Blanket Of Denial

Every time you resurfaced I shunned you away

And pretended you weren't there, you didn't exist

I've been too scared to even look you in the eyes

To acknowledge our brewing connection

I covered you up in thousands of lies

Wrapped you in a convenient blanket of denial

Every time you reached for me I turned away

I didn't have the strength to deal with this condition

I don't have the lengthened arms to fully embrace it

There's my old bravery that I've been trying to hide

Like I've forgotten how to control my darkest moments

How to face them directly and steer them towards the light

Instead I've been isolating myself from you

I've run at every given occasion

Like you were a contamination

In my system of classification

Don't remind me again that you're dormant in my mind

Always sleeping in the outskirts of my conscious thoughts

Don't show yourself again, now you've been successfully fought

Your return will only get you burned and caught

You don't know who I am anymore

I've become dangerous

You don't know me but I've learned every aspect of you

I know every clouded corner of you, every scar

I know how to patch you up and how to resist you

You've made that absolute, you've set it in stone

You've written it in the largest readable letters

Your greatest fear that I might miss it

That I might, for a moment,

forget that you're still alive

And I can tell there's something behind your idolized ideas

As it's seemingly impossible to treat you with denial

Every time you resurfaced I shunned you away

and pretended you weren't there

You reminded me again

And wrote those large letters

And every letter hurt

I was hurt by every word

Still, I can't seem to remember how to face you

How to look you directly in the eyes

I can't remember how to deal with you

Or how to reconquer my control of you

Still, the only thing I seem to be capable of is decadence

The only thing I can achieve under your influence

And I'll run at every given occasion

I'll run, run away

from depression

Deep Inside Insomnia

We bought some time now, didn't we

before the world as we know it will end

Just extending this temporary haven

for a few more precious moments

this temporary solution

Did I willingly drink this delicious poison

And buy into this familiar phenomenon

I convinced myself I would cherish it, relish it

That this time the taste wouldn't be bitter, but sweet

It wouldn't eventually lead to my defeat

I knew what I was buying into, didn't I, didn't you

I knew there was a chance the world might come tumbling down

Shattering everything, every hard-earned feeling

Paid for in blood, in tears, in agony, in memory

It was part of the mechanical calculations

Carried out inside my tired mind

Deep inside insomnia

We don't live forever, do we

There isn't really time for calculations, is there

Better to follow your intuition, deeply buried

Buried beneath pride and social constructions

Rather than any actual restrictions

We don't live forever, do we

But we bought some time

Didn't we

The Nest Of Fear

Well if I haven't fallen back into the same dark dream again

Fallen back into the same dark abyss, sprawled on my back

Pain spreading through my core and attack through my fingers

Slowly mingled with an insight of mortality that lingers

And only gradually is worn out

So that every time I've fought it down

It's strong enough to heal itself,

strong enough to return

Knocking me off my feet

This eternal circle,

isn't it familiar, doesn't it burn

Oh if I'm not dreaming again

This tight knot of worry that I'm quite failing to repress

That entangled little knot of unspeakable threat

With the ability to endanger our entire situation

With the ability to render it extinct

Is that what you think, that I've lost all instinct

That I've lost all comprehension of what links

us all together in a series of metal rings

In a neverending chain,

isn't it familiar, isn't it pain

Oh, if I'm not dreaming again

Could I pinpoint the source of this inexplicable outburst

Could I circle with my fingertips my anger at my own thirst

Could I extinguish just that little flame that you awoke

Only that I thought I was dead inside,

thought I had taught myself the blunt, the dull

How to become a wall

Oh, haven't you learned how to tear those down with fire

Haven't you learned how to tear those down with catapults

Haven't you learned, haven't you learned

That nest of fear that's lived in my chest for years

That dark little monster that fed from abandonment

It's that shipwreck of mine that's now resurfaced

Complete with sails that were never tried at sea

Complete with the salt water pouring right through me

Like waterfalls, like vertical ponds of sorrow

This nest of weakness,

oh, isn't it familiar

Isn't it

Haven't I gone and fallen back into

the same dark dream again

Clarity Disabled

I've put myself in a hopeless situation

Willingly marched towards my own destruction

Knowingly fallen deep into addiction

Licking every last crumb off my fingers

Clutching my head, clutching my hands

Clutching my head

I can't stop perceiving these visions

Can't protect my mind from the intrusion

I'm only addicted, addicted to the infusion

Alarmed whenever my head clears

Whenever it's unclouded

Clarity is enabled

You didn't always fear clarity, did you

You weren't always consent with ignorance

Wasn't there a time you fought for innocence

When did you exchange it for vengeance

When did you exchange it for

Indulgence

I don't even think I'm equipped for defense

Even with the right tools I'll be unmotivated

There's no reason for me anymore to resist

Why not simply give in to permanent decadence

Whenever your head's unclouded

Clarity is enabled

You didn't always fear clarity, did you

You weren't always consent with ignorance

Wasn't there a time you fought for innocence

When did you exchange it for vengeance

When did you exchange it for

Indulgence

You told me I had betrayed my past self and inner child

That while my mind grew dull, my heart grew wild

Am I now supposed to adjust these regulations

Force myself back into ancient patterns

So I could fit with your intentions

Without any compensation

Is that part of your current implication

I'm divided within my own moral framework

Undecided between the young and the old

Undecided between what was only thought

And what was really told

All I can guarantee is that the two halves

Together, seem to make a whole

Complementing eachother

Compensating one another

Until I'm clutching my head

Clarity disabled

Lovely Bones

I don't know how to describe my current state of mind if not dull, blunt, encapsuled in a bubble where I feel enclosed from the world, isolated, alone. It's like I've forgotten everything I used to care for, forgotten what used to be delicate, what used to be valuable, how the smallest things could triumph over the daily and trivial. I can probably blame this mood on stress, big deadline coming up this week and everything; but it does trouble me. Not bother me, I'm too closed off from everything to feel like it's bothering me... but the thought of it is slightly discouraging. It's hard to describe, but for someone whose belief is that emotion is key, feeling robbed of your emotions is like giving away one of your arms... I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels like this. It's strange though. I used to believe that what you did in the daytime didn't matter as long as the rest was deep, was meaningful, being with your friends, listening to that music, going to this and that place, travelling... and now it seems my whole life revolves around school, I don't even have time to do laundry or clean my apartment, everything is so frantic and I feel like I've been walking around like a useless zombie ever since I came back from England. Something happened to my level of ambition while away; I can't seem to get back into the right focus and I hate myself a little for that; I'm sure I could have been more efficient than I have been since I got back here... But I think it'll work out... and hopefully, eventually, I'll feel that I can feel again, so that I'm not this deadened poet walking the streets and randomly sleeping at off hours as I was some fucking cat. I even feel bad because my Mom called me earlier and I had absolutely no idea what she was talking about because I was still so tired, and she said she just called me to say she and Dad loves me and I felt horrible for not paying them the proper attention back. But I'm just so monotonous and my post-three-hours-on-sofa mood was pretty intense and like Glenda said, confusi-fying.


To just please change the topic, I'm currently reading Alice Sebold's "The Lovely Bones" and it's so, so saddening. You'd think this clashes with my previously described lack of emotion but in my world it definitely and easily coincides. It's saddening in itself that a piece of fiction can be more touching and real to me than everything I see and feel around me. I guess I'm a little tired of reality, simply...


That's really all I have to say now... see you in some other, less exhausted stage.
POET IN THE JAR

Post-Happiness Infusion

Are these my real thoughts
My actual ideas put in words
Or are they just a product of depression
A post-happiness infusion
A post-happiness display

Everything was so stable
Until I was murdered
By sentimental happiness

Have you ever felt it's impossible to learn
That you always fall back into your own past mistakes
As if you set a pattern for yourself that you must now follow
It's in your blood and carved in stone
Forged from your fear of the comfortable
And from your fear of being alone
In combination

Everything was so stable
I had pieced together everything I could find
Every little piece of paper, pieced together with glue
Forming the most delicate of statues
I had waterproofed it
So it would sail safely
In the rain
In the gutters

Had I ever expected the glue to dissolve
Or for the sun to kill its way through the darkness
Had I ever expected all these connections
All these encapsuled memories
Trapped in my mind
Escaping in laughter
And in tears

Why can't I embrace the unpredictable
Why am I dependent on scenarios in my mind
I relive them always, chasing the undeniable
And creating new ones from time to time
The plausible, the impossible, the improbable
They all struggle in my mind
And when reality strikes
I realize

It never matters what wars go on inside of me
When I only struggled for show and for comfort
Forcing my demons to believe my sugarcoated whispers
In promises about tomorrows I had no right to give away
Tomorrows that were never mine
They were only mine to borrow

Mumble Jumble

I wish I could put my thoughts down in poetry, because I currently feel pretty poetic and deep, but there's just random lines floating about in my head that don't make sense, don't correlate... I'm a little confused and very tired and my head is filled with recent moments of laughter and timeless bubbles cut away from the rest of the world... I wonder if there's something remarkable about certain people. I feel like the people surrounding me daily just fill me with energy and it's like I had forgotten what that felt like, forgotten what people like that could do, what difference they could make. I guess the conclusion I can draw from that is that I really feel like I'm at home and it feels like I would never trade these days for anything. I think I'm going to miss these times a lot when it's all over... I'll try not to think about that, for now...

So at the same time why is everything so depressing? Everyone's feelings, my own feelings, how they clash, how they rebel, how they go into war. All the thoughts jumbled in my head mixing the hopes I have about the future while being absolutely convinced that future will never appear before me, I'll never live to see it...

It was a long time since I felt so split, but it may be a good thing. It can be turned into words. Into art. Into determination and ambition... if only I learn to catch up properly on my sleep...

POET IN THE GLASS JAR