Sex Is Death

Sex is death. My old teacher Ron Paul, who taught me most of what I know of literature and most of my appreciation for it as well, was right. In the old days, he'd say, the uptight Brits called orgasms "little death". But it really don't have anything to do with uptight, does it? There is a point in this statement, a statement I always thought sounded silly, just until now, just until I started thinking, as usual late at night.
Why is sex death?
Because nothing else in this world makes you cling on so desperately to living.
Isn't that it? Aren't we all just driven by two fears stronger than all other fears... the fear of dying, and the fear of being alone...? That's the reason you sleep around, looking for a comfort you'll never find in shallowness, in the momentary company. That's the reason you abandon what you know is safe, in order to do something stupid and risky, in order to escape.
In the end you're just afraid of dying.
It's silly, aint it, putting everything down the line to get some fleeting satisfaction, to get some fleeting attention, something that is never worth it, never good enough. You used to find everything you needed within your safe port, but had to abandon it, had to stretch out to see if there was something better somewhere, something different... something you had never known.
You have been doing the same thing all your life and you haven't found it yet. It's still nothing but a mirage on the horizon, still nothing but an illusion, something drifting away from you even as you visualize it before your very eyes.
You're not going to find it.
You're trying too hard to see it if you did.
Am I figuring you out? Am I finally seeing something that could be close to your essence, of your core? If ever I was, it would scare you away, pushing you from me just when I've reconciled with you again...
You don't understand it do you?
That every foolish decision made by those two oldest fears doesn't just affect you, but all of us, all of those around you?
Should I watch you as I see you, as I know your every move before you pan it out, always hoping you'll change your tracks, always knowing you won't...? Should I try and reach out and stop you, before you wreck all of us down, before you tear apart every single thing you managed to build, everything you taught us to accept.
You're abandoning the greater for the worldly. And I never had a hand in matters worldly...
Just think about it. If sex is death, you will go through your life dying a million times, before finally you're no longer walking this earth, and the only mark you'll have left behind are the tombstones, scattered after your trail, giving witness to every time you faded in your days.
I fade away too. I've died a thousand times already. But not in your ways... not the way that you do it. Not the way that you embrace it. I have come a long way to learn that sex, the little death, in the end will be insignificant, will be unimportant. In the end, when you're finally dying the greater death, all that matters will be that you can look back at your life and know w h a t y o u h a v e f e l t...
The only one you can ever know a hundred percent is yourself, it's your own emotions, it's your own feelings, what you yourself defined you by. Nothing else will ever make a difference.
So I'm giving up on little death now, leaving it be for a while. Little deaths are for those still driven by their fears. Fear of dying, fear of loneliness. And even if both of these are still the essence of me, the way they are the essence of everyone; at least I'm aware of it, and I can go to other places, seeking other things...
I'm broke, all my dreams crashed down on me the last few weeks, going from what I had last December to having virtually nothing this January, probably won't all spring; and yet... all I really care for is that I still got my car with a full tank in it... and I'll make the world from there, trying to find those shards of my dreams that scattered out here closely by, before I'll have means to go by other means...
POET iN THE Horoscope-Encouraged JAR
PS. I adress this to my sister. Give up on your foolishness, learn that there are greater things, open your eyes and see the world... without the worldly. You've made enough mistakes to have learnt it by now, all you need is someone to tell you...