Inefficiency

Today has been so long and felt a little bit like an emotional rollercoaster ride. In some ways I've become very efficient in when to turn off my emotions, in some other ways, I'm more inefficient than ever. Just another one of those constant conflicts roaming in the back of my mind and perhaps a story for some other day. So many things going on in my mind right now, two things more than anything else. One thing - why it has to be so hard when someone important to you leaves, no matter for how long... Second thing - why you always have to choose between what you should do, and what you want to do. Choosing between your dreams and what's actually possible to achieve.


Off for late night pondering.
POET IN THE JAR

Speaking To Pages

What happened to my conception of time
When did minutes turn into days, into weeks
Every moment losing magic, losing shine
Can I mimic the real
Is the present mine

It used to feel like an ocean to cross
Like every passage took a toll on our lives
And every wave was a precious mime
Where thought wouldn't rule
Where emotion would thrive

I started speaking to pages
Started cutting through silence,
Through lonely rooms
For a while you felt alive
For a while I cut through my own
Designated gloom
Cut through the self-assigned
The realigned

The intertwined

I turned to another kind of journey
A journey that was only mine
I gave it false meaning
The original purpose
Redesigned
And I found I can't go on
Not when insights are based on lies
Everything artificial, even the most authentic
Of details, wandering my mind
I can't go on, if I don't speak to pages
If I don't speak to silence

They're the only ones who aren't too tired to listen
The only ones willing to accept my flood of words
Sometimes I have to speak into the moment
Sometimes I feel forced to share my voice
And they don't judge me
Although they never answer me
Or encourage me
Or really hear me

What happens to all the things I can't channel anymore
To all those fragile whispers that I used to share with you
What happens to my misdirected loneliness
That I knew I bought myself into
What happens when I speak
And all I want to do is listen
All I want to do is listen to you

But all I can do is speak
Speak until my voice is sore
Sore from all those things
Unchanneled before

Cleanse You

It can tear me to see you broken,

Like a coughing and spluttering machine

At least if I could wind you up

If you were mechanical

And didn't run on batteries

Could you let me fix you

Not change you,

not alter you

Just fix you

You won't let me see what you've hidden inside

Like it was a treasure you had to protect

You won't let me close to what ripped you apart

What made you label yourself as defect

If I could wind you up

If you worked that way

Could I fix you

Would you let me

It's like you're tangled in a spiral

That no one can unwind

Like your voice is immortalized

On a tape you can't rewind

Like a lost fragment of thought

In your mind

Could I fix you

Would you let me

I already know the answer

It feels like I've already tried

Although most of my confusion

Derives from sad illusions

From melancholia

From my visions

What did I get myself into, what did you

I didn't sign up for madness, did you

I knew you weren't undamaged

But none of us really are

Does that explain anything

Do you ever feel like you need explanations

I can't pinpoint who you are or what you've been

There's a darkness inside of you

I think only I have seen

I wouldn't change you

I wouldn't alter you

Just cleanse you of the darkest darkness

Just fix you

Would you let me

Symmetry

Your scent is still everywhere,

draped around me like a blanket

The way your voice is still everywhere,

whispering to me in the dark

I told you I'd follow you anywhere

Follow your broken heart

Like a tourniquet

Like a fresh start

Consider everything that happened until this point

Everything that made you change inside

Will you cherish those moments,

So sweet and invaluable

Learn how to rip them apart

So I couldn't project my life views on you

Couldn't apply my experiences on you

Here I thought I had become wiser,

With my insights

Weren't you more

Didn't you prove my hubris

You always make reevaluate what I see

But I never have to pretend that I'm not me

Do you realize how much that explodes

Into energy

Into symmetry

Algorithms

Is this the truth you wanted

Tell me - is this what you fought to uphold

While every memory told you not to

While every fiber told you to let go

Is this the truth you fought for

The truth you sought for

When did you involve me in your social experiment

Convinced that you could overturn your own experience

Pull the right strings, make all your puppets dance!

The invisible music in your mind that's built of algorithms

Will suit their every step and put them all in trance!

Isn't that a quite modified truth,

the one you pull out of reluctant puppets

Isn't it a quite molded reality,

the one that's reflected in their eyes

There was a time I let myself be swayed by you

I let myself fall into that hypnosis I despise

And a time I told myself I needed you

But I got tangled in my own feeble lie

I made a mistake, trusting the wrong solution

I made a mistake by trusting you

Who can claim ownership of what's true

Claim to own the underlying meaning

Behind every word, every thought, every reaction

Who can claim they know how you feel

Claim to have seen what you are seeing

Painting your new, improved way of thinking

Across your face and across your heart

Across your soul

In place of your own

There's only paint

There's only pain

I've created a refuge, my own little settlement,

Where I will stand for my every sentiment,

Where I will forge my own non-religious beliefs,

And distance myself from everything that drains me,

Where I will dress in words my every thought,

Until you're convinced it's the truth I've caught

The truth you sought

Just Another Valley

Maybe I'm just climbing another hill

And there's just another valley on the other side

Maybe there's another hill beyond that valley

Maybe I miscalculated everything

Maybe I misread the signs

Could you tell me

Could you tell me I'm going the right way

Maybe I'm just following the same fragmented instructions

That kept leading me to other valleys

Some valleys deep enough to cut through the crust of the earth

Some valleys darker than anything you could imagine

Some valleys making me blind,

stumbling with every step

Wherever did the wild flowers grow

Whenever was their scent carried to me by the wind

I fear that I'm climbing just another hill

And when I reach the top a part of me will die

When just thinking of pushing on

This unforgiving landscape, I've always pushed through

But I can't do it this time without you

I can't do it if you turn into a valley

Will your walls be steep

Will your stone be cold

Will I be able to recover

Or will I only age inside

That's left to uncover

Don't turn into a valley, please

I'm already losing my way

Among these hills

Intellectually, Emotionally

It's 4 AM and I feel the spontaneous need to write down some of my thoughts. I came here looking to write some poetry, but while I'm waiting for that, I might as well go on... about other things. My current dilemma is that intellectually, I've never felt this at ease, never felt this challenged and stimulated. But emotionally, I've been living on a rollercoaster for the past few weeks, hell, even months, I haven't kept count. So much has happened for me in my private life. I've had a few revelations, at the least; and while risking sounding like an old and wise lady, I thought I'd just write them off my mind, to start off what I suspect might become a long (and partially coffee-fuelled) post.

I need to look at people when I talk to them. I look people in the eyes when I'm listening to what they're saying. I tend to look away and flicker with my eyes when they're not talking about anything interesting, and when I'm telling my own anecdotes. I've been told that if I look people in the eyes more when I talk, what I say will keep people's interest better.

I don't have to share my every little idea. My mind is constantly racing and I'm always coming up with and discarding new thoughts and ideas. Out of every ten ideas, maybe I'll follow up on one of them. It's not relevant for everyone to hear about the other nine.

I have gained some new-found respect. I've given a lot of thought lately to how I've been shaped and become who I am. I've re-established my respect for people around me, especially people in my family, who are the only ones who have been with me through all this time. I rediscovered the love I have for them, no matter what their flaws are. I have flaws too.

Bad people aren't necessarily bad people. I've lifted the lid off the jar to many things, people and events from my past recently. I've forced myself to remove the blindfold made of pain that I've kept on for so many years, and look to see what's behind it. With this new perspective, I can judge people in a new way. I think that people who have done bad or unfair things to me, aren't necessarily bad people. I think they were also shaped by the people around them, and perhaps bad and unfair things were made to them first. I don't mean to forgive more easily. Only to try and understand, that we're all people, after all, and we're all molded by who surrounds us.

I need to visit the outside world sometimes. This is an advice that is a little specifically for me (and others like me). I spend so much time inside my own head, thinking things over, or just drifting among memories, among thoughts. I'm rarely fully present in the present, so to speak; I'm always operating on another level of my mind at the same time. What I've found is that when I step outside of that world and consciously try to live in the present, to appreciate what surrounds me this very minute and to be fully aware of what's going on, I feel more alive. I feel relieved to come outside, where I can react to things that are actually happening, instead of what's going on inside my head. Being outside my mind is a bit straining because it requires conscious effort from my part, but it's also rewarding, and I'm trying to do it a bit more often. I'm not looking for enormous change. I'm just looking for small changes. Slowly improving my own existence in this world, and how to deal with myself.

I can't keep running from the voices. Before you label this as crazy, I'm of the notion that everyone has their inner voices; how they work might vary from person to person. But my inner voices (there's two of them) are always bickering. If they aren't bickering, they are usually completely absent. One of them spews out negative statements and comments, and the other tries to make the first one shut up. If I tried to listen to what these voices are really saying, I might be able to deal with them. I have to try and read between the lines.

These are all of the revelations that I've deemed important enough for me to spend further thought on. I'm doing a lot of thinking at the moment.

I'd like to talk about the intellectual aspect now, for a while.

I've been asked to take part of a few projects and running a few personal ones at the same time. One of these projects is being a student ambassadeur for the university during visitor's day. I did this last year as well, but this year I was asked to assist in the Motion Capture studio instead of showing visitors around; and it was really educational and fun to get a first insight into the workings of motion capture. I'm also part of a recently started project at the University which aims to recruit more women to the game industry (and to the education as such). We're hosting a couple of events over the next weeks that aim to draw interest to the programs and to games as such, among others a game night which I'll be responsible for. It feels good to be this involved in university business - it's fun, a good merit and a chance to do some networking, all at once.

As for the writing group I'm in, things are going alright. I've picked a book and a chapter for inspiration, and now I only need to write the text itself. I have a pretty clear image in my head of what it'll be, but if I know myself well enough I'll be writing it on the day before submission; not that it's really a problem. I work well under pressure.

Speaking of pressure, the second game project is coming up, starting on Tuesday. I'm really excited to work on a full 3D game for a span of ten weeks and really hope we'll be able to create an impressive and good-looking result. I'm hoping my ambition and level of hard work will be enough for me to make an imprint on the people I'll be working with, and to contribute to the final product.

And at last, we have our side project as I like to call it, the platform sidescroller I'm working on with a selected few. Things have been standing a little still, we're trying to learn some new software and haven't really developed the game further from there; but I'm in no rush. Tomorrow I'll be working on a rig and refreshing my rigging skills, hopefully that will inspire me to do some work on the platformer as well.

It's 04.48 now, and I think I'm gonna try and close my eyes now and get some sleep so I'm relatively rested tomorrow when I'm going to rig. I just wanted to get all of this out of my head and of my heart for the time being.

Long time no see,

POET ON THE SHIP IN THE JAR (NO, NOT A BOTTLE)