A Slicer

Am I a slicer?
One of those to cut
Their wrists
Am I one of them now?
Just because I got scars
On my palms

I thought I was different
And never would end up
Like them
My pain was different
I did it out of other reasons

But needles or scissors,
It's all the same
They all leave marks on me
The same
And so I am a slicer,
I guess

In the supermarket queue
My VISA won't go through
There's no money left on it
And I'd only picked things
I really needed

In my car is the bag of beers
That I forgot there last night
And all of it froze and the bottles popped
And my car now smells of day old party

I call for a friendly voice
And I'm told that I'm stupid,
On the other end of the line

Maybe I am stupid
Maybe I shouldn't expect things
To ever get any better

And it's hopeless now
And I'll give those needles a good boil
So that at least my scars won't be infected

Maybe it would be better if they were

Predator

I won't die for you
I won't shield you
From the rain

I'll turn off the lights
When I see you arriving
I'll make your path dark
And dangerous
Hoping you'll get lost

I won't kill for you
I won't shield you
From the pain

I'll turn and walk the other way
If I see you on the street
I'll make sure you won't
Close in on me
I'll be invisible

You're a predator, in the dark
Shiny, sharpened claws at ready
I was your victim once
Easily slaughtered
By your blade,
And will

I defended you
And your bleeding heart
Told them all it was your call
To kill

I won't forgive you
I won't die for you
In vain

I was sent here again
To be a scout
To warn the world
That you were out
You'll be lost
I'll be invisible

I won't die for you
I won't shield you
From the rain

I'll mislead you
And defeat you
In silence
Evacuate the others
While I see you die

You don't deserve a second try

Heads Or Tails

Heads or tails, I'm failing
Have it your preferred way
Serve me on a silver platter
I'm dead already, waiting

Heads or tails, I'm falling
Take me, do what you please
Rape me now, or leave me be
It'll make no difference,
Not to me

Heads or tails, I'm failing
Failing to pretend
And nothing matters
I'm dead already, fading

This is me, a broken shell
A misdirected jinx and spell
I'm ruins, with a drowning heart
I'm no one you know
Just a shadow, one that fell

Heads or tails, you came too late
To modify your old mistakes
Send me down your silver ladder
I'm dead already, kneeling

Heads or tails, I'm failing
Failing to mend
My wounds are not sealing
My wounds are not healing

This is me, a broken shell
A misdirected jinx and spell
I'm ruins, with a drowning heart
I'm no one you know
Just a shadow, one that fell

Poison me, with drugs of choice
I still won't recognize your voice
This is not a state of living
You should know
You left me here

This is me, a broken shell
A misdirected jinx and spell
In ruins, with a dying heart
I'm someone you knew
I'm your shadow
That fell

Paid For Pain

0.18AM it is, and I'm determined to finish off this writing session before I hit the bunk. I'm nocturnal anyway, as you already know. James Blunt is singing in my earphones that he's gonna get sugarcoated tonight. I wouldn't mind lying on the floor there as well with some nice substances making my head all airy. I wouldn't mind being relieved of pain.

When will we be paid for our pain? Rocco asked the question, here's my now 0.34AM attempt to answer it.

Reply: Will we ever? Who will reward us for setting ourselves on fire? We do it because the pain makes us feel present. I rip the skin off my lips as my mind drifts, and every time I'm drawn back into reality with a bang. My quivering, broken lips tell me I am a quivering, broken person. They tell me that I am still here, that I am alive. I wish I could say it made me feel at ease. I wish that the needle shot through the surface of my palms reassured me, and told me it was worth to cling to it, that it was worth to fight.

But it doesn't.

Johnny Cash sang:

I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real

That's me, and that's Rocco. Maybe we aren't your conventional ones. We don't bring out razorblades. We haven't yet made any serious attempts to take our lives. Of course, that is because we fear to die. And while we fear to die, we do what we can to feel that we're alive; to feel that we are more than simply mannequins, dancing to please the rest of the world. We bite our fingertips, rip the skin on our lips... force needles through our palms. I drown myself in misery, drown myself in alcohol, only to wake up from dreaming of demons and ghouls. Dreaming of blood, death. Dreaming of everything that scares me. Sometimes, what I dream comes true. I dream of meeting an ambulance with sirens on in the opposite lane, at a certain spot on the road to work. The next day, I meet that ambulance, at that spot.

But you're not here to listen to my superstitions, are you? You are not here to listen to me say I'm semi-psychic. Because it sounds ridiculous. Because we are sane and rational people, because I just argued a perfectly logical argument with myself and my inner voices.

But I'm an artist, and a poet, and a writer. An addict, to many things. And I never once said I was rational.
POET in the PONDERING JAR
PS. To my Blue Dragon I send my deepest love tonight. DS.

Demon, White Moth

I dreamt of a demon
Sweeping down on me
In my sleep
I dreamt he took every piece
Of safety, of calm,
That I'd managed to keep
I dreamt of his ghoul eyes
Of his foul smile
And long white claws,
Built by ashes

I dreamt of a demon
Turning into water
Piling up in waves,
And in cascades
I dreamt I ran
I dreamt that I soaked through
And I couldn't get to you

He followed me
I dreamt I ran
He followed me
I dreamt I ran
And he almost caught me
I dreamt I almost died

I dreamt of a demon
Vast and changing like the sea
A demon that could try,
But could never catch me

I dreamt of a white moth
Glowing and glittering in an orb
That seized me by the fingers
And flew off with a swirl
I dreamt I looked down
At the demon below
Leaving him behind

But he had already shocked me awake
He had made me stir, and shake
I dreamt of a demon,
Sweeping down on me
And he left me with my anxiety

Old Habit

I dream of fires and of death. Of lips sealing, of angry words. I dream of losing you, over and over, as if I didn't face that truth enough. I think of you always. I've thought to myself a million times what an idiot you are, but I simply won't convince myself. Because you never really were idiotic, were you? And isn't that what makes it all so much worse?
I'm trying to find substitutes for you, I pretend that they are good enough. I pretend that they'll do. To everyone else, I pretend that I'm fine, that I'm okay. Even when I have the chance to tell the truth... I don't. Why?
I don't know. Maybe you could tell me.
I don't want this. I don't want to long for you. I don't want this burning sting in my heart when I spot you in a photo, when I remember a song, when I remember your words. When I have to realize that you're not here.
My sis don't think it mattered at all because we never lived together. But maybe that was for the better anyway - or it would have been a ton of times worse when you left me.
I don't understand. I have tried. I have tried to accept it. I've tried to believe your words that you one day simply didn't love me anymore. But I can't. It just rings falsely in my ears. And all I do is wonder where you are, how you're doing, if you're alright.

I've begun an old habit of mine again. I take out that needle, and blaze it with a lighter until it glistens black and silvery against my eyes. I take that needle and stick it through the palms of my hands, ripping the skin up in flakes as I go. What's left is an uneven surface, skinless, pierced by a thousand holes. I have made myself that rag doll that I draw.

Much like once I did.
I miss everything.
I miss you.
I didn't sign up for this shit.
POET IN THE JAR

Rag Doll

Rag doll,
This is a needle,
Shiny and sharp.
When I pierce you with it,
You will bleed.
Do you know what blood is,
Rag doll?
Will you faint?

Rag doll,
You're wounded,
My voodoo doll.
A burst stitches smile,
You will need.
Do you feel the cotton there,
Rag doll?
As it wells out of your mouth?

Rag doll,
I'll patch you up again,
Until I'm out of yarn.
I'll rip your seams apart.
Do you know what hell is,
Rag doll?
As it repeats itself?

You're mine, dear Rag Doll,
You're mine to keep.
Stay and spin, and then to play,
With all my shiny razorblades.
You'll last for one more ripping,

And then I'll do the stitching

Wolf Coming

Sister, I'd be here for you
When you're down
When you've been wronged
When your agony fills you
And the fairytale is gone

I'd be here for you
If you didn't lie

Sister, I'd cover you
When you're angry
When you cry
When you forget how to breathe
And you don't know why

I'd be here for you
If you didn't lie

Sister, your world is unreal
You weave it in your mind
When the world is unlike
What you had imagined
You falter, tumble, you fall

Sister, I know sometimes
You sleep only four hours at night
And sometimes you've worked all day
Without a single bite
But don't take that out on me

You don't get to drown me

Sister, I'd be here for you
If you hadn't already used my trust
If I hadn't already given you
More than I own

Sister, I'd be here for you
But from now on you're alone

From now on you're alone

That Wish

This place is familiar
I shouldn't have made that wish
As nothing ever lasts.

Freedom Cocaine

Who have I become?
A stranger in the mirror
Ready to go fetch the scissor pair
Ripping a wound here and there
Shooting ink through here and there

My cocaine is different from yours
It's the pain that is my obsession
I've become so keen to feel alive
That I'm closing on the border
Where I give it up and die

I remember older, other times
When I didn't have these thoughts
When my heart was a treasure chest
Or so I have been told
I confided in my empty sheets
Of paper that I threw away
And slept in my empty sheets
By the end of every lonely day

Why did this return to me?
Just when I thought I was living
That I was breathing
It's all still here, under my skin
I wish I'd never let you in

You can never make up for it
Your ghouls still chase after me
And I can't wait to leave here
I can't wait to be set free

But do you really call it freedom
When all I do is run away
And wherever I run
You'll always catch up with me

You'll never leave me be

For The Ferry

A penny for your thoughts
Or will you give them for free?
Will you share your dreams
With someone like me?

There's a magical wallet
You can open only if you own it
And I open mine, with force
Only specks of dust inside
No rubies, no fortunes

I have plenty of dreams and imagination
Of high flying hopes and desires
But not any wrinkled bills
To pay for your thoughts

Do you have two coins for the ferry?
To place upon your eyes?
I'll close them for you
Place there my last pennies
They're of better use to you

How come you have to pay in death
When you spend all your life
At a cost too high?

But don't worry
No matter how dried up it gets
I'll always save you two bronze pennies
To pay for the ferry

I've got your retirement covered

Little Darling Doll

Darling doll
I put you to sleep
I mean for you a calm
You usually don't see
I sing you a lullaby
Of things you can't hear
You're deaf, little doll
I'm singing to shut ears

Darling doll
I close your eyes
The darkness is the same to you
You're blind, little doll
You can't see
But I close your eyes still
Away from me

Darling doll
I sedate you
So you won't feel it
When it stings
You're numb, little doll
I press the last air out of the shot
And I sing

Little darling doll,
Who can't hear or see or feel
And who can't tell if the monsters are real
I sing to you a farewell song
Your suffering is over

I bid you farewell, little darling doll
You who were my innocence

Another Shot

Before getting to the business of finishing off Alev's gift, thought I'd write some stuff off of me.
I didn't get the internship spot, but the studio manager was very kind and wished me luck with upcoming applications. It dragged me down a bit, but I was cheered up when Dragon called me and let me know she'd talked to that person she knew who had contacts with a publisher. They'd take a look at the site (which for you who don't know is here: http://www.angelictrilogy.webs.com) and get in touch with me during the week. We'll see what they say, before they do I won't elaborate further on it.
Other than that Zelda and Bagge are adjusting well. Bagge has found his favorite spot to sleep, inside a cardboard box that wasn't even supposed to be standing here, but I guess I'll leave it be just a little while more just for his sake... Zelda on the other hand went for the comfy armchair. I'm not a bit surprised. It makes things a tad more meaningful to have some little beings to care for when I get home, and it's not just my lonely apartment meeting my eyes.
After finishing this gift I'll sit down and type up some novelling. 80K is not impossible, despite the almost entire week that I spent not writing. No problems, people. Who has stuff to do during Christmas anyway?
POET in the JAR

Inquisitor

Last night I had a very odd dream
Very odd dream, indeed
Using my spells to cut through the undead
And successfully, as it seemed
Count to the sixth vertebra on the back
Or you won't make a very good stalker attack
Protect the top floor from the enemies
And keep all the rest unaware
You're an inquisitor now
Along with the inspectors
And your finger is a wand
Am I not right?
And you only work your shifts at night
And no worries, that suitcase
Was just your sister's,
So no one has stolen yours!
First night's the worst night,
Look after the ward
And send all of the others down the stairs
Or make up a spell that goes BAN!
But that doesn't work
You should stick to inquisitor guidelines.
Low ceiling kitchen but not low enough
You can pass, just not as easily
As the cooks
You're no rookie
Most people don't live through the first shift
Why you'd want this career, well
Beats me!
But at least we got rid of the enemy.

Flashes

Yesterday I had another breakdown
Another seizure in this small town
This place seems gray
And full of ashes
Have I betrayed my fireworks
My glimpses and flashes?

Yesterday I was attacked again
Another downfall, I was struck again
It's still so empty here
Echoing down my walls
Do you find your apartment now
Empty at all?

Yesterday I had a glimpse of you
And you took me over, in your absence
Only because I let it all go
The first time since you left
That I didn't pretend

For once I did nothing but simply being
And immediately it's you I'm seeing
You haunt me like a ghost,
Just by not being here
Call me a fool
But I miss you

And sometimes I wish you were around to see the flashes

Sometimes in my life there are flashes of light

Fireworks, that get me through the day
And I'll surpass this and survive
No matter how small or faded
The flashes I'll remember
The flashes always stay

POET in the JAR

Memorable

Came home and dinner was on the table, that didn't happen since we all lived together back in the old apartment. Dragon had cooked for me and her and it was delicious. Then some watching of Wall-E while falling asleep on the bed/couch/random place to sit in my little flat. Nice rounding off a Sunday night.

Yesterday was memorable although most of it I don't remember... but I guess that was precisely what I needed. I feel slightly more at ease with humanity afterwards, anyway! And I really have a bunch of amazing friends. I'm so, so thankful for having you. I couldn't have dreamed of this only a few years ago, and I owe it all to you.

I love you.

On a side note this week is a busy week. I get my kittens on Tuesday and expect to spend the following days trying to make them adjust to their new home. I have put writing aside for the moment and I miss it terribly, but there simply doesn't seem to be the time or the energy to. I'll keep up a daily session at least and still aim for the 80 magical K's to be reached at the end of the month.

Until then - keep living. Keep breathing. Just one day at a time and before we know it we'll be 40 and reunited at a fancy dinner party.

POET in the JAR

Castles

High time for another late night rant, it's 1.14 AM and I'm getting up early tomorrow for the morning shift. That way I'll have some time to clear this place for the party and to clean myself up, haha! Got some gifts from the family today; very nice ones. Wall-E on DVD (special edition), gift card for 500 crowns at a game store (holy!); and the entire, too expensive for me outfit that I tried out once for this year's New Year's. So Jessie, that means I'll wear what I was dreaming I'd be wearing.

Anyway, did some shopping for my little kittens today. Was supposed to buy things such as food and water bowls but came home with a cat castle that now stands mounted and ready by the foot of my bed. Looks cozy! It's only missing its inhabitants. They'll be arriving on Tuesday and I don't think any waiting felt so long... I really need the company.

Now for another outburst of honesty as I've promised. Rockstar came over this Tuesday and dropped off my stuff and picked up his. However many things I wanted to yell at him or however badly I wanted to get on my knees and beg him to take me back, I didn't. It became some sort of awkward talk about different things. It just made me miss him more. I miss not having him to talk to in my life. With everything that needs consideration, my first thought is that I'd want to discuss it with him first. And now I can't.

He had new hair. A new coat. Looked... different. He looked wonderful, but distanced. Like he really wanted this out of the way. Like we didn't actually have any link between eachother anymore. That's probably right. I can't feel it. It hurts me to know that I can't.

I skipped my appointment with the therapist today, even though I'd been wanting to go there all week. Just felt like a wreck when I got up. I wish I had a castle too, where I could crawl up inside in the dark and never leave, and never talk to anyone, and just wait until he came back to me. Wait until he came to save me, even if he never came. I still need him so badly... I wish I could see it all as a closure, but I can't. It just tore everything up again. And I was just beginning to mend.

I need this negative trend to turn...
POET in the SAD and MOURNING JAR

Marbles & China Dolls

Did you think you knew obsession?
Well, you didn't
You didn't

Did you think you saw my passion?
It was hidden
It was hidden

I don't belong here
In this sad sphere
I want to break the glass and roam
I'm not your marbles
Or your china dolls
I want to break speed limit and run

I'll chase you, I'll chase you
I'll take you, I'll take you
With me into our grave

Did you think you knew confession?
Think again,
Think again

Did you think you felt my tension?
Where you went,
Oh where you went

I don't belong here
In this sad sphere
I want to break the glass and roam
I'm not your marbles
Or your china dolls
I want to break speed limit and run

I'll chase you, I'll chase you
I'll take you, I'll take you
With me into our grave

Driftwood

It never got to you, did it
Any of the words I wrote
Waiting for you
Hating you
You never read them
Did you

Don't explain
You're a stranger now
You don't get a second chance
To break things off
You should have thought of that
The first time
The ending time

I don't want to drop another guitar
Loudly on the floor
And hear it clinging distantly
Remember you used to play it
I plastered it with stickers
Of my bands
To make it mine
But it still feels like yours
When I look at it
It sounds like yours
Every time

I don't recognize you
Who is that in your coat?
You gave it up?
You stayed afloat?

Why aren't you dying
Why didn't you stop
Why didn't you feel me
Through the link

It never got to you, did it
The songs I wrote
For the missing