Know Me, Love Me, Heal Me / For Your Sins

Know me.
Love me.
Heal me.
Hide me away and conceal
me.
Come so close you can feel
me.
Know me,
Love me,
and heal me.
You're the only one I'll let deal
with me.
The only one knowing what's real
with me.
Hide me away, put a seal
on me.
If you'd known me,
you could have loved me,
you would have healed me.
______________________________

Can't believe it. It's been almost a year now, and I'm still thinking about it. It's still sippering through my unconsciousness to appear in my poetry. "Darling" is still the word I use when I think of you. Tender emotions are still what I have for you, willingly replacing the fleeing anger and tears. You are the light that shimmers for me in the dark... for some unknown reason always steady in my dreams, never flickering. You are the Firefly that won't ever leave my mind, despite everything I've tried to rid you from my thoughts, to rid you from my life. Cause I think it would be best for me to live without you constantly accompanying my inner self...

For Your Sins

You wouldn't come
You always fled
You wouldn't come
The times I bled
You'd only come
When you would gain
You'd only come
If you needn't stay
When I craved you most
You'd turn your back on me
When I longed for you most
You wouldn't be with me
I've endured every second
I've spent without you since
Wonder what would'ave happened
If I hadn't fallen for your sins
You made me live my life like this
Always regretting
And desiring
That kiss
______________________________
- Poet in the Jar -

Intimidating-What-If-Scenario Land

I'm watching TV and I think I can see
No one needs to blindfold my eyes
Nothing they show me could possibly be
any worse than what I see at night

In my dreams which mirror reality
The world is distorted and flies me by
At times I sit myself up with a shriek
Just to find that you're fine and so am I

Don't ever want to sleep
Don't want these plaguing dreams
Cause even if what I perceive
is hard to believe
It feels ten times as real
as it seems

I'm watching you bleed and I don't want to see
Will someone please blindfold my eyes?
Cause what I've seen this far in my dreams
is enough for me to lose my mind

I've found you fainting, dying on me
Your face is distorted and flies me by
These times I sit myself up with a shriek
Just to find that you're fine and so am I

Don't ever want to sleep
Don't want these plaguing dreams
Cause even if what I perceive
is hard to believe
It feels ten times as real
as it seems

Love, when your reassuring arms won't warm me
When your soothing voice tries but just won't calm me
I'm waking up from the darkest of lands
Intimidating-What-If-Scenario Land.
________________________________________

Wings of the Firefly

Seasons change, as does my mood. Yesterday, I felt like I was glowing... being around so beautifully creative people casted light on me as well, and my spirits were going eternally upward. But today... it's all been different. Might be the usual Sunday agony stopping by for a visit, or it might actually be - something. I'm not happy. I got everything you could possibly ask for, at the same time I got nothing at all. I miss the times when you could afford to make use of all your hours, completely devoted, completely consumed. Now I've been banished to an empty existence, a life in a shell, without meaning, without any sense of how many days or months have passed... without any grasp of the concept of time. It's just another series of eventless hollows, and I'm not as much a centre of it as I am a spectator, helplessly watching as my life glides off in whatever direction seems short-term appropriate. It's slipping right out of my hands, uncontrollably...
And you know what bothers me? I can't stand the company of myself. It's like being trapped in a room with the one person in the world you hate the most. All the time! Well, it aint actually that I hate myself, it's just that I don't like what I've become. Is this where I wanted to be when I was nineteen? There are things I should have done and things I shouldn't have done, people I could have met and people I could have avoided to meet! Places to see, things to do... taking the time to just be me. See?
Things aren't all dark, though. Sometimes, when you see a firefly among the stars, you can let it land on the palm of your hand for a fragment of a second, and watch in awe as it welds a permanent image on the inside of your eyelids... to watch and smile at every time you close your eyes and imagine the conteur of the fading stars... and the infinite shimmer reflected from the wings of the firefly.
Important! The Poet in the Jar would like to post a P.S as follows!
- Apologise for the gaps between my latest entries. That's what happens when your computer's capacity runs out. In contrast to my inspiration. Don't think that'll ever dry out...

Phonetics Exam

Right. Another exam yesterday. I have no idea how it went. Well, I mean statistically it should be possible to pass considering the number of questions I answered, but then I haven't taken in account how many of them I took a guess at. What do you do when you get the question, 'which English consonant is described as a labiodental plosive,' but guess? I studied more for this test than I did for the grammar test, and still it feels as if went twice as bad. Yeah well, we'll know in a couple of weeks, no need to worry now. Just hoping I don't have to do the retake, it's been scheduled to the same day I've got my driver's license test. Aaaaah, I don't think I could say which is more important. Fail the phonetics course and have too few points to keep studying next term, or reschedule the driver's license test and not have it when I start working this summer. Have a pick.
Anyway, I'm having practical studies for the next two weeks, meaning nothing to study at all, so I'm happy. Finally weekends that are actually free, and when you go home, you can do whatever you like. Yeah I really miss working in that way. On the other hand it isn't half as stimulating for your brain. Gotta keep those cells working. I'm not doing this to have fun now, I'm making sure that once I get out there to work, I'll have all those benefits of working, plus the fact that I'll enjoy the actual work, that it'll stimulate me. This is my future I'm investing in. Doesn't sound that crazy after all, now does it?
Well, better rush. I gotta convince my boyfriend to take his eyes off the TV and go outside to do something fun in the sun, ha ha.
Greetings, from a long time gone,
Poet in the Jar
_____________________________________________

The Hysteric One

Now that I'm home, I'm sitting here, looking at this mess, trying to gather even the slightest little energy to fix it. There are dirty dishes everywhere and the newly washed clothes spread all over the apartment. My school books lying on the desk, laughing at me, too tired to open them, too tired to study for my test. I've slept all morning, and I'm still sleepy, it feels as if I could sleep through anything. That's all I feel like doing, anyway. Don't want to be alone, don't want to be around other people. And I'm wondering, why doesn't everything just stop? How can people just, keep on living, keep holding on? Not only is that what everyone does, every stranger, every unfamiliar face, but it is what we do as well. Mum does, you know, and that bothers me the most. We're talking about the difference between life and death here, and all she can think of is 'what'll happen to the firm if I stay at home, sick?' So she ignores whatever instructions or recommendations she might have gotten from the doctor, who is the one with experience here, and she just keeps on working, keeps getting up in the morning and goes to work, even with the cancer spreading in her body, with every breath causing her heart to flicker and her lungs to tighten. Part of me wants to just run home and hug her and tell her how much I love her, and ask her, who am I gonna call if you go? Who am I gonna call? You can't leave me, you can't, cause if you do, I wouldn't know who to call! And I would stay at home with her, and take care of her, so she wouldn't have to do anything. Another part of me though, just wants to slap her in the face and tell her to grow up and start taking some responsibility, do you want your daughters to lose their mother, do you want your husband to lose his wife that he loves above everything, just because you were too damn stubborn to listen to the doctor? Too stubborn even, to listen to your own family?
And then, it's this thing my sister said that's bugging me. We talked about all this yesterday, I guess to process it a bit, and she says, 'I hate that Mom thinks I'm so strong. She tells me it's so nice to talk to me cause I don't go hysteric like you, Bekki. But the second she hangs up, I always cry. And I cry like there's no tomorrow.' And suddenly, I go: 'I'm the hysteric one? I don't want to be the hysteric one. I don't. Want. To. Be. The. Hysteric. One.'
I know that's what it's like, it's not that. It's just that I've always been very different from my family in some ways. Like the fact that my family is very practical in most situations. And when something bad happens, we solve everything that need be solved first. We can cry later, be sad later, mourn later, when we got the time. I don't do that, never have, and it's always gotten me into trouble, especially with my Mom, who doesn't understand why I'm different, you know. Time stops for me. Everything seems to be unimportant, except what I feel. And I take time to feel. I make time to feel. Cause if something happens, I wanna be able to say that time stopped, that everything turned upsidedown, that I lived in slowmotion, NOT that I just cleaned it up and waited for the time to come when it was allright to mourn. Is it so wrong to feel that you gotta let out your emotions, instead of carrying them inside you, letting them grow so badly that when they go off, they're like a nuclear bomb, not only affecting you, but everyone around you?
I used to feel I didn't fit in in my family, and I wanted out. Now that I am, I miss them. Oh God, how I miss them. And I just wanna go back in time, wanna relive my life, so that maybe I could have been better. I, I just wish I had been better. You know?

Plea to Emma Carolina

Dear little sister
Dear little rose
Who knows had it been different
If we got to see you grow
Remember you so clearly
Oh why'd you have to go
The turn has come to us now
Just thought you ought to know
While daddy's growing younger
Mommy's growing old
The essence of her cancer
Tearing up her soul
We're hoping she'll get better too
So she won't have to go to you
But baby sister, if you see her,
tell her she is lost
Baby sister, point her back,
Point her back to us
______________________________________

I woke up this morning with the worst of feelings. That something was about to happen, something bad that would change me forever. At first I thought it was about my Nikki, and I was very reluctant to letting him off to work. Maybe the guy he rides to work with was gonna smash the car or something. But when I called him later on, he was perfectly fine, which almost worried me more. What if I had mistaken when guessing who it was about? And maybe I did. We don't know that for sure yet. They took a lot of tests off my mom, and who knows, it might turn out not to be cancer, it might not even be struma, maybe it's just that she caught a virus that swells the throat. Maybe I didn't even get her phone call. Maybe this is all just a bad dream, and when I wake up, I'll be in our garden with my family, everyone there, Ann Christine and Carolina and Mom and Dad, and we're fooling around on the lawn playing croquet, laughing at the cat who's caught a badminton ball.
Wake me up, when this crappy piece of shit-life is going for the better, and God doesn't slap you in the face every time you're thinking things are good.