Found My Style?

Here're a few pieces I drew yesterday. Bugs me that apparently this is not enough talent to get into Arts class. I'd die to get to see what kind of stuff the other people sent in. Fuck.
Anyways, people, enjoy. The notebook gallery is about to close, so watch out from here and on, I'll post my art right here amongst the craziness...

Fall In Grace

>>>>>we fall in grace<<<<<
>>>and watch the stars<<<<
>>>>>who are you?<<<<<<
>>>>>>>to hold?<<<<<<<<
>>>>>>>to touch?<<<<<<<
>>>>>>to embrace?<<<<<<
>>>>>>>either way<<<<<<
>>>we fall in grace<<<

Coffee!

Damn,
I had a poem on my tongue this morning.
Where has it possibly gone?
I only needed to remember two words,
but I just remember them wrong!
Oh wait, there was a word in the end of a line,
that seems to be close to mind...
but what does that help?
I still can't really find the first few lines
that made the last worthwhile...
Damn,
I had a poem on my tongue this morning.
Did I swallow it with my coffee?

Completion

How can they know?
Honestly?
They go on and on about how they've found the meaning of life, how suddenly everything seems to be destiny, how your heart is filled by the most glorious of happiness while all those holes that used to eat your soul have been faded away. I'm fine with that. I'm good. There's no problem. Just as long as they don't try to fucking bullshit me that as soon as I find whatever it is that they've found that did it for them, I'm gonna be balooney happy.
That, is, bullshit.
So what? I don't care if becoming a mom, or going to yoga twice a week, or finding the right guy, is what makes it for other people. What makes them complete and fills their fucking holes. They can just walze off and be happy as carrots for all I fucking care.
Just don't tell me how to be happy.
I don't have a fucking button to press.
I don't have a tap to open and pour my sadness out.
If you wanna live, and you wanna go on, and you wanna be all whoopsie-daisies, that's fine and dandy.
But don't make me.
I'll find my own way to do it.
I'm not like you...

My Aces

Here's another poem I wrote for the kids in my class.
It's about me having faith in them, and what they might one day become, despite what the world has decided to do with them.
It's about me, caring more for the moment, and these souls,
than fulfilling my own selfish and stupid dreams.

I can see our students playing around!
I can hear them laughing,
I can hear their sounds.
I wouldn't want these weeks to go completely to waste,
and this day is an appetizer, just of my taste.
The smell of success is here,
and we may not be perfect,
but we're very near...

/Poem to my group

I'm Bound

I can see you leaving me.
I can hear all those voices fading.
I can still smell your skin,
and I remember
how your neck
never tasted.
How your voice
never quite would sound.
All my senses remember you,
and to my senses,
I am bound.
______________________

Wrote this while in class with my students out in the park last week. The assignment we'd given them was to write one sentence for something they could experience with each one of their five senses. This we later wrote nicely and neatly on new sheets, and declared their texts to be poems (which of course offended them hugely, but managed to bring a few scattered embarrassed smiles among their bright little faces). Naturally, had we told them we were going to the park to write poems, they would have chained themselves to the ground and refused to leave the classroom or alternatively the corridors, but this way we made them do it. And hopefully for a small while they could all feel like they'd created something useful, something real. Being real poets for a while (even if they pretend to find all poetry cheesy beyond reason). I love doing assignments like this, it really brings out the best of them, and the best part of it is to see them smile and laugh when they finally get the gist of what we've tricked them into doing. For a while there, they admit it that we've been clever enough to fool them into actually doing something, and somehow we're respected for it.
Strange, that feeling. That we're different than their regular teachers and that we can bring out things in them that they didn't know they had in them themselves. Strange, bringing out that feeling in them that they are different. That they count. Are important. And not a waste.
Too many of these kids think they're for no good. But I've seen so much good in them. I just know they have it in them. And I want to believe it. I want to believe they're good, that we're all good, that we've got that little core inside us that can be appealed to. That can be adressed.
It makes me so angry that my students are always the ones to be blamed for everything that goes even the slightest wrong. Today the janitor gave us the crash course in how much it'd cost to clean up what some of the kids had been scribbling on the walls, and everyone just turned to me, assuming it was my kids having done it. I don't know how you feel about it, but no matter what their regular teachers tell them, they are not dumb enough to scribble down their own names all over the stairs. I'm quite convinced some of the other kids might have done it just to get my kids in trouble, they're not well liked among the others. And still they all just assume it's them that did it. Without even asking them, without asking me. I had full control over the kids for practically all day, I seriously doubt they did it while I was gone for a total of five minutes during the entire day, and while the other English teacher had them in check for me. Or what? Can they perform magic? Can they walk through walls or become invisible?
The kids I teach might be loud and they might be messed up, but they're fucking harmless. No use in blaming them for everything without at least looking into it first. This means tomorrow I gotta do the serious talk with them which I just know is gonna make them even more completely against school, against authority, against being there. Just when I'm starting to get to them, to gain their confidence, gain their trust.
Damn.
Well, anyway, about this poem. Seeing as my kids were doing their very best chasing after experiences with their five senses to write down in their books (watching the bees, swimming in the pond, etcetera), I somehow found time to catch a few fleeting sentences forming this little piece. It tells of how something wonderful and new, something bright, and able to fly, can suddenly flicker and almost fade... just because you know that somehow just the thought won't cut it.
The thoughts won't be enough.
I wish they would.
Wish you could feed off your memories, and your daydreams. Of your imagination. Of your wings, growing out your back, that you never really owned but that nevertheless, for a fragment of just a single second, made you feel like you could rise from the ground for a few inches.
Made you feel something at all.
Made you free of this despair.
The darkness.
Find the fool you used to be, and in the foolishness you used to believe.
For just a moment I'd like to keep to that feeling, stick to it, wanting to grasp it, and clutch it more tightly than ever. Just hold on to it, and believe in all those illusions.
In the dreams.
I wanna believe I can live off the idea.
And I don't wanna see it all go away with a puff of air.
Not again.
I'm too tired to die away.
Too sore in my eyes to cry these days.
I wanna believe that I can live.
For a while.

The Surreal of the Real Deal

Dear online substitute for expensive paper pages and beautiful black ink,
I'm riding on a wave of naivete which I am hoping will carry me on, and out of this time's hollow. I've been way down but I'm starting, slowly, to bounce back up onto my feet. If that means I may daydream, drift off, fly with the flutter of invisible butterflies, and be amazed at the indication of a rainbow in the sky... shouldn't I?
What does it matter if it's all surreal?
If the feeling of something on my face resembling a smile is strange, and I'm not accustomed to it?
I can get used to it. I can make use of it. I can take all these happy thoughts and all these wondrous moments, all these late nights and all these neverending talks, I can take the borderline between dreaming and being awake in the morning and experience them as being born again... I can start to forget how to dwell on the past and how to worry of the future, I can forget all the problems, all the hardships, all the downsides, all the pain, I can just close my eyes for a few seconds imagining it's all gone, gone for a while...
And I can imagine that it's here. And now. Not far away... I can imagine we're actually doing all those things we say that we're doing. I can paint a picture inside my head that when I'm going home, it's going home for real. It's not the substitute I'm going for, it's the real deal.
That I can imagine...
I can imagine for a while.
And I aint gonna listen to that inner voice telling me it's all for nothing.
That voice that's telling me I'm being set up.
That says over and over that I'm a fool... that going in to deep will mean sooner or later you'll drown.
That the good always is followed by pain.
I'll pretend it isn't there.
The funny thing is... I don't have to make an effort.
Already I'm doing it.
Dreaming...
... or am I for once awake?

Romanced To Be

The more I look,
the more I see.
Dream away.
I dream I'm free.
Something.
It's magic.
Reaches for me.
And I stumble.
I'm stunned.
Romanced to be.

Hello, Butterflies

I haven't felt them for quite a while.
But you brought them out,
and made them flicker.
You made them fly.

I haven't felt it for quite some time.
But you brought it to my heart,
and brought it to my eyes.
I can't stop smiling,
and I can't explain why.

I've been walking in eternal night.
Only known wrongs, never rights.
But you brought me light.
Hello, butterflies...

Dust

I hold my head high,
after that phrase of yours.
Dance along with silly tunes,
like a silly animal in a silly cartoon.
I hold my head up high and try to fly,
but you rip my guts out,
time after time.

I walk up straight today,
don't normally walk that way.
Find laughter in the smallest flower,
time passes quickly, hour after hour.
I walk up straight and sing and mime,
but you rip my guts out,
time after time.

I cling on to that straw,
use it for breath, and listen in awe.
Chase the loneliness demons off,
with bunches of garlic and a silly cross.
I cling on to that straw inside my mind,
but you rip my guts out,
time after time.

Leave me here, with your whispers, in the sand.
The dust of your dying promise, in my hand.
The echo of that phrase of yours, as music in my ears.
Close my eyes to the storm, and you're almost here.
To you I've already died,
but all awhile, I kept you alive.

I was too late to live off the things you could buy.
I know you have to heal by leaving me behind.
So I let you rip my guts out,
time after time...

Live To Tell

Who are you?
Your face is not known to me.
Your traits are not familiar.
Your voice I've never listened to.
I don't know who,
now who are you?
You look in the camera,
but you don't see
that I took that picture,
now how can that be?
I don't know you,
now who are you?
My face is not known to you.
You don't know how I used to sing.
You don't know me or anything.
You know me by rumour
as you dance in your ring.
Who are you?
Are you the mirror image
of who I could have been?
Are you the punishment
for the time I sinned?
Your face is not known to me.
Yet you make my life hell.
Hell has its heroes, that may be,
but I'll never live to tell.

Squeeze, Smash, Stomp

Don't know what's up. It's been a good day. Real good. Done what I should. Had some cheesecake. Hooked up with an old childhood friend. Etcetera. And still that fucking phone call is what bothers me.
Why can't I just let it be?
Why is it so hard to move on?
Always late... too late... and... it should be easy. It shouldn't feel like this. It feels like I've been betrayed, like there's no trust left. But I was the one to leave, I was the one to walk out. I don't have any right to say anything. I may have right to grieve what I've lost... but it's nothing but tragic that I can't be happy about other people being happy. Can't be happy that he's happy. Maybe it's because somehow, my stubborn self keeps telling me he's found happiness in someone else. That I wasn't enough to make him happy. And despite myself... my feelings... and despair... this just makes me think, well... I should let him go. For his sake, you know? If this is what it took for him to find joy in life then I should let him...
So why?
Why does it suddenly squeeze my heart? Smash it? Throw it to the ground and have someone stomp on it...?
I don't know.
Mum says, it's not been a whole year yet since I got off the pill, and just now is when I'm starting to become my old self. Why is that? Cause if all this... going back and forth... changing my mind... is all due to that... then I fucking hate them more than ever.
I thought it'd get better. I'd find my path. I'd find my signs. But there aren't any... no signs anywhere... and I'm just more lost, more lost than ever.

I believed that we would always be family. And I still want to believe in it.
I can see why but... you're walking out on me...
I walked out first and now you've had enough... you're leaving me.

Break Us Down

What can I do when you're my only thought?
Even though I was the one
to wave you off
What can I do when you're gone?

See me,
Hear me,
Take me in
the way you used to do
Be me,
Know me,
Break me down,
the way we used to

What can I do, I know I didn't deserve you
Even when I was the one
and you were mine
What meaning is there to it all
when you're gone
I thought you'd stay a little
but I was all wrong

See me,
Hear me,
Take me in
the way you used to do
Be me,
Know me,
Leave me out,
like you are getting used to doing

What can I say more than what flows out
of my veins in words
Is everything not enough for you?
Why is everything black or white
whenever you decide
Is nothing ever grey to you?

See me,
Hear me,
Take me in
like you used to do
Be me,
Know me,
Break us down,
the way we used to

A Thousand Times

You used to tell me everything.
You don't tell me anymore.
I'm listening, trying to read it out,
in between the lines.

I'm fine, like I told you a thousand times,
I'm fine, I'll be okay.
Do what you're already doing good,
leave me be, and walk away.

You used to share your days with me.
You don't have time anymore.
I'm turning back all the hours,
trying to make it count.

I'm fine, like I told you a thousand times,
I'm fine, I'll be okay.
Do what you're already doing good,
leave me be, go make your day.

I'm not much to keep in your heart,
I'm not much for you to remember,
Don't waste your memory on little cold deserted me.

I'm fine, like I told you a thousand times at least
I'm fine, I'm soon okay.
Do what you're already doing good,
leave me in the cold, every day.

Be fine, like I told you a hundred times,
Be good, you'll be okay.
I told you we'd both recover good,
leave me be, go make your day.

Less Than Reason

It's not easy.
Who said it would be?
My mum's solution for all kinds of problems is "everything happens for a reason". Whatever problem you lay before her feet, she immediately starts pondering in detail what the reason for it happening could be. It can drive me totally bonkers! Believe that there's a greater destiny for all you want, but admit it, we humans mess things up perfectly on our own, without any divine intervention. Sometimes it seems to me that people hide behind the "reason" idea so that they can just pass everything on as "meant to be", accept it, and live on.
Am I stupid not to do that?
Sure as hell I'd like to believe it. Sure as hell it'd make everything so much fucking easier. And why?
Let me tell you why.
It's because the idea was invented for all those people out there in the world who aren't grown enough to take responsibility for their own actions. Cause - effect. If I slap you in the face, you will be hurt. If I give you a compliment, you will probably smile. Cause - effect! Nothing else.
But my Mum goes, "well, if you hadn't done that, then this and that wouldn't have happened" and makes all the fucking bad stuff appear as though they paved the way for some mysterious, greater good, some mysterious, greater purpose.
I don't buy it.
If I screw up, I've screwed up, and I gotta face it, gotta deal with it, and have it overwith. I gotta face the anxiety and the regrets.
All you others just try to catch the easy way out...

Zombie

Hear the eagerness in your voice
Telling me everything good
and safe
you've been through
And I laugh along,
but I don't laugh with you...

Hear the pleas inside your voice
Telling me to buy your goods
and have faith
in what you've been through
And I smile along,
but I don't smile with you...

Hear the sorrow in your voice
Telling me it isn't there
It's over,
what I put you through
And I sing along,
but I don't sing with you...

Hear the innocence return to your voice
See that life over death
was your painful choice
And I dance along,
but I don't dance with you...

Pretend along,
that I didn't die with you...

That Comic Strip

I'm dying to do some novelling work, especially since I read through a piece of Raven's making, it feels like it's been ages. I opened up the document the other day and just started to read through it from the start to you know, look at it with fresh eyes, so I know what it's all about. It took me about four pages before I stumbled across something that didn't pan out. It read something like "by the end of my first year there"... while a few chapters after that, it says the main character's been at this place for like three years. Don't even know how to fix that up, three years sounds like such a cliché... but then again, it's gotta be more than just one year or the story doesn't add up... and yet again, it might be best if the reader doesn't get to know at all how long time he's been there?
It's to keep that balance, peeps, between showing, and telling. One of the best tips on writing I ever got, and it was from the literary critic who criticized my manuscript after it'd been accepted by the agency. You gotta keep a nice balance between showing and telling. It makes a better narrative to show the character's emotions and thoughts by how they behave, and act, and speak; than to tell the reader bluntly. You have to involve the reader, she told me, and I've taken that tip to heart.
I know for a fact that I love those kind of stories best as well, so for me, the tip works fine when I'm writing. It's no fun if nothing's left for you to figure out by yourself as a reader. Which also reminds me of something Stephen King said about writing, that as a writer you must know ten times more about everything that's going on, than will end up being mediated to the reader.
Embrace my wisdom, people. Ha, ha... meaning, embrace these other dudes saying something clever which I am nice enough to quote and then half-heartedly try and pass on as my own in a late night blog post...

Another thing.

I know I'm not the one to pass judgment. And I know I'm not really entitled to react in certain ways when certain people act in certain ways. But sometimes... damn. I thought it'd be good enough to be honest. And I thought people'd be honest with me. Also... I didn't think it'd hurt this much. Guess I've learned my lesson by now... guess it's all fair by now.
Really... feels like I've been thrown right back into my old self. And I don't think it's just because of this, I think it's all the stuff that's been going on lately. Feels like there's no use in trusting anyone, and that I don't really deserve to be happy. I'm like that guy in that comic strip who's sitting on this nice little meadow, with flowers and bunnies and the sun shining and all, and then you get to see the inside of his head, and there it's all in black and in darkness and full of monsters... yeah. That's me in a nutshell right now and I dunno what to do about it, except piling up work allover myself so that there's something I can hide underneath... somewhere I can go.

What bugs me is this... that little thing... I know it's not much, but ... it made the world of a difference to me. I spent all last night feeling anxious about it, dwelling about it, I mean, I had a really nice time with my friends, it wasn't that... just that in my mind I was someplace else. Somewhere in the dark depths of me, that hole in me, just pondering. And wondering. And all awhile he... and... damn! I want him to be happy... but somehow, unexplainably, I'm scared to death this will lead to something, that he'll... that he'll... that it'll evolve, that it'll come to something more than what we ever had. And that's when I'll go back to being my old usual invisible self. My old indifferent self. Where all the flowers, and all the sunshine, and the bunnies, and the meadow, won't matter.

Cause I'll only see the monsters.

What's wrong with me? Why can't I just be happy about stuff? There are so many things to be happy about in my life right now, and still I'm always, constantly, unhappy, things I do cause me to laugh for a while, but the dark undertone is still there.

Friends, don't listen too hard on me on this, because these are problems I've had all my life, and I'm not saying I don't notice you. You guys make it endurable, and more than that. Don't know what I'd do without you, really... I'm glad you keep your faith in me at least.

Damn I feel egoistic... allright. Gonna shut up about my own problems now and let's talk about something more important and good for the common cause.

...

...

... so... what's up?

Only Smoke When You Are Drunk

Allright, here's the indie song I promised you.

How does it feel to taste it?
In your mouth
and on your tongue

How does it feel to see it glow
instead of you?

How does it feel to draw
that venom
down your lungs

When you know as well as I
you hate it

Things are never as good as they seem
And still we long to taste it
If we do our dreams dissolve
You get too close,
too real,
too mean

So only smoke when you are drunk
And blame it on the drinks
Only smoke when you are drunk

Only inhale, exhale, all that junk
when you are drunk
Only smoke when you are drunk

All the glamour in a pill
for you to take
The easy escape in a kill
for you to make

How does it feel when your addictions clash?
You know that you're addicted
How does it feel to be controlled?
It takes your role

When we do our dreams dissolve

So only smoke when you are drunk
and blame it on the drinks
Only smoke when you are drunk

Only smoke when you are drunk
Only exhale, inhale
When you're drunk

How does it feel to be addicted to life?

_______________________________

Right, so to begin with the form of this song was quite different from what I usually write, but while typing it, it grew more and more similar to my normal style. I've tried to keep the originial aura of the lyrics while rewriting it, and still think it breathes of something a bit unusual, a bit new. Hope you'll enjoy this slow song, about being tempted, addicted, and drawn to things we know we have no business doing with - I enjoyed it a lot while writing it (singing in my car at 1 AM in the morning as it should be).

The Write Thing To Do

Right, fellas! So it's offically over and done with! This is the day after my second tattoo and I'm really surprised about how it's turning out. The last one took only like twenty-five minutes but hurt and itched for all the time it healed up, I sure expected the same but like ten times the pain and itchiness this time, ha ha. It took three hours in total to make it, and it covers basically all of my left forearm, and I'm absolutely in love with it. The fact that it hasn't itched or anything yet only suggests to me that I'm getting into the habit, taking good care of it, and made a good choice going to a different tattoo artist. I'm very happy with the result, that is, the like twenty minutes each day that I can actually enjoy looking at it without having to peer through the thick layer of lotion constantly covering it.
Ah, it'll be nice when I don't have to do that jibberish... but now is definitely not the time to be sloppy if I wanna be able to live with it for the rest of my life! Haha. Well, I haven't had any trouble with it yet (if you don't count how not used I am to it, looking down and wondering what the hell of a monster is on my arm), except that I have to keep it covered when in the sun, meaning long sweaty days of longsleeves in the boiling heat. It really is unusually warm right now, and that I celebrate by covering myself up, haha! On the other hand the moment I go inside to get cool I have to walze around in t-shirts or something in order to give the tattoo enough of air. What a balance there! I got a few pics of it, but they were all taken when it was still in plastic and pretty much looked like shit, so I'll keep you guys waiting and post a better pic, without the lotion, the plastic, and when the colours aren't as bright but more faded as they should be.

Got an exam in a few hours, I'll be going to bed soon as I've fetched my laundry from the cellar. Lucky buggar me, got my hands on an appointment just four hours ago, someone'd cancelled theirs... it was all mine to snatch! And so I did, which was a lifesaver. I could bore you with the details but I'll simply leave it at, well, I could no longer enter my walkin closet without risking my death being crushed underneath the weight of the piles of clothes somewhere in its depths.

Also wrote a song about smoking while driving home from Mum and Dad's yesterday, called "Only Smoke When You Are Drunk", but then managed to forget the Notepad over at Ruby's. (Why did I write that with a big N?) You'll have to wait a bit for it... it's more indie style than I usually write, a bit experimental, but it's nice, I'm happy with it. And naturally, the answer to your question is no, it's not actually about smoking, but it's where I got the idea. It's a metaphor for addiction and our tendency to get drawn to what we know are bad for us.

But I guess you could have figured that out, couldn't you? You're all clever!

Tried all the local shops to get my hands on new online game Age of Conan today, but failed all over. The only copies left were Collector's Editions and I didn't think I'd afford me one of those, but when browsing through the online shops later, it seemed to be the only version available. So yeah... I kinda ordered it. Hope it'll arrive before the weekend, I'm looking forward to it a lot, tried it out at Ruby's house and even me, who've been very sceptical towards it, enjoyed it beyond reason, basically.

I got this weird idea about a novel project... I'm dying to get my hands on it and just throw myself into it, but I'm equally enthusiastic about my adventure novel, so I'm gonna stick to that for a while. Can't wait til next week when school's finally, FINALLY over, so I can just write away! That, my dear ones, is the time when I will again teach myself the literary discipline: shut down MSN and the Net, damnit, unplug it, even, and just force myself to sit with the project. No matter what comes out of it. We'll see where it all lands! But for everyone who's been with me from the beginning on this, fear not, I've more ideas and energy for it than ever. Only exams stand in the way...

THERE iS NO WRiTE OR WRONG WAY TO DO iT,
says your newly tattoo-ed and currently cheerful,
Poet IN THE Jar

Machete

I went hunting my naivete
in the jungle of our lives.
Swept off with my machete
cutting through my own denial.

What will it take to make me see?

When I water a tree, another one burns,
So does my heart.
My selfish self is trying to learn
telling rain and fiery flames apart.

You mirrored my insecurity,
sent the beams back in my eyes.
And now I'm not looking for scapegoats to be,
they were all a bunch of lies.

Is this what it took to make me see
that the problem always lies with me?

When I water a tree, another one burns,
So does my heart.
My selfish self is trying to learn
telling rain and fiery flames apart.

I'll keep my extinguisher close
to put out your tired fire,
And have the matches ready for you
when you're drenched in your desire,
I'll chase off the bad the way it should be,
and not worry if anything's left for me.

When I water a tree, another one burns,
So does my heart.
My selfish self is trying to learn
telling falling rain and flames apart.

Some waters will always burn
Some tides will always turn
Somehow now I'm trying to learn

I'm trying to learn about you.
___________________________

I wrote this song for you, Alev. Have patience with me until you get to hear it.
Warm huggles for you along with a teddy bear and a great "SORRY!" sign!

On Your Leash

Did you see me when I fell
down the lonely road to hell
See me anxious and in despair
How I was caught
by your flare

Were you glad to see me go
cause you were certain
I wouldn't last
I'd be run over by life as soon
as I got out of the past

Did you call me for my voice?
Or was it just your only choice?
I'm still on your leash
In your eyes
At least

So keep calling, keep me close
Fend off the lost cause
And smile

We were never better

Only Logic

I know I must have loved you
Why else would it tear me apart?
I know there must have been feelings
or I wouldn't be sore in my heart.
Now my betrayal has turned on me,
more than it ever did,
and still I knew how it was going to be,
I thought I'd be ready when it did.
And even though I have no right
to grieve what we have lost,
I never knew the cost.
It's the price for me to pay
to agonize,
and it's only logic
that I don't sleep at night.
Still, I must have loved you...
Why else would it make me feel?

Pennies On Your Eyes

Should I dig me a hole in the ground
where I can lie
and shed my tears
undisturbed

Would that make it better?

Should I put pennies on your eyes
so you can die
without fear
with a clear conscious

Would that make it better?

I know I've stained your silk beliefs
or did I lift the blind from your eyes?
Regardless of which
I know this wasn't your scenery
I'm sorry you've had it ruined because of me

Drained And Drowning

I've been drained,
and I've drowned
in the flood of feelings
that isn't there.

I've been chained,
and I've been crowned
by all the warm faces
that aren't there.

Where is the sun
to brighten my day?
Where is the nightfall
to darken it?

They've crashed together
inside me
until we all faded.

My body is just a handfull of cells
as are our souls.
Unable to feel,
when pain is too real,
we live on,
and I'll live on.

Needle And Stone

You see a hammer in a needle
and a mountain in a stone
Crossroads what separates you
from your home
Enlarge everything,
make mass out of nothing
You don't see the needle,
or the stone
And of that you're not alone

Famous And Lost

Finally got hold of them famous lost pieces of writing mentioned on Raven's site... so I thought I'd put them up. Strangely only one of them seems better than I remember. Can you guess which one?
Just came home from one of the last exams of the term, and it was a friggin' retake. Can you believe it? It was actually, in fact, word by word, exactly the same exam as last time I took it. Exactly! It was the exact same text to translate, and the essay topics were exactly the same. It'll be quite interesting to see how the grade changes - if it changes - when the circumstances were all the same as last time, except this time I knew I couldn't make a "too free" translation, and oh also that I took the entire exam with a fever and kept spreading my lovely cough to everyone in the exam hall. The translation part went better this time, I think... but the essay part sucked. Can't believe you gotta redo both parts if you only fail one. Crappy.
Anyway, 13 days left for final submission of giant essay, only 11 days left to the tattoo! I'm really excited about it, I'm starting to get over the "I'm so scared" kind of nervousness, and am now more looking forward to it... although I have to admit it aint gonna be no dance on any roses, ha, ha. Well, it'll be worthwhile pain. I'm not too worried.
Right. So enjoy these pieces from me the best you can. I will come again soon...

Labels

Who am I to tell you anything?
To try and dampen your fall?
Who am I to believe I'm more
than simply nothing at all?

Break my shell,
force your way in,
Break your spell,
get out of my skin.

Who am I to know your name?
To cling on to the key to your door?
Who am I to use it in locks
I know it was never for?

Break my shell,
force your way in,
Break your spell,
get out of my skin.

Who is that echo of my voice?
And the consequences of my choice?
I label you, baptize you,
to make you real,
but the closer I get to naming you,
the more far away I feel.

Break my shell,
force your way in,
Break your spell,
get out of my skin.

Break my shell,
Break with the past,
Break your magic,
take your spell away at last.

Never To Retrieve

Fetch me.
Someone threw me out the window,
Never to retrieve.

Traces Of Salt

I'm a stone in your eye
Why won't you leave me be?
I'll never know what you see in me

I'm a stone on your shoulder
Why won't you lift me off?
I'll never know why you carry me on

Go on with the flow,
You're the river,
You're the boat,
I'm only the traces of salt
going down your throat

I'm alone in denial
Why won't you let me be?
I'll never know why you keep seeing me

I'm the poison in the vial
Why won't you pour me out?
I'll never know why you dwell in doubt

Go on with the flow,
You're the river,
You're the boat,
I'm only the traces of salt
going down your throat

Set your sails
Be gone from me
I'll watch you, stranded,
as you go
Steer away
Set yourself free
I'll grieve for you, stranded,
as you go

Go on with the flow,
You're the river,
You're the boat,
I'm only the traces of salt
going down your throat

Ups And Downs

Geez, still digesting this weekend... memories for life, to say the least. I get goosebumps just thinking about it! Wow, listening to the songs now afterwards really gives me shivers... suddenly they sound so much more alive and real.

There is a good reason why barely anyone has anything bad to say about this band.

Well, not doing much today, except trying to make time pass, and all the ways in which I try to do that only manage to make me restless. I still can't speak with this god forsaken nonexistant voice of mine, it's like every time the phone rings, I go like, oh no....! Cause it hurts that much to talk, ha, ha. Also got fever and the whole shebang, but who cares.

When I woke up this morning, my eyebrow piercing had bled. Bad sign. Gotta take it out and make a thorough cleanup.

Only 19 days left to tattoo... getting nervous, nervous, nervous.

Damnit, got work the entire next week, have no idea how to get the energy to do it. Been home from school for two days now and it's like I just don't care, you know? I know I got loads of stuff to do and exams coming up but it's like I've just given up. I have no energy for this anymore. I just look at my books and then go to do something entirely else. I don't mind. I'll probably pass my exams anyway, they're not exactly Einstein level, but it still makes me feel like crap. Found myself in a strange state this morning after I'd woken up and decided I was not well enough for school... couldn't sleep, couldn't move, I just lay there like, staring at the ceiling. I must have been like that for around half an hour before I finally dragged my Ipod into bed and tried to get some sleep with help of POTF... but sleep didn't come until much later, I listened through the entire track list of the weekend's gigs before I managed to sleep however lightly.

I'm a bit worried about myself, since entering that dormant catatonic state is normally a sign of upcoming depression for me. I don't wanna talk about it with anyone, like my Mum for example, cause the last few times this happened she was convinced I'd try to kill myself and wanted me to go to some old shrink, and that, I don't want. It's better that she worries about herself with all her medications and surgeries going on and all the energy she's got left after that she should be spending on worrying about last minute preparations for their trip to Greece.

Hehe, fancy that idea, every time Mum and Dad goes anywhere fun or does anything fun, they leave me and sis behind to cover work. Yay... so sick of it. I got my own life, like... so fucking sick of that place I don't want anything what so ever to do with it, like ever again. The moment I enter there I want out again. The only thing making it a bit worthwhile to stick around there is my co-worker Michael who's cynical and funny like fuck... ha, ha. No seriously... it's great to stand slaving at work when you know that the reason you're there is for everyone else to be free and do something fun.

The place in life for students, hehe.

Well, can't do without it either. Without work I'd be on the streets, even with as many student loans as I got... believe me, there's a reason why all students keep complaining about their economy.

Fuck.

Ruby just called, making me even more down. I don't know, but he tends to make me feel so down whenever he calls. It reminds me of everything, all the stuff I did that was crap and all the stuff I didn't do that was even worse. Reminds me of how bad I am as a person, which he isn't slow to tell me to my face, either. I need space. It's just, if he only could understand that the less I saw him, the happier those faces got, those memories we shared, the more sparkling they were. If I saw him every once in a while it'd be so much more fun.

Woke up this morning with tears streaming from my eyes. I don't know why. Maybe it was something I dreamt. Maybe it was just life.

Fuck.

When Dreams Come True Twice

Allrightie, here follows the gig report from the weekend - the best experience I ever had in my life!

Originally submitted at The Forum

Brace yourselves, lengthy post ahead!

Let me just start out by saying, if I wasn't in love with the guys before these two gigs... I would so be by now. This was doubtlessly the best and most worthwhile experience I've had in my life. A whole weekend with POTF live!

I'm gonna take it from the beginning so that I don't miss out on anything.

Friday, May 9th
This is the day!

We gathered up on Friday at my house before hopping on a bus down to Gothenburg. Since we wanted to be down in good time before the gig we were in Gothenburg like, half past six, leaving hours of nervousness and anticipation to fill... We made sure we had a bite to eat and eventually wandered off towards Sticky in the lovely west coast weather

Outside the gig, the first thing we laid eyes on was the EA games tour bus! The second thing that happened was that I got a call from Ebeeto - who as it turned out stood five feet away and was only mocking me! Along with StenFan and his girlfriend, plus Ebeeto and one of his mates, the four of us who'd gone down were basically the only ones there. But as the evening went on, a more people gathered up, and as we hit the late hour for the venue, there was if not an impressive amount of people there, but at least there was a crowd ingenious enough to appreciate some good music.

I spoke to two girls in the ladies' room who'd come from even further away than us to catch the gig, so there were more hardcore fans at this gig than it would be Saturday in Uddevalla (but I'm getting to that eventually ). On the whole I had a lovely time chatting with the forumers both beforehand and after the gig! Thanks guys

Then finally the guys hit the stage and we hit front row, where we stayed all gig long The opening song was Save Me, but after that I can't remember in what order the songs came, so I'm just gonna make a random list and anyone else who was there can help me fix it up!

- Save Me
- Revolution Roulette
- Psychosis
- Passion Colors Everything
- Diamonds For Tears
- Lift
- Locking Up The Sun
- More
- Stay
- Carnival of Rust
- Illusion And Dream
- Late Goodbye
- Sorry Go Round
- The Ultimate Fling

As for their performance... phew... it blew me away. Everything I've heard about the band and how good they are live, proved to be more than true. I can hardly believe how swept away you got by the music! I understand everyone who starts listening to them after such a performance, as this. I've been wanting to see the guys live for two years, and it was a dream come true, to say the least. I'm so, so, so happy that we went!

A whole while of headbanging and sore throats later, we were all sad to see them go. Ebeeto's mate laid hands on the drumsticks and StenFan's girlfriend got away with the somewhat less desirable sweaty towel

The sweetest moment of this night was when we caught sight of Jaska and Jani mingling with the crowd after the gig, and went over to chat It was like five minutes of me praising them and answering questions about Uddevalla and GG They were very nice and chatty and I managed to steal both a pic of the three of us and some additional hugs

Right after this, we were supposed to be rushing off to catch our bus, and so we went outside, where we ran into Ollie and the other guys and again had a little chat. We told them that we were coming to the Uddevalla gig and that we'd enjoyed ourselves a lot that night, and so on When Ollie said something about it being so nice and warm outside, my usual chatty self couldn't be stopped... and I burst out with this comment:
"And here we are, talking about the weather..." That caused a few laughs, haha!

Then we caught the bus only just in time, and staggered into bed at around 3 AM (yes! no jokes involved!), but me and my best friend stayed up chatting about the gig until around 6 AM, when we finally dozed off in a state of dizzy happiness.

Saturday, May 10th
This is also the day!

Waking up a few hours later, my best friend went to her house to freshen up and I sat down to look through the gig pics (again). After I was done with that, my plan was to sit down and type up a gig report, but suddenly heard from StenFan who was coming in earlier than planned, and so I had to jump the shower. A few giggling hours passed as we had something to eat, something to drink, painted our fingernails (including the guys), prepped ourselves with the RR album and discussed the evening's plans.

Then StenFan insisted he needed a toothbrush, and the detour it took us shopping one, made us run into Captain and Ollie sightseeing outside this town's most popular pizza (hangover food) place! Either they recognized us from the day before, or I was a little bit obvious in all my POTF gear but anyway they waved at us and we went over to chat a little bit It was like, what did they think about Uddevalla, and can you believe it, StenFan's never been here before either, and how have you been since last time It was actually really good that we ran into them by accident, cause they told us when they'd start playing and we'd been wondering about that, so it was a little inside info, haha

Then we moved on to a friend's house where we tried to convince some of the people that tonight's gig was going to be the big thing, and even managed to get them to listen to Lift, but the majority of them were depressingly uninterested, and so we hit the place for the venue at around 10.

It was lucky that we had spots on the guestlist, since there were zero people in line. I was a bit disappointed there wasn't more people around, considering all the promotion this particular gig had gotten all around town, but we all figured the people would join in on us later. (And actually for a while there were pretty many people hanging around the gig, but somehow in an unexplainable way half of them mysteriously disappeared after about half the songs ) But to be perfectly honest, as the guys came on stage, it took me about five seconds to forget about the small crowd and just get sucked into the music, the energy, the laughter, the whole experience.

Strangely we all agreed later that this gig was even better than the one on Friday, although none of us could understand how it was possible! Marko was all over the fence of the stage, I hope he got its number before leaving, haha No seriously, he was such a ray of energy that it was amazing, all the band gave it a 150 percent and you could really tell. It's funny, cause you can really feel how much fun they're having when they're on stage, it's like they're just playing around, and still it's so incredibly professional. How do they do it? It looks so easy and we all know it's not I don't get it! I'm so impressed

The playlist for this gig was basically the same as the Friday gig, although this time they played my personal favourite from RR, Miss Impossible! That made me so happy

Overall the mood for this gig was so intimate, so... personal, in a way, compared to the first gig. The one in Gothenburg was terrific cause with all those people, you could really feel the pressure of the people there along with the pressure of the music. But this gig was also terrific, out of other reasons. I loved Marko's funny small talk (saying "All you fifty million people from Uddevalla" to the tiniest crowd and so on ) and Captain's little melodies that came after a joke, like a drumroll or something

We also got the chance to meet Tiia who was doing her best to sell some POTF gear! StenFan managed to flirt himself to a CoR T-shirt and we got a bunch of stickers each, very goodlooking ones! I bought one of the POTF pins and later got three more all for free, which I couldn't help joking about later, since I already was wearing three identical pins stuck on my dress One of them I gave away to a mate of mine who's been getting into POTF lately thanks to my humble self and I felt like I wanted to encourage him to keep listening.

Psst, I stuck one of the stickers up downtown today, planning to sneak up some more where you least expect...

Thanks so much Tiia! It was so great to get to meet you all and thanks for everything we got and for coming here and for, for everything!

I could say a thousand more things about this wondrous experience but I'm not going to bore you anymore! Just know that I had a really, really, really great time and now I know for sure this is my all time favourite band with the nicest people you could imagine.

Thanks POTF for coming down here and making my dream come true, twice!

PS. I took a few really nice pics! I'm gonna put them up as soon as they are looked through and chosen!

Misery

Geez! I'm just so sick of my Mum right now...!
I love her and all that jazz but when will she ever let me be? I'm grown up enough to make my own mistakes, so I think I should be grown up enough to learn my own lessons from them as well. And the minute I think I got it figured, thinking I'm just gonna let it smoothen out, and live on, y'know, then she goes "But what's your plan? Is it gonna roll on like this forever?" And I go like, "Roll on like how forever?" And she ticks off, going well, should you really be afraid of who to see and who not to see, and isn't it going to be complicated, and shouldn't you do this and that, and shouldn't you talk to this person and that person and say this and that, and what's your plan? Fuck it, I don't have a fucking plan, or anything of the like. I just know that for now, I'm gonna live on, y'know, I'm not gonna worry about responsibility, or love, or a relationship, I'm just gonna, take it as it comes. And if there're any troubles on the way then fuck, I'll face them when they get to me, what's the problem?
Do I have to make a line-up for all possible events and situations that might sooner or later actually happen to me for real? Do I have to have a backup plan for everything? Geez, here we are, and we don't even fucking know if we're still gonna be alive tomorrow, and my Mum ticks off, talking about plans. The essence of plans! The importance of plans!
Why can't she just let me be? I know she just cares about me and wants what's best for me, but that doesn't automatically mean she is the one to decide what's best for me. Or the one to know. It's not like she's ever been in a situation like mine, so fuck it. What could she possibly know?
Mum says, "It's just that I'm worried bout you, one moment you're saying you got no friends left and the next moment you're saying everything's fine."
Uhmm, yeah. That's called life, it goes in waves. Sometimes you're depressed and think no one fucking cares, and sometimes things are fine. And then there are those times when your Mum asks you how things are and you tell her they're fine, cause you know that if you tell her they're not, she'll get worried, and you'd rather have her fine and dandy so that you can worry about your own problems.
I've been thinking bout this like a hundred times, about my upbringing. It's weird, right? I always been taught that you have to think of yourself first, cause you're the only who'll care about yourself, and you're the only one you can know for certain you're gonna be spending the rest of your life with. Fuck all that, I don't care, let me worry about my friends if I want to, c'mon. So maybe I do listen to them a bit too much, so maybe I do care too much if they don't wanna talk to me or hang out with me or nothing. But isn't that cause I fucking care? Because I fucking love them to damn much not to care.
I feel so lonely, lonely as fuck, like I'm in this invisible bubble where I can see everyone moving about outside but can't reach out to them, and no one reaches inside for me either. I know I got my very best friends covering my back, aye. But there's a difference between your friends, and your mates. Some friends stick with you, some don't. Some mates stick with you, some don't. And basically what's happened is that I've kept my friends but lost almost all my mates.
Fuck it, life sucks, and I'm not even being left alone to enjoy my misery.
It's so weird, one moment I wish people'd just leave me alone, you know, and the other moment I just wish they'd reach out to me. It's so bloody obvious that most people won't have anything to do with me and I'm totally cut off from everyone.
Except my friends. You know who you are. I love you so it hurts. <3

Absolution

Damnit, I'm nervous, can't stop thinking about my upcoming tattoo appointment! It's yet another POTF-inspired one, saying "Absolution" (from song Locking Up The Sun) within a pattern of industrial cogs, look at the pic and tell me what you think of it! The text's gonna be in this bluey color, while the cogs are gonna be in black, you're simply just gonna have to imagine the rest, ha ha. I think it looks good, anyhows! (The nagging thought in the back of my head telling me I will never again after this be able to see my left wrist, I simply ignore, you only live once, right?)
I guess there's also something else I can't seem to stop thinking about - today it's Tuesday, my friends, only, let's count properly, two more days until I finally get to see my all time favourite band live. Twice! Two days in a row! Thanks to my street teaming work I've managed to get my name on the gig guestlists, but still isn't sure if I'm going to make use of it, since my friends will be standing in the queue outside, hehe.
Other than that, currently just leading on my lonely life, finding my way back to novelling, and completely ignoring school work, I just don't care, I'll deal with it eventually, when the deadlines are sneaking up on me. In the old days, you got more status the better grade you got, now you get status if you're the one who's managed to study the least and still managed to pass. Is that called sorting out your priorities? Yeah, it ought to be something like that.
I can enlighten you by saying it's perfectly possible to simply live on like some zombie trapped in a body that doesn't belong to you, and a mind that tries to overcome you. It's easy, just control your bunch o' cells and make them do what you want do and everything else, you shove away.
Fuck.

Coat Of Your Sins

Say you knew me just a little better
Wouldn't you want to know
Wouldn't you have shaken me up
Wouldn't you have
woken me up

Say you cared just a little better
Wouldn't you hold that tongue
Wouldn't you have listened a bit
Wouldn't you have
bitten your lip

Send me another song of your liking,
Invite me along to another place
It doesn't matter, you can't save my face
I'm the coat of your sins you couldn't erase

Say you were friends of me
just a little bit better
Would it be any different at all
You'd still be looking down on me
from your piedestal

Say you were close to me
just a little bit closer
And that you were known to me
just a little bit closure
Wouldn't you have whispered
that there's no truth in rumours
Wouldn't you whisper

Send me another song of your liking,
Invite me along to another place
It doesn't matter, you can't save my face
I'm the coat of your sins you couldn't erase

Sugar coat your virtue
Rise above the dirt like me
Satanize another's sins
And plead insanity

Send me another song of your liking,
Invite me along to another place
It doesn't matter, you can't save my face
I'm the coat of your sins you couldn't erase

Drilling Holes

Heavy heart
Blacken my day
Turn my laughing eyes
into fading grey
I'll do with you since I knew you
right from the start
I'll carry you on,
my heavy heart

Heavy mind
Burden my aches
Burn my laughing bets
and ash my stakes
I'll do with you since I knew your face
when I was blind
I'll carry you onward,
my heavy mind

Heavy soul
Border my boat
Sink my laughing sails
that kept me afloat
I'll do with you since I knew your name
drilling my holes
I'll carry you on,
my heavy soul

Heart
You should have touched me
Mind
You should have taught me
Soul
You should have fought me

But none of you do

Heavy heart and mind and soul,
that's why I'll have to do with you