I need to write, my fingers are aching to, my mind is about to explode and burst out streams of words unless I jot them down. As usual I'm trying too hard, thinking of too many things at once, trying to make sense of the chaos in my head.
Lately it seems everyone has come to me with their problems. I guess I should be taking this as a compliment. Like Dear One said, I've got all the pieces in the right places, and that's why. I don't know. I appreciate that I am regarded trustworthy and sensible, but at the same time there's a voice deep down in me just screaming out loud, rageing inside. Who will tell me everything will be alright? Who will give me suggestions of how to work things out? Who will be for me, what I have become for everyone else? I don't know. Like I wished for once, I wonder what it'd be like if there was someone else out there like me. Would I find this person to be great, would we have so much in common? Or, more likely, would we hate eachother's guts because both of us are so damn impossible to understand? Don't get me wrong. My friends are the best in the world and always there for me. It's just that sometimes I seem to be unable to talk of the heaviest things weighing on my heart.
I had a dream last night that bothers me. I dreamt of talking to an old friend, when we were joined by someone who once left me to the wind after a great betrayal committed by someone she was covering up for. (I'm aware this sounds like something from a TV drama series.) And she just sat there, staring at me, as if she was asking me to explain myself. As if she was asking me to lay all my cards down on the table and show her what I've managed in life, where I've gotten to without her. The truth is, once I realized what she and everyone else I used to be around stood for, how blind they were to reality, and the amount of time and effort they were all willing to spend on forgiving unforgiveable things; I haven't missed them, any of them. I don't feel I owe any of them an explanation of my life or the choices I've made. And still, when confronted with this in a dream, I had nothing to show for myself, and couldn't find the words. Analytically speaking I'm thinking this might be a sign of all my busy thoughts about the future that I've been going over lately. Everything's so uncertain. What will happen after I graduate? When I have to stand on my own feet again? When I have to fight and struggle my way through life again; standing without any form of safety, again. I have already studied here for two and a half years. Already at the end of my education. A program I never thought I'd even get to start, back in that year when everything went to hell and back. I've been taking loans for these years, and after I'm done here, it's not possible for me financially to study anymore. It's a shame really, because one of my options was to study for the master's program. Now I'm going to have to look for work instead, something I both dread and look forward to. With any bit of luck, I can get a job in the industry, and I'm working hard to make that dream come true; but there are no such things as guarantees in this business. Hell, there's not even a guarantee there'll be a position I'm qualified for somewhere. My best hope is to make the best of my thesis next term, and take it from there. I dread having to leave the industry and the creation of games and life in my animations. I dread having to resign myself from this apartment, from this life, move back home and take a job that will kill braincells in my head for each day that passes. I dread the future so much right now, and that's despite the fact that Dear One now considerably brightens my future. But in some ways that's exactly what fuels my fear. I'm afraid that Dear One will leave me, that I'll leave Dear One, that we'll fall apart, that love will cease, that one of us dies and leaves the other. I'm afraid of every one of these things, and still, right this moment, I feel like I can do anything when Dear One is with me.
It's confusing, frightening and pleasant at the same time. Maybe that's how love's supposed to be, and I didn't even know it until now. Who knows?
To top off all my post-graduation stress, we're nearing the deadlines in two term-long project courses at the same time as we're preparing intensely for our thesis work. I'm quite proud to announce I'll be writing my thesis in cooperation with Ludosity Learning, a local game studio. I'll be looking at how a given human personality can be implemented practically in the movements of an animated non-human character. I'm pretty excited to get started with that in January as I'll be joined by two terrific classmates of mine also doing their thesis at Ludosity. However, before that can happen, we've got the project deadlines coming up. I'm basically finished with my individual project - I just need to light and render my scenes - and I'm making a lot of progress in my mini project as well. For that project, I'm lipsyncing a character to a voiceclip, and animating him in a modeled environment. So far I've modeled the environment, and completed about 80 percent of the basic lipsyncing. I'll have to tweak the timing and poses a bit once the basis is done, but it'll be fast work. After that, round about next week, I'll be working with animating the rest of his face and his upper body. The result will be really cool I think. A friend from the sound design class helped me record the voiceclips and the result was great, and it's been fun to lipsync to. I only hope there's still time to tie everything together into a good-looking result.
Since all our deadlines are set to mid-January, holidays over Christmas will feel incredibly stressed if I don't get as much work as possible out of the way before then. There's been so many discussions with my family regarding me not coming home for Christmas. But say I'm Hermione, and I'm spending this Christmas at the Burrow. I don't know when I might have time to go home and visit, but it's looking grim to have time for it right after Christmas and I might have to go home after New Year's. All I want to do is visit at home when I have time and energy to. Since when was it so important to stick with dates?
But yeah... I think I've ranted enough for now. See you on the other side of exploded-worry-head-land,
POET IN THE JAR
