I'm a freak and a fool, I make things out of nothings, I'm so fucking different from everyone around me. I don't wanna be different no more, I don't wanna be this emotional person, I don't wanna be me, I don't wanna be here. I've had it of my life, of my stupid principles, of my stupid, stupid mind; enough with it, enough with it all, get it out... What good did it ever do me to believe? What good did it ever do me to be naive? To keep clinging on straws of light in the darkest days, to keep clinging on to living, when there's never any use, there's never any point. Nothing I do matters! Nothing I am will ever change things. I'm not meant to leave marks on people's lives, I'm not meant to be seen, I'm not meant to be someone anyone wants to be close to. Everything I see around me is shallow, it has no reasons, it's all unexplainable; and yet all I try to do is to define it with my worn words, and my voice is growing thin, it's faltering. I can write another hundred songs of my pathetic life, try and put in words what happens in my mind, in my heart, in my soul, but in the end nothing of it will be left of interest for anyone, nothing of it will be left.
You won't even glance over these words. Desperate words. Because I never told you all the truth. You never knew what these past few months have been like, for an unimportant soul like me, for someone too strange, for someone too insignificant, for you to even care...
Are you scared?
I am.
I'm scared of other things than what scared me yesterday, the way our fears will always change, the way the two root fears will always grow out different stems. And I can't even be mad at you. You've made that impossible.
Fuck this, why am I even ranting about it, words that you won't read, words that you won't interpret? Even if you did it would scare you away, keep you off the damaged goods, keep you off what might burst into flames and kill you if you come too close...
But I already burnt out, I'm only ashes now, back to the way I'm supposed to be, the way that seems to be destined for me. If ever there was such a foolish thing as destiny. Which I'm starting to doubt
And she pulled you in so easily, just by being, just by existing, I gave you my everything when you didn't know and it was never enough
I'll never be enough for you
I have a song In my mind, A song that always brightened your days.. A song I really wanted to post here now.
ReplyDeleteBut somehow it wount come out of my head...
For some reason, the future and the past seems to fading away...
But some memories will never disappear... They are loocked safe inside the box you gave me...
And it is those that helps me thru my days...
A lifetime is worth sacrificing to be able to know that you are really happy again..
Take care of yourself and your friends "blomman"
I know the rain will stop and the sun will fight its way back and with it the real you, the happy becci,
And with the end of the rain, rainbows will come to guide you to your destiny.
// Genie
I know that song... I would ask you to sing it to me whenever I felt the world was towering up on me, which was often :P
ReplyDeleteI am glad you keep those memories safe. I keep them safe too. All inside my box. My copy of it :) But I don't want them to be all that gets you through the day :/ You have so many things in your life that is more beautiful, more amazing... that should get you by...
I am already sacrificing everything to get happy again... don't sacrifice yours. I want you to live your life and to be happy. I don't know anything that will make me happy now, and not anything that anyone will give up will help me in this. It'll just take time.
It means a lot that you don't hate me. Thank you. =)