Dream Train

I don't eat.
Might as well starve.
You waved food in my face
and never let me taste...
I don't drink.
Might as well die of thirst.
I know you'd wanna catch me
but you want me to fall first...
I don't sleep.
Might as well stay awake.
You were on the same dream train.
Fall asleep and I will fall again...

Daydreamer

I guess I am a daydreamer of sorts,
I'm never really here.
Always some place better and safe,
far away from money and hate...
I guess you can call me a daydreamer,
seeing stars in the sky in the day.
Always imagining beauty and art,
seeing colors where you see grey...
I guess daydreamer would be the term,
trivial things don't matter to me.
Always some place inside my soul,
always aiming high to reach my goals...
I guess I am a daydreamer,
I guess I've always known.
Always waiting for your fingers to reach,
when all our dreams have grown...

Killjoy, I'm Gonna Be Sunny

So. I'm up. As usual... trying to make some sense of the jumbled pieces of dreams and thoughts that as usually is swarming my mind. I don't know about life right now. I feel like I'm cut in pieces. Some of these pieces are just you know, better than ever, living their life, trying to reach out for some of those dreams... some of those goals I always wanted to reach. Others are just... well, let's just say that there are pieces of me who likes to go under the name of Killjoy. (Reference intended.) But heck. Why care? It'll all take care of itself eventually, I mean, hrm, I will...
I just wish I could step out of my dreaming and go where I always wanted to go, make that world for me that I always wanted to have. Damn the more I really try to stay on the surface the more I just falter and fall through, the more I just fall, the more I joke it away the more I'm starting to see all the obstacles, all the impossibilites, all the downs... it cuts deep wounds in my heart, and I have no other way to describe it, or why it would mean so much to me. But I just can't be happy with just living on the way others have decided that I should be doing, I just can't settle with doing what was "good enough" for people that are so different from me. I have to believe that I can chase my dreams. I have to believe I can jump to the stars and that somewhere there's just the dream place for me. Because if I can't have this faith I will fall for sure. I'll drown...
I've fought my battles and waged my wars, I've really worked hard to stay being this naive sort of person, the kind of person who doesn't give up on things, who takes things lightly, who jokes off the sinister things because they are outshone by the light... and all it seems to be doing is backfiring at me. I've gone through things but I've bounced back up. I've refused to admit that it's like my mother says, that life will only be a disappointment on you, so it's better not hoping...
Let me live on my hope. Let it be that bright spark that gets me through the day. It really is all about what we do to help us stay alive...
And you know what? All of this only causes me to fight harder. I'm gonna resist. I'm gonna be Sunny.
I'm working on my only ticket out as never before.
AS SAID BY,
THE POET iN THE JAR

Labyrinth

This labyrinth
Where am I?
I've never felt so lost
And just the same
I've never been as whole
This labyrinth is the price
This labyrinth is the cost
The more I fail to tell
the more I mean to say
This labyrinth
Where are you?

Embrace Away

I'm empty.
Nothing to it.
I gave it all away.
Too fast,
too strong,
to get away.
So I stay.
Where I'm empty.
It's all that I know.
Too uncertain,
to ever let go.
I'm empty.
Nothing to it.
You embraced it,
all away.

Lantern

Come, watch the clouds with me,
tell me how they figure in the sky.
We'll disagree, deeply, together.
Come, dance in the rain with me,
We'll be voiceless and scream together,
and be out of words.
Come, inhale me...
We'll glow and fade deeply, together.
Draw me in like a firefly to the light,
to the lonely lantern,
in the lonely night.

Dreams, And Dreams, And Dreams, In Silver Silky Words

Just... so little left! You know that feeling? God, I dunno when was the last time I felt this inspired. I'm constantly thinking of it, all the time. One funny thing I might share with you guys is when I was chatting with The Raven late one night, I happened to accidentally mistype his name, and what came out was this really - I mean really - groovy character for the second novel in the series. I can already picture him inside my head and suddenly I just know a lot of the holes that were still present in the outline of the second book.
Funny how my fingers are just itching to get started on it when I still haven't finished the first one, haha.
Well, like I told Mum the other day (when I had forced her to show some interest in my writing for a change), I just know the last few scenes of the novel in my head, I just... I'm just so reluctant to get them out. I mean, I know where it's all going and I know what's gonna happen and ... well, to be honest, once I've written it down it can't be undone. So I'm sort of dragging my feet behind a little on this one. I know that all sucks and everything, it's just a matter of what phase I'm going through at the moment, and right now I need that doubting phase, where I'm just gathering impressions, old notes and feelings to get in the right mood to finally write that last part of it all down. I got the two last scenes already sketched out and basically written as drafts. It's the scenes before that that are the most difficult... they just have to come out somewhat alike what I have pictured in my head, and so, they need a bit of time.
Don't worry too much. If my head gathers any more of these scenes it's gonna explode. I'm thinking I'll get it out any time these days, just waiting for the moment when I just go ahead and do it without thinking. That's when it'll be the best.
Enough novel talk.
Sis got the keys to the new apartment today! Groovy. We're gonna check it out again tomorrow. Can't believe I've only been there one single time and just fell in love with the place right away. It's still gonna be nice to get back there and check it out again, cause I wanna see for myself once more what my room looked like. We'll have like, one room each where we'll do things just the way we want them, and then we'll share the living room, kitchen, hallway and bathroom. And dining room. Yes, it is a flat of that size, it's actually just as big as Mum and Dad's house on the countryside. Can hardly believe it, my imagination is gonna flood so nicely around there. It'll be nice to have a fresh start, I'm really, really looking forward to it.
Fuck everyone who doesn't think it'll work out. Having a positive attitude was what made us get this apartment in the first place, and in either of our lives there just isn't any time to imagine worst case scenarios and put all of our energy in thinking of the bad things that might come with it. We gotta hold our heads high and march forward. Family. You stick to them. Lucky me to have been blessed with such a decent one, never mind I hate them from time to time, we all do. But they're still our blood and hearts.
And dreams, and dreams, and dreams, and talking about dreams in silver silky words, keep me going. Wow. So inspired!

For You To See

Again, here goes my diary.
My thoughts spilled out for you to see.
I know my own story all by heart,
and still I can't put it in words.
Again, here goes my day, my life.
My feelings under the edge of your knife.
I know my own worries all by heart,
and still I can't tell if it hurts.
Again, here goes my verses you adore.
But never getting to the chorus or more...
I know myself like the back of my hand
and still I can't see myself in the world.
Again, here won't be the place for me.
Where I'm all spilled out for you to see.
I know my adventure all by heart,
and I don't know how to end it all
still I know how to start...

Special Rain

They keep telling me we were never special
Two drops of many,
forming a sea
Well I can't help it
that you affected me
If we're just part of the rain,
or not
Special was still the impression I got
So forgive me if I won't be part of the ocean
If I wanna make my own currents and streams
I'd rather die failing while chasing my dreams
and rather drown trying to feel
all there ever was to feel
Forgive me
if I won't be nothing
And come sail
Come be safe
We'll be special rain

Iris Well

Slice me another onion,
find a way into my eyes.
Slice all the old unions,
and I'll have a valid disguise.
I'll blame it on your knife and blade,
and the onion cutting smell,
that way I'll keep myself hidden and safe,
behind my iris well.

Oath of Scars and Holes

We tried to become brothers of blood,
but the distance kept us apart.
So we did something else that would matter still,
an oath that came straight from our hearts.
We swore on our connection, soul between soul,
to understand eachother's scars.
To listen whenever we fall in our holes,
trying to dig eachother's way out.
So instead of using our blood as a seal,
we took our imagination,
and made it real...
________________________

Wrote this, to begin with, just for fun while chatting with the Raven. We were toying with the idea of becoming so called brothers in blood, and seeing as we're quite far apart we had to make a sort of, adapted version. Thanks for the oath, Raven, it meant loads.
CHEERS,
The Poet in the Jar

No More Death, Savvy?

The household fly, an extraordinary creature. Behold, as it carries its own weight on those smallish and thin wings, and how it searches for food with its little trout, carefully making its way across the surface it's currently attached itself to. Look, as it uses its remarkable feet to become, literally, a fly on the wall, a fly on the floor, a fly in the ceiling, on an old receit, on your auntie's nose.

And now, look very carefully, as they come to us, and we wave them off, irritably.

Watch as it goes on its daily hunt for food, and SMACK, there comes the newspaper crashing down upon the unknowing being, making a whole fly family grief desperately, and all for no use.
Who are the flies?
Bugs?
Or just something that bugs us?
Either way we happily smash them, stomp on them, and have them assassinated in various ways, out of nothing but sheer irritation.
What if we were those flies. What if we were proud to have received the most precious of all treasures one could ever get - to live. And what if it was us who were being randomly slaughtered, butchered, and thrown away with the trash, as if we were worthless...
There's nothing else to it, is there?
We are just like the flies, with the one difference that we take out our barbarism on eachother. And if it doesn't happen to us in particular, we're better off not looking. Not caring.
Call me strange, but I've always been of the idea that we have something in common with every living thing we come across, every living thing that we slay. We got life.
And if we're really gonna impune on the respect that they earn for it, is it too much to ask that we do it for a purpose?
That we do it as long as it's about kill, or be killed, eat, or be eaten; live, or die... feed, or starve.
So no, take that newspaper back.
I will not touch another innocent life, no matter who decides that a human's life is automatically worth more.
No.
I could have been that amazing little household fly.
And that household fly could have been me...

NO MORE DEATH, SAVVY?
says the POET in the JAR

Anxiety

Why do we always have to wake up with such anxiety the day after when the evening was rather pleasuresome? Well, if you don't count me trailing after my sis and everyone she knew in that place (well, can't help it, they were all old, I didn't see a soul that seemed familiar), or that overly tanned blonde chick who literally pushed me away straight into the wall while I was talking to the singer of the band. Thanks to her, it didn't get to much further than, "Hi, I'm Bekki!", and the singer going, "Well, hello Betty", and me trying to explain how it's spelled with K's, not T's, and that it's Be-kki, not Be-tty (and yes, it's actually quite true that I've had to face this problem before with people mishearing my name). Seeing as I didn't get a chance to do what I was really trying to do, which was tell the singer we'd much enjoyed the show and that I've listened to their music ever since their first album, I was rather exhilarated to see that sunburnt chick become totally ditched by the same singer just moments after. So much for pushing me out of the way, ha, ha.
Sigh, he's too old for me anyway, right? Ha, ha. Well, she can be all happy about having been ditched by that singer dude (poor her, she didn't get anything that night, boo hoo), and I'll just stick to being happy I got to shake hands and introduce myself (me, who was there to talk about the music, and who wasn't a desperate 40 year old who thought she was something and could most definitely get something).

I woke up like half an hour ago in an apartment that isn't mine, under a blanket that isn't mine either, and fully dressed. I thought I would pass out from the heat. (And no, none of that is as bad as it sounds, although almost. Sis had a mate we slept over at - I don't wanna know what happened in the other room and I hope I will never find out, but I can guess.) I made sure to get out of there soon as possible. Had a bunch of laundry to fetch back here which I should have already taken out late last night but never got the time, and so someone had just plucked it all out and put it aside when I got here. Damn, we'll see if sis gets in touch later on today, but for my part... it's good to be home.

And damn, I'm being anxious. It's hard to laugh at anything while your head is thumping almost as well as the drummer drummed with his sticks last night. My head feels like a giant... heavy... something. That is aching.

I'll try and hang the rest of those clothes up and then see if I can get myself to bed. My own beloved bed in my own place.

I'm just not ready.
Hungover,
says the Poet in the Jar,
although at least up at this hour...

Currently Considering...

Right! So, my life's taking a quite unusual turn when I for the first time in my life have absolutely no idea what the closest future's gonna keep in hold for me. So far I've always had a plan to stick to, I've known what's gonna happen after the summer, and so on. This time I have no idea.
And I'm starting to think it's all for the better, you know? Maybe this was the break that I needed, the break that I've been wanting to have since I first started the university. And who knows, hopefully I won't go back there either. I'd like to finish my education and all, but if I can't have Arts as my second subject, it all just seems pointless. Meanwhile I'll try and find myself a job that I can land for the fall, so I won't have to take Pedagogics. (Is there any more boring class? I don't think so.)

Funny enough, everything being complete crap has weirdly made me in a very good mood. I've just had enough, I just laugh at everything that's happening right now. And it really does seem to be going my way in certain areas, ha, ha. No seriously, being on my own is starting to craft my old self, and I'm happy to find myself again. I've missed me, ha, ha.

Mum says I haven't been myself for the past two years. I hope she's right about the fact that I'm leaving that behind me now. We'll see what happens.

Hopefully if I land some sort of employment it'll be only a question of time before I can make some of those dreams come true...

(Or, I will just wait until I get extremely rich and famous due to my huge novelling success.)

CHEERS,
From the Poet in the Jar,
Currently Considering Having A Beer

Found My Style?

Here're a few pieces I drew yesterday. Bugs me that apparently this is not enough talent to get into Arts class. I'd die to get to see what kind of stuff the other people sent in. Fuck.
Anyways, people, enjoy. The notebook gallery is about to close, so watch out from here and on, I'll post my art right here amongst the craziness...

Fall In Grace

>>>>>we fall in grace<<<<<
>>>and watch the stars<<<<
>>>>>who are you?<<<<<<
>>>>>>>to hold?<<<<<<<<
>>>>>>>to touch?<<<<<<<
>>>>>>to embrace?<<<<<<
>>>>>>>either way<<<<<<
>>>we fall in grace<<<

Coffee!

Damn,
I had a poem on my tongue this morning.
Where has it possibly gone?
I only needed to remember two words,
but I just remember them wrong!
Oh wait, there was a word in the end of a line,
that seems to be close to mind...
but what does that help?
I still can't really find the first few lines
that made the last worthwhile...
Damn,
I had a poem on my tongue this morning.
Did I swallow it with my coffee?