Voices & Liars

I think I am about to burst
All the dreams about to break
The bubble I made for myself
So thin, so weak
About to snap

Cause things aren't like I was told in my head
Before the voices turned against me
Before they pretended to be you
And all my dreams are dying
And all my dreams are dead

I think I am about to fall
Like when you're sleeping
And you're pulled awake
So delicate
And you quiver

Cause things aren't like I was told in my head
Before the voices turned against me
Before they pretended to be you
And all my dreams are dying
And all my dreams are dead

And you said, forget me
And I really tried
But the voices became you
And told me you lied
Told me there was time

But things aren't like I was told in my head
When the voices had turned against me
When they pretended to be you
And all my dreams are dying
And all my dreams are dead

And your soothing voice
Still lying, in my head

Decadent One

And everything that applies to everyone else
Excludes you from the equation
I have to give a shit,
You don't have to care
Is that fair?
I couldn't say

You can throw up from yesterday
And fuck around
Get on those drugs that you despised
To get that high
So you won't have to think
Or feel
But I can't
It doesn't apply to me

You don't own decadence
And I have the right to be
Just as fucked up as you
You don't own ignorance
So don't be fucking ignorant
Of me

You're the only one that matters
The only one you know and love
I have to obey
Your imaginary rules
Is that true?
I couldn't say

You can exclude everything real
And be proud
That nothing ever touches you
Nothing breaks you
So you won't have to think
Or feel
But I can't
It doesn't apply to me

You don't own decadence
And I have the right to be
Just as fucked up as you
You don't own ignorance
So don't be fucking ignorant
Of me

Actually I was always the decadent one
While I made you angry, hit and run
How do I explain this to myself?
That I can't stand myself
For teaching you this shit was okay
Is that fair?
I couldn't say


You don't own decadence
And I have the right to be
Just as fucked up as you
You don't own ignorance
So don't be fucking ignorant
Of me

Daydream, Paralysis

Weave a world in your head
And pretend that you're still alive
Pretend like you bounced back up,
Time after time
In your head, you can have it all

In this wonderland I'm not dead
I can still care and love and need
And make an effort
Out of wasted plans
In my head

Fairytale, get out of my bed
Make room for me, and only me
You call yourself perfect
And then break in two
Daydream, paralysis
I don't fucking need you

Keep the show up and running
Be an actor, someone who isn't you
When you're tired of your shell
Of being trapped
In your own mind

Death, come closer
You used to cherish life
Without a fucking clue
What it all was about
Until someone broke through
And became you

Fairytale, get out of my bed
Make room for me, and only me
You call yourself perfect
And then break in two
Daydream, paralysis
I don't fucking need you

Play & Games

And every time you speak I hear a lie
Whenever I die you spring to life
Every full moon I don't sleep
And you pass someone else off
That you couldn't keep

It's gone beyond pretending
Beyond silly play and games
You had me hooked, then discarded me
Looking for change
You became the stranger


Whenever I hear you I shut you out
Whenever I listen I'm breaking down
Every night there's nightmares for me
And you're sound asleep
Unaware of me

It's gone beyond pretending
Beyond silly play and games
You had me hooked, then discarded me
Looking for change
You became the stranger

I want to believe in 02.43
That you're awake, same as me
Struggling with your anxiety
That your world is lonely
Lonely like mine

It's gone beyond pretending
Beyond silly play and games
You had me hooked, then discarded me
Looking for change
You became the stranger

And I've never been a saint
Should be taking half the blame
You're only repeating my mistakes
You're only doing just the same

And still I take it all out on you
And still I blame it all on you

Who Am I To Say?

Who am I to say
I have no right, no place
Who am I to say?

I said I'd never think of you
Never lie awake at night because of you
Never go through the phone book
Looking for you and wanting to dial you
Never, ever would I think of you

But who am I to say
I have no right, no place
Who am I to say?

And I'd never imagine you were here
That maybe you rocked me to sleep
And made me feel safe and real
I'd never miss the way we slept together
The way you'd kiss my ear
Never, ever, would I think of you

Who am I to say?
I've no right, no place
Who am I to say?

I'd never build my world around you
And never make an illusion that could fall down on me
It'd be better that way
I'd never chase you
I'd never remember
Or think of you

Who am I to say?
Am I better off now anyway?
Who am I to say?

And I promised myself I would forget about you
Never be jealous of one more fuck or two
Never care that you didn't come to me
Never give a shit that you didn't see

It's not in my place
I've no right, no say
So who am I to say?

Post-Visit Anxiety

I'm back in Skövde for a couple of days and I'm anxious as hell. The regular old post-drunkness anxiety, mixed with that feeling of everything returning to normal after a hectic week. At least what's normal is better than what it used to be. Things are overall better here. I chose to come here. And finally I'm here. It's been exceeding my expectations so far, and I guess I should be feeling lucky, but currently I'm not. There's too much shit going on everywhere, people lying and going behind eachother's backs like fucking crazy. No one's honest. No one's happy. They all live in their illusion, and pretend that everything's perfect so that no one will question what they chose to do with their lives. Someone is a molester, someone else protects them. Liars cover for liars. People hate and love eachother, all at once, and everything is complicated. I'd rather not go back there if I could avoid it, but I need the money and I have a couple of days free next week before university introduction starts on the 30th. The money is my motivation. If there'll be any.
I took a walk this morning to try and clear my head from drunkness. Took a walk to the pond, stuck my head in the water. The rain had already soaked me through. It was cold as hell and fucking divine. If a one hour walk in the rain can help me clear my head then so be it. Unfortunately, I'd neglected to tell anyone I was leaving the house, hence having everyone look for me and my mom freaking out thinking I had gone to kill myself. Just the regular drama at the house... just as always. I feel like pulling the blankets over my head and not leave the house or answer the phone for like, a year. All I need for company is Dallas Green in my ears anyway...
Maybe I should go do something constructive now, like maybe do that cleaning I said I'd do. Or I don't know. Disassemble a desk.
POET IN THE JAR

China Doll

Who am I
I'm flesh and blood
My body is mine
To give away, to kill
To rip apart
To thrill

But it aint yours for the taking
I'm a china doll in the making

Who am I
Lost in the flood
My mind is mine
To entertain
To cut in two
To soak in rain

But I aint yours for the taking
I'm a china doll in the making

I used to be stronger
I used to be of steel
You broke through me
With violence
With twisted lust
For every thrust


But I aint yours for the taking
You can be the china doll
You should be the one breaking