... without the worldly. You've made enough mistakes to have learnt it by now, all you need is someone to tell you...

Gone Bust

I feel totally hopeless, totally melancholy, soberness taking over my body. I should be sleeping already, getting rested for working tomorrow, but I can't seem to bring myself around to it... can't seem to bring myself around to much of anything. I'm so tired of being me, of being here, I just want to get out of here, and every day I see that little glimmer of hope for things to ever get better just fade away... it flickers and goes out.
I used to be able to pull it off. Holding on to small strings of light. Seeing the small in the worldly. Like the Great Poet once said, it's the little things that make the world... but I'm here now, and I feel smaller than ever, and I'm not part of this world. I'm not building it up or making it stronger. I'm just being, and barely that; drifting around waiting for everything to work out and to solve itself... waiting for something to happen.
As if it would just throw itself at me.
Like I told Al just a few minutes ago... I'm gone bust, and I'm faced with a nothingness I never saw before... I hate money. HATE it! Hate it, hate it, HATE IT!
I'm close to tears all the time, and the only thing that brightens me day is ungraspable, because bex gets in the way of speaking her mind, all the time... help me out here!
POET iN THE JAR

If They Never Ended

This is not rain, this is not snow.
There's something in the air,
what it is, I wouldn't know.
Things are different now,
things have all changed.
But if they never ended,
they'd never begin,
and neither of us would be here...
Next time come to my door with me
Ring that doorbell, turn the lock open
Don't go home alone
Don't leave me here alone

Inside Your Coat

I never want to leave this moment,
I never want it to end.
I'm in a dream.
Please don't go.
You can carry me,
inside your coat.
I'll never leave you.
I'll keep you afloat.
Even in this rain.

Tip Toe

I'm so tired of your eyes,
not knowing what's there,
wondering if I'm seeing what I see.
I'm tired of dancing with you,
tiptoeing in circles,
dancing around you,
dancing around me.
I'm tired of standing in the rain again,
not wanting to let go,
frozen in the moment.
I'm tired of everything that's you.
Everything that makes you.
Everything I promised myself I'd leave be
and by now has completely enchanted me.

Bandaid

I took a shot to get rid of you,
make your venom leave my veins.
By now my blood has been unclogged,
the needle was worth the pain.
But somehow your virus was good for me,
It taught me what it was to live.
And I want these bandaids ripped from my skin,
wishing that your poison never made it in,
or on second thought, and then again,
just that I was in the beginning...

The Well That Never Dries

Look, there goes her broken dreams,
Shattered to the wind.
Another kite, torn by the storm
She's the well that never dries.

Look, there goes her broken hopes,
On the asphalt, overrun.
Invisible, she's a lost soul now
Niagara falls from her closing eyes.

Look, there goes her everything,
Insignificant and lost.
Another wish that faltered and fell
Another someone, gone and died.

Look, there goes my broken dreams.
Shattered to the wind.
Another me, torn by the storm
I'm the well that never dries.

I Don't Hate You

Can't you see that I don't hate you?
That I done this for both our sake?
You were scaring me away,
I was intimidated,
and I fled.
I remember when you
were still in my bed.

Can't you see that I don't hate you?
That I done this to survive?
It has torn and torn at my self esteem,
keeping this scar,
of a friendship,
alive.
I remember when we both would thrive.

Can't you see that I still strangely love you?
And the people we both used to be?
And that's exactly why I can't let you close
to me.
I remember when I thought it differently.