Castles

High time for another late night rant, it's 1.14 AM and I'm getting up early tomorrow for the morning shift. That way I'll have some time to clear this place for the party and to clean myself up, haha! Got some gifts from the family today; very nice ones. Wall-E on DVD (special edition), gift card for 500 crowns at a game store (holy!); and the entire, too expensive for me outfit that I tried out once for this year's New Year's. So Jessie, that means I'll wear what I was dreaming I'd be wearing.

Anyway, did some shopping for my little kittens today. Was supposed to buy things such as food and water bowls but came home with a cat castle that now stands mounted and ready by the foot of my bed. Looks cozy! It's only missing its inhabitants. They'll be arriving on Tuesday and I don't think any waiting felt so long... I really need the company.

Now for another outburst of honesty as I've promised. Rockstar came over this Tuesday and dropped off my stuff and picked up his. However many things I wanted to yell at him or however badly I wanted to get on my knees and beg him to take me back, I didn't. It became some sort of awkward talk about different things. It just made me miss him more. I miss not having him to talk to in my life. With everything that needs consideration, my first thought is that I'd want to discuss it with him first. And now I can't.

He had new hair. A new coat. Looked... different. He looked wonderful, but distanced. Like he really wanted this out of the way. Like we didn't actually have any link between eachother anymore. That's probably right. I can't feel it. It hurts me to know that I can't.

I skipped my appointment with the therapist today, even though I'd been wanting to go there all week. Just felt like a wreck when I got up. I wish I had a castle too, where I could crawl up inside in the dark and never leave, and never talk to anyone, and just wait until he came back to me. Wait until he came to save me, even if he never came. I still need him so badly... I wish I could see it all as a closure, but I can't. It just tore everything up again. And I was just beginning to mend.

I need this negative trend to turn...
POET in the SAD and MOURNING JAR